The Big Book Of Church Jokes

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Overview

Who couldn't use a good laugh these days? Well, here are hundreds of clean, good-natured jokes centered on that very important place we visit each week: church! The Big Book of Church Jokes is a brand-new collection, topically arranged into 20 sections relating to pastors, deacons, people in the pews, Sunday school, buildings and grounds, missionaries, the spiritual gifts, old-time church, weddings, funerals, heaven, and more. Plus, you'll love the quality Christian cartoons included. The Big Book of Church Jokes...

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The Big Book of Church Jokes

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Overview

Who couldn't use a good laugh these days? Well, here are hundreds of clean, good-natured jokes centered on that very important place we visit each week: church! The Big Book of Church Jokes is a brand-new collection, topically arranged into 20 sections relating to pastors, deacons, people in the pews, Sunday school, buildings and grounds, missionaries, the spiritual gifts, old-time church, weddings, funerals, heaven, and more. Plus, you'll love the quality Christian cartoons included. The Big Book of Church Jokes is perfect for personal reading enjoyment, or for sermon or speech preparation. It's a big book for a reasonable price--only $9.97!

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781602603868
  • Publisher: Barbour Publishing, Incorporated
  • Publication date: 6/28/2009
  • Edition description: Original
  • Pages: 368
  • Sales rank: 793,355
  • Product dimensions: 5.20 (w) x 8.20 (h) x 1.00 (d)

Read an Excerpt

The Big Book of Church Jokes


By Len Jones, Dennis Daniel

Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 Barbour Publishing, Inc.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60260-386-8



CHAPTER 1

Pastors


Over the years of their marriage, a pastor's wife had begun signaling her husband throughout his sermons. When she discreetly touched her hand to the top of her hair, she was telling him the message was going over the people's heads. When she pulled at her ear lobe, she was asking him to speak louder. When she drew her fingers lightly across her throat, she was telling him it was time to cut the message short.

One Sunday morning, the pastor became so caught up in his message that he forgot to look his wife's way for some time. After nearly a half hour, he glanced her way—to see her holding her nose.

* * *

"It's time to get up for church," a mother told her son. "You know today is Sunday."

"I don't want to go," he replied. "I don't have any friends there. The music is awful. And the sermons are boring!"

"But you have to go," the mother insisted. "You're the pastor!"

* * *

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?

A: German shepherds.

* * *

"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying," a pastor told his congregation. "To help you understand my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark chapter 17."

The following Sunday, the preacher asked how many of his members had read the assigned chapter. Many hands went up.

"Mark has only sixteen chapters," the pastor said, smiling. "I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

* * *

An airplane flew into a violent thunderstorm and experienced a lot of turbulence. One very nervous flier happened to be sitting next to a clergyman. "Can't you do something?" she pleaded.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," the reverend said gently. "I'm in sales, not management."

* * *

A young intern was substituting for the church's pastor, a popular minister who had suddenly become ill. The young man, though obviously nervous, presented his sermon well and then concluded his prayer with a heartfelt, "And may Pastor Hale be filled with fresh veal and new zigor!"

* * *

Some pastors' sermons are like the peace of God. They surpass all understanding.

* * *

A new preacher was delivering his first sermon and was quite nervous. He became even more concerned when he noticed that he didn't have the attention of the congregation.

"Can you hear me in the back?" he questioned.

"Not really," was the reply, whereupon everyone in the first several rows got up and moved to the back.

* * *

A man heard the airplane stewardess address his seatmate as "Doctor."

"You're a doctor, huh?" he asked. "I've been wanting to ask one of you about this pain I've been having in my side."

The doctor smiled pleasantly. "I doubt I could be of much help to you," he said. "My training is in homiletics."

"Homiletics," the man said, gasping. "Is that fatal?"

* * *

An opinionated woman attended a church service to hear a young minister. At the conclusion of the service someone asked her what she thought of his message.

"He sure spoke in true apostolic style," she commented. "He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel."

* * *

An old man had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them.

As the pastor stood next to the bed, the old man's condition appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and the man used every ounce of strength to scribble a note before he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when the man died. He said, "You know, he handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note and turned pale as he read aloud the words, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

* * *

The pastor was looking over the nativity scene the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

He walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly and without remorse, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I asked Jesus for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd give Him a ride in it."

* * *

One Easter Sunday the minister invited all the young children to come to the front of the sanctuary for a children's sermon. The children were in their new Easter outfits and the pastor couldn't help noticing one especially pretty blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe—but she had a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said "You look so lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is just beautiful."

The girl shook her head, and said, "No, Preacher, I don't think I'll ever wear this dress again."

Naturally, he couldn't imagine that response, so he said, "But you look so beautiful in that dress."

The little girl said, "Well, thank you, Preacher, but I will never wear this dress again."

The minister said, "Why do you say that?"

She rolled her eyes and said quite loudly, "Because my momma says it's such a pain to iron!"

* * *

One Sunday morning a small boy said to his pastor, "When I grow up I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," his pastor said. "But why?"

"Because my daddy said you're the poorest preacher we ever had."

A pastor was delivering a strong message on the evils of alcohol. Rather loudly he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd dump it in the river." Even louder he declared, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd dump it in the river." Finally he pounded the pulpit and ended his sermon by exclaiming, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd dump it in the river." The music director rose for the final hymn and said with a crooked grin, "Please turn to hymn 108, 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"

* * *

You might be a preacher if:

• You've been told to get a "real job."

• You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"

• You've been told, "No one could pay me enough to do your job."

• Others wished they only had to work one day a week for a whole week's pay.

• You've been told that you get a week's pay for only three hours of work. You work one hour on Sunday morning, one hour on Sunday night, and one hour on Wednesday night.

