The Art of Men (I Prefer Mine Al Dente)

( 36 )

Overview

John Travolta.

Parker Stevenson.

Ted Danson.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Kelsey Grammer.

Patrick Swayze.

Woody Allen.

Woody Harrelson.

And many others. . . . In three decades in Hollywood, Kirstie Alley has ...

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Overview

John Travolta.

Parker Stevenson.

Ted Danson.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Kelsey Grammer.

Patrick Swayze.

Woody Allen.

Woody Harrelson.

And many others. . . . In three decades in Hollywood, Kirstie Alley has lived with, worked with, loved, or lost all of these men, and in this revealing memoir, she peels back the layers (and sometimes the sheets) on her relationships with all of them.

From the early days of her childhood in Wichita, Kansas, surrounded by her loving father, her inquisitive and doting grandfather, and a younger brother she fiercely protected when she wasn’t selling tickets to see him naked, Kirstie Alley’s life has been shaped and molded by men. “Men, men, glorious men!” gave her her first big break in Hollywood and her awardwinning role on Cheers, and through two marriages, a debilitating cocaine addiction, the death of her mother, roles in some of the biggest comedies of the last twenty years, and a surprising stint on Dancing with the Stars, men proved to be the inspiration for multitudes of the decisions and dramas in Kirstie Alley’s life.

In this collection of linked essays that’s both hilarious and poignant in turns, Kirstie chronicles all the good, the bad, and the ugly men who have influenced and guided her. She demonstrates how men can be the air that women breathe or the source of all of their frustrations. But for better or worse, Kirstie shows that a life well lived is a life lived in the company of men, especially if they

remember to put the lid down. The Art of Men (I Prefer Mine al Dente) is a hilarious excursion into love, joy, motherhood, loss, sex, and self-discovery from one of Hollywood’s most enduring stars.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble

Kirstie Alley has won an Emmy; a Golden Globe; starred in reality shows, finished second on Dancing with the Stars, and then returned to the show for the current season; gained weight, lost weight, gained weight again; played a half-Vulcan, half-Romulan Starfleet officer; and interacted with men even more unforgettable than Sam Malone. In The Art of Men, she spills the truth about guys who have motivated her or infuriated her; and her own self-image problems, triumphs, and disappointments. A candid, hilarious autobiography. Cheers!

Publishers Weekly
Written in a highly accessible, unpretentious, and often funny manner, noted film and TV actress Alley reminisces about the many men in her life, describing the ways in which she was influenced both professionally and personally by them. Where her father seemed a caring, moral authority with "the purest, most simplistic truths ever uttered," her own trajectory lead her through a failed first marriage at age 20, a later entanglement with a borderline abusive lover who was into sadomasochism, the temptation of eloping with John Travolta while both were already married, and a never quite fulfilled flirtation with her Dancing with the Stars partner, the much younger student, Sergey. Most compelling, however, are the lessons learned from men who were never her lovers, for example the importance of being ego-less in ensemble performance from Cheers co-star Ted Danson, and the ability to bring personal beliefs to the service of a comedic role from Woody Allen. In offering a glimpse into the workings of her mind, Alley successfully balances deeply personal revelations with entertaining and often absurd asides.
(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
Library Journal
From Cheers stardom to weight ups and downs advertised on Oprah to her recent turn on Dancing with the Stars, larger-than-life Alley has been in our sights. Here she considers her life especially in terms of the men she's loved and hated, slept with or not, shaped and been shaped by, e.g., Woody Harrelson, L. Ron Hubbard, and Dancing partner Maks. Certainly fun reading for fans.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781451673586
  • Publisher: Atria Books
  • Publication date: 11/6/2012
  • Pages: 283
  • Sales rank: 530,372
  • Product dimensions: 6.36 (w) x 9.18 (h) x 1.18 (d)

Meet the Author

Kirstie Alley is an Emmy and Golden Globe Award-winning actress and popular product spokesperson. She currently has her own line of natural supplements on QVC. She lives in Los Angeles.

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Read an Excerpt

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

—W. C. FIELDS

The Art of
“Retarded” Young Men

MIDWAY THROUGH filming Look Who’s Talking Too with John Travolta, we were night shooting in an airport in Vancouver; it was about 2:00 a.m., and it was freezing. I couldn’t wait to wrap and get back to my cozy hotel room. Turns out I was one month pregnant, and it was really hard to stay awake. I recall being so tired that if I’d fallen into the gutter and a Nazi put a Luger to my head and threatened to blow my brains out if I didn’t rise—I would have told him to pull the trigger.

