10/25/2021
In this wickedly funny riff on King David's Book of Psalms, Emmy-winning comedy writer Javerbaum (The Last Testament)—also known as God (@TheTweetOfGod) on Twitter—channels the Trinity to spread the Lord shepherd's good word to humanity to "go flock yourselves." God doesn't answer prayers because, as he bemoans, the vast majority of the people offering them don't know what the hell they're doing. With the human race fast approaching extinction, Jesus advises with the desperation of a car salesman, "Don't delay, heathens: Cash in on this amazing opportunity to ensure yourself eternal life by believing in me today. Act now!" Elsewhere, God offers a rapid-fire debunking of conspiracy theories—"Oswald acted alone; the moon landing was real; Kurt Cobain killed himself; vaccinations don't cause autism"—conceding that "for a true conspiracy theorist even a disavowal from God Himself is insufficient." Readers who haven't injured themselves laughing will be relieved to hear that doggie heaven is real, though it "doubles as mailman hell." In his final "pslam," God reiterates to his followers why he's so angry: "You're hurting one another; you're choosing terrible people to lead you; you're destroying the planet... you're just a bunch of assholes." No sacred cow goes untipped in this sidesplitting work. (Dec.)
