The Last Testament: A Memoir by God

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Overview

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, god has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era.

Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks ...

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Overview

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, god has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era.

Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.

As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award–winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft. For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith’s. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

But The Last Testament doesn’t just look back. It also offers God’s perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:

• Why he loves America

• What he listens for in a good prayer

• Which sports teams he really roots for

• Which celebrities are totally gay

Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It’s the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and “worshipers,” but to anyone who’s ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble

It was over lunch with His literary agent that God decided that he had been silent too long. In the centuries since the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the Koran, the Almighty Creator of the Universe has amassed a mammoth pile of holy additions, corrections, clarifications, and complaints about all things under the sun he created in Genesis. The Last Testament leaves no biblical stone unturned; from the previously unrevealed cause of the Tower of Babel (a zoning dispute) to what He really said to Noah before the Flood to the future careers of Justin Bieber, Sarah Palin, and Nikki Sixx. God also admits to a deity-sized people crush on the Mayans. By any standard, more fun than Revelations.

Publishers Weekly
The Almighty opens up in this blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. Ex-Daily Show writer Javerbaum (America: The Book) recounts God’s Creation of the Garden of Eden (it actually was Adam and Steve before the sex-change procedure); the presentation of the Mosaic Law to safeguard “the long-term neurosis of the Jewish people;” the ministry of Jesus, which a dubious God considers a masochistic performance piece by an overly sensitive middle Child; the founding of Islam, which Allah Himself is a bit scared of; and a mid-life dalliance with younger universes when He feels taken for granted by irreligious moderns. Along the way, God regales readers with gossip about what celebrities do when they think they’re alone, relationship advice—“Once thou hast Chosen someone, they are thine to tease, torment and disappoint forever”—and 300 signs of the apocalypse, including Sarah Palin’s presidential run. God cherishes one-liners—“my two favorite baseball teams are the Minnesota Twins and whoever is playing the Cubs”—but he’s also a complex, troubled Deity: vain, petulant, desperate for praise and burnt offerings, guiltily pensive in the after-wrath of unhinged smitings. Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations. Photos. (Nov.)
From the Publisher
“I want every Christian I know to have a copy of this book.”—NewAtheism.Blogspot.com

“No doubt the old rogue savors the irony that the most appreciative readers of his Last Testament are likely to be atheists. He might even have written it specially for them.”—The Atheist Conservative.com

“There's something pitch-perfect about the tone and tenor of The Last Testament . . . Readers from every religion will find things to laugh at and/or be offended by in this book.”January magazine

“An irreverent look at Judaism, Christianity and Islam, sparing no religion, or religious leaders, any barbs.”The Christian Post

“[David Javerbaum] takes ghost writing to new heights. . . . The entire book is written to provoke laughter. That isn’t a bad thing in a world where we take ourselves far too seriously, most of the time.”Ottawa Citizen

Library Journal
With a little help from comedy writer Javerbaum, God speaks out on everything that has happened since the creation of the universe, starting with Adam and Steve and working up to the next 93 Super Bowl winners. Obviously, He's aiming for big laughs; buy if you think this sounds entertaining.
Kirkus Reviews

A real publishing "get": With the assistance of former Daily Show head writer Javerbaum (co-author: Earth: The Book, 2010, etc.), the Author (of everything) answers age-old mysteries with some unaccustomed straight talk.

Though the media-savvy Creator proves to be a 21st-century deity, he reveals, in this tell-all memoir, that he took a century off since sinking the Titanic in 1912. Apparently, he was messing with other universes. Now He's back and funnier than His first rib tickler with Adam and Steve; for lo, Steve came before Eve! Revelations, of interest to Jews, Christians, Muslims, the Perpetually Confused and a few fans of stray gods, cover such earthly matters as food, sports, crusades, America and, ever popular, sex. Many ecclesiastical secrets are explained in chapter and verse marked by faith, piety and extreme silliness. The Author, CEO of a major enterprise, takes time from His busy schedule to present much Holy Shtick. Judging by the jacket photo, the Timeless One hasn't aged since the official portrait by Michelangelo. Certainly, there are, as in His prior books, some arid, less-than-hilarious passages, but his Self-given wit offers much mirth for heathens and other Americans. Before we come to the End (of Days and the memoir), the Author provides a big finish with boffo one-liners regarding eschatological matters. Warning: If this text doesn't meet sales expectations, there may be Hell to pay.

