Read an Excerpt
THE HAMPTONS DICTIONARY
By MILES JAFFE
THE DISINFORMATION COMPANYCopyright © 2008 Miles Jaffe
All rights reserved.
A-listn. A catalog of assholes.
accumulated wealthn. The definitive basis of self-esteem.
acquired incompetencen. The loss of ability to care for oneself or perform even the most rudimentary personal functions after adopting a lifestyle of dependence on BANANA PEELERS, maids, cooks, nannies, ESTATE MANAGERS, etc.
ad ragn. Any of dozens of landfill-clogging, advertising-driven free publications such as Dan's Papers or Hamptons Magazine that are delivered in superabundance to every real estate office, restaurant, antique shop and storefront. See doorstop.
additionn. An increase in the size of a house that is at least triple the area of the existing structure. What the original house looks like after expansive improvements have been completed.
affluentadj.1. Less than wealthy. 2. Having a net worth less than $10 million. A disparaging term used by the wealthy to denigrate the merely rich. See wealthy.
affluentialadj. Having influence based solely upon wealth.
affluenzan. A virulent malady characterized by a voracious, insatiable appetite and complete loss of bowel control. The reason Mcmansions have so many bathrooms. Also Wealth Disease. See consumption.
affordable housingn. A house in the Hamptons that is listed for sale for less than $1 million. See mobile home.
aggressionn. A primate behavior stimulated by over-consumption of resources and characterized by verbal or physical attacks on those perceived as competing for those resources, especially when those resources are in short supply. e.g., Reservations at Nick and Toni', bagels at Breadzilla, a parking space anywhere in the Hamptons during the SILLY SEASON, etc.
aggrichvationn. The aggravation of having to deal with the rich. aggrichvated —adj.
alarm systemn.1. A device for people who can't afford a caretaker. 2. The illusion of security, especially when installed in a Hamptons VACATION HOUSE that is rarely occupied. Also insecurity system.
alcofauxlic (al·co·fo'·lik) n. A person who pretends to have a drinking problem for the sole purpose of sucking up to wealthy celebrities at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Also psychophant.
Aldav. To be ignored or rudely dismissed while seeking an autograph. "Martha Stewart gave me an Alda."
ambulance chasern. A person who follows an ambulance for the purpose of beating traffic.
AMTAcronym.actress-model typen.1. One who makes a living based on their appearance.—adj.2. A woman with little intelligence and low morals. See blank chick.
anal bleachingn. The practice of bleaching the darker pigmentation of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes, often performed in conjunction with LABIALPLASTY.
Angri-lan.1. A weekend retreat for the never satisfied. 2. A vacation house or summer rental that is too expensive to enjoy. 3. The Hamptons during the summer, when tens of thousands of CIDIOTS and self-styled MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE aggressively compete for parking spaces, restaurant reservations, coffee at Starbucks, a copy of the Sunday New York Times, etc.
annuityn. Construction industry. A poorly built house that requires constant maintenance. See spec house.
anonymityn. The condition of being a multimillionaire in the Hamptons. When everybody is somebody, nobody is anybody. See Do you know who I am?
appliance garagen. A countertop storage area with roll up door designed to shelter indispensable small appliances such as a Miracle Pro Juice Extractor, Krampouz Electric Double Crêpe Maker, Impressa One-Touch Cappuccino System, etc.
architorturen.1. A Hamptons house tour. 2. The futile practice of trying to satisfy the neurotic fantasies of the nouveau riche. 3. A meeting, conducted loudly in a public place such as a restaurant, between a property owner and their architect or decorator, especially if using visual aids such as building plans and specifications. See talkitecture. 4. Any Mcmansion.
aristobratn. The insufferable offspring of a MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE. See bratitude.
aristocrapadj., n. Expensive, showy stuff, particularly if mass-produced. e.g., A Mcmansion, BMW or Range Rover, etc. See noisy jewelry.
aristocratn. One who manages, without any visible effort, to thoroughly exasperate others.
arriviste (ahr·re·veest') French. adj. Newly arrived to wealth or social position. See parvenu.
artistn. Any competent service person such as a house painter, automobile mechanic, floor refinisher, etc. See drain surgeon.
assfluentadj.1. Capable of dealing with people on the A-list. 2. Promiscuous.
assfluentialadj. Having influence based solely upon one's sexuality or family lineage.
assignationn.1. An unoccupied house, listed for rent or sale, that is used by real estate salespeople for sexual liaisons. assignate —v.2. Designate a place for a meeting between lovers.
assoholicadj. A chronic asshole.
asspirationn.1. The desire to acquire objects perceived to belong to the social class to which one aspires, such as a LAND YACHT or a Mcmansion in the Hamptons. 2. The desire to get into someone's pants.
