The Everything Parent's Guide To Positive Discipline: Professional Advice for Raising a Well-Behaved Child

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Is your child talking back? Refusing to do chores? Watching television and playing video games all day? You're not alone in your struggle to understand -- and control -- your strong-willed child!

The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline gives you all you need to cope with behavior issues, both large and small. Written by noted psychologist Dr. Carl E. Pickhardt, this authoritative, practical book provides you with professional advice on dealing with everything from ...

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The Everything Parent's Guide To Positive Discipline: Professional Advice for Raising a Well-Behaved Child

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Overview

Is your child talking back? Refusing to do chores? Watching television and playing video games all day? You're not alone in your struggle to understand -- and control -- your strong-willed child!

The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline gives you all you need to cope with behavior issues, both large and small. Written by noted psychologist Dr. Carl E. Pickhardt, this authoritative, practical book provides you with professional advice on dealing with everything from getting your kids to do their homework to teaching them to respect their elders.

Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781580629782
  • Publisher: Adams Media Corporation
  • Publication date: 11/28/2003
  • Pages: 304
  • Product dimensions: 6.34 (w) x 8.94 (h) x 0.88 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 2

Why Discipline Is Hard to Give

It's difficult to offer instruction on how to dole out discipline because it requires patience to give, attention to receive, and practice to accomplish. You may sometimes find it easier to do something for a child rather than teach her to do it for herself. Careful instruction is an investment in your child's future. If you take the time to teach your child to tie her shoes now, you'll not only give her a skill and a sense of competence, but improve her self-sufficiency in the long run.

Making the Most of Discipline

Disciplining a child is a tough parenting skill to learn because neither you nor the child welcomes this negative focus in the relationship. As a parent, however, you know that every wrong your child commits is an opportunity to teach your child what is right. Thus, although you wish your child didn't draw on the bathroom mirror with your lipstick, you took this opportunity to teach her about the privacy of your belongings, where it was inappropriate to color, and how people must clean up when they make a mess.

Problems Can Alter a Parent's Outlook

Parents need to be on guard when a discipline problem arises-on guard against their own actions. When a child does wrong, a parent can also go wrong in response. Discipline problems can affect the way a parent behaves in a way that makes the situation worse, not better. A discipline problem can cause parents to:

*Develop a negative perception of the child: "He was born to make trouble." (No child is born to make trouble.)
*Make generalizations about the child instead of sticking to specifics: "She has no respect for what I say!" (The child was simply arguing about being disallowed a snack before supper.)
*Narrow their perception of the child: "All he ever does is wrong!" (The parent ignores all the child does right.)
*Take personally what is not personally meant: "Why is she tormenting me this way when I'm so tired?" (The child is too preoccupied with herself to consider the effect of her arguing on others.)
*Feel helpless and hopeless: "We've tried everything and nothing works!" (No parents have ever tried every management alternative; they have only grown tired and run out of the will to try anything else.)

If you become so fixated on the problem that your view of the child is negatively altered, get support. Ask a friend to help you list ten things that are going right in your child's life, and ten qualities in your child that you value. This exercise can help restore perspective.

