The Gas Can

Infinity Publishing

Chapter One

LET'S GO TO THE BEACH!

A lot of people seem to like going to the beach? I don't. The beach is a dangerous, scary environment that I need to stay away from.

I can remember back to my younger days of going to the beach with my folks. All I remember was being miserable when we got home. Sunburned, sand in my crotch, and sticky all over from the salt water.

Not many cherished memories from the coast in my files.

The beach is the desert with water on one side. A whole lot of sand and no trees. An extremely bad situation for a fair skinned Irish fellow like myself. And why is that? No trees at the beach. No one ever plants trees on the beach? Man, I can't be the only one who would pay fifty bucks for a palm tree to give me some relief after an afternoon of hangin' at the shoreline.

Now, breaking down all the reasons why I think the beach is overrated.

First and foremost, sand. Walking on sand sucks. Unstable ground; can't get any traction. You can't wear any real footgear on the beach because it screws up your feet. Have to go barefoot. That's pretty risky due to you possibly stepping on a broken beer bottle that some transient left behind the night before, but hey, you do it anyway.

Okay, so you and the crew decide to go down to the beach on a nice July afternoon. You spend twenty minutes finding a parking spot and then have to walk three blocks to the end of the continental United States. You finally pick your spot amongst three hundred other drones and you set up camp. You pull out your beach towels, igloo coolers, and tanning gear and it's time to have fun! Gotta lay down the towels correctly, making sure all the while that you don't get any sand on them cause that will be a major irritant while you're trying to lay out to get some skin cancer.

Now it's time to hit the water! So, let's discuss the ocean.

Waves, tides, and sea life. Three major issues to deal with when dealing with the beach. Waves are fun I guess? Floating around in the ocean trying to catch a wave back in. I can deal with that. But what about that riptide moving you around out there? Better be a good swimmer, boy. And, better hope that wave isn't TOO big. There is no wave monitor out there. You could get in front of some big sucker that knocks you on your ass.

Now, all the while you're out there in the Pacific Ocean, thinking you're Mister Hawaii Five-O, what about the wildlife?

Okay, I know everyone will say sharks rarely come to the shore break. True. But once in a while they do. That's why you hear about freakin' shark attacks. Doesn't happen often but come on! Who's in control of the ocean? No one. There could be a whole group of sharks out there for anyone knows. No one is monitoring this activity.

Swimming in the ocean is very dangerous business. It isn't the freakin' YMCA pool. It's the goddamn Pacific Ocean. Anything's game.

Any place where people congregate to have "fun" that requires a LIFEGUARD, should be a place where I need not go.

If I'm there to have a good time, why does someone need to be on stand by in case my life somehow becomes in jeopardy? Doesn't seem like a very fun place to me.

Now, considering the sunburn factor, walking on the sand and possibly losing a toe to a Michelob bottle, the chance of drowning due to a large wave or undertow, or getting my leg taken by a great white, the beach is a pretty fun place....

Just make sure to bring a lot of beer cause it's gonna be a long day!

WAZZUP HOLMES!

You hear this from the so-called "gang culture" that's out there now. They always call each other Holmes? It's usually in the Mexican or black street gang culture. Not always though. Occasionally you will hear a white dude say it, but it's rare.

That's pretty generic if you ask me, calling each other Holmes? There is no individuality in the name. How do you differentiate to whom you're talking?

You can't call everyone by the same name. I think they need to get more creative and be more specialized. Hey, if I was running a gang, I would want to be organized. I would have a hierarchy of who's who in the zoo. Christ, you can't call everyone by the same name?

What if you're looking for a guy in your Gang and he didn't show up from the last drug deal or car-stealing escapade?

You can't ask the other members, "Hey, where's Holmes?" They won't know who the hell you're talking about! You've got to be more individualistic. I say get specialized and have a pecking order.

The first guy below you is Custom Holmes. He's the vice president. All the boys below him are a variation of the Holmes name.

The fastest one in the bunch, Mobile Holmes. The mechanic who's good with fixing stolen cars; Motor Holmes. Then you have the heroin partner, the druggie who's good with getting the dope, Track Holmes. The little dude in the group, Single Story Holmes. The tall guy, Two Story Holmes. The fat one, Duplex Holmes. Then you have Holmes Depot, he's the fellow who stores all the stolen goods.

Halfway Holmes, he's the loser who is always late for everything because he has to pick up his momma's baby from the free clinic. Condemned Holmes, he never bathes, always smells like the Tijuana river basin. Funeral Holmes: the hit man. Historical Holmes, he's the historian who knows everything about the L.A. riots. Better Holmes and Gardens: Weed guy! He's the pot cultivator. Battered Women Holmes. He's the humanitarian who always beats his mother, nice. Psychiatric Holmes. DON'T MESS WITH THIS PERSON.