ATMAcronym.Automatic Teller Machinen. A rich boyfriend.
au pairn.1. An attractive young woman working as a surrogate mother. See nanny. 2. Nice tits.
augustadj.1. Extreme, over the top. "The traffic is august out there" —n.2. The peak of the SILLY SEASON, when CIDIOTS, DAY TIPPERS, and WEEK-END WARRIORS reach critical mass, making it all but impossible to perform such routine tasks as grocery shopping, going to the Post Office, etc.
auto compensationn. The propensity of an expensive vehicle to expose the stupidity of its owner. A Range Rover window-deep in ocean surf; an exotic sports car that has been stopped by the police or abandoned in the middle of a muddy potato field. Also revenge effect.
avant-tarde (a'·vant tard') n.1. A pioneer of idiocy. 2. A follower of the latest fashion trends and styles. See fadget. —adj.3. Adorned or equipped with the latest cutting-edge style goods. [French avant (advance), Latin tardus (stupid)] Antonym avant-garde.
aw shucksn. An affected style of dress intended to demonstrate a modest lifestyle or limited economic means, invariably betrayed by a conspicuously worn 18 carat gold Rolex Oyster Perpetual or Chopard Tourbillion watch, one-half pound gold bracelet or other symbol of immodesty. e.g., A person wearing Lee overalls and driving a BMW 760. See stunting.
awvenue (aw'·ven·yoo) n.1. An estate of truly astounding expense, proportion or (rare) quality. 2. Part of a swank address. "We have a COTTAGE on Ocean Awvenue."
babysittern. A person specializing in customer service or customer relations, such as the maître d' in a trendy restaurant.
back roadsn. A convoluted route through formerly scenic and bucolic neighborhoods that is gridlocked due to its use as an alternate highway in a futile attempt to avoid traffic.
ballet of servicen. The perfectly timed and choreographed coordination of an extensive team of personal servants at a dinner party or other social function.
BANANAAcronym.Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anyonen. A person who has taken an extreme preservationist position in response to the destruction of the essence and character of their community from rampant commercial and residential overdevelopment.
banana peelern. A personal assistant.
barkscapingadj.1. Excessive use of wood mulch. —n.2. Spec house landscaping. See cheapscape. Antonym (see) instant forest.
barnaclen. An older man who hangs out in bars, restaurants or nightclubs frequented by young people.
basking sharkn.1. A woman fishing for a rich husband, often through an overt display of sexuality that is intended to provoke a feeding frenzy. 2. A lawyer on holiday.
bay licen. Jet skis. Also sea lice, lake lice.
bayfrontadj., n. Real estate located on a bay and subject to erosion and the incessant buzz of jet skis and motor cruisers. The second highest valued property type on the East End.
beach, then.1. The Hamptons. 2. The illusion of paradise. 3. An overcrowded, limited-access public recreation area that is often littered with debris. See landmines. 4.Obsolete. The reason for having a vacation house in the Hamptons.
beachedadj. Surfing. Stuffed to the gills with food.
beatern.1. A crappy car, such as a Range Rover or BMW, that is used specifically for basic transportation in order to protect the condition and value of one's nice car, such as a Bugatti Veyron, Koenigsegg CCX, Ferrari Enzo, Saleen Twin Turbo, Barrett-Jackson 1954 Oldsmobile F-88, etc. 2.Surfing. An often rusty, well-used and much loved vehicle that smells of salt and mold from regular exposure to wet, sandy surf gear.
beaveragen. Similar to cleaverage, but utilizing a different part of one's anatomy. Masculine.plumber's crack. See cleaverage.
bed hoppingn. The practice of availing oneself of any available bed in a share house, preferably one that is already occupied by a member of the opposite sex. See share house.
beggar's waltzn. An involuntary and often impromptu form of theater, performed on demand and often without rehearsal, usually in an effort to get paid for work that one has completed. See Jaffe's First Law.
bigadj. Vulgar. "Look at that big house."
big dogn. A person with a net worth of at least $100 million, a brand-name art collection and an interest in a socially acceptable cultural pursuit such as polo, collecting vintage race cars or maintaining a winery.
big housen.1. A Mcmansion or MEGACOTTAGE. 2. A prison.
billing by the pound See paper the file.
black bookn. A record, often maintained by restaurant staff, of people who have broken reservations without notice. Also black list. See reservation redundancy.
black Cardn.1. A black American Express Card, originally offered by invitation only to members who charged more than $250,000 per year on their existing platinum accounts. 2. A device that enables one to instantly get a table at any restaurant, no matter how overbooked. 3. One of the few blacks ever seen at Nick and Toni's or the Maidstone, Atlantic, Sebonack or Shinnecock Golf Clubs. Also Centurion Card.
black helicopter momentn. An overwhelming and fear inducing display of power. e.g., A real estate closing where the buyer pays for a multimillion dollar property with a personal check.
blank chickn.1. A pretty but stupid young woman who will do anything. 2. A fashion model. 3. A boy's toy. 4. Ego fodder. Masculine.blank Chuck.
blockbustern. A deal-breaking offer made on real estate that is already under contract for sale.
blood moneyn. Money earned through actual work, especially if it involves physical labor.
blue chippern. A person of substantial wealth who negotiates the purchase of even the least expensive items.
blue room See green room.