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Table of Contents

Introduction xiii
Chapter 1 The Basics of Discipline 1
Positive versus Negative Discipline 1
How Discipline Affects Your Relationship 2
Instructional versus Correctional Responses 5
Understanding Instruction 6
Giving Correction 10
Principles of Correction 13
Chapter 2 The Difficulty of Disciplining 17
Your Attitude Matters 17
Guidance for the Future 18
Risking Resentment 20
Pressure to Be Perfect 22
Keeping Priorities in Order 23
Chapter 3 The Limits of Parental Control 25
Parental Influence in Perspective 25
Cooperation Required 28
To Change Your Child, Change Yourself 28
Getting out of Negative Cycles 29
Building Blocks of Cooperation 30
Attention Disorders 31
Discipline Through Medication 33
Chapter 4 The Principle of Consent 37
Working for Consent 37
Acknowledging Consent 38
Seeing the Big Picture 38
Compromising to Get Consent 39
Handling Frustration 41
The Power of Choice 45
Chapter 5 Communicating with Courtesy 49
Why Courtesy Matters 49
The Power of Discourtesy 50
The Discipline of Apologizing 51
The Discipline of Forgiveness 53
Communicating the Wrong Message 56
Adjusting for Growth Cycles 57
Chapter 6 Dealing with Differences 61
Multiple Children, Multiple Personalities 61
Not a Chip off the Old Block 63
Two Parents, Two Views 63
Giving Acceptance versus Making Demands 66
Different Genders 66
The Danger of "Good" and "Bad" 68
Chapter 7 Parental Authority 71
Why It's Important 71
The Dangers of Not Having Authority 72
Establishing Parental Authority 74
Authority That's Positive 75
Authority Styles 75
Ways You Communicate Authority 77
Chapter 8 Family Rules 81
Stemming from Worry 81
The Importance of Rules 83
A Form of Security 85
Two Kinds of Rules 86
Being Consistent 86
Being Inconsistent 87
The Power of Prohibition 87
Outside Influences 89
Chapter 9 Raising Responsible Children 95
Two Elements 95
Teaching Responsible Behavior 97
Teaching Responsibility 100
Teaching Two-Step Thinking 103
Readiness for Responsibility 105
The Choice/Consequence Connection 106
Casting off Responsibility 109
Counting Systems 110
Earning Systems 111
Chapter 10 Guidance: The First Factor 113
Good Parents Never Shut Up 113
The Power of Persuasion 115
Partnering with Your Child 118
Giving Feedback about Performance 119
Sharing about Yourself 121
The Power of a Good Talking-To 124
Chapter 11 Supervision: The Second Factor 127
Good Parents Never Give Up 127
The Power of Pursuit 128
The Power of Surveillance 130
Home Alone 133
The Messy Room 135
Resisting Schoolwork 137
Chapter 12 Punishment: The Third Factor 143
Good Parents Never Back Off 143
The Power of Enforcement 146
The Limits of Punishment 151
External and Natural Consequences 153
Isolation as Punishment 154
Deprivation as Punishment 155
Reparation as Punishment 158
The Negative Attention Trap 158
Chapter 13 Exchange Points: The Fourth Factor 161
Good Parents Get as Well as Give 162
The Power of Mutuality 163
Someone You Can Enjoy Living With 164
Predictable Behaviors in Parents 165
Taking Back the Initiative 165
Being Part of the Family 167
Chapter 14 The Only Child 169
Special Concerns 169
Parental Peer Pressure 171
Emotional Enmeshment 172
The Tyranny of Pleasing 174
The Expectation for Return 176
Unrealistic Standards of Performance 177
Falling Away in Adolescence 178
Chapter 15 Discipline Changes with Age 183
Early Childhood (Up to Age 3) 183
Late Childhood (Ages 4-8) 185
Transition into Adolescence (Ages 9-10) 186
Early and Midadolescence (Ages 9-15) 187
Late Adolescence (Ages 15-18) 189
Trial Independence (Ages 18-23) 191
Once a Parent, Always a Parent 192
Chapter 16 Disciplining the Teenager 193
The Hard "Half" of Parenting 193
Parenting the Teenager 194
The Problem of Hurry-Up Growth 195
Readjusting Expectations 196
The Four Stages of Adolescence 199
Substance Abuse 201
The Freedom Contract 207
Chapter 17 Early Adolescence (Ages 9-13) 211
Signs of Early Adolescence 211
Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem 213
Separation from Childhood 216
The Negative Attitude 219
Rebellion 221
Early Experimentation 224
Chapter 18 Midadolescence (Ages 13-15) 227
Your Adolescent's Worldview 227
Strains on the Relationship 230
The Shell of Self-Centeredness 231
Avoiding Responsibility 232
The Battle Against Authority 233
Communicating with Your Teen 235
The Power of Peers 236
Adolescent Lies 238
Chapter 19 Late Adolescence (Ages 15-18) 243
The Learning Curve of High School 244
Driving a Car 246
Holding a Part-Time Job 248
The Teen Social Scene 249
The Culture of Sex 251
Sexual Gaming 253
Romantic Relationships 255
Sex as a Rite of Passage 256
What to Say about Having Sex 256
Preparing for Independence 258
Trial Independence (Ages 18-23) 260
Chapter 20 Constructive Conflict 263
Why Conflict Is Necessary 264
The Nature of Conflict 265
The Dance of Conflict 266
Communication in Conflict 268
Tactics to Avoid 269
Rules for Family Conflict 273
Appendix A Helpful Web Sites 277
Appendix B Additional Resources 279
Index 281
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