The Forgiveness Solution: The Whole-Body RX for Finding True Happiness, Abundant Love, and Inner Peace
272
The Forgiveness Solution: The Whole-Body RX for Finding True Happiness, Abundant Love, and Inner Peace
272eBook
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Overview
The Forgiveness Solution is an interpersonal guide that will teach you to find joy and happiness in the journey of forgiveness. Rediscover who you are and transform into the best version of yourself through this simple yet profound process.
Unforgiveness includes grievances, judgments, and attack thoughts towards others, ourselves, and our circumstances. The Forgiveness Solution is an easy to learn, practical and integrative process whereby you learn to shift and release your perceptions, attitudes, images, energy, and distressing feelings (anger, guilt, hurt, shame, anxiety, panic, trauma, etc.) and simultaneously re-empower yourself by choosing and deciding to forgive.
Dr. Friedman introduces you to the new, highly effective healing techniques of Transformational Forgiveness and Energetic Forgiveness. Packed within this book are powerful exercises, tools, and techniques that show you exactly how to forgive rather than just talking about forgiveness.
The Forgiveness Solution shows you how to:
- Feel an authentic sense of peace and contentment
- Change your viewpoint of any situation
- Take control of your emotional response to the events happening around you
- Connect with your inner wellbeing and grow into the best version of yourself
“A comprehensive and powerful book that teaches hurt people to recover their center and let go of painful wounds and grievances.” —Dr. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good
“A wealth of forgiveness techniques and processes that skillfully blends science, spirituality, and clinical practice into a seamless garment of love, peace, strength, and resilience.” —Colin Tipping, author of Radical Forgiveness
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781609251000 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Mango Media |
| Publication date: | 01/01/2021 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 272 |
| Sales rank: | 931,896 |
| File size: | 4 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
The Forgiveness Solution
The Whole-Body Rx for Finding True Happiness, Abundant Love, and Inner Peace
By Philip Friedman
Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
Copyright © 2009 Philip FriedmanAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60925-100-0
CHAPTER 1
Where Are You Now? Some Basic Self-Assessments
"What could you want [that] forgiveness cannot give? Do you want peace? Forgiveness offers it. Do you want happiness (consider that forgiveness offers it), a quiet mind (could forgiveness offer that too), a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth and beauty that transcends the world? Do you want care (being cared after), safety, and the warmth of sure protection always? Do you want a quietness that cannot be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt, a deep abiding comfort, and a rest so perfect it can never be upset? All this forgiveness offers you and more."
—Robert Perry, Return to the Heart of God
"The end result of all 'unfair' pain and suffering is burning hurt and resentments. You have carried these resentments for years.... To heal from them, you must forgive the individuals involved. Until you are willing and able to forgive fully, you weigh down your soul with these prisoners."
—Caroline Myss, Entering the Castle
This and every chapter begins with a story. You will notice that I often provide no commentary for these stories. They are here to set the mood and offer hope. Let them just wash over you.
In his book The Code: Use the Laws of Manifestation to Achieve Your Highest Good, Tony Burroughs has Alan tell his forgiveness story:
When I first decided to serve others, I didn't realize that it also included forgiving them. I thought I would help them out by cleaning or running errands or doing whatever they wanted, but what I came to understand was that I could help them in other ways as well.
The instance that brought all this home to me was when I made an intention to help my aging mother. In 1998, I gave up my own apartment, moved in with my mom, and began to prepare her food, bathe her, and do all of the things necessary to make her last days as comfortable as possible. Up until then, I really hadn't made much of an effort to get close to her. She lived three states away, and we really didn't get along all that well anyway. In truth, there were long periods of time when we never spoke at all because I was still carrying a lot of anger toward her for things she'd done to me as a child. Mainly, I never understood how she could just stand by and let my father abuse me like he did.
But in the last few weeks of her life, as she lay in her deathbed with me sitting in the chair beside her, we began to talk about some of the things that we might not have otherwise spoken about. One particular evening after we finished eating and our barriers were lower than usual, I asked her why she let my dad beat me without ever coming to my rescue. Her answer showed me a side of her I never knew existed.
She explained that she was just as afraid of him as I was, that he beat her and threatened her too, and that he was always very careful not to let anyone else know about it. She was so sorry, she said, but at the time she was totally incapable of giving me the love I needed because she was in fear for her own safety.
