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Overview
The Chicago Cubs tradition is one built on spectacular losing streaks and even more spectacular collapses. Yet despite all the losses and disappointments, an amazing thing happens every summer at the corner of Addison and Sheffield: millions of fans flock to Wrigley Field and millions more fans across the country regularly tune in to watch Cubs games broadcast on television. Exactly why Cubs fans support their squad with such reckless abandon isn’t entirely clear—these people represent a remarkable aberration of human psychology, epitomizing the spirit and experience of dedication to a desperate cause. And the whole time, they’re oddly happy. The Cubs Fan’s Guide to Happiness reveals what makes Cubs fans tick and what keeps them happy. It explains why it’s not over until you’re mathematically eliminated, why winning really isn’t everything, and why it’s perfectly acceptable to blame all your trouble on a scapegoat—which may or may not be an actual goat. The fully revised edition also provides educational sidebars, practical applications, and true words of wisdom from celebrity Cubs fans as well as surviving the planned renovations to the product on the field and Wrigley Field itself.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781623688769 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Triumph Books |
| Publication date: | 04/01/2014 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 224 |
| File size: | 3 MB |
About the Author
George Ellis is the cofounder of the Heckler, a satirical Chicago sports publication. Originally focused on the Cubs, the Heckler expanded to cover all Chicago sports in 2006. He lives in Austin, Texas.
Read an Excerpt
The Cubs Fan's Guide to Happiness
By George Ellis, Vito Sabsay
Triumph Books
Copyright © 2014 George EllisAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-62368-876-9
CHAPTER 1
There's Always Next Year (TANY)
Or next week. Or next whatever. That's the beauty of having the Cubs fan mentality. What happened last time around has no bearing on what could happen in the future. It's like waking up every day with a completely new start. No matter how horrible today was, tomorrow is sure to be better. Take love, for instance. Maybe you've never had a meaningful relationship in your entire life. Conventional wisdom says you probably won't have one next year, either. Screw conventional wisdom. Let's not forget that this is the kind of wisdom that said man couldn't go to the moon and dogs couldn't talk. One of those things has already occurred, which means it's just a matter of time before Butch can ask you about your day when you get home from work.
Unlike conventional wisdom, Cubs wisdom says anything is possible. Sure, the Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series title since 1908. And yes, that's more than a century. But instead of focusing on the annual letdown, Cubs fans look to next season to find solace. If they ever actually dwelled on the drought between championships, they'd probably jump off a Wrigleyville rooftop with notes that have the words "I give up" scrawled on them attached to their shirts.
Cubs fans have come to depend on TANY, and never was this more evident than in November 2003. The Cubs were just weeks removed from the most agonizing collapse in team history — which is saying something, considering this team's history — having blown a 3–1 National League Championship Series lead to the Florida Marlins. The turning point of the series came in the eighth inning of Game 6, when infamous Cubs fan Steve Bartman interfered with left fielder Moises Alou, causing him to drop a foul pop off the bat of Marlins second baseman Luis Castillo. Whether the ball was actually catchable will never be known (replays suggested it was), but one thing is clear: something happened when that baseball ricocheted off Bartman's outstretched hands. A shroud of silence rolled over Wrigley Field, and it seemed Cub Nation knew it was about to be left at the altar yet again.
Castillo ended up walking, and the dramatic shift in momentum sparked an eight-run Marlins rally from which the Cubs would never recover. The North Siders had entered the inning up 3–0, with their ace Mark Prior on the mound. By the time Castillo popped to second for the third and final out of the frame, the Cubs were down 8–3. After dropping Game 6, they were pounded 9–6 in Game 7. The Marlins went on to beat the New York Yankees in the World Series.
The Cubs went home.
What should have followed was mass suicide. Under brand-new manager Dusty Baker, the Chicago Cubs had come within five outs of the promised land, only to have their hopes dashed once more. The fragile hearts of Cubs fans had been pushed to the brink and then ground to a pulp. Immediately following the 2003 season there was plenty of the inevitable commiserating and talk of the big "what if," but that kind of defeatist thinking was gone by November, when TANY hit Wrigleyville like a 1960s Christian revival.
