Read an Excerpt
The Automatic 2nd Date Everything to Say and Do on the 1st Date to Guarantee...
By Victorya Michaels Rogers Howard Books Copyright © 2007 Victorya Michaels Rogers
All right reserved.
What is the mystery about getting men to call back? You go out, seem to have a great time, he says he'll call you, and then nothing, zippo, silence. He's gone. What is wrong with this picture? Why does dating have to be so hard? Isn't there such a thing as falling in like? And is falling in love an impossible dream? Are all men lying jerks? Worse yet, yikes, could it be that you are scaring all the guys away without even knowing it?
If you have felt that "Losers" with a capital L are lurking everywhere, even in church, so much so that you actually catch yourself telling folks, "All men are jerks," or "There's just no one out there for me," then I'm about to make your day. There are great guys out there who can and will ask you out for a second date! Not only will I teach you how to cause men to want to ask you out, I'm going to teach you how to transform yourself into an intriguing, fun, magnetic woman who actually enjoys the entire dating process!
Why must you learn what I'm about to teach you? Because the harsh reality is that if you can't get a man to call you back for a second date, you will not be shopping for solitaire rings anytime soon! The Automatic 2ndDate opens your life up to new realities by revealing proven, hands-on, step-by-step instructions on how to behave before, during, and after a first date in order to compel your man to call you for that ever-important second date. Yes, I am about to teach you the skills needed to dramatically improve your appeal and popularity with the opposite sex, all while keeping your dignity and self-respect intact! Honest.
I've written The Automatic 2nd Date for every woman who has ever lain in bed wondering why "he" didn't call back. You may be a teenager or college student. You may be from Generation X or the baby-boomer generation. You could be brand-new to dating or a battle-worn veteran at a loss as to why you're getting less than favorable results. Perhaps you are unexpectedly single again following a divorce or the death of a spouse, and you find yourself back in a game from which you were long removed. Do you feel you don't have a clue where to start? If any of these scenarios describes you, read on. You've picked up the right book.
The Science of Dating
During my single years, I spent a decade as a Hollywood agent. During this time, I was pursued by a rock star, a movie star, a gospel singer, a navy pilot, a doctor, a salesman, an accountant, a fireman, a police officer, a preacher, and an athlete before I finally caught my Mr. Wonderful. In fact, during one eighteen-month period, I went out with more than one hundred blind dates and setups -- 98 percent asking me for a second date, and I didn't go Dutch treat on any of these dates. I had dating down to a science. I'm writing this book to teach that science to you. Follow my advice, and you will save yourself not only time and frustration, but hopefully you'll miss out on a lot of needless heartache from miscommunication.
I didn't happen upon these secrets easily or through some epiphany or nighttime vision. It took years of heartache, prayer, research, rejection, and practice, practice, practice. You see, I had a slow start in the dating world. Throughout high school and college, I was clueless about dating. I was the cute guys' buddy, not the girl they asked out on Friday night.
Not only were dates few and far between, but when I did get asked out, second dates were far from guaranteed. I was nervous, clumsy, and tongue-tied. All too often I spent weekend nights as a dateless dreamer. Does this sound familiar?
Over and over I begged God for answers. What was I doing wrong? "Hey, I'm a nice person. I'm not that ugly. Why doesn't anyone want me?"
After getting my bachelor's degree in broadcast journalism with a minor in speech communication, opportunities came my way to work my way up the ladder of success in Hollywood. By twenty-three, I was promoted to talent agent in the movie and television business, representing writers, producers, directors, actors, and technical crews.
While I thoroughly enjoyed meeting gorgeous celebrities like Brad Pitt, Jon Bon Jovi, and Kevin Costner (I mean, who wouldn't?), it occurred to me that it was models and glamorous actresses I ought to be observing for lessons in romance. I studied the way they walked, talked, and dressed. I paid attention to their body language and eye movements when they were around desirable men. I was on a mission to become a bachelor magnet, just like these ladies. I mean, these women effortlessly drew men to themselves merely by walking into the room and glancing a man's way. I wanted to do that.
I had embarked on a serious journey. I began reading every dating and relating book I could get my hands on, and I attended all kinds of relationship seminars by experts both in and out of the church. I put the good advice into practice and discarded the ridiculous or demoralizing stuff. The absurd advice seemed easy for me to identify, as I was blessed with parents who instilled in me strong Christian values that ran all the way to the core of my being.
I listened, I observed, and then I put into practice what I gleaned from the many influences in my daily life. I was learning from fashion models, glamorous actresses, bestselling authors, relationship experts, and a handful of wise pastors. It paid off. Surviving embarrassing moments, immature expectations, and plenty of mistakes, I grabbed enough success to keep me in the game. I began to learn everything a girl needs to do or say on a first date to get an automatic second date (while still respecting herself in the morning).
When I mastered the first date, second dates became automatic. I would end an evening with a new man and just know that I'd hear back within three days with a request for another date.
I had mastered the skills of authentic one-on-one communication with someone new -- skills, by the way, that also work outside the romance arena, including business, social, and any interpersonal relationship with both male and female. Not only did my business life soar from these new social skills, but my platonic friendships improved as well. I had learned to pay attention to others rather than merely focusing on myself!
By my late twenties, when I found myself still without a husband, I decided to expand my playing field and asked most anyone around me to actively get involved in my love life by making introductions and setting me up on blind dates. During the eighteen months that followed, someone, somewhere would set me up with a new man more than one hundred times, and the first-date skills I had developed from all my research continued to prove their merit. That was the time period when 98 percent of my first dates asked me out for a second.
Just a Game?
Was game playing involved in getting nearly one hundred guys to call me for a second date? That's a matter of interpretation. Some may have called it game playing, but it was never a frivolous game. It was serious sport and smart sense! Let me clarify which definition of "game" we are talking about.
Webster defines "game" several ways. I am not referring to the kind of game that is an "activity engaged in for diversion or amusement." Rather, I'm referring to "a procedure or strategy for gaining an end; a tactic."1
Business is a game; personal relationships are a game. Even life is a game. The game we're striving to win is love. If you're going to enter the game, do it to win. Otherwise, why bother? One of the most inspired writers of all time put it this way: "You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard" (St. Paul).2
Winning takes perseverance, passion, and persistence; but you can master all three strategies because somewhere inside you know you're worth it! The Automatic 2nd Date will help you train for your race to the finish line of an invigorating dating life.
