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The Best of the ShowA Classic Collection of Wit and Wisdom
By Bill Scheft
Warner BooksCopyright © 2005 Bill Scheft
All right reserved.
Chapter OneTHE SHOW
ELS WEATHERS BRITISH Before the fourman, four-hole playoff began, Ernie huddled with his psychologist, Jos Vanstiphout. He was very supportive. I believe his exact words were, "Who do I look like, Harvey Penick? Just don't cough it up like you did against Retief Goosen and embarrass me!"
Jos Vanstiphout. That's the sound the membership board at Augusta makes when a woman approaches the clubhouse.
The tournament was full of surprises. Are you like me? Are you wondering if Tiger is suddenly using a Nike kryptoniteshafted putter?
Woods shot an 81 on Day 3, the worst 18 holes of his pro career. He played so badly that midway through the round, the Swedish nanny ducked into the scoring tent with Soren Hansen.
Brutal weather for Round 3. On the bright side the flowers on Duffy Waldorf 's shirt and hat needed the rain.
Monty shot an 84 last Saturday. By the third hole he was reprimanded by course marshals for heckling himself.
ALLEN IVERSON AWAITS THE ANSWER The NBA All-Star was arrested on four felonies and 10 misdemeanors. None of the charges count as team fouls.
If convicted on all counts,Iverson faces a maximum of 65 years in jail. And his cousin gets two shots and the ball on the side.
Actually, it's 65 years, or 12 seasons with the Grizzlies.
Sixty-five years in prison. However, his lawyers are working out a deal to get it reduced to life in Reeboks. The latest incident began when Allen allegedly threw his wife out of the house naked. That would make her the first member of the Iverson family left uncovered.
Iverson's no dummy. He's going to show up in court with Bennett Salvatore and Bernie Fryer to protect him.
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CELEBRATES 16 STRAIGHT WEEKS WITHOUT A BOUNCED CHECK Despite reports to the contrary, Devil Rays managing general partner Vince Naimoli says his team is not desperate for cash. Of course, he said it while selling candy bars at the entrance to the Tampa Mall.
The balance of power in baseball is still lopsided. The Yankees placed Roger Clemens on the 15-day disabled list. Then, for insurance, they offered $6 million to the Blue Jays to acquire Roy Halladay's groin.
The Cardinals traded for veteran lefty
Chuck Finley. Not to be outdone, the Reds acquired the only person who can hit him- Tawny Kitaen.
The Indians are going through with a July 27 promotion in which they'll give out baseball cards of former Tribe's pitcher Bartolo Colon. And there are still seats available for Aug. 4 -Albert Belle Bobble-Hip Doll Night.
By the way, midnight July 31 is the insider trading deadline for Martha Stewart.
MARTINA HINGIS DATING SERGIO GARCIA She has only one complaint: He stands over her too long.
ROLAND LATINA, RAWLINGS'S "GLOVE DOCTOR," PASSES AWAY AT AGE 78 There is no truth to the rumor he was tied up with string, soaked in a bucket of water and buried under a 14-year-old's mattress.
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Blood, Sweat and Tears.
Jos Vanstiphou This was the last thing I came up with for my first SI column. I love this formula, which Johnny Carson did for years as Carnac. My favorite: "The answer: Constantin Chernenko. The question: What is the sound a fat man makes sliding across a linoleum floor?"
Allen Iverson Awaits the Answer Timing is everything. It was a huge break to get this story the first week. The details were odd, you had a hugely public figure and 99% of the charges were dropped. It raises the question: What phrase do you think Allen Iverson has heard more, "Nice shot," or "Do you mind if we ask you some questions?"
"Glove Doctor" I learned to write obituary jokes while working for Dave Letterman. The one I remember is about the guy who invented the multiplex movie theater. His funeral was at 11:00, 1:15, 3:30 and 6:00.
How about those course conditions at Muirfield? It rained so much Saturday, they had to dump out the Claret Jug three times. Remind me to fax this to Bob Hope if he's doing any gigs in heaven.
U.S. Post Office raises first-class stamp to 37 cents. Thanks a lot, Lance. Lance Armstrong was about to win his fourth straight Tour de France. He was sponsored by the U.S. Postal Service. But still and all, this is a stretch.
An explanation: I started doing this to end my columns at ESPN Magazine. It was kind of a salute to my years as a comic opening for bands and singers. That's how you'd get offstage: "My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Jay and the Americans!" Just to be safe, for this first column, I went with a well-known group that evoked some sports-like images. That was the last time I did that. From now on, it'll mostly be residents of the "Where are they now?" file. I will include their one or two hits, just to jog your memories. If they had any more than two, you probably won't see them here.
Excerpted from The Best of the Show by Bill Scheft Copyright © 2005 by Bill Scheft. Excerpted by permission.
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