A heretic's theological guide, some of which may passeth the understanding of the Bible Belt faithful but, lo, still damned comical. Amen.

Janet Maslin
The Last Testament is fearless. At the risk of giving 100 percent guaranteed foolproof offense at times…[Javerbaum] has written a recklessly funny set of gags about all things religious and quite a few things secular too…Be prepared to drop it in horror now and then. But also expect to laugh…
—The New York Times
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781451640182
  • Publisher: Simon & Schuster
  • Publication date: 11/1/2011
  • Pages: 400
  • Product dimensions: 6.50 (w) x 9.20 (h) x 1.40 (d)

Meet the Author

God has been grabbing headlines ever since first creating the universe. Indeed, the multi-talented deity has been involved in the development of every single thing that has ever happened, including the Crusades, plate tectonics, and Seinfeld. His previous serious works as an author, The Old Testament, The New Testament, and The Koran, have sold an impressive 5 billion copies, with the first two in particular coming to be collectively regarded as something of a bible of their field.

David Javerbaum is a former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He is the coauthor of that show’s bestsellers, America: The Book and Earth: The Book, and author of the pregnancy parody What to Expect When You’re Expected.

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Read an Excerpt

PROLOGUE

1In the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.

2 For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.

3 So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;

4 Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.

5 So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking him why he wanted to see me, although I knew, and he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew; but lo, this is how the game is played.

6 And then, over a frisée aux lardons that they were not serving in heaven then, but they are now, he spoke unto me:

7 “O LORD our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking.

8 Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies;

9 They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones;

10 They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;

11 They can be found in every synagogue, church, mosque, and Comfort Inn in the world;

12 And most importantly, they have done for faith, and ethics, and morality, what The Bartender’s Bible hath done for bartending.

13 But lo, it has been nigh on 14 centuries since thy last book—”

14 “Forget not The Book of Mormon,” I interrupted.

15 “Thy last serious book,” he continued; “and now a pestilence has befallen our tribe; books go unread; bookstores go unpatronized; libraries remain Dork Central;

16 And while digitalization presents an opportunity, it is also a challenge; the paradigm is shifting; I don’t know if thou dost follow the trades, but content-wise—”

17“I follow everything!” I bellowed, using the reverb voice and thunder-rumbling sound that I am wont to employ on such occasions.

18 “Forgive me, LORD,” said Daniel; “I shall rend my garment and grovel in thy sight later.

19 I mean only to say, that if I were to approach major publishing houses with a proposal for God’s last testament, it would make a pretty strong pitch.”

20 “But of what shall it be composed?” I asked, pressing my fork into the poached egg, then idly watching its liberated amber yolk ooze seductively over the farm-fresh chicory.

21 “For I have already imparted all my wisdom, and bestowed all my law, and revealed all my truth;

22 And also I confess to being sore afraid, that I may not have another book in me”;

23 And at this I sighed, and turned away, and did earnestly wonder if I still “had it.”

24 And Daniel said, “Surely this is not the same confident, All-Powerful God who parted the Red Sea, and bore his son through a virgin mother, and . . . and . . . well, I’ve never read the Koran, but I’m sure thou didst some amazing things in there also.

25 Besides, the book I envision is not like unto those.

26 For in the book I envision, thou wouldst revisit thy greatest hits—the Old and New Testaments, and the Koran if thou insistest—but in a manner more in keeping with the modern custom;

27 Meaning, that thou shalt ‘open up’ about their events; and ‘share’ thy feelings; and ‘dish’ about the various public figures therein, thus creating a ‘telleth-all.’

28 (That’s not a bad title, by the way.)

29 Then thou shalt continue the tale by describing thy activities and where abouts over the past one thousand four hundred years; a period I suspect many of thy devotees have a few questions about.

30 And then thou shalt finish with a sneak peek into the future, with perhaps a brief glimpse of what lies in store for the end of the world; which, again, I think may be of some interest to thy hardcore fans.

31 But checketh it out, for here is the best part: Interspersed throughout shall be a series of short essays on matters of contemporary interest; such as natural disasters, and America, and celebrities, and regional athletic contests, and whatever other bits of frivolity thou conceivest;

32 The better to cater to the sensibilities of the modern reader, whose capacity for following unbroken written narrative hath dwindled to the size of a piece of Jonathan Franzen’s neck-stubble.