Develop the relational skills that I'll teach you in the pages ahead, and you will improve in all areas of your interpersonal life! So yes, just like sports, business, and war, love is a game. But unlike many games, the game of love is infinitely worthwhile.
There's a saying I used often during my dating years: "Like tennis, I just can't get into a game where love means nothing." And I tell you, love means something. It means everything. So take it seriously, even on a first date.
Step by Step
Find a cozy seat, and let's dig in as you learn everything to do and say on a first date to get that second. In chapter 1, we master the art of first impressions as we become magnetic. To get that date, he has to notice you. You are about to transform yourself into a magnet for the opposite sex from the moment you cross his path.
We continue this mission in chapter 2 as you become the beholder of your own beauty. You'll discover your beauty, minimize your flaws, and get ready to present your best self to the world of available men.
Chapter 3 is where the action begins when we turn on our Male GPS and go where the men are. You'll expand your horizons, find out what you like and don't like, and enjoy your vast new "meet" market. We continue exploring that meet market in chapter 4 by enlisting a little help from your friends. The quickest way to increase your access to quality men is to ask your friends to make the introductions. Welcome to the world of blind dates and setups. Dating will never be the same.
By chapter 5, it's time to cover the first phone call or in-person chitchat to compel your man to actually ask you out on that date. You will learn how to sail through that conversation with ease and charm. Plus you'll learn how to relay the unspoken message that you're popular, hard to get, and must be booked early if he wants you. By the chapter's end, you'll no longer be clueless about the ins and outs of those nerve-wracking moments.
Chapter 6 put us at the starting line of our race to the automatic second date. On your mark, get set, let's dive into the details of your first date, including dress code, Plan B, and running into friends.
Chapter 7 will be your best friend because I'll teach you how to grab him at hello. Covered here is everything you need to say or ask during your date, including one hundred questions you can ask your man.
In chapter 8, we learn how to get the sparks flying, as you connect with your man. You'll learn how to instantly put him at ease and convince him you are the right gal for him. On top of teaching the art of flattery and laughter, you'll learn a little-known yet powerful skill that subconsciously draws your man to you.
Chapter 9 cuts to the chase -- to kiss or not to kiss. Not only do we cover your first good-bye in detail, we also answer the question everyone wants to know: how far can you go on a first date to get him to call you back, while still respecting yourself in the morning?
Finally, we get to life after the first date in chapter 10, including what you do while you're waiting to hear from your man.
At the end of each chapter, you'll find two special features:
1. An Automatic Recap -- this highlights the main points from the chapter so you can review them quickly whenever you need to refresh your memory or give yourself a boost of motivation.
2. Automatic Journaling prompts -- here you'll find several suggestions to encourage you to "untangle" your thoughts by allowing them to flow through a pen and onto a piece of paper. Thinking things through enough to write them down can help you actually make a plan and then act on that plan. Throughout the book, you'll also find miscellaneous suggestions for journaling, besides what's at the end of the chapter; so keep that journal and pen handy and ready to help you think and plan and dream.
Warning, Warning, Warning!
I must warn you, these secrets work on both good boys and bad boys, so you need to pay attention to all you learn about your date so you can figure out which category he falls into. Just as there are great guys out there whom you have not yet met, there are bad guys too -- losers, controllers, love-'em-and-leave-'em heartbreakers, actors, moochers, users, and abusers. These secrets work on them as well, so learn to discern so you can weed them out by the end of the first date.
Pay special attention to your date's words and body language when you're together! Believe me, I'm confident Kevin Federline was quite open about his life goals and values early on in his relationship with Britney Spears, yet the young Spears let her attraction to his confidence and outward appearance blind her to obvious warning signs of a less than loyal and nurturing mate. Bad boys may be fun for excitement and notches in your lipstick case, but they leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled. So pay attention and proceed with caution. Know what you want before the date; and if your date falls under the bad-boy category, it's up to you to have the brains to say no for the second date when your head is still in more control than your heart.
So pull out your highlighter, and get ready to step out with the new you! You are beginning a covert race of chasing your man until he catches you! Whether you're ready for marriage or merely ready to enjoy a more active dating life, fasten your seatbelt and get ready for the ride of your life! If you master these skills, your man may never know you saw him first. At the very least, you will see your repeat-date ratio skyrocket. Enjoy the ride and keep your eyes open.
The Magnetic WomanThe Art of First Impressions
It has been reflected in countless variations throughout the history of the TV sitcom. You've seen it in The Flying Nun with Sally Field, That Girl with Marlo Thomas, Sex and the City with Sarah Jessica Parker, even Friends with Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, and Lisa Kudrow.
You know what I'm talking about -- some girl or girls are fumbling and frolicking through sprinklers or parks or big cities, effortlessly ready to take on the world. These gals are full of charisma, clumsiness, charm, and a confidence that exudes from their skinny pores as they skip, splash, twirl, and laugh. They are having fun, they are infectious, and men are falling in love with them.
Come on now, give me a break. I mean, let's be honest. Doesn't all their charming adorableness just make you want to gag? Maybe, perhaps, just a little? If you've just nodded your head, then, girlfriend, you have come to the right place. Because even though watching them may churn our stomachs, deep down we all feel a twinge of jealously at their ability to effortlessly and completely attract men.
Well, I'm here to tell you that you have the same magnetic personality of these perky TV characters somewhere inside you, and I'm going to show you how to find it. You have to find it, or all the secrets I'm about to share about gaining that automatic second date will be wasted. You see, if you can't attract a first date, there won't be any second dates, forget about automatic. So with this book in hand, collapse into your most comfortable chair, snuggle up with a cozy blanket, and allow me to help you discover your own authentic, personal magnetism.
You've Got It in You
You are about to learn how to compel any man to walk right on over and ask you out. Sound impossible? Not when you've mastered the art of first impressions and tapped in to your magnetic self.
Possessing an extraordinary power or ability to attract
Hey, I used to be that insecure, dateless girl. If I was able to push through my fear, learn to laugh at all my clumsiness, and emerge as a magnetic woman, then so can you!
