The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

by P. J. O'Rourke
     
 

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From P. J. O'Rourke, best-selling author and expert bachelor, comes a hilarious look at domestic life. Or, as P. J. puts it, "This is a book about cooking, cleaning, and housekeeping for people who don't know how to do any of those things and aren't about to learn." In addition to debunking popular myths about bachelors (they are in fact not creatures known to hang

Overview

From P. J. O'Rourke, best-selling author and expert bachelor, comes a hilarious look at domestic life. Or, as P. J. puts it, "This is a book about cooking, cleaning, and housekeeping for people who don't know how to do any of those things and aren't about to learn." In addition to debunking popular myths about bachelors (they are in fact not creatures known to hang around the house in silk smoking jackets, sipping brandy from oversized snifters) P. J. offers some useful sections on cleaning - or how best to avoid doing it: "Spill something fresh on the floor because a slippery floor is much more like a clean, waxed floor than a stinky floor is."; "Every month or so, take the curtains down-and throw them away. Turn the lights off if you don't want the neighbors to see what you're doing. The same goes for slipcovers."; "Don't use Drano if a toilet gets clogged. Remembering, the toilet is a dog's idea of Perrier. And you don't want a dog with a melted tongue."; "Sheets can be kept clean by getting drunk and falling asleep with your clothes on." In the inimitable style that has made him one of America's most popular humorists, P. J. provides an essential guide to the practical business of living in the modern world and proves that "Camus had it all wrong about the myth of Sisyphus - it's not symbolic of life, just housekeeping." "To say that P.J. O'Rourke is funny is like saying that the Rocky Mountains are scenic - accurate but insufficient." - Chicago Tribune

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781555847081
Publisher:
Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
Publication date:
12/01/2007
Series:
O'Rourke, P. J.
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
176
Sales rank:
458,565
File size:
4 MB

Read an Excerpt

The Bachelor Home Companion

A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig
By P. J. O'Rourke

Grove Atlantic, Inc.

Copyright © 1993 P. J. O'Rourke
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-87113-686-4


Chapter One

Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. It's not so much fun if you think of it as dinner. Fortunately, baloney, cheeseburgers, beer, and potato-chip dip provide all the daily nutrients bachelors are known to require. I mean, I hope they do. I have several specialties. Instant coffee is one. Simple omelettes are another. My recipe: Add contents of refrigerator to two eggs and cook until everything stops wiggling. A bachelor friend of mine has an interesting variation. Mix last night's Chinese take-out food with your scrambled eggs. (Remove fortune from cookie first.) He calls it Egg Foo Breakfast. I also make a delicious stew. I put meat, beef bouillon, potatoes, celery, carrots, onions, and a splash of red wine into a large pot. When it begins to simmer I go watch football games until all the ingredients boil down to a tarry mass. Then I phone out for pizza or Chinese. * * * How often does a house need to be cleaned, anyway? As a general rule, once every girlfriend. After that she can get to know the real you. * * * To give a woman the impression that your house is clean, use Pledge. Don't use it onanything, just squirt some in the air. This makes it smell as though you've dusted.... Now spill something fresh on the floor because a slippery floor is much more like a clean, waxed floor than a sticky floor is. * * * Every kitchen should be equipped with a dishwasher, preferably a cute one wearing her apron and nothing else. * * * Sheets can be kept clean by getting drunk and falling asleep with your clothes on.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from The Bachelor Home Companion by P. J. O'Rourke Copyright © 1993 by P. J. O'Rourke. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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