- Shopping Bag ( 0 items )
Take a walk in the...
Take a walk in the shoes and jump into the mind of a warrior of the light as his quest for righteousness turns into a mission of revenge. The Mishaps of Hardy Cornelius Funk is a twisted combination of fantasy and adventure, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and a few silly stories pulled from actual events. This novel is not for the faint of heart; it will definitely leave a lasting impression.
"Breakfast is ready." Lexy, my baby sister informs me while pelting me in the eye with a wet marshmallow.
I know she's only three and all, but one of these days I'm going to kick her in the teeth.
As I make my way to the kitchen I see Lexy, a.k.a. "the marshmallow marauder" snickering at the table with my other two sisters Jasmine, and Rosie.
Jasmine has always been mild tempered. Of coarse being the oldest girl, I guess she has to be.
Rosie, the middle female is a bit of a psycho, but she gets straight A's, and is a hell of a little artist.
"Shouldn't Lexy be done with her marshmallow throwing phase by now?" I ask my pregnant mother while taking a seat next to my two little brothers, Phillip and little Phil.
"Well honey, you peed the bed until you were eight." Mom says while placing breakfast on the table, reminding me not to judge.
"Why do you even buy marshmallows, she's the only that eats the damn things?" I remark while locking eyes with the three year old warlord across the table.
"Because she likes them, now leave her alone, and go get your father before breakfast disappears."
Turning the knob to my parents' room I can all ready hear the exercise video playing in the v.c.r. I knock just to be sure it's clear.
"Come in." Dad gives the o.k. and I immediately regret walking through the door and seeing my dad in a hand stand, working out in the buff.
"What the hell man? Why would you even invite someone in here if you were doing something like that?"
"I knew it was you. What do you want?" Dad puts his business on hold.
"Mom said to let you know breakfast was ready. I wasn't expecting a peep show."
"I'll be right there, and lock the door. No need traumatizing the whole neighborhood." Dad trails off.
Shocked by the raw honesty, I walk across the hall to my bedroom locking the door to try to buy a moment of peace. I lay on my bed and as soon as I exhale a deep breath Lil Phil starts to pound on the door.
"Hey, what are you doing in there? Why is the fricken' door locked."
Out of all of my siblings L.P. is my favorite. The kid is a genius. Back when he was ten he scammed the government out of over three million dollars in government grants. When the judge was going to throw the book at him he sent nude pictures of himself to the judges' e-mail and had him investigated for child pornography. He may have had to return the money, but all charges were dropped, and we never heard another word about it.
"BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." L.P. starts to kick the door.
"Mom ... he's playing with his penis in here." I get up to let him in when the door swings open across the hall.
"I'm working out!" Dad proclaims as he realizes L.P. wasn't talking to him. Wearing nothing but his birthday suit and flesh flag flying free, he turns back toward his room and closes the door. I take my hands away from L.P.'s tainted eyes.
"Why?" L.P. asks heart broken.
"At least he isn't a drug addict." I try to comfort him, but he just blocks it out as he walks into the bedroom and curls up with his newspaper.
"Hardy Cornelius Funk!" Mom yells from the back door.
"Oh shit! What did I do? Think fast." I tell myself, glancing at L.P. hoping he has some kind of information as to what I did to invoke the three name combo I just received.
The footsteps of pregnant vengeance stomp with purpose towards my time share sanctuary. Looking around I see my way out. With the stomping getting louder I perch myself in the window sill like a canary having a heart attack, just as mom walks through the door.
"HARDY!" Mom yells from the bedroom door.
I loose my footing, and start to go down when I realize why mom was so upset with me. It's right in front of my face and getting closer. The biggest pile of dog pooh known to man and I'm headed face first.
"Hardy, are you o.k.?" Mom and L.P. run to the window, and start to giggle.
"That dog doesn't even weigh fifteen fucking pounds." I start ranting, slinging pooh off of my arms, and my favorite Sublime t-shirt. "How the fuck can he shit bigger than a full grown man?"
"I guess you know what I wanted to talk to you about." Mom says with sympathy, trying not to laugh too hard.
"It's like we have somebody in the neighborhood coming back here, and just shitten' everywhere ... this is bullshit." I'm able to vent between gags.
I start to strip down when I look over at Bugsy, and notice that the twelve year old pug has the most confused look I've ever seen on the face of an animal.
"And don't forget to feed him neither." Mom walks off trying to keep her breakfast.
"I think he's had enough ... don't you think?" I say trying not to look at the feces masterpiece that I have just smeared all over the place.
"Damn Bugs, that had to be some kind of record. I might have to call hazmat." I attempt to make light of the situation.
"Hurry up and get cleaned up. I need you to go to the store for me." Mom yells out, while I wash the record breaking pooh off with the back water hose.
Out of the shower and into my room I throw on some shorts, and grab some fresh pants. L.P. sneaks into the room, and quickly closes and locks the door behind him.
"You wanna' see something hella' cool?" Half whispering, running to his bunk. L.P. pulls out what looks like some kind of hatchet in an old, leather case from under his pillow.
"I found this up by Funky-town." He explains, carefully placing it in my hands.
Funky-town is like a clubhouse we used to hang out at when we lived on the outskirts of town. The hike was nice, but Funky-town itself was kind of tricky to get to.
