Read an Excerpt
Chapter One
One Question—Really?
Yes, just one question can change the direction of your life for a moment, a while, or a lifetime. The world today is filled with magic pills for losing weight, minimizing joint pain, sleeping better, feeling calmer, having more energy, and everything in between. In fact, you can probably find a pill for almost any ailment.
What if I told you one thing you could do that would help solve so many of your health problems? Just doing this one thing would help you feel better in every area of your life. It could be life-changing. This one thing could lower your blood pressure, improve your heart conditions, reduce your stress, improve your cognitive function, provide better coping skills, enhance your self-esteem, give you greater resilience, improve your happiness, and make you live longer. I’d say, “Sign me up!” Wouldn’t you?
Parking at Home Depot can be difficult. Sue and Jim were waiting for a woman to park her car in the pickup area so they could get to a parking spot. Struggling, she kept backing up and pulling forward. Jim was frustrated waiting for her to figure it out. Finally, Sue went over to the woman’s car. The woman rolled her window down and Sue said, “Hi, would you like me to help guide you?” The woman replied, “That would be so wonderful. I’ve been going through chemotherapy and my brain is a mess. I’d appreciate that.” What a gift for all the parties involved. Instead of a frustrating encounter and no connection, the three people felt so good about their encounter. How lucky that Sue got out to ask if she could help.
Jane had her car filled up at the local gas station in town. She would often have the young, shy boy with pimples on his face who worked at the station pump the gas. Each time, she would work to begin a conversation. She had kids and knew puberty was such a difficult time. One day, she asked about the dog that sat in the office every time she was there. Another day, she asked if he was in school and learned that it was his family’s station that he planned to take over when his uncle and father retired. Over time, she became acquainted with Chris. She would go in for an oil change or a tire rotation and catch up. It was a pleasant connection and Chris felt seen. Each time she went, she and Chris would have a great talk. Fifteen years later, Jane still goes to the same station and Chris is now a confident, grown man, but they have a connection that makes them each smile when they see each other and it all started with a question about the dog.
Hannah lost her husband. She had lots of friends and a support system, but she still felt lonely. She began to go to her local library to check out books and one day asked the librarian for a suggestion for a good fiction book. Yes, she had a long list of books from multiple sources, and she could have gone in and picked one up off the shelf and done the self-checkout without speaking to anyone. She had this option but chose to connect with someone even though it wasn’t necessary. This day she decided to ask a question that would start a conversation. After she read the book that the librarian had recommended, Hannah would return her book and talk with the librarian about how she liked the book and what she planned to read next. Over time, the two women became friends. It turns out that the librarian was a widow as well. They are now friends who share lunch and other outings together and it all started because Hannah asked a question and made an effort to connect.
These stories show you how easy it is in your everyday life to connect by using a question. Why is it so important to connect? Connection leads to happiness, health, and a longer life. So many lonely people are in the world—in fact, loneliness is at epic levels right now. Scientists contend that if you work toward connecting with everyone you see every day, you will be happier. Using a question to make that happen is easy and can be practiced. If you work toward talking with everyone you see, it will get easier, and you’ll be happier.
Relationships Lead to Longer, Happier Lives
Here’s my theory. If happiness is the ultimate currency and the number one thing everyone strives for, and relationships provide more happiness than success, money, and material things, then pursuing relationships in every aspect of your life should be everyone’s goal. My theory is that asking one question can lead to a better relationship with everyone you encounter.
And I’m not the only one who believes happiness is achieved through your relationships. In the last year, three different studies have come out supporting this idea. One from Ohio State University, one from the University of Southern California, and a long-term study from Harvard University. In each one, they conclude that relationships lead to longer, happier lives.
In his book The Gift of Influence, Tommy Spalding says that over the course of our lives, we each will influence 80,000 people for better or worse. He talks about being in an imagined football stadium with all the people that you’ve encountered over the course of your life and wondering whether they will be cheering for you or throwing tomatoes. He contends that how you deal with everyone you meet makes a difference in those people’s lives and, importantly, in yours too.
