Read an Excerpt
First and Foremost:
You Gotta Love
Each relationship you have
with another person reflects the
relationship you have
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
Before we get started with relationships, let's take a look at the most important relationship we will ever have..., the one with ourselves.
When asked if they like/love themselves, most people would respond with a quick yes. However, were they to examine their feelings further, these people would come to the same conclusion that I have. I am my own worst enemy. I would not tolerate anyone treating me the way I treat myself. I would leave the room or hang up the phone if anyone dared to say the things to me that I say to myself. I second-guess myself, lecture myself, judge myself and sometimes even punish myself. As for compassion, I tend to save that for my friends. At least that's how it used to be. My approach to myself is improving because I have consciously started to change it.
The first step to changing anything is to be aware of it. We must be honest about how we treat ourselves.
How do you talk to yourself?
Are you confident?
Do you speak kindly to yourself?
Are you secure and peaceful in most situations?
Do you like the way you look, act, are?
If you are like most of us, you think you could lose some weight, have better skin, have a more exciting life and a smaller nose. We pick at ourselves. We think that everyone else is happy with the way he or she is. We think that security is something other people have, and we are the ones who missed out. Here's a little secret. Everybody is insecure. Everybody judges himself or herself harshly, and everybody struggles with even the concept of loving himself or herself.
The good news is that once we become aware of the way we treat ourselves, we can change it. The most worthwhile goal you can ever set for yourself is one of self-love and self-acceptance, Once we begin to strive for self-acceptance, once we realize that we are supposed to accept ourselves, our lives will begin to change before our very eyes.
Let's start by looking at some of the obstacles we put in the way of self-acceptance. First, we think love is something that has to be earned. We look at ourselves and say, "I will love myself when I am thinner. I will love myself when I stop messing up so much. I will love myself when I stop being so insecure. I will accept myself when I can be like so-and-so, or I will accept myself when I am no longer the way I am."
We all engage in this kind of thinking, but do you see how silly and absurd it is?
What if I told you that the more you love yourself the more lovable you will be?
The best possible person that you can be ... can only be when you love yourself completely.
Would you say to your best friend, "I can't love you until you lose weight"?
Would you say, "I don't love you because you aren't perfect. You keep messing up"?
Of course you wouldn't. And yet this is how we speak to ourselves.
Have you ever had the experience of being nice to someone who was feeling down? Have you ever complimented someone and then seen that person transform right before your eyes? He or she instantly becomes more attractive or funnier. You say something nice to someone and his or her face glows and his or her eyes get a little sparkle. This isn't your imagination. This is true transformation. The very same thing will happen to you when you compliment yourself. Try it....
My heart is with you as you begin to work on accepting yourself. Remember that loving yourself can open the door to a whole new life, one that has as part of it relationships of the very best kind.
A person's looks are never going to make you love them or like them.
I am feeling really depressed lately. All my friends have boyfriends and I have never had one. Honestly, I don't think any guy will ever like me. I am a little overweight and not what you would call a beauty. The sad thing is, I would really like to have a boyfriend. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about guys because I am afraid they will just feel sorry for me. What should I do?
You know, the great thing about love is that there is someone for everyone. I think there are two important things for you to think about.
The first is loving yourself. I know it sounds like something that people just say, but people who love themselves are very attractive to other people.
The second is: Not all people judge others by their looks. If you take good care of yourself—exercise and eat well and feel good about yourself, just as you are—I promise there are guys who will be interested in you.
Sometimes, things don't happen when we want them to, but sooner or later you will have a boyfriend (and a new set of problems). Don't worry: Everyone finds love. Those who have to wait a little longer just appreciate it more when it comes.
I am in love with a guy who has a girlfriend. He told me he doesn't really love her, but he is afraid to leave her. He is afraid of what she will do (as in hurt herself or be really upset).
Should I wait for him?
When I was in high school I went through something identical to this. I was so in love with this guy. Because I loved him so much and wanted to be with him so badly, I actually believed his lies. I ended up hurt and alone, but I recovered quickly and I ended up with much better after him.
This guy is handing you some bull. I don't know how much, but some for sure. If he doesn't want to be with "his girlfriend," then why is he staying with her? Why is he telling you he loves you when he is involved with someone else?
Obviously the thing for him to do would be to break up with his girlfriend if he doesn't love her. Then, and only then, should he talk to you about his feelings for you. Don't support this kind of behavior, okay?
Now, he may not be a total jerk. There may be truth in this and he may be stuck, but whatever you do don't wait for him to sort it out. Remember that self-respect thing. What would someone do who had self-respect? Bingo!!!!
You can be his friend, have a life, and if and when he is a single guy...then you can think about whether or not you want to be with him.
If you are in love with him and you are going to wait no matter, then at least don't tell him that you are waiting...and please don't mess around with him before he sorts out his life.
I have the worst luck when it comes to guys. I have wanted a boyfriend for a long time now, but it never works out.
Every time I like a guy the same thing happens. He will ask me out or we will hang out at a party, but then he disappears. The thing that bothers me the most is I feel like all they want is to make out with me and then once we do they dump me. What should I do?
Your question makes me sad. All of us want to be loved, and we all have times when we feel like we would do anything to get that love. The problem is we can't make another person love us, no matter how hard we try.
Let me back up a little here. You meet a guy at a party, and you like him. It sounds to me like the next thing you do is make out with him. Although it is easy for something like this to happen, I think this could be the problem.
Guys like the chase. They will often try to kiss and make out as soon as possible, but this is not the best way "to get" a guy. Even though it sounds like "adult advice" and you are probably thinking that all adults say that, it is true.
What's the hurry? When you meet a guy, it is fine to let him know you are interested. It is fine to flirt with him and make plans with him for the next day or weekend. But if you want him to stick around, don't hook up with him right away.
Sometimes we think, "If we kiss then it will be official." Not so. This is a "girl thing." Guys don't think that way. They don't feel obligated simply because they kissed you. Trust me on this one - no need to rush.
(c) Kimberly Kirberger, 1999. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission of Health Communications, Inc. from Teen Love®: On Relationships, by Kimberly Kirberger. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.