Suddenly, Next Year was going to be the one all over again. Every Cubs fan was sure of it. The 2003 team had collapsed in the playoffs because they were inexperienced. In 2004, with the same personnel, they would most certainly soar to their first pennant since 1945 and their first World Series victory since 1908. TANY didn't just make it possible, TANY made it inevitable. The spread of TANY grew so much over the winter that even Sports Illustrated picked the Cubs to win the World Series in 2004. Next Year was finally here.
Well.
It wasn't, of course.
The club didn't even make the playoffs in 2004. But that only underscores the amazing power of TANY. Any person in his or her right mind should have known the Cubs would not be successful in 2004 — that's what happened, after all — but TANY forced everyone to think differently, and it made for a more enjoyable season.
Likewise, just because you've been emotionally challenged every day of your life up until this morning, that doesn't mean things can't turn around. Tomorrow is a new day. And if you don't fall in love tomorrow, may I remind you of next week? Nobody knows what's going to happen a week from Tuesday, which means it's entirely possible love could happen. You could sit down on the bus next to the man or woman of your dreams. You just have to hope. What else are you going to hope for? Lonely nights? Sad holidays? Yeah, that's a great existence. Excuse you while you cry yourself to sleep on a huge pillow made of microwave dinner receipts.
In addition to nullifying past tragedies and providing for a hopeful tomorrow, TANY is a great excuse, so you should feel free to use it liberally in your everyday life. If you don't do a good job on your TPS Reports this year, just tell your boss they'll be accurate Next Year. When people ask why you live in a conversion van, simply remind them that life is a marathon, not a sprint. "There's Always Next Year," you could say. "I guarantee my home won't have wheels in 2015."
TANY can also help prepare you for the worst before it happens. In 2004 Cubs fans were already using TANY when the team was tied for the wildcard lead with just a week left in the season. The ballclub had been sliding precipitously, so instead of waiting for the Cubs to fall short of the playoffs, fans knew what to think: TANY. That way a playoff berth would have exceeded expectations, while a playoff miss (what actually happened) didn't hurt so bad. In short, TANY takes away the sting. But don't take a Cubs fan's word for it. Try it out yourself. This January, when you don't keep your New Year's resolution to drop 10 or 15 pounds, satiate yourself with a big éclair and a nice dose of TANY.
And it doesn't have to be TANY all the time. It could be TANJ, for when you lose your job to outsourcing. Or TANL, for when you need a liver transplant because you took chapter 2 of this book to heart.
Perhaps the most important aspect of this "next" philosophy is that it doesn't involve the "how" factor. If you tell a friend you're going to be a more attractive person Next Year, he or she may ask you exactly how you plan to achieve that. Who cares? The point is that you'll be more attractive, dammit. Cubs fans don't ask themselves how the team is going to assemble a World Series roster during the off-season. That would completely undermine TANY by creating doubts and concerns about the future. Besides, the "how" can be figured out later because Next Year is great for that, too.
CHAPTER 2If Not a Championship, Beer Will Make It Better!™
Historically, the Cubs haven't exactly built a reputation as huge spenders. Over the past century of futility, long-suffering fans often blamed this lack of financial investment for rosters that have routinely flirted with 100 losses per season.
Then, in the early 2000s, something changed. Suddenly, the Cubs regularly boasted one of the top payrolls in either league, including contracts like the $136 million whopper to Alfonso Soriano, the fifth-largest deal in major league history at the time. To many people around Chicago, the bigger, bolder payrolls were a sign of better things to come: wins, division championships, maybe even a World Series.
But better things don't always happen in Wrigleyville, a place where pennant dreams go to die. Indeed, as every Cubs fan knows, there's only one surefire way to make things better: drinking beer.
This seems like an obvious one, but too many Americans ignore the magic of beer. Whether they've turned to prescription drugs like Prozac and Oxycontin or simply prefer to wallow through their misery as sober fools, they're underestimating just how good you feel when you're drunk. Even a slight buzz can turn the biggest frown upside down. Just ask former Cub Todd Hundley.