She started to cry when she told me the details. I felt such compassion for her, laying there in her bed like that, waiting to die any day. But, most of all, I felt sorry because we'd never talked like this before. When her tears stopped, and as I was wiping them from her cheeks, she touched my arm with her frail hand and asked me to forgive her for not being a good mother. She said she really loved me, both then and now, and that it would mean a lot to her if I could find forgiveness in my heart for her.
I didn't move except to brush away the tears from my own eyes. Suddenly, a very emotional experience when I was a teenager came to mind. My mother was in a bad mood and had punished me for something I was innocent of. It was in that moment that I had decided, resolutely, to put her out of my life. Now, however, as I recalled that highly-charged event, I was able to see the unhappiness in her face that I didn't see before. I never knew she was that unhappy.
As my vision of the past receded, she looked up at me from her bed, our eyes met, and I told her that I forgave her, not just for that instance, but for everything uncaring she'd ever done to me. Then I leaned down to hug her, and as I did, it felt like a great weight was lifted from my chest. We both wept some more that night, and, after that, something shifted in me ... and in her. From then on, until the time she passed away, she was much calmer and at peace. The way I see it, our forgiveness healed us both.
—Alan Matousek, Birmingham, AL
Assessing Where You Are
I thought we would start with some good assessment exercises. These will help you determine where you are in the forgiveness process and where you are with a number of different issues related to forgiveness, such as happiness, wellbeing, and general life satisfaction. I don't advise skipping this chapter. The questionnaires here can offer you much insight into your life and frame of mind and will also help you later to measure your progress.
Please copy the checklists and scales so you can retake them as you wish.
Exercise Checklists
The following two checklists will give you a general sense of how forgiving you are. You may think you already know this, and you may be very surprised.
DISTRESS CHECKLIST
Next to each item, I would like you to put a number from 0 to 4: 4 indicates very much, 3 indicates a great deal, 2 indicates somewhat, 1 indicates a little bit, and 0 indicates not at all. In the past week, I experienced the following:
_____Overall Psychological Distress
_____Depression
_____Guilt
_____Anger and Resentment
_____Hostility
_____Vengeance
_____Vulnerability and Fear
_____Negative Attitudes and Beliefs
_____Anxiety in General
_____Death Anxiety
_____Ruminating (dwelling on things) and Obsessing
_____Interpersonal Sensitivity (e.g., your feelings being easily hurt)
_____Physical or Health Problems
_____Tendency toward Revenge
_____Tendency toward Avoidance
_____Distrust
_____Paranoia
_____Emotional Instability
_____Irritability
_____Trauma
Now add up the 20 numbers on this checklist to get your
Total Negative Score_____(the total score ranges from 0 to 80).
WELL-BEING CHECKLIST
Now try this one. Next to each of these items, put a number from 0 to 4: 4 indicates very much, 3 indicates a great deal, 2 indicates somewhat, 1 indicates a little bit, and 0 indicates not at all. In the past week, I experienced the following quality, feeling, or attitude:
_____Gratitude and Appreciation
_____Positive Quality of Life
_____Happiness
_____General Sense of Well-Being
_____Satisfaction with Life
_____Hope
_____Optimism
_____Positive Beliefs and Attitudes
_____Peace
_____Joy
_____Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
_____Warmth
_____Friendliness
_____Positive Mental Health
_____Sense of Meaning and Purpose in Life
_____Trust
_____Empathy
_____Love of Others
_____Love of Self
_____Attentiveness
Now add up the 20 numbers on this checklist to get your
Total Positive Score_____(the total score ranges from 0 to 80).
Now subtract your Total Negative Score from your Total Positive Score to get your
TOTAL SCORE_____(this score will range from -80 to 80).
The higher your score, the more likely you are a very forgiving person. The lower your score, the more likely it is that you are holding on to unforgiveness. As you know by now, being chronically unforgiving has a number of negative effects in our lives. The correlations are summarized in diagram 1.
Forgiving people tend to be much more optimistic, hopeful, and trusting and have high levels of self-worth and positive beliefs. Forgiving people are also much likelier to be warmer, friendlier, loving, peaceful, and joyful. They have a greater self-esteem and self-worth, are more empathetic, and have a greater sense of meaning and purpose in life.