The Impact of First Impressions
Becoming magnetic definitely includes etching that indelible mark on another's mind when you first come into his presence. Those ever-important first impressions are made within seconds. Experts differ on the exact percentage of how much of that first impression is your body language, how much is your appearance, and how much is your audible communication. But what they do agree on is that it's more about your body language and appearance than your actual words.
Cutting to the chase, people size you up the minute they see you, making a lasting assessment of your worth long before you even open your mouth. This assessment is based on your body language (stance, posture, expressions, and gestures) plus your appearance (hairstyle, clothing, physique, and perceived beauty). All these elements make up your overall nonverbal presentation. The assessments made in those first few seconds are rarely accurate, but they are believed to be true unless or until they are proven otherwise.
How's that for unfair pressure? It's not that this is news to you, right? But hold on a minute -- just because you haven't graced the cover of a magazine doesn't mean you can't make memorable first impressions. No way, José. Inside of you right now is everything you need to transform your first impressions into magnetically positive memories.
Begin with Your Impression of You
Change the way you see yourself, and you'll change the way others see you. Your perception of you affects every part of your outward presentation, from the vibe you put out to the way you hold your head and shoulders -- your overall stance. Your personal perception affects your choice in clothing, hairstyle, and makeup. Your view of you clearly affects your mood, which in turn affects your eating habits and your actions in every part of your day. Whew! How's that for realizing the importance of a healthy self-image? So we start where it matters most.
In this first chapter we'll focus on the inside; in the next chapter we cover the outside. Put them together, and you'll have the whole package of a magnetic woman. Watch out world, here you come!
My uncle Darwin always says "You are what you think about most of the time." Proverbs says "As [a man] thinks in his heart, so is he."2 I say, if you stop your stinkin' thinkin' you'll become the one you were meant to be -- your very best you. Everyone has personal magnetism; some of you are just allowing your magnetism to hide in a shell. If you're one of those people, then let's change things right now. You can and will master the art of first impressions by committing to take little, consistent steps to transform your own perception of you, thus improving your presentation to the world each time you walk out the door.
I must say I'm impressed with you already. You believe you can change your present dating experience, or you would not have picked up this book. I am even more impressed because not only did you buy this book, you are actually reading it, which means you are willing to take the necessary steps to get the life you want. You're not a dreamer. You're a doer! Kudos to you! Believe me, things are about to happen!
Your gumption for change reveals the fact that there is a magnetic woman in you about to emerge. Keep reading, follow these tips, and soon you will actively possess the five major qualities of the magnetic woman. You will become courageous, confident, compelling, covert, and charismatic!
For the Shy One
Every single woman dreams of walking into a room and automatically attracting the attention of that dashing bachelor. Do you have to be a vivacious, outgoing creature to attract him when the real you is comfortably quiet and introverted? No, you don't have to be someone you're not. Coy and bashful can work for you.
The kicker is that the coy and bashful still has to be courageous enough to catch his eye by meeting his gaze (I'll teach you how to do this soon); otherwise, you will evaporate from his mind before an indelible impression is burned. Think Sharpie permanent marker not dry-erase pen. You have to connect no matter who you are, or you will remain unknown, unseen, or simply forgotten.
If you are extremely shy and insecure about dating, let me teach you a technique that can help you get through those scary one-on-one encounters with the opposite sex. The main work of this technique can be done when you are by yourself, all cozy in your own room. Grab a pen and something to write on. Get comfortable and think with me for a few moments.
Is there some environment where you are not shy? Are there times when you are comfortable enough to carry on an engaging conversation, times when you let loose and the real you emerges? Visualize those relaxed times with me. What are those scenarios? Ponder this and write them down. When is it safe to come out of your shell? What is your mood? How do you look? Who is around? Are you inside or outside? What are the details of a safe environment for you? Describe those scenes in detail on paper.
Now the next time you feel a "shy" coming on, bring these memories back to your mind. Breathe in all the vivid detail that you wrote about, so you can later bring them to mind when you need courage. These memories can help you relax and summon the courage to calm your pounding heart -- enough courage to hold your head up and meet someone's gaze without passing out or running out the door.
You possess that magnetic power inside you, even if it is hidden far out of reach at this very moment. You just need to take a deep breath and mentally draw upon the "safe environment" you just wrote about so this side of you can emerge.
Developing an Attitude of Gratitude
Your magnetic power will begin to appear when you exchange any stinkin' thinkin' for an attitude of gratitude. Remember Bobby McFerrin's hit song "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" from the Tom Cruise movie Cocktail? Such a simple concept, but it's the key to a winning attitude.
Hello...dating is meant to be fun! No matter how many times your love life has let you down, decide from this moment on to maintain an attitude of gratitude, thankful that the bad guys are gone and the good ones are on the way. Daily life has enough worries of its own. You can't afford to hold on to negative thinking, especially about the opposite sex -- not if you want to get that automatic second date. So let go of the baggage from your past. Yes, you still have to deal with your problems, but train yourself to focus on the bright side. You can find something to be grateful for in every situation -- sometimes it just takes a while to see it. Even a bad breakup eventually has a positive side. You can be grateful that you are finally rid of a bad guy, even if you didn't know he was bad for you at the time.
Some of you may require more practice than others, but I urge you to make the effort to choose happiness, no matter what, because people are drawn to those with a sparkle in their eyes and repelled by those carrying a chip on their shoulders -- and you cannot hide your attitude for long.
Perhaps the best description of the importance of attitude was given by the prolific author Charles Swindoll. I first saw this quote on a poster several years ago, and it has guided me ever since:
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past...than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill....We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude....I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
You Are What You Think About
If we are what we think about most of the time, then we need to think about what and who we want to be. Right thinking precedes and enables right actions. So...if you think right, you'll be able to take the actions necessary to become right. This new attitude must become a part of you. It's a matter of focusing on the good rather than the bad. If you remain focused on your painful past or creepy previous relationships, you will walk around with a chip on your shoulder that virtually everyone can see but you, scaring away dates left and right.
And unless you are still an infant, you have already experienced your share of pain and rejection. Haven't we all? Your reaction to rejection, not the rejection itself, has molded you into the person you are today. The more you have been hurt, the more you get shot down, the more likely you are to either steer clear of love or buy into the rejection, allowing your low view of self to affect your choices in men.