33 My point, G-Man”—and here Daniel reached across the table and grabbed the hem of my garment in a way few ten-percenters have ever done without an insta-smiting—

34 “Is that I love thee as a deity, and worship thee as an author; so I would have thee find new favor among men, by coming down off thy pedestal and humanizing thyself,

35 That thou might once again top the best-seller list, only this time in the modern era:

36 An era in which, I would remind thee, royalties can be properly accounted for.”

37 Then he fell silent; and long I pondered.

38 Yea, long I pondered; until slowly the ancient desire to spread my word among man that he may glorify me, began to stir in my spirit once more.

39 And the waiter came and separated Daniel’s check from mine; and Daniel picked up both checks; for he saw that that would be good.

© 2011 Bizzu LLC

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 36 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(16)

4 Star

(3)

3 Star

(4)

2 Star

(5)

1 Star

(8)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 36 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 2, 2012

    AMAZING!!!

    If you're looking for a good time and lots of laughter, this is the book for you. If you're an atheist like me (or just not sure what to believe) you'll have a blast.

    6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted November 29, 2011

    Soso book, not as good as The Way It Really Happened

    I read both books and like the original way better. In fact, I only read about half this one. It's now on top of my toilet, underneath The Way It Really Happened by God (which I read every time I'm sitting on the can). I might go back to this one one day, but the language got real annoying and the trying to be clever stuff seems kind of played at this point. Like if Friends were on today trying to use the same kind of humor. It just wouldn't work. Maybe if this was written in the 90's...

    4 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 8, 2011

    Sounds familiar...

    Anyone else find this similar (read: exactly like) "The Way It Really Happened By God"? Even the product descriptions seem like they were written by the same person. Is this just a re-edited, new-covered version with better marketing, or a completely different book by someone else? And if so, did we need another book by a foul-mouthed, opinionated Judeo-Christian God?

    3 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted October 11, 2011

    Verily, I could put it down not!

    As one who hath no connection whatsoever to this divinely-ordained testament of glory, I found it so mirthful it left Me ROTCL (rolling on the clouds laughing)! And the story of the Creation of the Universe, and the tragedy of Adam and Steve, were wondrous sagas of such epic majesty they did jerketh many a tear. Lo, it is hard to believe such high-quality testamenting costeth not a single shekel to acquire. But it certainly whets My infinite appetite for the full book, THE LAST TESTAMENT, which shall be released on November 1, and which was also in no way written by Me. In the meantime, I highly recommend this book. In fact, let Me rephrase that: THOU SHALT BUY THIS BOOK.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted December 17, 2011

    Funny!

    This is one of the funniest books I have read in years. Satire at it's best begins with the layout and continues through asides and footnotes. Be prepared to grab your friends, neighbors, mates and/or significant others and read passages outloud.

    Please also be aware that like any good satire this may offend some.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 15, 2011

    Absolutely hilarious

    The ratio is roughly one belly-laugh per page - excellent for the devout reader, the profane reader, and everyone in between. Highly recommended.

    2 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 9, 2013

    Sophie

    I kiss back ( fuq)

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 2, 2013

    Op

    Op op op oppa gangnam style..........

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 24, 2013

    Nex

    *walks in* so what exactly is this "party"?

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 9, 2013

    Dale

    (Yup) i kiss u and cup a bre.a.st

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted July 17, 2013

    The expression of God on the cover sold me. I was laughing befor

    The expression of God on the cover sold me. I was laughing before I started reading. It was pretty funny.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 31, 2013

    So so

    A one-joke riff with some smiles but not many.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 30, 2013

    Kova

    *shruggs* That's fine by me. I do not judge. Annnnnd, I won't tell. Hooe you have something yummeh to eat.... I'm starving!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 1, 2013

    Terrible

    Worst book ever!!!! Dont waste your time with this. And if it wasnt on my nook, i would burn the book. Terrible, just terrible...

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 24, 2013

    this is an amazing read! Check it out!

    this is an amazing read! Check it out!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 16, 2012

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 8, 2012

    Hmm

    Hmmm

    0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 14, 2011

    whats this?

    his

    0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted October 19, 2011

    totally funny

    good read. very short, I don't usually buy short stories but glad I bought this one.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 9, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

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