The Last Testament: A Memoir

The Last Testament: A Memoir

3.3 36
by God

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Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multitalented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety

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Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multitalented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era. Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is the ultimate celebrity autobiography.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“Presented as ‘A Memoir by God,’ the book comes divided into chapters and numbered verses like the Bible, if the Bible were narrated by Mel Brooks on crack-laced manna. It’s a bawdy circus of theological vaudeville—Shadrach, Meshach and To-bed-we-go!—determined to sacrifice every sacred cow on the altar of farce.”—Ron Charles, The Washington Post

The Last Testament is billed as a message from God as transcribed by David Javerbaum, the former head writer and executive producer of ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,’ whose specialty is chutzpah. With no apparent qualms Mr. Javerbaum steps into the infinitely big shoes of the Almighty to deliver a series of pronouncements, gags, parodies of Biblical passages and even a 12-step program envisioned from God’s point of view. . . . The Last Testament is fearless . . . a recklessly funny set of gags about all things religious and quite a few things secular too.”Janet Maslin, The New York Times

“I can’t be sure, but I think the famously blasphemous Mark Twain (who once said he didn’t want to go to heaven because he hated harp music) would have chuckled his way through Javerbaum’s book. Maybe even snorted. Because it’s very funny. Offensive to some, for sure, but very funny.”—A.J. Jacobs for The Globe & Mail

“A ‘memoir’ by God [The Last Testament] does what The Daily Show does so well—it satirizes religion by both taking it seriously and not taking it seriously at all, using humor to both point out the inconsistencies of the holiest texts and to describe God’s codependent relationship with celebrities.”—

“This book plays spin doctor for the Big Guy, in the form of a really new testament. Author David Javerbaum, formerly a writer and producer for 'The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,' brings that show’s arch snappiness to his task, laying out what God really had in mind . . . If you’re a churchgoer you might ask, well, isn’t this sacrilegious? In many places, decidedly so. And if the human temptation is to continually imagine God in our own image (face it, you think God agrees with your positions on abortion, taxes and political parties, don’t you?), The Last Testament does so with a vengeance, quoting a pop-culture-savvy Creator who despises Sarah Palin and holds reliably progressive social views. . . . People of faith should be glad when religious themes show up in popular discourse, even if it’s for a cheap joke. Better to be satirized than to be ignored. And, of course, the premise of 'The Daily Show' is in effect: Satire can be the best vehicle for truth.”Buffalo News

"Spit-take funny."The Jewish Daily Forward

“Oh, God . . . There are enough laughs here, not to mention a dazzling underlying knowledge of theology, to give plenty of props to Javerbaum.”Booklist (starred review)

“A blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. . . . Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations.”Publishers Weekly

“Damned comical. Amen.”Kirkus Reviews

"Absurdity reigns in The Last Testament. . . . A wickedly funny introduction to the opinions and modus operandi of God, 'King of the Universe.'"—

Publishers Weekly
The Almighty opens up in this blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. Ex-Daily Show writer Javerbaum (America: The Book) recounts God’s Creation of the Garden of Eden (it actually was Adam and Steve before the sex-change procedure); the presentation of the Mosaic Law to safeguard “the long-term neurosis of the Jewish people;” the ministry of Jesus, which a dubious God considers a masochistic performance piece by an overly sensitive middle Child; the founding of Islam, which Allah Himself is a bit scared of; and a mid-life dalliance with younger universes when He feels taken for granted by irreligious moderns. Along the way, God regales readers with gossip about what celebrities do when they think they’re alone, relationship advice—“Once thou hast Chosen someone, they are thine to tease, torment and disappoint forever”—and 300 signs of the apocalypse, including Sarah Palin’s presidential run. God cherishes one-liners—“my two favorite baseball teams are the Minnesota Twins and whoever is playing the Cubs”—but he’s also a complex, troubled Deity: vain, petulant, desperate for praise and burnt offerings, guiltily pensive in the after-wrath of unhinged smitings. Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations. Photos. (Nov.)
Library Journal
With a little help from comedy writer Javerbaum, God speaks out on everything that has happened since the creation of the universe, starting with Adam and Steve and working up to the next 93 Super Bowl winners. Obviously, He's aiming for big laughs; buy if you think this sounds entertaining.
Kirkus Reviews

A real publishing "get": With the assistance of former Daily Show head writer Javerbaum (co-author: Earth: The Book, 2010, etc.), the Author (of everything) answers age-old mysteries with some unaccustomed straight talk.