You see, you only choose men you feel are worthy of you. That is wonderful if you have a healthy perception of yourself, but damaging if you have a low view of you. If you think you are worthless, you will be drawn to bad guys and run from the good ones. You won't even know you're doing it. You'll either be repelled by nice guys, assuming they're geeks or boring, or they'll be invisible to you. And soon you'll begin to think that all men are creeps, not realizing it is your own choices that are validating that view.
People with low self-esteem are more likely to engage in behavior, or put up with behavior from others, that makes them feel bad. They do this because they feel unworthy of more. Those with high self-esteem, on the other hand, will not put up with bad behavior from others. Think about it. Do you think strippers, exotic dancers, or prostitutes have high self-esteem? Something happened to them, often in childhood, to strip them of their self-respect. Starved for affection, they take attention the only way they know how, by numbing their minds and selling their bodies.
If you have had a lot of abuse in your life, until you seek help and find healing, you are at risk of attracting another abuser. He may not look like an abuser, but eventually the abuser in him will emerge. That's not fair, but it is how it works. We are subconsciously attracted to what is "normal" for us, not what we would like to be normal. That is why so many women end up marrying men just like their fathers. It feels normal and thus comfortable (even if it is painful). I urge you to do the needed work on your life so you can face the sleeping giant before you marry one.
I've written an addendum at the end of this book especially for you who are struggling with your identity and worth. If you are struggling with your worthiness and value, please read it now. I offer extra tips and resources to help you get what you need to discover your true identity and personal worth. I want you to see how special you really are so you will be able to attract a date worthy of the magnetic woman hiding inside you!
It goes back to attitude, girl. Your mental position needs to be that you have but one life to live and you are going to live it to the fullest! No past hurts, present challenges, or potential rejections are going to stop you now. If life has handed you a raw deal, if your self-worth was beat down from the day you were born, it is time to turn the tide, say enough is enough, and take control. Choose the mental position that you will do what you need to do to be the magnetic person you truly are, then courageously read on, girlfriend.
Are you ready, now, to learn about the five qualities of the magnetic woman? We'll dive into the first four in this chapter and save the fifth for a chapter of its own. These five Cs will shape you into the kind of woman who attracts that first date and makes the second one automatic.
A Magnetic Woman Is Courageous
Mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty
I talk to single gals of all types, including the shy, the spunky, the student, the career woman, the teenager, the middle-ager, the single mom, the independent woman, the woman who's fresh on the dating circuit, and the suddenly single again.
Wherever you fall in that lineup, you can become a magnetic woman as your answers to the following questions become yes -- even if you've still got a ways to go. Can you walk into a crowded room and cause heads to turn your way? Do you compel others to connect eye-to-eye when you look their way? Do you notice people smiling back at you when you smile at them? Can you gaze into his eyes for a few moments and turn away, then find he has crossed the room the talk to you? Now that is a magnetic woman! That magnetic woman can be the real you! I'm not talking a phony persona you don't even recognize. I'm talking the real magnetic woman who may be currently hidden away inside of you. In order to find that person, you must commit to adopting a winning attitude about your own personal identity.
Feel the fear and do it anyway! It's the only way to master any skill. Just as right thinking precedes right actions, right actions precede right feelings. If you wait until you feel confident before you try to act confident, you'll never get there. Push through the fear, even if your hands are shaking and your knees are knocking. Push through your discomfort and hold your head up. Push those shoulders back and look that person straight in the eye. Before you know it, you will no longer be faking confidence, you will have achieved it!
Courage is pushing beyond the pain of your past and rising above adversity so you can start over. The only way to conquer fear and gain courage is to face it. So, I ask you, what is the worst thing that can happen if you put yourself out there and show interest in a man? Write that possibility down in your journal, then think of at least two or three positive ways you can respond to that scenario -- what can you say? Having a plan ahead of time builds instant courage for most any situation.
And besides, the majority of what we worry about never happens! Think about that for a minute. We waste so much time holding ourselves back in love and in life because we're afraid of something there is a 90 percent chance won't ever happen. Now that should get you to say enough is enough! Let's face this FEAR -- False Evidence Appearing Real -- and get on with our lives.
My personal fear was public humiliation, and I was convinced I had good reason to be afraid. I had been publicly humiliated more than once, and I allowed those experiences to change my outward behavior, believe you me.
Exactly what do I mean by public humiliation? You know, like someone responding to your advance with a shout of, "Why are you walking next to me? I don't like you. Just leave me alone!" Mind you, that happened to me when I was twelve, so he was just a boy, but I still feel the sting today if I let myself think about it. Isn't that silly? For years, it affected the way I showed my feelings; I was always afraid I would be publicly humiliated if I had the nerve to think I was worthy of someone liking me. Hence, I was convinced that any time a boy showed interest in front of other people, he was most likely just making fun of me, like in the prom scene of Never Been Kissed or the horror film Carrie.
I remember once in high school I had a class assignment to lip-synch to an Olivia Newton-John song. I borrowed my sister's fancy dress and had her apply my makeup and do my hair. When I went to school, classmate Tim whistled at me from across the campus, along with a few football players nearby. I was horrified. I was sure they were making fun of me and totally being sarcastic. I wanted to hide. I was so insecure, I did not believe I could get noticed by boys in a positive way.
Then in college, my fears were confirmed when another popular football player asked me out. I eagerly accepted, thinking, "Cool. College sure changes things," only to have him stand me up. Ha, I had proven my point -- I was unworthy of love. Or had I? That guy who stood me up was notorious for breaking hearts in high school. Why did I think he had changed just because his buddies weren't right beside him? Could it have been that I was putting myself in situations to hang with popular boys of little character, known for making fun of people to increase their own public image?
I found out in my twenties that was indeed the case. I had believed a lie and then subconsciously tried to prove that lie by gravitating toward guys who treated me the way I expected to be treated. In life and in love we get what we expect to get, because that is what we seek out. And if our expectations are low, sure, we'll get there every time -- which means we'll get disappointment every time. And we won't be able to recognize the good guys, even when they are right in front of us, because unconsciously we feel unworthy of them.