A primary reason for the Cubs fan's fascination with beer is location. Chicago is a beer-drinking town, nestled in the heart of the Midwest. If ever there was a part of the country that could use a couple drinks to make things a little more interesting, it's a state like Illinois. Flat land can make you extremely thirsty. The same can be said for daily life in any of Chicago's suburbs, nice, boring places like Schaumburg and Naperville that have more shopping malls than residents per square mile. Of the 35 billion gallons of beer consumed annually in the world, roughly half of them are imbibed in the greater Chicago area, you gotta figure. In fact, it's not uncommon for some midwesterners to have a few Bud Lights before heading off to work, or if it is uncommon, it doesn't seem so. Chicago is a lot like Boston, if Boston could handle its liquor.
But why?
Why does Chicago love beer so much? Theories abound. One suggests it's much easier to handle the ridiculous Chicago climate under the influence of alcohol. If you're over the age of eight, you simply can't be sober and happy in 10-degree November weather. Luckily, beer has a way of warming up the extremities. Some people even believe that Chicago's fondness for alcohol can be traced back to the 1920s, right about the time the Cubs began finding themselves on the wrong side of a winning record with unfortunate regularity. This seems the most likely scenario.
No matter the reason, the bottom line is that Chicagoans from 79th and Phillips to Sheffield and Armitage all enjoy downing a few pints every four or five hours. With the swilling gene already in them, Cubs fans have taken beer drinking to epic proportions. Part of it is recreational (nothing says baseball like a $6 Old Style, except maybe a $7 Budweiser), but the majority of the boozing is therapeutic in nature. Cubs fans have discovered one of life's irrefutable truths: Beer Will Make It Better!™
It doesn't even matter what it is. Who worries about a three-run deficit in the bottom of the ninth inning when they've had 12 beers? It's enough to keep your eyes open at that point.
The following is what typically happens during a game at Wrigley Field. The opposing team scores more runs than the Chicago Cubs. This results in what baseball purists call "a loss." Losses can be depressing, especially if they are the kinds of losses the Cubs bring upon themselves. These involve mental errors, physical errors, blown saves, runners left in scoring position, strikeouts, missed signs, wild pitches, passed balls, double plays, injuries, managerial mistakes, poor relay throws, and awful base running. The cumulative effects of such blunders could ruin anyone's day. So why do Cubs fans always seem so happy after their team suffers yet another agonizing defeat? Booze.
There are approximately 1,924 pubs and taverns within a three-block radius of Wrigley Field, and each is stocked to the brim with ice-cold beer. From tallboys of domestic swill to Stella Artois on tap, Cubs fans have a myriad of options to lift their postgame spirits. It's pretty difficult to care about 1/162 of a season when you're sucking down the sweet nectar of the gods alongside a throng of cheerful yuppies — many of whom are scantily clad women you just know would be willing to go home with anyone with a pulse.
While beer might not be the long-term answer to all of life's problems, it's the perfect short-term solution to quite a few of them. This is not strictly a modern phenomenon. The ancient Egyptians, the first beer drinkers in recorded history, knew the benefits of a good brew. After all, nothing helps you unwind from a long day slaving at the pyramid like a nice, lukewarm jug of Tutankhamen's Best. The Egyptians also drank beer to make themselves feel better about not having cable television and proper plumbing. In medieval times, the French were known to get sauced on a regular basis, probably to make up for a lack of women who shaved their armpits. Many people in France drink for similar reasons today. Likewise, beer can help you deal with your own daily annoyances. Maybe you aren't happy with your job, your car, or your spouse. Not to worry. Beer will make them all better! Beer can turn your sad, rusty Chevy into a ... well, you won't be able to see the rust, anyway. And when was the last time you heard a drunk guy complain that his lady wasn't hot enough for him? Never. Just like beer makes a blown save acceptable, it makes an ugly girlfriend or wife acceptable, too. The opposite also holds true: any average, balding Joe can be as smooth as George Clooney if you look at him after 60 ounces of Heineken.
"But how can beer actually make my life better?" is what you're probably thinking.
Technically, it can't. It simply creates the illusion of betterness. And illusion is the foundation of every Cubs fan's approach to life.
So drink up. That's what they do in the bleachers.
