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"Tell me every dirty detail "
Jo Hutchinson is obsessed with a man she's never seen—only heard. Her latenight calls from the office to the mysterious "Mr. D." grow increasingly intimate, until they finally become fullblown phone sex. Still, Jo doesn't dare meet him. Instead, she embarks on a series of sizzling sexual escapades with other guys, sharing every sweaty moment with Mr. D. afterward, a passionbyproxy arrangement they both get off on. But even as she's charting brave new naughty worlds, Jo knows that it's all really for Mr. D. Every pleasure she experiences—eagerly, athletically, vocally—is to please him.
Immersed in fantasy, reality just slips away—even the chance at that elusive combination of love and lust. Her new tenant, Patrick, an Irish hunk in geek's clothing, is totally into her. And in her lucid moments, Jo knows she feels the same. Can she tear herself away from her kinky dreamworld long enough to appreciate what's right in front of her? Or has Mr. D. ruined her for real life?
"Mullany sparkles with genuine wit."-Publishers Weekly on Bespelling Jane Austen
"A fast-paced adventure..." -Booklist on Jane and the Damned
"...funny and quirky..."-Library Journal on Bespelling Jane Austen
"I'M HERE FOR MY SKIS."
I looked at him lounging against the doorway. He'd rung the doorbell, an exercise in futility or good manners—I wasn't sure which since both door and screen were open to catch the lateafternoon sunlight. Hugh was quite the lounger, particularly in others' beds. Searching for a snappy comeback, I said, "And how's the stick insect?"
"Flowyr's fine."
Flowyr. I'd been betrayed for a woman called Flowyr. "My skis, Jo."
I stepped back. "You know where they are."
He straightened himself and ambled into the house, accompanied by a few yellow leaves. I tried not to watch. There was something about Hugh in motion, any sort of motion, that still did things to me, a sort of kneejerk hotwire to desire. My body was in no hurry to change its habits.
I heard him go into the basement. "Hugh, while you're down there, would you look at the traps?"
"I thought that was what your fucking cat was for." Banging and thumping noises accompanied his words.
"He can't empty mousetraps."
After a while Hugh came back up the stairs carrying his ski gear. "Nothing."
"Was the peanut butter still on them?"
"Christ, Jo, I don't know." He dropped his skis, poles and boots on the hardwood floor with a loud clatter. "I didn't look that close, okay? It's dark down there. Do you have my Ken Burns DVDs?"
I gestured toward the living room. "Feel free."
I followed him in anyway, telling myself it wasn't for the pleasure of seeing his skiandtennistoned body drop to a squat, only to make sure he didn't take the FirthEhle Pride and Prejudice. He liked Jennifer Ehle and her astonishing elevated breasts; I liked all the astonishingly unfettered penises waving around inside the men's pants.
"So," he said, catching me gazing at his thighs, "the thing is, Flowyr and I aren't together anymore. I told you it was a onetime thing. An accident."
"An accident? You rearended her?"
"Don't yell, honey, you don't want to go on the air sounding hoarse—"
"Don't call me honey."
He stood—without a tremor, quads in great shape— clutching a stack of DVDs. "Jo, I'm—"
"I bought Shaun of the Dead," I said, seeing it in his hands.
"For my birthday, so it's mine. Jo, I'm sorry."
I'm sorry. The words you never expect to hear from a man. But was his apology for letting Flowyr run his red light or for depriving me of one of my favorite movies?
"I'm sorry," he said again.
I dropped to the couch, putting myself at eye level with a relatively unfettered penis uncurling behind his khakis. He had apologized.
If only a moment could be bronzed. Hugh dropped to his knees, laid the DVDs on the floor and shuffled forward. His hands landed on the couch on either side of me. "Sorry. I've been so unhappy. I know you have been, too. I was dumb. I "
This was all too familiar; Hugh making himself available, those lovely toffeecolored eyes with the long lashes, his mouth and a slight dusting of lateday stubble, all within easy reach— all the abovetheneck parts I found sexy and irresistible. And he'd apologized, although I suspected it was pretty meaningless— Had the man no shame? Did he really want to keep Shaun of the Dead that badly? Wasn't I intending to kick him out of my life (again) with no happy or unhappy returns?
Well, yes.
But.
A quick calculation. When did I think I was next going to have the chance of brainless sex with someone who knew what he was doing and knew what I liked? Shouldn't I be stocking up for the long famine ahead?
A whiff of eau de Hugh wafted into my brain, or crotch, or somewhere.
One of his hands moved to cup my hip.
Our heads swayed, angled.
His lips were slightly chapped. I hadn't been around to remind him to carry his organic hemp lip salve, and however much mindless screwing he'd had with Flowyr (Flowyr!)—well, that slut wouldn't be concerned about his lips. Or she might like it rough. Rough skin, that is, rasping on
Oh, my God. We were kissing and for a moment it was poignant and lovely before it became something equally lovely, but hot and driven. Hands delved into clothes, pushing up, aside, unbuttoning; the press and trail of fingertips, palms, as we became reacquainted with each other's skin. My Tshirt was up around my collarbone, my bra unsnapped and his tongue in my mouth, on my neck. I had to push him away so I could get rid of my clothes. As I struggled through the dark folds of Tshirt and disentangled my bra, his hands went to work on my jeans, and I lifted my hips to help him get them off me.