I, too, believe strongly that having some kind of relationship and connecting in some way with the people that you see every day from the coffee barista to the gas station attendant to the grocery store checkout person, and everyone in between, will make you happier. Learning how to ask everyone you see, over the course of your day, a connection question will give you more happiness in your life. Questions can begin and improve your relationships, wellness, happiness, and possibly change the overall course of your life.
You’d be surprised how one moment of connection can add to your happiness and the fulfillment you experience in your life. Another benefit that has been proven is that connections can have amazing health benefits. Studies have shown that connecting with people and having a support system in your life lowers inflammation. Connecting with people is a health process that should be as important as lifting weights and doing aerobic exercise.
In his book Outlive, Peter Attia states, “Feeling connected and having healthy relationships is as imperative as maintaining efficient glucose metabolism or an optimal lipoprotein level.” Attia believes that connecting with people should be a priority in your life, given the health benefits. Asking a single question of each person you encounter can lead to that connection.
David Brooks talks about being a diminisher or an illuminator in his new book, How to Know a Person. “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”
Brooks believes that your approach to people can diminish them or illuminate them and that stems from whether you are a diminisher or an illuminator. If you ask questions about the other person, from how they are that day to how they are in life, you’ll be more connected. Ask about a person’s life story or how they came to believe what they believe. When you are an illuminator, you listen. You allow the other person to share their stories, concerns, and beliefs. Asking questions of someone and listening to them so they know they are heard is a gift.
Brooks tells the story of a woman who goes to a dinner party and sits next to an important person. She comes home and tells her husband, “Oh my gosh, he is the smartest, most interesting guy I’ve ever met.” The next weekend she sits next to an equally important person, but she comes home and says to her husband, “Oh my gosh, I’m the most interesting and important person—at least, that’s how he made me feel.” You can imagine that she did nothing but ask the first dinner mate questions about himself. But it was the second dinner mate who made her feel amazing by asking her questions and listening to her.
I ask you, is the first dinner party tablemate or the second dinner party tablemate connecting in a better way? Brooks would contend that the one who leaves you thinking you’re the most important, interesting person in the world is the one with the real power. One question can lead to that connection. Maya Angelou said people won’t remember what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel. When you ask people about their lives, you make them feel seen and important.
Most of us have something we want to change in our lives, whether a career, a relationship, or an outcome. What if one question could affect that change? The question is there; you just need to know what it is and how to ask it. Most people’s lives have already been changed by one question. Whether you know it or not, a question you’ve already asked has changed your life. What was that question? How did it change your life? You may have to do some serious thinking to figure it out, but I’ll bet you will come up with several inflection points in your life that were resolved, or forward movement was gained with a question.
What change do you want now? In this book, you will read the stories of people whose lives have been changed by one question. Some of the stories are from famous people, but most are from the average person. Some of the stories are fantastical and some are simple in nature, but all these stories hinged on one thing—a question was asked.
This book will change your life by leading you to the right question, helping you know how to ask it and who to ask. It may be something so simple. I remember a story I read a while back in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. It was about a high school freshman named Ted walking home from school. He saw a classmate named Kyle walking home ahead of him, carrying a bunch of books. Just then a group of upperclassmen ran by and bumped him over sending his books flying. Ted ran over and asked, “Are you okay?” He helped him pick up his books and that simple question led to a great friendship over the next four years.
Kyle was asked to speak at graduation, and he ended his speech by thanking his teachers, his parents, and mostly his friends. He said he remembered walking home from school his freshman year with plans to kill himself. He had emptied his locker so his mom wouldn’t have to pick up his books. When Ted stopped to help him and ask him if he was okay, that changed his mind. He took all his books back to his locker the next day, knowing he had a friend at the school.