Just as we were filming the last shot of the evening, an airline captain approached me. He informed me that his 20-year-old “retarded” son had recently been in a horrible car accident that had almost taken his life. He had been badly burned and had broken both legs and an arm. He told me his son was my number one fan and that he’d brought him to the set to meet me. He inquired as to whether it was possible, right after we finished shooting, that I could come into the hangar and take just a minute to meet him. Suddenly me being pregnant and freezing my ass off didn’t have much relevance. A retarded (it wasn’t politically incorrect to say that word back then), badly burned, and broken lad had traveled all this way just to meet me. Of course I said yes!

When we completed the final shot of the night, the director yelled, “Cut, print, wrap.” John escorted me to the hangar, and I set eyes on the poor, retarded, bandaged young man sitting in a wheelchair. I took a deep breath because he was covered in gauze and splints and was more damaged than I had imagined. When I approached him he began to laugh and gyrate in his wheelchair back and forth. He was ecstatic to meet me. These are the times being a celebrity really pays off—to bring that much joy to an individual is . . . joyous.

He put his bandaged hand out—I took it. He said in his retarded way, “I love you.” I reciprocated, “I love you, too.” He pulled me closer. He was really strong! “I love you,” a little louder and more audible. “I love you, too,” I said. He then took both my arms and pulled me much closer. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he said, and I proclaimed, “I looove you soooo much” in the sort of half-real, half-anxiety-ridden way you’d act if a retarded boy was mauling you. He was holding me so tightly it was actually hurting me, but he was retarded, so I persevered.

The next thing I remember is that he put both arms fully around me and was squeezing me so intensely that I feared I would stop breathing. Suddenly he flipped out of his wheelchair, pushing me down on the ground, and was lying on top of me. I began to get nervous—I was pregnant—and he’d just been in a hideous accident with broken bones and third-degree burns. As he was face-to-face atop me he began chanting, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” and started slightly humping my legs. My fear turned to nervous, hysterical laughter, and then I noticed this odd thing happening around me. The crew members were watching us—so was John—and so was the retarded kid’s dad. I began reaching out to them, mildly pleading for help, nervously saying “OKAY, OKAY, I love you, too, but I don’t want you to get hurt. Hey, you guys,” I said, reaching for the director and cinematographer, “need a little help here.”

But no one would help me. No one would reach back for me. I felt like I was in a bad episode of The Twilight Zone. John just kept smiling this bizarre smile; he looked like Chucky. Why wasn’t anybody helping us?? Why wasn’t anyone worried that either I would miscarry or the retarded boy would have to be taken to the emergency room . . . again??!! I really started to flip my shit, and I began tearing up. My eyes were welling and my mind was racing as I tried to pry the broken, retarded, burned, humping young man off me. My panic increased, “You guys! He’s going to get hurt! John! I’m pregnant! Help us! Somebody PLEASE help us!!!” Like a bad dream of being stuck in the middle of a satanic coven, the ring of camera crew, directors, John, the retarded boy’s father, and everyone else began laughing like jackals. I almost fainted.

Then . . .

The retarded boy leaped up and started ripping his bandages from his face! Was it a miracle?! Had this “retarded” young man’s love for me healed him???

No! It was Woody Harrelson. Fucking Woody Harrelson!

I hadn’t had a single clue. It was the perfect caper. He wasn’t even filming in Vancouver!! No, he had traveled all the way from LA, JUST to trick me. The entire cast and crew were in on the prank.

To this day Woody and I remain excellent friends—I would do anything for Woody—and he would do anything for me . . . or to me.

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Table of Contents

Introduction 1

The Art of "Retarded" Young Men 5

The Art of Hopelessly Honest Fathers 9

The Art of Monkeys 13

The Art of Sticks 15

The Art of Wielding a Hammer 17

The Art of Heroes 21

The Art of Lost Loves 27

The Art of Queers 33

The Art of Male Visitors 37

The Art of Being a Bride 43

The Art of Tornadoes 57

The Art of Wallpapering 67

The Art of Not Dying 75

The Art of Making Love to an Unfortunate Man 91

The Art of Champions 95

The Art of Shagging Next-Door Neighbors 107

The Art of Anal Sex 117

The Art of Pain 119

The Art of Closure 131

The Art of Art 141

The Art of Temptation 149

The Art of Costars and Lunatic Directors 159

The Art of Cheerful Men 167

The Art of Alarm Clocks 185

The Art of Transcending Love 191

The Art of True Love 209

The Art of Not Being a Cunt 223

The Art of Maks 231

The Art of Knights on White Horses 239

The Art of Clubbing Men 245

The Art of Men I Have Not Hit On 253

The Art of Young Lovers 263

Closing Notes 279

Acknowledgments 283

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3
( 36 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(10)

4 Star

(6)

3 Star

(2)

2 Star

(5)

1 Star

(13)

Your Rating:

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 36 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 7, 2012

    Entertaining,poignant,funny,made me laugh,cry,semi-shocked,overa

    Entertaining,poignant,funny,made me laugh,cry,semi-shocked,overall a good read

    10 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 9, 2012

    Loved

    For those talking bad, kirstie alley never said her and patrick had been together sexually only that she worked with him n felt love for him but they were both married n did not cheat on their spouses! So those giving bad review over that then maybe u need to read the book first. I love reading the jorney that kirstie went on to be where she is now n who she is .

