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The Hopelessly Partisan Guide to American Politics
An Irreverent Look at the Private Lives of Republicans and Democrats
By Ken Berwitz Barry Sinrod
Copyright © 2006
Ken Berwitz and Barry Sinrod
All right reserved.
Chapter One Media
The most accurate news comes from ...
Newspapers 22% 29% Magazines 3% 3% Radio 9% 10% Regular TV 20% 18% Cable TV 29% 26% Internet 17% 14%
Interesting stuff, no? We see that newspapers, which used to dominate when people were asked where the most accurate news comes from, have fallen back into the pack. Newspapers are still #1 (barely) among Democrats. But Republicans feel cable TV is more accurate and put newspapers in a virtual tie with regular TV, with the internet not far behind.
Now why would Republicans think that newspapers don't provide accurate news? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that The New York Times, Washington Post and Los Angeles Times (among others) operate as wholly owned subsidiaries of the DNC. The NY Times is the worst of the lot; they ought to rehire Jayson Blair for the boost he'll give to their credibility.
Democrats are surely the more intelligent of the species on earth. They can read! Red states have a total of 245 daily newspapers while Blue states have 3,875 (this is of course a Democratic estimate). Reading can also cause intelligence and give you the right to reread it again if you didn't understand the big words like ... liar, emperor, king, weapons of mass destruction and quotes from the only president never elected but SELECTED by the Supreme Court.
"You're doin' a great job, Brownie." "We have no evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with 9/11." "Military Operations in Iraq have ended." These are actual quotes! Is there a doubt that Republicans would not choose Cable TV,
Fox news ... which is made up ... I said, "made-up," of made-up news and slanted news and biased news delivered by made up blonde airheads and people who look pretty and/or have as much experience as Harriet Meiers or Brownie to call themselves Journalists? See Bill O'Reilly ... who has had many jobs before this one and never, ever, been a journalist, and oh, by the way, never leaves studio, never been in service, never been to Iraq, never, never, never.
AND how about the other brains at Fox starting at the top with the owner who just happened to be so anti-Democratic that he gets to tell his people what to say and when to say it. Sean Hannity is Armstrong Jones' adopted brother. Since he is everything but on the payroll of the Republicans, surely he could not be seen as a real journalist ... (see "camping out and reporting on Terri Schiavo from the front of a hospice where people are dying or are dead" Geraldo, "draw the map in the sand so that the enemy can see it" Rivera.) Republicans must continue watching so that they can soon see Rush in a perp walk from his druggist.
BULLETIN! Republicans release the news only after they have covered everything up. Cheney slipped and fell, Cheney went hunting with a toy gun, Cheney went hunting with an air rifle, Cheney went hunting with a scatter shot gun, Cheney went hunting with a BB gun, Cheney did shoot someone, but he cannot be interviewed for 24 hours, Cheney did shoot the man in his face, of course it was an accident.
I get most of my news from ...
Newspapers 16% 24% Magazines 0% 1% Radio 8% 10% Regular TV 25% 25% Cable TV 30% 20% Internet 21% 20%
Again, Democrats rely more on newspapers than Republicans (hey, it's more fun when they print your side of things). But this time they're tightly bunched with Regular TV, Cable TV and the internet.
Cable wins out for Republicans, probably because you can occasionally find someone to the right of Ramsey Clark there. It is followed by regular TV and the Internet. Newspapers? In fourth place at 16%.
One of the big surprises is that there is almost no difference between Republicans and Democrats in how many listen to the radio for news AND their view of its accuracy. Evidently many Republicans are among the millions and millions who listen to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, while many Democrats are among the dozens and dozens who listen to Al Franken and Randi Rhodes.
Can you say why Democrats rely on journalists? Those are the people who write for a living and win awards like Pulitzer and are recognized worldwide. Democrats understand that.
Democratic pollsters find that most Republicans have only one channel in this age of 500 channels, they only watch Fox. They think that Fox is the real news and don't know it is as real as the women on Wisteria Lane. Republicans also think Santa Claus and Superman are real and, as W says, "It's hard work."
Oh, my Republican friend, read the data. More Democrats listen to the radio than do the Republicans. When Rush is not on his regular drug run, he is in his underwear in West Palm Beach with his fifth wife making up stuff to infuriate everyone who does not agree with him.