Asking a question may not save a life, but it can certainly make you and the other person healthier and happier, maybe only for a moment or maybe a lifetime. Making connections by asking questions and maintaining a healthy social life can significantly impact your overall well-being.
In her book The Art and Science of Connection, Kasley Killam talks about the three pillars of health. She believes that mental and physical health are imperative to a healthy lifestyle, and social health is equally important. She shares research that has been done to prove that social health—strong social relationships—causes better health and a longer life. The more people felt supported and cared for, the healthier and less sick they are. Higher levels of social support lower anxiety and depression in people of all ages. Killam suggests that we need to invest in our friends, family, and community as if our lives depended on it because they do. I believe that the way toward better social health is asking a question to connect with everyone.
Here are some key health benefits associated with having social connections.
Reduced Stress: Interaction with everyday contacts, friends, and loved ones can lead to reduced levels of stress. These connections provide a sense of security, support, and familiarity on an everyday basis and particularly during difficult times, which may be adding to stress levels.
Improved Mental Health: Social interactions are key in promoting mental health and well-being. Everyday connections—even with the grocery store clerk, traffic crossing guard, or barista at your favorite café—can reduce the risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. When you share your feelings with other people, you feel supported and that improves your coping mechanism.
Enhanced Physical Health: People who have good social connections tend to be in better physical health. They have a stronger immune system, lower blood pressure, and fewer chronic diseases compared to people who are socially isolated.
Longer Lifespan: Longevity is another benefit of having strong social connections. Those who feel connected tend to live longer than those who feel lonely on a regular basis.
Better Cognitive Function: Conversation and connection keep your mind active and preserve your cognitive function as you age. Remembering the people’s names whom you see every day is an exercise for the brain that can potentially lower the risk of cognitive decline.
Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Socializing provides support and creates an environment for discussing difficult situations you may be facing. It gives you a network for seeking advice.
Improved Self-Esteem: Self-esteem and self-worth improve with social interaction. Feeling accepted and valued by others can boost confidence and create a sense of belonging. When people remember your name and seek out your company, you feel valued and appreciated.
Greater Resilience: When facing difficult situations, having a strong social support system can enhance resilience. Supportive friends and family can offer encouragement and practical assistance during challenging times. You’ll have someone to talk to and rely on when things get tough.
Increased Happiness: Being socially connected often leads to increased happiness and life satisfaction. Imagine a short, happy conversation with the gas station attendant. Both of you are smiling while you’re connecting.
That is a long list of healthy attributes that come from connecting with the people in your life. It’s important to note that the quality of social connection matters just as much as the quantity. Meaningful, supportive relationships tend to have more significant health benefits than superficial or negative connections. Therefore, nurturing and maintaining healthy social connections is essential for your overall health and well-being.
The Ohio State UniversityJournal of Positive Psychology states that people who connect with others feel less depressed and less anxious. Social connection brings meaning and purpose to our lives. When you do things for others, it gives you a sense of purpose. It could be something as easy as asking someone about the weather. Numerous studies over the years have highlighted the positive impact of social interaction on health and well-being. These studies, among many others, provide substantial evidence that social interaction and strong social connections play a crucial role in promoting health and well-being, both physically and mentally. Engaging in meaningful relationships and having a support system can contribute to a longer, happier, and healthier life.
To that end, choose those you encounter regularly—your service providers, your friends, and those you surround yourself with—carefully. You want to interact with positive people on a daily basis. Or maybe the curmudgeon mailman can be turned around into a happier guy. Maybe he’s lonely and feels no one appreciates him.
Use a question to connect with someone and let them know that you see them. Using powerful questions to improve your already close-knit circle of friends will only add to your health benefits. Who knew that asking about the weather could lead to better health?
Essential Ideas
Social connections in your everyday life will lead to better health.
Practice and work to connect with everyone you encounter throughout each day.
Build a strong social network.
Relationships lead to longer, happier lives.
In the next chapter, you’ll learn which question to use to connect with anyone, anywhere.