Wow, is that deep! Let's sum this up by saying it takes courage to face your fear, see the truth, and develop a new view of you -- a magnetic you who deserves to have men take notice.
A Magnetic Woman Is Confident
Certain ; having or showing assurance and self-reliance
Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan first became a star when she was in a film called The Sure Thing starring opposite John Cusack, and the following year she was part of the ensemble of the nighttime soap Knots Landing. During the time she was represented by our talent agency, she impressed me with her effortless confidence. She'd come into our offices, usually in sweats or other casual attire, wearing little or no makeup. Nicollette seemed completely unaffected by anyone around her -- not in a rude "I'm above you" way, but rather a confident "I'm comfortable in my own skin" manner. Now, of course, you can argue that she is gorgeous, so it is easy for her to be unaffected. But I tell you, this was not the case. I spent nearly eleven years as a talent agent, and almost every day I saw famous, beautiful people who were over-the-top insecure.
I agree that Nicollette Sheridan is one of the pretty people who can skip makeup and still look great, but her personal magnetism was indeed a result of her confident unaffectedness. She was just who she was and didn't care what anyone else thought. She wasn't rude; she was just comfortable with herself.
In Beverly Hills, where I spent a majority of my active single years, movie stars and models walk down the street, browse Rodeo Drive, cruise by in fancy cars, or sit by you at some trendy café. It is so common, you don't always notice them. Why am I telling you this? The rich and famous are not always recognized in Tinseltown because they are a dime a dozen. It is the magnetic ones who catch our eye. And it was their magnetism and confidence that I studied, because that is what I wanted to absorb, so that I, too, could learn to turn heads.
The models and actresses I observed were possibly farther along the magnetic scale than you are at this moment, but, you'll get there -- one C at a time.
Fake It Till You Make It
I am happy to inform you that you do not have to feel confident before you look confident. Fake it till you make it definitely works when it comes to confidence! And standing tall is one quick and easy way to fake fabulous. Stand up straight, head held high, and you will come across as self-assured (not pompous) and thus attractive -- even if your hands are sweating, your knees are knocking, and your legs are shaking.
I'm a Dr. Phil fan. But I don't agree with everything he says. One such opinion I disagree with is found in his book Love Smart. Dr. Phil McGraw claims, "You will not succeed in the highly competitive dating game unless you are convinced that you are absolutely fabulous....You cannot fake fabulous. You have to be fabulous and know that you are fabulous!"
I say, well of course you can fake fabulous! It is done every single day by people in the dating, entertainment, business, and you-name-it worlds. To get a desired result, you have to fake it when you don't feel it. Period. You fake it until you make it. The more you practice being fabulous, the sooner you will feel and truly be fabulous -- remember, actions come before feelings. You start by changing your thinking to believe that you can become fabulous, then you act as if you are fabulous, until finally your feelings catch up with your thinking and actions, and it all comes together. Think -- act -- feel.
American Idol's sixth runner-up in season five, Kellie Pickler, managed to fake happiness each week as Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Paula Abdul publicly annihilated her performances -- in front of thirty million viewing Americans. That adorable country girl from Albemarle, North Carolina, kept her bright smile, politeness, and adorable charm throughout the competition. Oh, I'm sure she cried when she got back to her hotel room; but she faked happiness, charm, and confidence until she got there. And America? We fell in love with her for it.
So if you are terrified to look someone in the eye, pretend you are the most confident person in the world -- lift up your head, assume the posture, and look that person in the eye. Feel the fear and do it anyway. With practice and a few embarrassing moments (which won't kill you), you will emerge a confident woman people are eager to be near!
As my dad always says, "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." It takes conscious effort. Work at it until you have enough small victories, and confidence will become second nature. I know I keep repeating the same thing over and over, but I'm saying it again: feelings follow actions. Remember, it's think, act, feel. If you wait to feel magnetic before you act magnetic, you will never get there. Act confident, and you will soon feel confident. It only takes one little victory of stepping out of your comfort zone to build momentum for the next time, and from there you'll be willing to risk again and again. Before you know it, you'll wonder how you ever feared looking a man in the eyes.
Demure Confidence Works TooAs I mentioned above when I was chatting with you shy gals out there, a magnetic woman is also at times demure. Quite an appealing trait. A demure girl is coy or shy.7 A man likes a shy, coy, well-mannered lady just as much as a funny, outgoing, direct gal. Both layers are intriguing and keep him guessing. The ideal is to have all these traits wrapped up in the same woman. We all have these sides, though some are just more repressed than others because of insecurity or life experiences that have taught us to repress them.
Demure confidence from a respectable lady draws attention, especially these days when it is rather rare. Whenever I attracted a famous bad boy, I was pursued because I was demure and thus different from the usual girls in his circles. As his antithesis, I became a challenge that intrigued him. Before long he asked for my phone number. His appeal to me (aside from his fame) was my naive thought that I could change him over to my lifestyle. Neither of us won, but both sides had fun trying.
A Magnetic Woman Is Compelling
To drive or urge forcefully or irresistibly; to cause to do or occur by overwhelming pressure
A compelling woman is irresistible because she knows where she's been and what she wants, and she pursues her own destiny. Other women want to be like her, and men want to be with her. You can be her by spending time getting to know yourself and revisiting your dreams.
Have you made up your wish list for an ideal date? I am so impressed if you already have one. You're probably already compelling and didn't even know it. Pull out your list and revisit it to see if you want to update any wishes for your next first date. If you haven't written out your wish list, here's your chance. Grab your journal, and let's design your perfect mate. Imagine yourself already a fabulous, alluring, magnetic woman. Now grab your pen and describe the man who deserves that woman. What are his qualities? What does he look like? What is his job description? How important and strong is his faith? Ponder every detail you want in your next date, right down to the color of his hair.
Can you date someone who doesn't exactly match your list? Sure you can. Compelling women attract men of all shapes and sizes. You will attract and be attracted to men who don't match your list, and you'll discover that some of them have some of the important qualities on your list. Others won't have any at all. Prioritize your list for which qualities are "must haves" and which are just "nice to haves," so you can decide who gets a shot and who doesn't.
