Take the Bully by the Horns: Stop Unethical, Uncooperative, or Unpleasant People from Running and Ruining Your Life

Take the Bully by the Horns: Stop Unethical, Uncooperative, or Unpleasant People from Running and Ruining Your Life

by Sam Horn
     
 

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In the tradition of TONGUE FU, Sam Horn offers simple, prescriptive verbal techniques for dealing with bullies.See more details below

Overview

In the tradition of TONGUE FU, Sam Horn offers simple, prescriptive verbal techniques for dealing with bullies.

Editorial Reviews

Sal Severe
I believe this book is a valuable resource for anyone who has ever been victimized. (Sal Severe, Ph.D, author of How To Behave So Your Children Will, Too)
Publishers Weekly
The subtitle of Horn's treatise indicates just how much psychological ground he manages to cover in this encouraging how-to. Not just for kids on the playground anymore, bullying can have serious consequences for adults: violence, lawsuits, abuse and even death. Many of the "28 Ways to Lose Your Bully" strategies Horn (Tongue Fu) outlines are common sense, the same advice parents might give children after a rough recess: "Put Up a Brave Front," "Get Out of My Space," "Screw Up Your Courage." The number of mini-quizzes and aphoristic sayings make the book read like a large-scale PowerPoint presentation (not surprising, as Horn is a veteran of the corporate seminar circuit). Yet there's a realism here that is convincing: Horn's example situations include spouses who hit or cheat, spouses' bosses who grope, coaches who berate, false friends who cajole confidences, business partners who steal, neighbors who instill fear and people who chronically hit up family members for bail money (or "deja moo"). Role playing "Action Plans" for conversation help firm up psychic independence and avoid pointless, draining argument. (Sept.) Copyright 2003 Cahners Business Information.
Library Journal
"Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, genders, ages and professions," notes Horn (Tongue Fu!). True enough, but Horn's inconsistent writing and lack of useful tools drain this book of any worth. Confusingly titled chapters "Depend on the Kinkiness of Strangers," for example, concerns personal safety and self-defense render the table of contents useless. Good, albeit brief, chapters on school-yard bullies and using humor to defuse tension are outnumbered by those that mistake insensitivity for bullying or mismatch lessons and examples. This book covers much the same ground as Brandon Toropov's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting Along with Difficult People and Robert M. Bramson's recently reprinted Coping with Difficult People. Compared with those books, Horn's work feels undercooked. Not recommended. Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information.
From the Publisher
"I believe this book is a valuable resource for anyone who has ever been victimized." —Sal Severe, Ph.D, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too

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Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781429975612
Publisher:
St. Martin's Press
Publication date:
09/09/2003
Sold by:
Macmillan
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
288
Sales rank:
271,068
File size:
1 MB

Read an Excerpt


TAKE THE BULLY BY THE HORNSWay I. Bully for You?

At the age of four with paper hats and wooden swords
we are all generals--only some of us never grow out of it.

--PETER USTINOV

A WOMAN SAID, "WHEN I THINK OF BULLIES, I PICTURE SOMEONE like Bluto out of the Popeye cartoon. You know, a big brute with hairy arms and bulging biceps. Is that what you're talking about?"

Nope, that's not what we're talking about. Bullies don't necessarily wear black hats or have bulging biceps. They come in all shapes, sizes, genders, ages, and professions. Ninety-year-old grannies can be bullies. Ministers can be bullies. Coaches can be bullies.

A bully is someone who knowingly abuses the rights of others to gain control of the situation and the individual(s) involved. Bullies deliberately and persistently use intimidation and manipulation to get their way. The key words here are knowingly, deliberately, and persistently.

All of us are difficult on occasion. Bullies are difficult on purpose. We may be uncooperative or unpleasant in particular situations. Bullies are uncooperative and unpleasant as part of their strategy. Most of us respond to reasonable efforts to get along. Bullies reject reasonable efforts to get along because they don't want a win-win--they want to win.

Bullies Aim Below the Belt

He couldn't see a belt without hitting below it.

--MARGOT ASQUITH

The following questionnaire can help you determine whether a challenging individual in your life qualifies as a bona fide bully. The question is, does s/he hit below the ethical belt accidentally or aim below the ethical belt intentionally? If you are dealing with several difficult individuals, take the time to fill this out separately for each one. Answer the questions, rating the frequency of these behaviors from 1 (Rarely) to 3 (Occasionally) to 5 (Often). Go with your instinct. Your first answer is usually the most honest because it comes from the gut, not the intellect.

35 or below: This individual is not a bully. He/she may be unpleasant to deal with once in a while; however, win-win communication on your part will enable the two of you to coexist cooperatively most of the time.

36-55: This person may occasionally exhibit bully behavior. You may need to escalate your response in those situations so s/he understands that that particular behavior is inappropriate. If you keep your cool and communicate constructively, you'll usually be able to resolve what's wrong, repair the relationship, and move forward, not much worse for wear.

56-75: Uh-oh. It looks like you've got a full-blown bully on your hands. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Get your pen out, sit down, and start taking notes so you can begin planning how to stop this individual from running and ruining your life.

No One Deserves to Be Bullied

Chaos, panic, and disorder--my work here is done.

--T-SHIRT SLOGAN

Do you have someone in your life who scores higher than 35 on this test? You're in the right place because we're going to address how to handle every single one of the behaviors mentioned above. We're not going to dwell on how to deal with ordinary difficult people. There are plenty of books that already do a good job of covering that topic. We're going to focus on how to deal with egregiously difficult people whose goal is to spread chaos, panic, and disorder.

A woman in a seminar asked, "Why do bullies act the way they do? It's hard for me to understand why anyone would deliberately harm another person." Good question. The next chapter explains what's behind bully behavior. Knowing why they do what they do can keep us from being knocked off balance when they try to pull one of their dirty tricks.

Action Plan and Discussion Questions

Think of the most challenging individual in your life. Does s/he qualify as a bully? Why or why not?_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Does this individual exhibit other destructive behaviors that weren't on this questionnaire? What are they?_____________________________________________
______________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Which of these behaviors does s/he indulge in most? Give an example of how s/he does this to you_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Now, take the test for yourself. Do you exhibit some of these characteristics? Which ones?_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
___________________________________________

If you discovered that you sometimes behave like a bully, are you willing to read this book and look for ways you can treat people more compassionately? Explain._____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Summary

HARMFUL BELIEFS/BEHAVIORS

HELPFUL BELIEFS/BEHAVIORS

Intentionally hurts others

Occasionally hurts others

"I'm going to make him sorry he ever met me."

"I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry."

Rejects reasonable efforts

Responds to reasonable efforts

"It's my way or the highway."

"Let's figure out what's fair."

Wants only to win

Will accept a win-win

"If you don't like it, too bad. Take it or leave it."

"Okay, I'll give a little on this if you agree to that."

Refuses to admit fault

Recognizes when at fault

"You're dead wrong, and I'm not going to listen to you."

"I wish that hadn't happened, and I won't do it anymore."

Runs over others' rights

Respects others' rights

"I don't give a darn whether your family's upset. This is the way it's going to be."

"I don't agree with them on this. However, we'll do it their way when we're in their home."

Aggravates violent individuals

Advances in the opposite direction of violent individuals

"Hey, you fat jerk, sit down. I can't see the game."

"Usher, could you please talk to the man in seat 45B? He's spilling his beer all over everyone."

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What People are saying about this

From the Publisher
"I believe this book is a valuable resource for anyone who has ever been victimized." —Sal Severe, Ph.D, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too

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