As to my Democratic good buddies Al Franken and Randi Rhodes and Janeane Garofalo (West Wing), they started with one station a year and a half ago and they now have nearly 100 stations. Recently Republicans came up with still another way to stop you from hearing Democratic voices on radio. Several Air America stations have mysteriously been bought by "Christian right wingers" who then take Air America off the air. When Democratic stations, and we only have a few, are head to head with the Republicans ... we beat Hannity, O'Reilly and Limbaugh, we deal in FACTS and not BS.
Then and Now
When your parents were growing up, do you suspect they were more disobedient than you were, about the same, or less disobedient?
More Disobedient 18% 15% Same 44% 37% Less Disobedient 38% 48%
Hardly a surprise that Democrats think their parents would be less disobedient than they were. Go back a generation and you find people who supported what the USA did in it's national interest, respected the military and thought a victory was winning a war, not burning down a college building. Could anyone possibly think, for example, that Patrick Kennedy's parents were less disobedient than he was ... er, never mind ...
Democrats are right on with this question. In fact no matter what your age is NOW, whether you are 18, 28, 48 or 78, your parents had to be less disobedient which is a Republican word. Back in the old days, which is up until November 4, 2000, we could trust everyone in government and the presidency was something that everyone aspired to.
However, now we find out that the president lies, the vice-president lies and cheats and steals, the secretary of defense is seeking revenge for when he was younger. There is also more crime, less money to spend, homes that cost $500,000 in a slum neighborhood, $23 for a bottle of aspirin. Corporations cheat. Could you have imagined that someone would actually lie and cheat stockholders out of their retirement money?
None of this happened before 2000, except for the savings and loan scandals involving Jeb Bush, Marvin Bush, George W. Bush, George H. W. Bush, and granddaddy Bush, the senator who was pals with the Saudis and bin Ladens way back to the 1950s. Oops-we almost forgot brother Ned who practically has duel citizenship in the U.S. and the U.A.E. where he hangs out with the royal family and sells his software, which was funded by guess who?-the Saudis.
When your parents were growing up, do you suspect they were more willing to try new things than you were, about the same, or less willing?
More Willing 18% 11% Same 38% 37% Less Willing 45% 52%
Predictably, a majority of Democrats say they are more willing to try new things than their parents were. How many parents would have gone further than demanding partial birth abortions, legal flag burning and no mention of God anywhere in the country under pain of prosecution? Not many.
I've always wondered why some people think progress is a synonym for doing things which haven't been done before, regardless of their quality. While it is true that some of the best things are new and innovative, some of the worst are also.
If Democrats want progress, maybe they should think about getting their party past howlin' Howard Dean, Harry "the corpse" Reid and Hillary "who's in the audience, I want to know what positions I have today" Clinton.
HA! HA! Ha! Republicans are more than willing to try those great new ideas, like the microphone hidden in President Bush's jacket during the debates, so that he could hear Karl Rove give him the answers "Mr. President, keep on saying "It's hard work ... if you don't know the answer." Eavesdropping by pushing a button in his home is something Democrats don't have. Cheney and Rummy can simply do that from their bathrooms and listen in to what you are saying in your bathroom when talking to your Quaker grandmother in Des Moines while you are in Florida. Great new products that each spy should have.
The new Republican email reader is another great product that allows Republicans to find the great porno sites that Democrats easily find. Republicans cannot find them without spying on Democrats via illegal wiretaps. Wiretapping everyone in the U.S. is also something new that they have tried and successfully avoided admitting to it. And by the way it is illegal for the CIA or the FBI to do such a deed anywhere and specifically in the U.S.
Think of the event that changed your life most: Would other people have thought of it as a major or a minor event?
Major Event 75% 77% Minor Event 25% 23%
Don't you wonder what is meant by a major or minor Political event? I do, too. Based on recent years, it's likely that the major event Democrats are most often talking about is the day they found out that Clinton was lying about Monica Lewinsky (everyone else already knew). It enabled them to deflect any discussion about Clinton's many scandals by claiming it was "just about a blow job."