BMWAcronym.Bavarian Manure Wagon. Also Break My Window.
board certified specialistn.1. An ace carpenter. 2. A talented and experienced surfer.
boat peoplepl. n. Generally elderly DAY TRIPPERS who travel via ferry to Sag Harbor, commonly identified by their imitation marine apparel and a propensity for ice-cream cones.
boboAbbr.bourgeois bohemiann. A person who futilely attempts to combine 1960's idealism with the crass materialism of the 1980's. e.g., An Earth Day bumper sticker on a Hummer.
Bonac burger (bahn'·ack) n.1. A sandwich consisting of peanut butter and butter on a stale Kaiser roll. 2. A young girl. Also bubby burgerorchoker.
Bonac tonicn. Beer.
Bonackern.1. An often inbred native of East Hampton who can trace their local lineage back at least three generations. 2. One who was born on a kitchen table in Springs. 3. A hillbilly. See bubby. Origin: Name for early settlers of Acabonac Creek, East Hampton.
boob jobn.1. Something stupidly or poorly done. A job done by a boob.2. A rite of passage for young women aspiring to high society or a career in the porn industry.
boondogglen. Any construction project in the Hamptons. Conflation of boonies (the country) and dog (a bad investment). See Midas touch.
booty calln. A telephone call inadvertently made by sitting on one's cell phone.
boronn.1. One who talks incessantly about oneself. Conflation of boring and moron. boronic —adj.2. Relentlessly boring.
bottom feedern. A real estate shopper, speculator or developer who only makes LOWBALL offers on properties where the seller is believed to be desperate.
Boyziliann. The male version of Brazilian bikini waxing.
bozo explosionn. See freak show.
brand name droppingv. Attempting to impress others by casually but frequently mentioning the brand names of goods that one owns. brand name dropper —adj. See cost dropping.
bratituden. The attitude of people who have recently acquired money or children that have never known discipline. The seven-year-old boy at the former Hampton Day School who bragged to his classmates that his daddy could fire anyone who worked there.
Bridgehamptonn.1. The Hampton that connects East Hampton to Southampton. 2. A small hamlet on the East End of Long Island comprised exclusively of real estate offices, restaurants and antique stores. See hamlet. 3.Obsolete. A farming community known for potatoes.
Bridgehampton Botanical GardensEuphemism. Marders mega-nursery, where fully mature exotic foliage is available year round. See instant forest.
Bridgehamptonizationn. The transformation of a rural farming community through the teardown and replacement of indigenous architecture with colossal NEOCLASSICAL style spec and vacation houses and massive commercial developments. Origin: The North Fork of Long island, where residents are terrified that this will happen to their beautiful farms and villages. See there goes the neighborhood.
BriHa (bree'·hah) abbr. Verbal shorthand for Bridgehampton that effectively communicates a faddish yet feigned familiarity with the area. Often pronounced with extra emphasis on the first syllable in the same manner as the classic cinematic cowboy whoop "Yeee-Haa". "I'm going to BRIHA for the weekend!" See SoHa, EaHa.
brokeadj.1. Inadvertently without pocket cash or credit cards. e.g., Having forgotten one's wallet. See flat broke. broker —n.2. A person whose job is to expedite the parting of a fool and his money.
brownfieldn. A tract of previously developed or contaminated land; a premier site for development. e.g., The radium-contaminated Bulova factory in Sag Harbor, scheduled to be turned into luxury condominiums. Antonym (see) greenfield.
brownien.1. An utterly useless seasonal traffic control officer whose only authority is to issue parking tickets. 2. A police trainee.
bub, bubbyn.1.Translation from Bonac. Brother. "You ain't no bubby unless some bubby loves you."2. A native of East Hampton. 3.Obsolete. A native East Hampton fisherman or clam digger.
bungalown. A diminutive term for one's Mcmansion or POCKET ESTATE in the Hamptons. "We have a bungalow on the beach in East Hampton." Also cottage. See megacottage.
Excerpted from THE HAMPTONS DICTIONARY by MILES JAFFE. Copyright © 2008 Miles Jaffe. Excerpted by permission of THE DISINFORMATION COMPANY.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.