You've got to have that list if you want to choose your dates well. Why? Here's a scary reality: every one of us has this invisible GPS, a homing device magnetizing us to those who are at the same emotional level we are at. That reality alone should be your wake-up call to do all you possibly can to get emotionally healthy so you can finally attract men who are internally desirable, rather than emotional disasters.
The Unwanted and Wanted Posters
In Finding a Man Worth Keeping, I had you write out your want ad, based on the qualities you've been getting from your relationships thus far. If you didn't do it then, do it now. Using one piece of paper (or page in your journal) for each past relationship, at the top of the page write the ex-boyfriend's name, then draw a line down the middle of the page. List all his good qualities on one side and bad qualities on the other. Do this for every guy you've gone out with. After you're done, go back and circle every negative and positive quality that is repeated in at least two of your guys. Cross out everything else.
Now you'll need a big piece of construction paper or poster board, a pair of scissors, and some old magazines, newspapers, and catalogs. On one side of the poster board, write in bold letters at the top UNWANTED. On the reverse side of your poster board, write WANTED. Now, look at the list of circled negative qualities from previous dates. Cut out words and pictures from your magazines, newspapers, and catalogs that represent this unwanted guy and the unwanted life you've been living, then glue or tape them on the UNWANTED side. Do the same for the WANTED side of your poster -- revealing the man and the lifestyle you want. Add to the WANTED side, words and pictures of qualities you want in your ideal guy but haven't yet found. Keep this double-sided poster at home as a humorous reminder of where you've been and where you're going. It will inspire you.
Compelling Women Face Their Shortcomings
Facing our shortcomings is not always easy, but you can't fix what's broken unless you know where the break is. While you do your poster exercise, think through and write down answers to these profound questions:
1. Though different on the outside, do your dates repeatedly end up looking the same on the inside, maybe not physically or professionally, but in the way they treat you? If so, in what ways are they the same, and why do you think you are attracted to those character traits?
2. Are you getting the same results each time you meet someone new? Perhaps you get asked out on a few first dates but rarely a second. If he does call to see you again, he doesn't ask to take you on an official date; rather, he just calls at the last minute and has you come over to his place. If so, what do you think happened for him to infer that you deserve less than first-class treatment?
3. Have you gotten feedback from any of your dates, either directly or from a third party who set you up? What was said? Were there comments like you were too needy, too chatty, too whiny, too sassy, too messy, too tidy, too...anything? What was his "complaint," and was there any validity to his claim? If so, is that something you want to change about yourself?
Once you identify the problem, remedies are available for most any dating dilemma. If, for example, all your dates end up treating you in the same poor manner, the solution is to learn to command respect by building your self-esteem. When you feel good about who you are, you will be turned off and lose interest in anyone who treats you less than you deserve to be treated. If you find that dates usually call you at the last minute and rarely spend money on you or take you out in public, there's an easy fix for that. Stop accepting last-minute dates. Problem solved. (We'll talk about this in more detail in chapters 5 and 10.) If dates often give you the brush-off -- like they're busy right now or some other excuse -- you possibly have acted too needy or tried to get too serious too soon. That's fixable as well, just don't freak out your next first date with any talk of a future together! Let the potential future of you two be a progressive dialogue over many dates, not the first few.
I know it's not fun to reminisce on the negative, but there's a great payoff to figuring out why you got a certain negative result: you can figure out how to obtain a positive result next time. You have to know what's missing before you can add it, you have to know what's cracked to mend it, and you have to know what's wrong to make it right. Thinking about these three questions is a big step toward your desired result -- that soon-to-be automatic 2nd date.
Compelling women are proactive. They look at where they've been, face their shortcomings, make necessary changes, and progressively move toward their goal.
Compelling Women Uncover Their Unique Qualities
The prince in Ever After -- one of my all-time favorite chick flicks -- was irresistibly drawn to Drew Barrymore's depiction of Cinderella, not because she was the most beautiful young maiden in town, but because she was different. She knew who she was and what she wanted. She was demure yet possessed plenty of spunk as she respectfully spoke her mind. She was also profoundly well-read, a quality found in no other women in her town.
What makes you intriguing? What is unique about your background, hobbies, talents, experiences, travel, jobs, languages, and knowledge? You may be surprised to find out you have done a lot of unique things and possess qualities few others have. Begin writing out your autobiography, and see what the pages of your life reveal. You might surprise yourself and discover that your life has been fascinating!
Compelling Women Are Creative
Oh, yes, you have a creative side. Your creativity may be underdeveloped, like unused muscles that crave a visit to the gym. Your creative "muscles," like your physical muscles, operate under the "use it or lose it" policy. Don't you think it's time to exercise that side of your brain? Do you like to draw, paint, sing, or write? Do you enjoy going to the movies, the theatre, the ballet, the museum, or the opera, even if it's by yourself?
Few people take advantage of the tourist attractions or nature adventures in their local cities. They get spoiled or bogged down by busy, daily lives. But no, no, no, not you. You are creative, and creative people know their towns and know what's happening around them because they've made the effort to explore. Do this, and you will not only add depth to your life, you will also meet intriguing new people in the process, and it may include your next first date.
What are your dreams, aspirations, interests, and hobbies? Stop right now to fill a page in your journal by writing them down. Then write three things you will do this week to pursue these interests. Each week come up with three more things, insignificant as they may seem, to move toward your worthwhile goals. Pursue this new and improved life while you are searching for your next first date, and you will inevitably become intriguing. If you spend your early dates revealing these intriguing things about yourself -- rather than focusing on hardship, bitterness, or wrongs suffered -- your dates will be calling you again and again.
Compelling Women Have Spunk
Do you have spunk? Do people chuckle at some of the things you say or do? Are you known to have a firm opinion on certain things and a willingness to share these views? Do you have the courage to say the one thing no one else dares to say, and yet you think of it as no big deal? All these traits are chalked up to "spunk" and are quite compelling to most any bachelor.
