The Best-Case Scenario Handbook: A Parody

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Overview

Prepare for the best—you never know when life will take an unpredictable turn, forcing you to deal with sudden wealth, power, love, success, fame, and earthly glory. Here are step-by-step illustrated instructions on what you need to know THIS...

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More About This Book

Overview

Prepare for the best—you never know when life will take an unpredictable turn, forcing you to deal with sudden wealth, power, love, success, fame, and earthly glory. Here are step-by-step illustrated instructions on what you need to know THIS VERY MINUTE.

How to cope with a broken ATM that will not stop dispensing cash

How to accept an Academy Award

How to respond when someone you want to dump dumps you first

What to do in a pretentious restaurant when you're mistaken for the Times food critic

What to do when you look younger every birthday


...plus practical information on how to wangle a first-class upgrade from coach and how to behave when confused Palm Beach retirees erroneously elect you President of the United States.

Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
John Tierney thinks that we spend too much time preparing for the worst, when instead we should be contemplating glorious moments of uncanny luck. Why worry, for instance, about shark attacks when you could be thinking about what to do when your local ATM machine suddenly starts spitting out piles of cash? Though this book is tongue-in-cheek, it does include practical information on what to do if you do strike it rich.
Publishers Weekly
This amusing parody of the already tongue-in-cheek Worst-Case Scenario books offers readers tips on how to cope with a world that's secretly conspiring to help them out. Times writer Tierney's facetious advice is directed towards those for whom sex, wealth and vengeance fantasies have come to life. How about: "What to do when a drunken Bill Gates rear-ends your car and mumbles 'isn't there some way we can work this out without the police'"? Or: "How to manage tensions when you are promoted over the head of your insufferable boss." Should the latter happen, Tierney says, then by all means "[g]reet him heartily, assuring him he can keep his office 'for now.'" Although Tierney includes a few scenarios that go on a bit too long, and ends with an slightly off-key Panglossian ode to modernity (the "Ultimate Best-Case Scenario"), the book is a droll send-up of both our daydreams of good fortune and those who already enjoy it. (Oct. 25) Copyright 2003 Cahners Business Information.

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780761128618
  • Publisher: Workman Publishing Company, Inc.
  • Publication date: 9/28/2002
  • Pages: 150
  • Sales rank: 718,919
  • Product dimensions: 5.06 (w) x 7.24 (h) x 0.38 (d)

Meet the Author

John Tierney is a columnist and writer for The New York Times. He recently won his second Nobel Prize and is often mistaken for Brad Pitt.

Read an Excerpt

How to Cope With a Broken ATM That Will Not Stop Dispensing Cash

1. Remain calm.

Do not try to repair the machine. The job can be done safely only by a certified technician

2. Make sure you're alone.

If others are present, show no surprise as the machine spews thousands of dollars. Explain politely: "I'm afraid I'll be a while. Do you mind going somewhere else? I'd appreciate some privacy." Deflect questions by saying you have "one of those new platinum cards."

If anyone lingers, put on an official air. Pick up the machine's service telephone, if there is one, or lean toward an imaginary microphone on the machine. Speak loudly: "Security. Code 23. Proceed to shutdown mode. Secure perimeter." Tersely order the bystander to exit.

If anyone still lingers, put your face within three inches of his face and snarl, "This is a robbery, you expletive moron. You've got three seconds before we blow your fat expletive head off." Start counting.

3. Check to see if there are any security cameras.

If not, proceed to Step 4. If there are security cameras, leave the money in front of the machine as though you want no part of it. Pick up the service telephone, if there is one, or pretend to look for an emergency phone number on the machine.

Suddenly throw your hands up in the air. Slowly turn around and gaze in terror at an imaginary armed assailant beyond camera range. Nod obediently. Carry the money to the imaginary assailant.

4. Take the money and don't run.

Stuff the bills into your pockets and clothing. Tighten your belt before dumping cash inside your shirt or blouse. For more storage space, tuck your pants into your socks, cyclist-style. To turn asweater into a valise, seal one sleeve by knotting it at the cuff and use the other sleeve to cinch the sweater just below the neckband. Walk calmly away from the ATM.

5. Stash the cash.

Hid it in a secure place unlikely to be searched by the police. Make no suspiciously large expenditures of cash for at least a year.

6. Tell no one.

Any revelation makes you vulnerable to legal action as well as the expectation by your friends that you'll always be picking up the check.

If you enacted the hold-up drama for the security camera, immediately report your driver's license stolen and get a new one. If bank or police officials later question you, say the assailant took your license and threatened to hunt you down if you reported the crime.

If bank officials continue harassing you, ask them why security was so poor at the ATM facility. Tell them you've been advised to sue. Mention your recurring nightmares.

Table of Contents

Introduction 6
Chapter I Best-Case Moments 9
Chapter II Best-Case Scenarios at Home 29
Chapter III Best-Case Food and Drink 45
Chapter IV Best-Case Love and Sex 51
Chapter V Best-Case Travel 71
Chapter VI Best-Case Gigs 93
Chapter VII Best-Case Accidents 115
Chapter VIII Too-Good-to-be-True Scenarios 123
Appendix A 133
Appendix B 134
Sources 136
Acknowledgments 147

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