On the other hand, people who are unforgiving are much more likely to experience emotional distress in general and, specifically, higher levels of depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, and resentment. They are also more likely to be hostile, vengeful, and vulnerable and to frequently ruminate and obsess over perceived hurts. Unforgiving people also have more physical symptoms, according to the scientific research, and are more interpersonally and emotionally sensitive than forgiving people.
You may experience all or some of these negative feelings and beliefs and some or all of the positive ones. Wherever you are is okay. We're just trying to identify your starting point. This says nothing about your character or whether you are a good person. It is so important not to judge yourself.
I encourage you to come back to these checklists and fill them out weekly or monthly to see where you are and how much progress you have made as we go through the exercises in the book together.
Subjective Happiness Scale (SHS)
This scale was developed by Sonya Lyubomirsky and is widely used by happiness researchers. For each of the following statements and/or questions, please circle the point on the scale that you feel is most appropriate in describing you.
An average score on the SHS questionnaire is 19 or 20. A low score is in the range of 12 to 15. A very low score is less than 12. A high score is in the range of 24 to 26. A very high score would be 27 or 28. The higher the number, the greater your overall happiness.
Lyubomirsky, S., and H. Lepper, "A Measure of Subjective Happiness: Preliminary Reliability and Construct Validation," Social Indicators Research 46, no. 2 (February, 1999): 137–155. Adapted slightly with kind permission from Springer Science+Business Media.
Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS)
This scale was developed by Ed Diener and his colleagues. It has been very widely used for many years by researchers in the field of subjective well-being. I recommend you take it weekly or at least every four or five weeks. My clients retake it every five weeks.
Please write down the number that most accurately reflects your opinions in the space next to each item.
_____ 1. In most ways my life is close to ideal.
_____ 2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
_____ 3. I am satisfied with my life.
_____ 4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
_____ 5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.
Add up the numbers from the five items to get your
Satisfaction with Life (SWLS) Total Score _____
Your score will be a gauge of your overall satisfaction: 31 to 35 is Extremely satisfied, 26 to 30 is Satisfied, 21 to 25 is Slightly satisfied, 20 is Neutral, 15 to 19 is Slightly dissatisfied, 10 to 14 is Dissatisfied, and 5 to 9 is Extremely dissatisfied. The higher the number, the greater the life satisfaction.
Diener, E., R. A. Emmons, R. J. Larsen, and S. Griffin, "The Satisfaction with Life Scale," Journal of Personality Assessment 49, no. 1 (1985): 71–75. Reproduced by permission of Taylor and Francis, LLC, www.taylorandfrancis.com.
The Gratitude Questionnaire (GQ6)
This scale was developed by Michael McCullough and Robert Emmons and their colleagues. Again, it is widely used by researchers in the field of subjective well-being, happiness, and positive psychology. I recommend retaking it weekly or at least every four or five weeks. My clients retake it every five weeks.
Using the scale below as a guide for questions 1 through 4, write a number beside each statement to indicate how much you agree with it.
_____ 1. I have so much in life to be thankful for.
_____ 2. If I had to list everything in life I had to be grateful for, it would be a very long list.
_____ 3. I am grateful for a wide variety of people.
_____ 4. As I get older, I find myself more able to appreciate the people, events, and situations that have been part of my life history.
Using the scale below as a guide for questions 5 and 6, write a number beside each statement to indicate how much you agree with it.
_____ 5. When I look at the world, I don't see much to be grateful for.
_____ 6. Long amounts of time go by before I feel grateful to something or someone.
Add up your scores for questions 1 through 6 to get your
Gratitude Questionnaire (GQ6) Total Score_____(this number should be between 6 and 42).
An average score for the GQ6 Scale is 37. A low score is 29 to 30. A very low score is below 29. A high score is 40 to 41. A very high score is 42. The higher the number, the more grateful you are. The lower the number, the less grateful you are.
Copyright 2002 by the American Psychological Association. McCullough, M. E., R. A. Emmons, and J. Tsang. "The Grateful Disposition: A Conceptual and Empirical Topography," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 82, no. 1 (2002): 112–127. Adapted with permission.