Don't be one who always takes the safe road and follows along with the crowd. You won't stand out that way. I love the country song that says "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything." My personal faith is the most precious thing to me. Oh, I've taken a lot of ribbing for it -- especially in Hollywood, where religion is cool as long as your belief is in "god," small g. This is the kind of religion where any kind of god is okay and all religions are simply variations of the same thing, so believe whatever you want and you're cool. But if you let it be known that you believe in Jesus Christ as the only true God -- yikes! -- you are labeled narrow-minded, judgmental, and rude. The labels may be inaccurate, but you are still left to withstand the wrath of such popular opinion, no matter how compassionately you behave. Do you have the spunk to make a defense for who you are? Or do you bend every way the wind blows? A compelling, thus magnetic, woman takes a stand no matter how hot the fire gets. And for that, you may be publicly roasted. But I tell you from personal experience: you will most definitely be privately respected and at times even publicly respected. You want to be intriguing? Stand for something.
A Magnetic Woman Is Covert
Not openly shown, engaged in, or avowed; veiled
Here's a little secret: a magnetic woman knows the covert game of chasing a man until he catches her! You, my dear, don't chase men; no, no, no. In fact, this is all a covert, discreet operation of drawing men to you. You let him know you are interested -- you don't have to hide that -- but it is how you let him know you're available and interested that matters. In this section, I will teach you the covert art of flirting.
When you flirt, you are not officially chasing the boys; rather, you are compelling them to chase you. Men want to do the chasing, because they are natural-born hunters. Sure, you are putting great effort into finding and attracting available men, but you are doing it in such a way that he is the pursuer and you are the pursuee!
Men want to be confident that you will agree to go out with them when they ask you, so you covertly give them this confidence through flirting. This allows men to make the official move with the confidence that you'll say yes, while maintaining the perception that they are in control.
Flirting actually works for you in several ways. Not only does it spare you the kind of rejections you've dealt with in the past, it does wonders for a man's ego by letting him know you're interested. You see, more than most women realize, many men are shy and insecure. It's nice for them to get some reassurance now and then. Easing fear of rejection, flirting clues the man in that it's safe to make an approach -- a win for him because there's a lot of pressure on the male to make all the moves. By flirting, you are engaging in a covert operation of letting your potential date know of your interest -- just to help him out -- now, isn't that thoughtful?
Bottom line, flirting is a fun, nondirect way of attracting a great guy, without risking the rejection of a more direct approach. It's the easy way to get asked out by that cutie when you don't have the luxury of someone to set you up. And the key to flirting is appropriate, inviting eye contact.
Does Anyone Really See Me?
Our society is not personal enough these days. Lack of personal eye contact may be due to being shy, but I'm suspicious it has more to do with being preoccupied. Taking the time to look into another human's eyes can transform any relationship, at all levels of your life; it makes people feel like they are really seen, heard, and thus matter. Wow, all that from a little eye-to-eye connection. And one of the many benefits of developing a style of direct eye contact is that, when appropriate, flirting becomes automatic and effortless.
Determine from this point on to consciously and deliberately practice actually looking at people in your everyday path, both male and female. Obviously I'm not suggesting you flirt with married men or other women. I'm suggesting you make more eye-to-eye human contact, including with women. I'm talking about taking the risk, on a daily basis, to look people in the eye and hold their gaze for at least a second. Practice this often -- anywhere or anytime. Try it at the fast-food counter, in the grocery store, dry cleaners, bank, or at church. Anytime you exchange money with a cashier, checker, or fast-food clerk, look the attendant in the eye. By the way, if your gaze is meant to be platonic, it's best to keep it under three seconds.
It may feel weird and uncomfortable the first time you look your fast-food clerk in the eye. If it does, you'll know you haven't been really seeing people around you. They take your order, accept your cash or debit card, and give you food most every day; yet you aren't seeing them really. Be different. Be compelling. When you look into someone's eye, you look into his soul.
As you grow more and more accustomed to looking strangers in the eye, it will become comfortable for you to scan a room and look that cute single guy in the eye and nonverbally communicate your interest in him.
The Art of Silent Conversation
Here is my quick description of the three-second flirt: when you cross paths with a man who intrigues you, discreetly position yourself so you are in his line of vision -- be it across a crowded room, in a classroom, in a business meeting, across the street, or standing in line. Then look invitingly into his eyes. That's right, you catch his eye. When your eyes meet, offer him your full attention with a focused three-second gaze (one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand). The eyes meet; you speak with your eyes, then your mouth curves into the smile -- not a huge smile, rather your best, soft, "I'm intrigued" smile. You end your three-second flirt with a smile as you casually look away.
Three seconds of gazing is plenty of time to speak volumes. If you can muster the courage to hold the gaze five seconds, you go, girl! There will be little doubt that you are interested. If you hold your gaze any longer than five seconds, however, you've just bordered on creepy. Most likely he will look away first, not a good sign. Practice makes perfect. So set out to practice flirting a little bit every day.
With the goal of mastering this three-second flirt, the next time you are out and about, make it a personal challenge to zero in on at least three apparently single men (no rings on their fingers) and practice your flirting skills.
Are you ready to find a potential date? Here's your step-by-step on how to bring him on over: Slowly scan the room with calm, soft eyes, resting your eyes briefly on any man who captures your attention, then casually glance for a bare ring finger. If his finger is bare, lock into a gaze for your three-second flirt. Again, silently count it out if you need to -- one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand -- add a slight smile or grin, and then casually look away. But remember, this isn't a see-who-blinks-first starring contest. You are merely going for getting noticed, something rather important for gaining first dates.
You are not a failure if you aren't noticed by your man the very first time you meet his gaze. If he hasn't jumped out of his seat and rushed over to meet you, wait a few minutes then re-engage his eyes a second, third, or even fourth time during the time you are in the same place at the same time. Don't assume you've blown it if you are not asked out on this first encounter. He may not have known you were available, he may be shy or temporarily unavailable, or you may need to work on your flirting skills.
Repetition is a good thing. When you think about it, it is natural to connect with someone who intrigues you either consciously or subconsciously. Haven't you ever caught yourself looking at some stranger over and over in a crowded restaurant. You don't mean to stare, so you look away a bit before you sneak another peek. I'm just teaching you how to do this to get your desired results -- a conversation and maybe even a request for a date! It just takes a little practice.
Another reason it may take more than one flirtatious gaze is that he may not be sure he's reading you right. He may think you noticed him, but he may also think you might be confusing him for someone else. By the third or fourth pass, he'll get the picture without your coming across as obnoxious, because you're being subtle.