"Santa's come early this year," he commented at first sight of my panties.
Well, I did need to do laundry, it was true. I watched as his fingers splayed over the faded jolly old elf, and dipped under the elastic, where things were getting very wet.
I lunged at his shirt, unbuttoning, pushing it off him. "Get your pants off."
He stood to undo his khakis. His cock sprang free, waving around a bit as though just woken and taking a look around. Hmm, nice day, nice warm temperature, glad to be out of those boxers, and is that a pussy I see before me?
I touched my clit through the cotton of my panties, while he shoved pants and boxers down, and toed off his sneakers and socks. I'd taught him that: always get your socks off, Hugh. There's nothing as dumb as a guy with an erection in a pair of socks.
He watched my finger, my middle finger, the one I always used. "Dirty girl," he said softly. "Such wet panties, too."
I spread my legs a little more. "I can't think how that happened." I slid my finger beneath the elastic, where his finger had tickled and stirred. My clit was hard. I wanted to come. I wanted him to watch me. I wanted him inside me, that shiny pink cock all ready for me. I wanted his finger and tongue tickling me in rude and naughty places.
"I want—" I said, and Hugh shoved his cock into my mouth. Obviously that's the sort of thing you did to a dirty girl who played with herself in front of you, and hadn't had the foresight to put on her special lace or silk panties, but sported her Christmas cottons (slightly grayed and ragged ones at that) two months early. Besides, I was right at crotch level, with my mouth halfopen while I considered taking an orgasm before he obliged.
I made a sound of mingled surprise and appreciation and clapped my hands to his nicely toned butt, my nose squished into his pubic hair, and swirled my tongue around his cock. I knew how he loved that, how he would groan and thread his fingers through my hair, and mutter a filthy streamofconsciousness litany as he rocked in and out of my mouth.
"Oh God yes oh God baby that's right oh yes oh God yes oh yes like that keep doing that oh God Jo oh God baby make me come oh yes come in your mouth oh yes oh yes."
And as dumb as he sounded, it made me hot. Made me squirm against the sodden crotch of my Santa panties and groan along with him, while reminding myself that absolutely no way was he going to have the privilege of coming in my mouth, not when there was work to be done below. My hands were busy with him, sliding to stroke his balls and thighs, to probe and tickle and pinch. Now and then one of my nipples would rub against his thigh, bounce off muscle and wiry hair and send an unmistakable signal to my clit—get ready for takeoff—but all I could do was wriggle and rub myself against the roughness of the sofa upholstery.
I pulled free. Now. We were so attuned to each other that I didn't have to say it, but Hugh, in a brilliantly executed choreography of lust, lunged for his pants on the floor and pulled a condom from his wallet.
A series of reactions rushed through my mind as he ripped it open.
He brought a condom.
What the hell, I want him to fuck me.
But he came prepared.
Very sensible, given the stick insect.
Or does he always have them in his wallet?
Oh, look at him slide it over himself. So sexy to see him handle his cock. I should have asked him to do it for me more often.
Did he always have condoms, even when he was living with me?
But he came here meaning to fuck me. Or fuck someone sometime—
"Hugh," I said, and he took it as an invitation, which in a way it was—an invitation to stop me thinking.
The Santa panties hit the floor and Hugh reared over and in me, my butt on the edge of the sofa, legs over his shoulders.
"Nice?" he panted. "Nice for the little lady?"
"Oh, yes. Nice." The little lady was being serviced, no question, fucked and screwed and impaled and penetrated and all the rest of it.
So good, so familiar, so very rude, in the middle of the afternoon with the front door open and me still wearing my socks (actually a pair of Hugh's but I didn't think he'd want to claim these fraying relics with a hole in one heel).
He bent his head to suckle one breast and then the other, sending me a notch higher. And higher, so that I stopped thinking about socks and DVDs and random condoms, everything except Hugh's mouth and cock and his fingers on my clit.
And I was there, torqued up to the breaking point and then breaking and flooding as I came, while Hugh kept me there as long as he could. Then he gathered himself and plunged away in his familiar ohmyGodI'mgoingtocome home run, short staccato stabs that—other than postorgasm—didn't do a thing for me. He collapsed with a groan on top of me, folding me up like a pretzel.
"Nice?" I stroked his shoulder, damp with sweat.
He gave a primeval grunt.
"Uh, I can see this isn't a good time. Would you like me to come back later?"
At the sound of the unfamiliar Irish lilt, we both froze.
Then Hugh leaped to his feet. "Who the fuck are you? What the hell are you doing here?"
I grabbed Hugh's shirt to cover myself as I remembered, too late, the appointment I'd made. "Patrick someone?"
Patrick someone, standing at the front door, smirked and blinked behind steelrimmed glasses.
"Ah, I'll leave you to it, then," Patrick said. He glanced at my panties on the floor. "Merry Christmas."
"Jesus Christ!" Hugh spluttered.
