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Thank You Notes
By Fallon, Jimmy Grand Central Publishing
Copyright © 2011 Fallon, Jimmy
All right reserved. ISBN: 9780892967414
Thank you
… the word moist, for being the worst word ever. I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we don’t want you as a word anymore. God, I hate you.
Thank you
… Taco Bell Chihuahua, for your many years of faithful service as a mildly offensive Mexican stereotype.
Thank you
… tequila. You know why… Oh, all right, I’ll just say it. Thank you for making me puke up everything I ate the night before. I lost two pounds!
Thank you
… Real Housewives of Atlanta, for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.
Thank you
… ants around my kitchen sink, for allowing every day to start with murder. Every day you take the paper towel express to Toiletville, and yet more of you arrive the next morning. I don’t get it, ants. But thank you.
Thank you
… DVR remote control, for your incredibly confusing response time. I push rewind five times and nothing happens, so I push it again and suddenly I’m all the way back to the beginning of the show, so I have to fast-forward again. Why won’t you just work, DVR remote? You’re so confusing. Thank you.
Thank you
… Dog Snuggie®, for allowing us to embarrass animals in a way I never imagined possible. You did it. Thanks for that.
Thank you
… slow-walking family walking in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace.
Thank you
… preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.
Thank you
… guy with the $10,000 sound system in his $800 car, for driving down Broadway this afternoon. You’re loud. You’re proud. You’re in a ’91 Tercel. Thank you.
Thank you
… guy at my dry cleaners, for charging me $11 to clean a dress shirt. It clearly doesn’t cost that much, but you know I’ll pay it anyway because I’m not really sure what you do and how much it should cost. In fact, I’m 99 percent sure that all you did was iron it and put a plastic sheet over it.
Thank you
… fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.
Thank you
… newly discovered virus linked to penile cancer, for making me say the words penile cancer. I don’t think I have penile cancer, but maybe I’m just in penile. You know, penile is not just a river in Egypt. Sorry… I mean thanks. I should probably get it checked out.
Thank you
… Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone.
Thank you
… guy in the revolving door who isn’t pulling his weight, for letting me handle all the pushing responsibilities while you handle all the waiting responsibilities. No, let me get it for you. You’re the king of the hotel entrance.
Thank you
… the F12 button on my keyboard. What is it you do again? Oh, that’s right—nothing.
Thank you
… Dad, for discovering text messaging. I really liked that text you sent with the smiley face, but not as much as the 27 blank text messages you sent right after. They kept me awake. Thanks, Dad.
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Excerpted from Thank You Notes by Fallon, Jimmy Copyright © 2011 by Fallon, Jimmy. Excerpted by permission.
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