    8 out of 9 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted November 7, 2012

    What good did it do her to talk about her lovers, especially Pat

    What good did it do her to talk about her lovers, especially Patrick Swayze? He's dead and can't speak for himself. If his wife didn't know of this "great love", I'm sure she does now. This only causes heartache for her. How disgusting. We don't need to read all the details of her immoral life. What a waste of money!!!!!

    5 out of 22 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 7, 2012

    Easy fun read,hilarious moments,highly recommend esp if you are

    Easy fun read,hilarious moments,highly recommend esp if you are a fan of KA

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted December 13, 2012

    more from this reviewer

    Funny book jacket doesn't match the dull inside

    I had always like Kirstie, but this book has changed my perception ... think she should have kept some of this to herself. The writing itself was not what I expected. Hoping for more of the hilarity found in a Chelsea Handler book, but this was just flat and self-serving.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 26, 2012

    Y Uy Boring

    A waste of time to read

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 20, 2012

    Like a bad accident

    Never did like her and the book confirmed everything my gut told me. Obnoxious..self absorbed..no morals..I think she is either very insecure or just plain desperate. Some things should have been unsaid..especially about Patrick Swayzee..he is no longer here to defend himself and what did she accomplish except to hurt his widow?..I got so tired of hearing how hot she was...what a great ass she had..being a size 2...and still lying about her size saying she is now a size 6...come on..she is a size 16 at least and that is only because she is squuezed into some Spanx. The whole book was me me me. I actually feel embarrased for her and mad at myself for buying this piece of crap.

    2 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 14, 2012

    GOOD BOOK

    An honest and entertaining read! Very heartfelt.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 9, 2012

    Anonymous

    I was going to buy her book because she comes across as a fun person, but after reading the sample, this woman has no morals, I'm also referring to her mention of her affair with Patrick Swayze, how utterly insensitive, if his wife didn't know it then, she does now. Why the need to even mention it. This completly turned me off.

    2 out of 16 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 7, 2012

    This has all been told before

    Don't bother buying this book. One can find these stories on the internet. I feel completely ripped off! Shame on you, Kirstie!

    2 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 5, 2013

    No sraar No star....minus

    Verrrrry disappointed .....waste of my ss money .....

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 10, 2012

    Fun Read

    Perfect for plane travel. Silly, irreverent, entertaining

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted December 5, 2012

    more from this reviewer

    Totally disgusting, especially even mentioning Patrick Swayze.

    Totally disgusting, especially even mentioning Patrick Swayze. His love story with his wife Lisa is inspirational , on that note how does Kirstie feel about writing ( believe) lies that must be hurtful to grieving widow Lisa.

    On a lesser note, Kirstie you are no size 6, I am way,way smaller than you and I am a 16- and own it proudly. You are a mean and narcissitic woman.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 30, 2012

    Its funny and brutally honest.

    In true Kirstie form, her book it quirky and so brutally honest. It made me laugh out loud a few times. I enjoy reading autobiographies of celebrities and her book was above average.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 22, 2012

    Yucky!

    Not what I expected not worth the money. Ugh!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 12, 2012

    Fuck this book

    Its terrible

    1 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 10, 2012

    I wouldn't waste my money on this book.

    I wouldn't waste my money on this book.

    1 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted August 10, 2014

    more from this reviewer

    I really liked this book and thought Ms. Alley presented her per

    I really liked this book and thought Ms. Alley presented her perspective of her life very well. She did not tarnish any actor's reputation by revealing her relationship from her perspective in an honest way. This really made me appreciate her career even more for what she has experienced, right up through her recent "Dancing with the Stars" appearance.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 6, 2013

    Entertaining

    Fun!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 14, 2013

    Fun read :)

    I laughed a lot reading this book. Kirstie Alley is hilarious and has been my favorite actress for some time. I recommend this book to women, very entertaining and enjoyed her sharing her wisdom and experiences with the world. Can't wait for part 2.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 36 Customer Reviews

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