CHAPTER 3Everybody Needs a Scapegoat (Or Even Just a Goat)
When the Chicago Cubs didn't make the 2004 playoffs because of a 2–7 record over the final nine games of the season, it wasn't the fault of Sammy Sosa, Kerry Wood, or even LaTroy Hawkins, the team's combustible closer. Nor was it because easygoing manager Dusty Baker failed to press the right buttons down the stretch.
According to Cubs fans, it was all because of a billy goat named Murphy. If you believe the legend, this smelly, lovable farm animal has been behind every Cubs collapse over the past six decades, causing blown saves, botched ground balls, and various other forms of North Side choking.
And did I mention that this goat's been dead for more than 50 years?
For all you non-Cubs fans who happen to be gleaning this book for valuable life lessons, here's the abbreviated story of what happened the last time the Chicago Cubs played in the World Series, from Wikipedia:
William "Billy Goat" Sianis, a Greek immigrant who owned a nearby tavern, had two $7.20 box seat tickets to Game 4 of the 1945 World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Detroit Tigers and decided to bring his pet goat, Murphy, with him. Sianis and the goat were allowed into Wrigley Field and even paraded about on the playing field before the game before ushers intervened. They were led off the field. After a heated argument, both Sianis and the goat were permitted to stay in the stadium, occupying the box seat for which he had tickets. However, before the game was over, Sianis and the goat were ejected from the stadium at the command of Cubs owner Philip Knight Wrigley due to the animal's objectionable odor. Sianis was outraged at the ejection and placed a curse upon the Cubs that they would never win another pennant or play in a World Series at Wrigley Field again (Sianis died in 1970). The Cubs lost Game 4 and eventually the 1945 World Series; worse yet, following a third-place finish in the National League in 1946, the Cubs would finish in the league's second division for the next 20 consecutive years, this streak finally ending in 1967, the year after Leo Durocher became the club's manager. Since that time, the cursed Cubs have not won a National League pennant or played in a World Series at Wrigley Field — the longest league championship drought in Major League Baseball history.
As interesting as that may be, most people don't really believe some Goat Curse is keeping the Chicago Cubs out of the fall classic. But we're not dealing with most people, are we? We're dealing with Cubs fans, the same folks who blame their team's 1969 collapse on a black cat and the 2003 downfall on an overzealous fan in the stands. Should you ask them to clarify either of those debacles, the diehard Cubs faithful would probably claim the goat was somehow behind both, haunting the franchise from the big petting zoo in the sky.
The point? It doesn't matter if the curse is plausible. All that matters is that Cubs fans are more than willing to believe in it, giving them the power to blame anything on a scapegoat. Which, in this case, just happens to be an actual goat.
You, too, can employ this tactic in your life. From your own shortcomings and mistakes to random acts of God, you'll soon be able to gloss over the real causes of your problems. The first step is to come up with a scapegoat. It can be a person, an inanimate object, or perhaps a memory from your childhood. In a perfect world, the scapegoat would somehow relate to the problem, but it's not always necessary. If baseball outcomes can be blamed on a dead billy goat, surely your troubles can be blamed on ... your overbearing boss.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Cubs Fan's Guide to Happiness by George Ellis, Vito Sabsay. Copyright © 2014 George Ellis. Excerpted by permission of Triumph Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Acknowledgments,Introduction,
A New Edition of This Book: Why???,
Chapter 1: There's Always Next Year (TANY),
Chapter 2: If Not a Championship, Beer Will Make It Better!™,
Chapter 3: Everybody Needs a Scapegoat (Or Even Just a Goat),
Chapter 4: It's Not Over until You're Mathematically Eliminated,
Chapter 5: Winning Really Isn't Everything,
Chapter 6: Loyaltiness Is Next to Godliness,
Chapter 7: At Least You're Not a Sox Fan,
Chapter 8: The Power of Low Expectations,
Chapter 9: To Boo or Not to Boo,
Chapter 10: Sabermetrics? No, Cubbiemetrics!,
Chapter 11: A Renovated Ballpark, A Renovated Future,
Conclusion: What Does All This Mean?,
Appendix A: 15 Habits of Highly Happy Cubs Fans,
Appendix B: A Century of Losing: 100+ Years, 100+ Frustrations,
Appendix C: Frequently Asked Questions,
Cubs Fan's Glossary,
About the Author,