I hope you are catching on that the art of flirting involves more than your eyes. Your body language can also let him know you're interested. If you stand with your arms uncrossed, you'll convey that you are open, and when you maintain great posture -- shoulders back, head held up, and stomach pulled in tight -- you'll communicate that you are confident.
It's Like We've Known Each Other for Years
Think of flirting as developing a nonverbal conversation. Things are happening around you that both you and your potential date may notice. When something merits a reaction, you can look his way with a "knowing look." You are trying to get on his same wavelength, reacting to your shared environment and hoping to create a bond between you two. Say you saw something cute, like a child doing something adorable or an elderly couple being sweet and romantic. Look his way and smile to get across, "Wasn't that cute." If a waiter drops a tray of food, you can look his way and chuckle, raise an eyebrow, or express a nonverbal "oops." If conflict arises around one of you, you can look at each other to communicate, "Oh no, what's going to happen next?" If the entire event you have both found yourselves attending is totally boring, you can look at him for shared sympathy. Develop a conversation through flirting, without saying a word, and he will feel like he's known you forever. It will be natural for him to come over and chat with his "old friend."
Covertly practice these skills, and you will reveal your interest in a safe, nonconfrontational manner. If flirting does not cause this man to come over and get your number, no need to feel rejected, because you did not exchange words. You merely engaged in a covert operation. The secret is safe with you. Keep being magnetic, and keep practicing wherever you encounter enticing single men. Sooner than you think, all these techniques will click, and men will automatically begin making moves to strike up conversations with you.Automatic Recap
1. Magnetic women make great first impressions.
First impressions happen in moments -- before you ever open your mouth.
People judge you by your posture, expressions, gestures, hairstyle, clothes, physique, and beauty.
Your impression of you affects every part of your outward presentation.
Coy and bashful can attract as well as vivacious and outgoing, as long as you muster up the courage to look that man in the eye and hold his gaze for a moment before you smile and turn away.
2. Magnetic women have great attitudes.
How you think about yourself determines how you act, and how you act determines how you feel, and all of this affects the life and love you find.
Magnetic women have a positive mental outlook about themselves and their appeal to the opposite sex.
Changing your attitude changes your vibe (that unconscious, nonverbal message your very presence emits), which changes your response from men.
Since we only choose men we feel worthy of, you owe it to yourself to work on your perception of yourself until you believe you're worthy of quality, treat-you-right men.
3. Magnetic women have courage.
Courage is the mental strength to withstand rejection and the mental tenacity to pursue the real fabulous woman inside.
To gain courage, face your fear and step out of your comfort zone. The worst that can happen is rejection, and you've already been there, done that, and survived.
4. Magnetic women exude confidence.
Confidence shows through in your self-assurance and self-reliance.
You can look confident before you feel confident -- just fake it till you make it.
Confident women are at times demure -- coy, using modest, playful flirtation. Men love demure, well-mannered ladies just as much as funny, outgoing gals.
5. Magnetic women are compelling.
Knowing what you want is easy when you grab a pen and write out your starry-eyed wish list for the man of your dreams.
Compelling women face their shortcomings and are dedicated to improving themselves.
Compelling women are different, creative, and not afraid to show their spunk.
6. Magnetic women are covert.
Covert women know how to pursue a man so discreetly that he thinks he is the one making the pursuit! She chases him until he catches her!
Magnetic women confidentl
y master the three-second flirt and practice it daily until it is an automatic part of their single lives.
Covert women love to flirt, anytime, anywhere, just by looking any appealing single man right in the eye. Look up, scan the room, zero in, and make contact.
The Magnetic Woman Emerges
I am so excited for you right now, I am bursting at the seams. You have found the courage to step out of your comfort zone, feel the fear, and adopt a winning attitude! You now know that you can show yourself to be confident even if you have to fake it till you feel it. You've discovered that you are a compelling woman who knows where she's been, what she wants, and where she's going. And you've learned how to look the world in the eye and flirt across a crowded room. I would say that is huge, wouldn't you?
All that's left to develop in your magnetic personality is your charisma. Turn to the next chapter and let's find your beauty in the eye of the beholder.Automatic Journaling
Making Magnetic Happen
1. With your new "don't worry, be happy" attitude, list ten things about yourself or your present life you are thankful for right now.
2. Let's explore the possibility that some of your negative views about men are false.
a. Write down one negative assumption you have about men along with the name of some guys from your past who have confirmed this belief.
b. Now, write down the opposing viewpoint and read it out loud to hear yourself say it.
c. Write down one thing about your behavior toward men that would change if you believed the opposite of your negative view of men.
3. Go someplace where there are people you don't yet know, and make direct eye contact with three strangers; then smile at them before you look away. Write down how it felt. Was it comfortable, odd, nerve wracking, fun, terrifying?
4. Today is the day to be daring and bold. The day to feel the fear and do it anyway. The day to fake it till you make it. So write down a few things you have been putting off due to fear of failure -- anything from speaking in front of people to singing karaoke, riding a bike, or asking for a raise. Now, visualize yourself succeeding and taking the first step toward your goal. Now hold your head up and go out and do it. Then write down all that transpired from your courage to fake it till you make it.
5. Describe in detail a man who deserves the magnetic woman you are becoming. Is this an easy exercise for you, or are you arguing with yourself about your personal magnetism?
6. If you haven't already made your WANTED/UNWANTED poster (I prefer the thick presentation boards so it's not flimsy) go back to page 17 and make it now. Keep it in plain view so it catches your eye often.
Revisit page 18 and thoroughly answer the three questions about facing your shortcomings:
7. Look at the list of repeated qualities from your previous relationships. Why do you think you are attracting men with these qualities?
8. Write down three less-than-favorable responses to your first dates -- i.e. no second date, last-minute call for second date, or just a "come on over to my place" second get-together.
9. Thinking back to your first date, what do you think you did or said to give that man the impression you would accept that treatment?
10. Get out there and flirt. Make a chart in your journal and log in each time you flirt. How many guys did you flirt with? How many seconds did you hold his gaze? Did he look away first? Did you manage to develop a nonverbal conversation? Did he walk on over and introduce himself? How did you feel about the whole process?
Excerpted from The Automatic 2nd Date by Victorya Michaels Rogers Copyright © 2007 by Victorya Michaels Rogers. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.