How Forgiving Are You?
The next questionnaire is very important because it measures how forgiving you are in general, not just how well you can forgive a particular person or yourself on one particular occasion. It is called the Heartland Forgiveness Scale and it was developed by Laura Thompson and her colleagues to help people discover how forgiving they are in three important areas: forgiving themselves, forgiving someone else, and forgiving uncontrollable circumstances.
Because I will be asking you to fill it out again later you will want to make a number of copies of it before filling it in.
You can also take the Heartland Forgiveness Scale on the Internet by going to www.forgivenesssolution.com. Click on the link for "questionnaires" and then on the link for the Heartland Forgiveness Scale. You will not only be able to fill out the Heartland Forgiveness Scale online but also have it scored automatically for you.
The Heartland Forgiveness Scale (HFS)
Directions: In the course of our lives, negative things may occur because of our own actions, the actions of others, or circumstances beyond our control. For some time after these events, we may have negative thoughts or feelings about ourselves, others, or the situation. Think about how you typically respond to such negative events.
On the line next to each of the following items, write the number (from the 7-point scale below) that best describes how you typically respond to the type of negative situation described. There are no right or wrong answers. Please be as open as possible in your answers.
_____ 1. Although I feel bad at first when I mess up, over time I can give myself some slack.
_____ 2. I hold grudges against myself for negative things I've done.
_____ 3. Learning from bad things that I've done helps me to get over them.
_____ 4. It is really hard for me to accept myself once I've messed up.
_____ 5. With time, I am understanding of myself for mistakes I've made.
_____ 6. I don't stop criticizing myself for negative things I've felt, thought, said, or done.
_____ 7. I continue to punish a person who has done something that I think is wrong.
_____ 8. With time, I am understanding of others for the mistakes they've made.
_____ 9. I continue to be hard on others who have hurt me.
_____ 10. Although others have hurt me in the past, I have eventually been able to see them as good people.
_____ 11. If others mistreat me, I continue to think badly of them.
_____ 12. When someone disappoints me, I can eventually move past it.
_____ 13. When things go wrong for reasons that can't be controlled, I get stuck in negative thoughts about it.
_____ 14. With time, I can be understanding of bad circumstances in my life.
_____ 15. If I am disappointed by uncontrollable circumstances in my life, I continue to think negatively about them.
_____ 16. I eventually make peace with bad situations in my life.
_____ 17. It's really hard for me to accept negative situations that aren't anybody's fault.
_____ 18. Eventually, I let go of negative thoughts about bad circumstances that are beyond anyone's control.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Forgiveness Solution by Philip Friedman. Copyright © 2009 Philip Friedman. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1. Where Are You Now? Some Basic Self-Assessments
CHAPTER 2. Identifying Who You Feel Has Harmed You
CHAPTER 3. Discovering What Hurts: One Core Problem (Unforgiveness) and
One Core Solution (Forgiveness)
CHAPTER 4. Choosing Love over Fear
CHAPTER 5. Seeing Beyond Judgment and Blame: The Path of Transformational
Forgiveness
CHAPTER 6. Discovering What You Don't Want and What You Do: The Process of
Setting Goals
CHAPTER 7. Knowing When to Let Go
CHAPTER 8. Making New Choices through Relaxation, Imagery, and Forgiveness
Afformations
CHAPTER 9. Energetic Forgiveness and Releasing: Positive Pressure Point
Techniques 1–4
CHAPTER 10. Energetic Forgiveness and Finding Peace: Positive Pressure
Point Techniques 5–8
CHAPTER 11. Four Powerful Forgiveness Imagery Techniques
CHAPTER 12. Practicing Forgiveness in Relationship Conflicts
CHAPTER 13. Reconnecting with Your Inner Treasure
CHAPTER 14. Transformational Forgiveness and Cutting the Energetic Cord
CHAPTER 15. Reconnecting with Your Divine Self
CHAPTER 16. Self-Assessment Revisited
CHAPTER 17. Twelve Frequently Asked Questions and Their Answers
CHAPTER 18. Review, Recommendations, and Returning Home
Notes
Recommended Reading
Forgiveness-Related Books
Energy Healing-Related Books
Professional Reading List
Recommended Resources
Acknowledgments
Related Subjects
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