Though the media-savvy Creator proves to be a 21st-century deity, he reveals, in this tell-all memoir, that he took a century off since sinking the Titanic in 1912. Apparently, he was messing with other universes. Now He's back and funnier than His first rib tickler with Adam and Steve; for lo, Steve came before Eve! Revelations, of interest to Jews, Christians, Muslims, the Perpetually Confused and a few fans of stray gods, cover such earthly matters as food, sports, crusades, America and, ever popular, sex. Many ecclesiastical secrets are explained in chapter and verse marked by faith, piety and extreme silliness. The Author, CEO of a major enterprise, takes time from His busy schedule to present much Holy Shtick. Judging by the jacket photo, the Timeless One hasn't aged since the official portrait by Michelangelo. Certainly, there are, as in His prior books, some arid, less-than-hilarious passages, but his Self-given wit offers much mirth for heathens and other Americans. Before we come to the End (of Days and the memoir), the Author provides a big finish with boffo one-liners regarding eschatological matters. Warning: If this text doesn't meet sales expectations, there may be Hell to pay.

A heretic's theological guide, some of which may passeth the understanding of the Bible Belt faithful but, lo, still damned comical. Amen.

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Simon & Schuster
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6.10(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.20(d)

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1In the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.

2 For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.

3 So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;

4 Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.

5 So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking him why he wanted to see me, although I knew, and he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew; but lo, this is how the game is played.

6 And then, over a frisée aux lardons that they were not serving in heaven then, but they are now, he spoke unto me:

7 “O LORD our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking.

8 Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies;

9 They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones;

10 They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;

11 They can be found in every synagogue, church, mosque, and Comfort Inn in the world;

12 And most importantly, they have done for faith, and ethics, and morality, what The Bartender’s Bible hath done for bartending.

13 But lo, it has been nigh on 14 centuries since thy last book—”

14 “Forget not The Book of Mormon,” I interrupted.

15 “Thy last serious book,” he continued; “and now a pestilence has befallen our tribe; books go unread; bookstores go unpatronized; libraries remain Dork Central;

16 And while digitalization presents an opportunity, it is also a challenge; the paradigm is shifting; I don’t know if thou dost follow the trades, but content-wise—”

17“I follow everything!” I bellowed, using the reverb voice and thunder-rumbling sound that I am wont to employ on such occasions.

18 “Forgive me, LORD,” said Daniel; “I shall rend my garment and grovel in thy sight later.

19 I mean only to say, that if I were to approach major publishing houses with a proposal for God’s last testament, it would make a pretty strong pitch.”

20 “But of what shall it be composed?” I asked, pressing my fork into the poached egg, then idly watching its liberated amber yolk ooze seductively over the farm-fresh chicory.

21 “For I have already imparted all my wisdom, and bestowed all my law, and revealed all my truth;

22 And also I confess to being sore afraid, that I may not have another book in me”;

23 And at this I sighed, and turned away, and did earnestly wonder if I still “had it.”

24 And Daniel said, “Surely this is not the same confident, All-Powerful God who parted the Red Sea, and bore his son through a virgin mother, and . . . and . . . well, I’ve never read the Koran, but I’m sure thou didst some amazing things in there also.

25 Besides, the book I envision is not like unto those.

26 For in the book I envision, thou wouldst revisit thy greatest hits—the Old and New Testaments, and the Koran if thou insistest—but in a manner more in keeping with the modern custom;

27 Meaning, that thou shalt ‘open up’ about their events; and ‘share’ thy feelings; and ‘dish’ about the various public figures therein, thus creating a ‘telleth-all.’

28 (That’s not a bad title, by the way.)

29 Then thou shalt continue the tale by describing thy activities and where abouts over the past one thousand four hundred years; a period I suspect many of thy devotees have a few questions about.

30 And then thou shalt finish with a sneak peek into the future, with perhaps a brief glimpse of what lies in store for the end of the world; which, again, I think may be of some interest to thy hardcore fans.

31 But checketh it out, for here is the best part: Interspersed throughout shall be a series of short essays on matters of contemporary interest; such as natural disasters, and America, and celebrities, and regional athletic contests, and whatever other bits of frivolity thou conceivest;

32 The better to cater to the sensibilities of the modern reader, whose capacity for following unbroken written narrative hath dwindled to the size of a piece of Jonathan Franzen’s neck-stubble.

33 My point, G-Man”—and here Daniel reached across the table and grabbed the hem of my garment in a way few ten-percenters have ever done without an insta-smiting—

34 “Is that I love thee as a deity, and worship thee as an author; so I would have thee find new favor among men, by coming down off thy pedestal and humanizing thyself,

35 That thou might once again top the best-seller list, only this time in the modern era:

36 An era in which, I would remind thee, royalties can be properly accounted for.”

37 Then he fell silent; and long I pondered.

38 Yea, long I pondered; until slowly the ancient desire to spread my word among man that he may glorify me, began to stir in my spirit once more.

39 And the waiter came and separated Daniel’s check from mine; and Daniel picked up both checks; for he saw that that would be good.

© 2011 Bizzu LLC

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