I tried to restrain a giggle at Hugh, standing outraged, cock deflating and wobbly; a giggle did escape as the condom dropped to the floor with a splat.
"Who was that—that leprechaun?"
"He can't help being Irish. He was here to look at the apartment."
"Why?"
"Because I can't carry the mortgage on my own."
For an economist, Hugh was sometimes pretty stupid.
"But—but, you won't be on your own. I'm moving back in." He paused. "Aren't I? I mean, after.this."
"Hugh, you came to get your skis and DVDs. A fuck doesn't give you permission to move back in." I retrieved panties, Tshirt and jeans, and dressed.
Hugh, apparently realizing nakedness gave him no advantage, grabbed his clothes. "Jo, at least we should talk about it. I mean, we love each other. I'm sorry about you know. Everything."
"No."
Brady, tail aloft, trotted into the living room and sniffed at the condom on the floor as though discovering some delicious edible.
"You fucking cat," Hugh said as Brady wound around his ankles, purring. Early on, Brady had decided that Hugh was his best friend and answered to fucking cat as an alternative to his real name.
"Who are you going to get to empty the mousetraps?" Hugh said with despicable cunning.
"I'll handle it. I've been handling it for the past three weeks."
I picked up the pile of DVDs and handed them to him. "I'll pack the rest of your stuff and let you know when you can come get it. I have to go to work now, Hugh."
"We need to talk about this," Hugh said, looking obstinate and ruffled in a way that prestick insect would have melted my heart.
"No, we don't. But Hugh, one thing. When did you start carrying condoms around? I mean, do you let them fall out of your wallet at faculty meetings to impress the Chair or something?"
I could just imagine the Economics Department snickering and highfiving—You get lucky this weekend, Hugh? You da man, Hugh!—under the benign gaze of the Chair, a dead ringer for Alan Greenspan, hornrimmed eyeglasses, wrinkles and all.
"Don't be ridiculous." Hugh picked up the condom from the floor and headed out of the room.
"Not in the toilet. You'll block it."
He stopped and turned to me, suspicion on his face. "How do you know that?"
"I just do." Virtually anything blocked up the downstairs toilet. It was strictly offlimits to males and menstruating women.
"You bitch," he said, and to my surprise he looked really upset. He flung the condom into the wastebasket in the corner of the room and flung himself and his DVDs out the front door. The effect was spoiled by his having to stomp inside the house again to get his skis. I sat on the couch, Brady kneading my legs, and listened to his car start and reverse out of the driveway and the sound die away with an awful sort of finality.
I cried a bit, then, thinking how tired I was of crying, but that you couldn't let three years of your life go without some grieving. Brady purred and allowed himself to be hugged with a friendly tolerance that implied an empty food dish.
The bright fall day was fading now, but before I could go to work there was something I had to do. I went into the kitchen and armed myself. Knife, peanut butter, barbecue tongs (Hugh's, and I might just forget to wash them afterward), rubber gloves, flashlight. Pants tucked into socks, in case anything was alive, and (aargh) panicked.
I didn't need a man for this. Or for anything much else in my life.
"You sound just like the lady on the radio," the woman in the store said. "We've got a new brand of organic peanut butter in. Would you like to try a sample? It's really good."
I am the lady on the radio. "No, this will do fine. Thanks."
Sometimes, if I'm feeling sociable, I'll admit to it, but then what usually follows is a disbelieving look, and a strange comment. I thought you were taller older younger blonde. I hate your fundraising drives. Why do you play so much Tchaikovsky? Why don't you ever play any Tchaikovsky?
In Colorado, her former lover Hugh the economics professor wants to move back in with radio DJ Jo Hutchinson. Although she has a heated jam session with him until her new her new geeky tenant Patrick interrupts, she tells him no as he may apologize for cheating but he still stepped out on her.
Jo also fears she suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder with her attraction to the voice. She loves sharing her sexcapades with her mysterious telephone admirer, but fears acting in person with "Mr. D." He is her erotic muse. Mr. D. inspires Jo to embark on her inner most secret sexual fantasies. She joins a kinky erotic club. However, she also finds herself attracted to her new geeky tenant Patrick. As Jo considers ripping off Patrick's clothing, she also considers whether she should arrange to meet her mysterious late night caller.
Jo makes this erotic romance work as she has a lust for sexual encounters as displayed from the start, but also comes across as a kind unassuming individual. The story line is filled with sexual tension and a bit of mystery as to who Mr. D is, though readers ironically will correctly guess his identity. The audience will feel the heat when he turns on Jo using a phone as his sex toy.
Harriet Klausner
Anonymous
Posted August 7, 2011
No text was provided for this review.
Overview
"Tell me every dirty detail "
Jo Hutchinson is obsessed with a man she's never seen—only heard. Her latenight calls from the office to the mysterious "Mr. D." grow increasingly intimate, until they finally become fullblown phone sex. Still, Jo doesn't dare meet him. Instead, she embarks on a series of sizzling sexual escapades with other guys, sharing every sweaty moment with Mr. D. afterward, a passionbyproxy arrangement they both get off on. But even as she's charting ...