• You have a fishing boat named "Visitation."

• You win a door prize at the church banquet and people complain the contest was rigged.

• You name your bed "The Word."

• You've ever said, "I'm never going to be a preacher!"

• You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments, "We are paying you too much money!"

• You couldn't sell used cars.

• You're awakened in the middle of the night by a couple wanting to get married so you wake your wife and daughter to be "witnesses." You all get dressed for the ceremony. When it's over the groom asks, "How much do I owe you?" You jokingly reply, "Whatever you think she's worth." After a moment the groom puts a quarter in your hand and the couple leaves.

* * *

A pastor, just out of seminary, was invited to speak at a chapel service in a prison. He was excited but this being his first time, he was nervous as well. He thought about how he would introduce his message. When he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor stood behind the podium, he said, "Good morning. It's so good that you're all here!"

* * *

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment. "Look, we both know it's the best place for you now," the officer replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

* * *

When a brand-new pastor arrived at his first church, several of the "Great Old Saints" who had been waiting to die did just that. Consequently, in four weeks the pastor did eight funerals. Because he was so busy and exhausted, he did not have time to write his regular Sunday sermons—and so he used the sermon from the Sunday before three more times. When members of the congregation complained to the bishop, the bishop asked what the sermon was about. The members paused, scratching their heads. The bishop said, "He better use it one more time."

* * *

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his meal he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."

* * *

One preacher said, "My sermons are like chickens with their heads cut off. Once you think the sermon is done, it just jumps back up and runs in another direction!"

* * *

A rule of thumb for preachers: If after ten minutes you haven't struck oil, stop boring!

* * *

One Sunday a pastor announced to his congregation, "It's a beautiful day to worship. My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ... a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. We'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

* * *

A preacher stepped to the pulpit with an adhesive bandage on his chin. "I'm sorry about this," he said self-consciously. "I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon." Someone from the congregation replied, "Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?"

* * *

At a preacher's convention a pastor got up and started his sermon with this sentence: "I spent the best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife." As the congregation gasped he quickly said, "She was my mother!" The congregation chuckled and a young preacher tucked it into his memory to use with his own congregation. Back home he began to feel a bit uncertain that he remembered it right. Forging ahead anyway, he started with, "I spent the best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife." The congregation gasped and the preacher paused, forgetting the punch line. After a few nervous moments he stammered, "And I can't remember who she was!"

* * *

A seminary student was preaching his first sermon. He meant to say, "God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil." However, he was quite nervous and what he actually said was, "God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil."

* * *

A new seminary graduate, wanting to show off his intelligence, said to the older preacher, "In order to effectively instruct the masses, it is incumbent upon us that we, in a most articulate fashion, rightly disseminate the word of truth. In order to avoid the presence of psychological processing and theoretical reasoning, which only capitulates to philosophical conclusiveness and diminishes one's assiduous approach to the charismatic overview of the divine holy writ, which in the end, ultimately leads to spiritual interposition and characteristic nullification in the Christian life...." The older preacher replied, "In other words, if we don't go to Bible study, we'll be too smart to know how dumb we really are."

* * *

Why can't preachers get to sleep at night? They count lost sheep.

* * *

When the flight attendant asked the pastor why he was nervous, he replied, "The Bible says 'Lo, I am with you always.'"

* * *

A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterward.

During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice, "And where do you think those who live a pure, just, and good life before the Lord are going to go?"

The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"

* * *

After church one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I think I'll be a minister when I grow up."

"That's great, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

* * *

When a pastor became ill one Sunday morning, he called on a retired pastor in the congregation to fill in for him. The substitute agreed, but with some reservations since the regular pastor was well loved by the people. When the old preacher entered the pulpit, he grasped for an illustration that would convey his humility in the task.

"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like the piece of cardboard that has been substituted for the pane in the window."

He went on to preach a decent sermon. At the door afterward a well-meaning lady grasped his hand. "Preacher, you're no cardboard. You're a real pane."

* * *

The minister was waiting up for his teenaged daughter who was out far past her curfew. When she finally came home around 3:00 a.m. he bellowed, "Good morning, child of the devil!"

The girl answered respectfully, "Good morning, Father."

* * *

A pastor was riding his horse down the road one day when one of the members of the congregation spotted him. "Preacher, do you realize your horse looks better than you do?" the person said.

"Yes, I know," he said. "I take care of my horse. My congregation takes care of me."

* * *

A preacher died. Shortly thereafter a man with the same name went on a business trip to a southern state. He sent a telegram to his wife, but it was delivered to the preacher's wife by mistake. It said, "Arrived safely. Sure is hot here!"

* * *

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, though it was obvious that someone was home, nobody came to the door, even after the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. (The verse says: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.") At the next service the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message the church member left a message of his own: "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself"—Genesis 3:10.

* * *

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message, only to return just before the conclusion of the service. The pastor was curious about where the man had been, so he asked him.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"Why didn't you do that before the service?" the pastor asked.

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

* * *

A pastor was walking down the street one day when he noticed a small boy across the street struggling to ring a doorbell.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the pastor walked across the street and placed his hand kindly on the child's shoulder before leaning over to give the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"


(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Big Book of Church Jokes by Len Jones, Dennis Daniel. Copyright © 2009 Barbour Publishing, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction,
Pastors,
Deacons,
Missionaries,
In the Pews,
Sunday School,
The Sacraments,
The Spiritual Gifts,
Tithes and Offerings,
Buildings and Grounds,
Around Town,
Working Together,
Old-Time Church,
Country Church,
Visitors,
Signs and Bulletins,
From the Bible,
Weddings,
Funerals,
The End of the World,
Heaven,

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