And finally, Geriatric Holmes. He's the "O.G." Holmes!

Now, since we've established the "Holmes" gang, who are they gonna fight with? As most of you already know, a true street gang just doesn't hang out, drink beer, or tell jokes. They have drugs to sell, places to burglarize, and other gangs to mess up. They can't have some other group of assholes out there in their "hood" running the show. This is their ghetto damn it, and they will risk their life defending it if some others move in and try to take over their street corner or shit-hole apartment complex.

So let's say an inferior gang does move into the Holmes' turf. The "Blood Types." They are a small gang, only six members. Their pecking order begins at the top also, first being A positive. He's in charge. Below him is A negative, then B positive, B negative, O positive, then lastly, O negative.

I think the Blood Types are screwed if they square off with the Holmes'. There simply aren't enough blood types out there to beef up their pack.

If I started a gang, I would call it "100 Dickheads." I would be in charge of course and would be number 1 Dickhead. Everyone below me, 2 down to 100, would always remember their number because he wants to get up in the top ten or twenty to have some say so in what's going on. That would be the way to run a really solid, organized street gang. No fancy names, just numbers. The bigger dickhead you are, the lower your number. It would give the boys something to strive for which would create change, and change creates progress.

I might even implement profit sharing ...?

WILT CHAMBERLAIN

As much as I'm not into sports, I sometimes wish I was and played a little more basketball at recess. These guys get more women (supposedly) than in any other sport. Not even the Hollywood gurus can compete with these Romeos.

The late Wilt Chamberlain, in his book, A View from Above, claimed that he slept with approximately 20,000 women. What? 20,000 women? I don't think I've jerked off 20,000 times in my life. I think he's full of it. I actually calculated it and I think he's a liar. Plus, I don't trust anyone who says he had sex with that many women and his first name is Wilt. Wilt? Come on. I can't trust a guy who is named after something that hangs down ... Not a good name for the most renowned womanizer in sports history ...

If he slept with 20,000 girls, he could have sex with a different girl every day, EVERY DAY, since he was fifteen years old. There is no way. First of all, he didn't get into pro ball when he was fifteen, so that would up the ante to at least a girl and a fifth, on average, a day, when he was in his prime. And, you know he wasn't boning different girls everyday in the last few years of his life; Christ, he was in his early sixties....

Okay, let's say he did have sex with a different girl every other day. Jesus. That's still ten thousand women! That is freakin' impossible. No one, I mean NO one is that cool. And plus, where did he meet all these girls? Okay, I understand he's Wilt Chamberlain and all, but come on man! This would be like a full time job trying to accomplish this feat. And, not to mention putting up with all the bullshit.

Now, he claims to have had relations with 20,000 plus babes. So, let's give the scenario.

He meets a girl at the after the game party on Monday night. So, we'll give him the one every other day plan. Shit, by Friday he's done three girls already and it isn't even Saturday. Ok, Saturday rolls around and he's had sex with three girls since Monday. By now, the Monday and Wednesday girls will be calling him. You can't tell me he just humps these girls and doesn't give them some story about wanting to see them again. Maybe dinner, or promises to buy them something because he's got dough.

But hey, he can't put up with that! He's got one day off to recoup, and then Sunday rolls around.... ASS DAY! He has to find another gal to lay. He can't be putting up with some bimbo's bullshit, wanting to go to Morton's steakhouse. He's gotta find some hole to plug!

I don't think it is possible. I have enough trouble in my life with one woman. I can't work overtime with out getting my balls busted ...

I think Wilt Chamberlain is full of it ... There is no way that can be done. It's too much work.

And since we're talking about basketball and some of the NBA's big sex stars, what about Magic Johnson? Magic was at least a little more "believable" in discussing his escapades while being on the road and being in the limelight with the women. He never mentioned a number, but also claimed many a scandalous venture with the ladies in his book, My Life.

Poor Magic. I'd say his "pussy accomplishments" are more than over with now, don't you? I bet old Magic hasn't seen a piece of "strange" in more than ten years since he opened up about the AIDS thing ... I don't think the ladies would be so quick to "strip down" with this man. His Johnson isn't so magic anymore! He oughta change his name to Rotten Johnson ...

KILL YOUR TEACHER!

What is going on in school these days? In March 2004, two kids in southern California were caught outside of their school while preparing to assassinate one of their ninth grade teachers ...

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from The Gas Can by James J. O'Neill Copyright © 2005 by James J. O'Neill. Excerpted by permission.
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