Do you think I'm kidding? Ask a Democrat anything about Clinton and that's what you'll hear. Why did he sell white house coffees and overnights in the Lincoln bedroom? "Ahh, you're just complaining because he got a blow job!" Why did he allow his pal Bernard Schwartz to sell satellite technology to China that could help them launch an attack against us? "If he didn't get a blow job you wouldn't care; it's just the blow job!" Why did he pardon terrorists on his way out at the end of the second term? "You're just envious that he got a blow job!" Why did he give terrorism a free pass for eight years and allow it to grow into the impossibly large multi-national monster president Bush is fighting today? "Blow job, blow job!"
Incidentally, Clinton's explanation of his relationship with Lewinsky was an amazing epiphany for this country. He said he "never had sexual relations with that woman ... Miss Lewinsky." Because of this remarkable claim, schoolchildren all over America now think that oral sex isn't sex. I wonder if they think it isn't oral either.
What a legacy. FDR gave us the new deal. Clinton gave us the nude kneel.
LET ME dispose of the Clinton event as a major event for REPUBLICANS. I am talking about the adults. 87% never knew what ORAL sex was, and when they found out, they couldn't believe it. Even the oversexed, hot tub "Tom DeLay" was quoted as saying "They put what where?" Democrats see this as a non-issue as 97% actually do the same thing every day. How quickly Republicans dismiss the WAR as a major event. We are at war now, duh, is that not an important event?
It was followed by many mini-important events such as the following administration statements; "We have no evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with 9/11," "Look at these pictures of the mobile vans and this vial of the plague, Iraq has so many WMDs they are going to kill us any day now." "We will go back to the UN to authorize force" ... Oops forgot to do that.
Oops no WMDs found, they must have hidden them in Tom DeLays toupee.
Hello, if you shot someone in the face with a rifle, do you think it would be a major event in your life, think you would be interviewed by police immediately?
If you are a Republican the answer is "No" and "No." Cheney shoots 78 yr old guy in the face and does not want to be interviewed for 24 hours. The latest major event for Democrats is that as soon as a Republican is disgraced such as Mr. Tenet and Mr. Hayden, they are immediately promoted and given a medal.
Do you use offensive language more, the same, or less than you did years ago?
More 10% 12% The Same 41% 44% Less 49% 44%
Basically, this says that Republicans grow up. You get a little older, wiser, a little more mature and you're less likely to visit four-letterville. But not if your heroes are Kanye West, Eminem and a bunch of Hollywood scriptwriters who can't get through two sentences without a half dozen base references to sexual and scatological functions.
I suspect that Democrats' reliance on profanity has a lot to do with the fact that they don't win national elections anymore. Let's face it: other than Clinton's win in 1996 (which was far more a personal victory than a party victory) what can Democrats say after election day other than "%#&^% it, we lost another !^#%$(% 'ing election. I feel like a piece of %#&^."
Attention: A Republican wrote the message above. Please ignore the fxxxx because he is an ignorant XkXXXXXX. Admittedly we do use offensive language more than Republicans except when having sex at which time Republicans are out of control. Our frustrations with the XXXXX morons who are XXXXX ruining this country is well XXXX warranted. In the past year we have learned new offensive words as well as complete sentences.
According to Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales, "do not ask, we will not answer," "torture is good," "FISA Court," CIA leaking is a myth," "Gay people will destroy our world, but we don't know how," "we are winning the war against terror," "so what if John Murtha served 35 years in the armed forces, so did Saddam," "Osama Who?"
Rank your preference for these five different types of movies, with a "1" being your favorite and a "5" being your least favorite.
Comedy 41% 38% Drama 18% 25% Action 27% 14% Horror 8% 14% Musical 6% 9%
Republicans are the people who like action; Democrats are the people who like drama and horror. Does that ever say it all??!!
Republicans have supported the liberation of Afghanistan and Iraq, of course. But beyond that, they are the party which has also floated a myriad number of other bold, often innovative actions including the contract with America points, a flat tax, school vouchers, social security overhaul, intelligent immigration reform, etc. Some of the ideas are good and some are bad. But all of them ARE ideas. Initiatives that both sides can debate and consider, that can be discussed, evaluated, revised and either implemented or dropped.
Excerpted from The Hopelessly Partisan Guide to American Politics by Ken Berwitz Barry Sinrod Copyright © 2006 by Ken Berwitz and Barry Sinrod. Excerpted by permission.
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