The Everything Great Sex Book: From Sensuous to Sizzling, the Hottest Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Spicing Up Your Sex Life

Read an Excerpt

What Is Great Sex?

The term "great sex" means different things to different people. For some people, just being able to have any sex at all is considered "great." For others, to qualify as "great sex," it must transport the partners to a state of blissful oneness of body, mind, and spirit. For most people, great sex is any sex that brings a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment to the partners.
For purposes of this book, great sex is not just any sex at all; it is not what might be called "maintenance sex." Maintenance sex is what most people do most of the time when having sex-where partners perform sex more as a routine than as a conscious, intentional celebration of their love.

Maintenance Sex Versus Great Sex

Maintenance sex is entirely acceptable, but it is not to be confused with sex that is really great. Maintenance sex generally involves some degree of compromise-a step or two down from one's ideal. Perhaps only one partner is in the mood, and the other complies. One of the partners may be trying to appease the other. Or maybe, at times, one or both partners simply want to do the minimum to maintain their sense of being sexually connected. Or maybe partners are using sexual intercourse as a vehicle for staying "genitally fit" (since regular sex is known to enhance overall health).
By contrast, great sex is usually transformative and healing for the partners. Partners feel loved and cherished, and all seems right with the world. Great sex can help us transcend our separateness from one another. It is as if we both become part of something larger-a spiritual connection that puts us in touch with the oneness of all creation. Great sex does not happen automatically. But it can be learned. To have great sex requires knowledge, skill, patience, time…and practice!

Great sex will usually take more time than maintenance sex-the time spent staying in shape for it, the time spent preparing for it, and the time spent doing it.

Great Sex Is Also…

After having great sex, people often report that petty ego concerns and personality conflicts seem unimportant. Competitive ideas about feminine and masculine roles or responsibilities tend to fade. The stresses of "looking good," being in control, feeling separate, or being "on guard" disappear. Great sex involves honesty, trust, letting go, merging, and just "being".

Here are some of the things great sex is:

*Great sex is not so much about technique as it is about presence. The most technically skilled lover is nothing without an open, trusting presence and attention to one's partner. Learning new positions, techniques, and tricks is only a vehicle for experiencing each other's presence in new ways. *Great sex can help you relax and just enjoy life. When a sense of spontaneity, discovery, and play is brought to the bedroom, there is no need for judgment and control. *Great sex is a bonding experience. Sharing your vulnerability with your partner creates a special connection that can help you deal with the not-so-fun parts of the relationship. *Great sex is a type of intimate communication. It is one of the most important ways that you, as a human being, share who you are with each other. Sharing who you are (what you're feeling, thinking, and wanting) in exchange for your partner sharing who they are is a big part of great sex--simple, direct, open sharing of bodies, hearts, and minds. *Really great sex is like melting or dissolving into the Divine, that universal state of oneness--with the lover and the universe--that gets you in touch with the sacredness of life.

Why Can't Sex Be Simple?

Why all the fussing and fretting about sex? Why can't sex be simple? Well, it could be if it were not for the fact that the human mind tends to prefer to be in control of the human body. Most people have been taught to trust their minds and to ignore the messages from their bodies. All the major institutions of socialization--churches, schools, businesses, and even the family--teach you to control your impulses so you don't get into trouble or embarrass yourself or someone else.
As you get older, the mind begins to exert yet another type of control. You learn that it's not safe to do things that might offend or upset people. So you learn how to behave to get other peoples' approval. By the time you have your first adult sexual experience, the whole area of sexual relationships has gotten pretty complicated. You have learned numerous strategies for controlling yourself and for manipulating the opinions and feelings of others. This situation does not bode well for enjoying a lifetime of great sex. In spite of this early conditioning, the life force remains strong. It just needs to be encouraged, and it will bounce back like those punching bag dolls with weight at their base. This book can help you get back into harmony with your own essential nature and reclaim your own life force. With a little patience and practice, your sex life can be transformed from something mundane or problematical to something wonderful and fun.

Worry is one of the "common killers" of great sex. Humans worry about everything. Most of the time it is a futile exercise that keeps us from diving deeply into intimacy.