"Holy shit ... that is too cool!" I express awe, pulling the wood grain handle with gold trim, and pearl inlaid symbols from it's' holster. The blade itself gleamed in perfection, and was as sharp as the sun was bright.
"You found this by Funky-town?"
"Yeah, like right by the foot of the mountain. It was nasty when I found it, took me three days to clean it."
"That's bad ass bro' ... Probably worth allot of money too. What are you going to do with it?"
"I thought I would give it to you."
"No way! For real?"
"Well. I really wanted to get you something for your birthday this year, and besides I wouldn't know what to do with something like that anyway. That's more your thing."
I start to choke up as I sheath my birthday present. I grab L.P. to give him the biggest hug he's ever had.
"AAAALL RIGHT ... STOP ... YOU BIG FRUIT ...!" L.P. shouts as if he isn't enjoying it, but I know he loves every bit of it.
Putting him back down I realize how lucky I am to have been blessed with the coolest little brother in the world. A quick smile and a hand slap was all the thanks needed, but I love my little brother. He knows I collect knives and old weapons. This will be a fine addition to my collection.
"You hug me like that again I'm telling everybody you puff on penis." L.P. teases.
"Fair enough." I reply, putting a shirt on, and strapping my new blade to my leg. "Damn, that's cool." I say out loud to show my admiration of the new addition to my collection.
"I wouldn't show that off too much. That thing looks like it should be in a museum." L.P. points out pretty seriously.
Knowing it'll be safe here, I don't think twice about placing it safely under my pillow. "Want anything from the store bro'? I gotta' make a run for mom real quick."
L.P. looks around to try to think of anything. "Nah ... Got my coffee, got my paper ... I'm happy."
"What up Hardy?" My good friend Charles says, leaning against the side of the building, still laughing.
Charles is a good guy. He was born and raised in the projects and has been hustling since he could talk. Still to this day that's where he gets his primary source of income. He's been in two different gangs, and started two of his own. I love him like a brother, but if he sees a chance to get one over on me he will.
"Let it go dude, it's not that funny ... it's serious. They probably banned me for life." Damian jumps in to try to cut Charles off.
Damian is my best friend. He's a little square, but one of the most fierce friends I've ever had the pleasure of associating myself with. When we were kids I was getting jumped in the park after school, and even though most of my friends were there watching me get my ass handed to me, Damian was the only one that tried to help me. When it was all over, we picked each others' battered bodies out of the summer grass, and walked home like soldiers. Domains' heart is only matched by his courage.
"What's going on bro?" I ask Charles knowing he would be the one to tell me what was going on, while pulling up a loose masonry brick to get comfortable.
"Wanna' hit this shit bro'?" Charles asks with a one finger pass before boasting at Damian. "Tell that motherfucker what you just told me."
"Come on man, it's not that funny."
"What happened?" I ask, drooling with anticipation, and a chuckle all ready forming in my voice.
"What would you have done?" Damian challenges Charles half embarrassed.
"Oh, this is going to be good." I tease with both ears open.
"All right man, check this out." Damian begins to set up his story. "I was getting off the bus over by the Happy burger right, and I saw the most beautiful woman."
"Hahahahaha." Charles snickers to himself as if trying not to interrupt.
Damian drifts off in to a sexual fantasy. "She was wearing a pink, low cut, tube top that was way too small, and a black mini skirt. She had the face of an angel, and the body of a love goddess. Hell I could've swore she was checking me out ... luring me in with that booty magic."
"Hahahahaha." Charles' infectious laugh has got me going now. "And I swear on everything, this chick pulled her titty out in front of everybody ... oh, what a titty it was ... and stuck it right in the mouth of a newborn baby she lifted up out of a stroller."
A series of expressive movements gets me laughing so hard I can't even take a toke.
"That aint shit dog. Tell him what happened next D."
"I'm only human. What do you want from me?" Damian tries to rationalize with Charles, and then continues. "Anyways, I look down and see the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life ..." Charles and I bust up laughing. "... so I took care of it, that's all." Damian trails off.
Charles grabs his gut, and hits the ground hysterically, gasping for air.
"Hold on a second ... what do you mean you took care of it?" I inquire, very curious.
"Damn man, I didn't know what to do, so I ran into the Happy burger and took care of business."
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" With Charles and me unable to speak, Damian continues his story uninterrupted.
"It was really embarrassing to. It was cool when I walked in because nobody seemed to notice at first, but when I walked up to the counter for the bathroom key the lady at the register threw her arms up and jumped back like I was trying to rob the place ... very immature by the way. You should have seen the looks I was getting. Like I was the scum of the earth, and as if that wasn't bad enough, by the time I got half way to the bathroom the entire dinning room was fixed in on my manhood and looking completely disgusted."
"STOP, STOP! You're fucken' killing me you crazy motherfucker!" Charles squeaks out.
My laughter soon turns to confusion. "So you rubbed one out, right there in the restaurant?"
"I ran to the bathroom, locked the door and let it loose. The whole Happy burger knew what I was doing, but it had to be done."
"All right, all right, I've heard enough." I say as I stand back up, holding my side. "I'll catch up with you guys later. My mom's waiting' on me."
"Take it easy Hardy."
When we were kids we swore the lady that lived there was a witch because even though she was blind she carried on as though she can see just fine. Still kind of freaks me out when I think about it.
I realize I've come to a complete stop. I've never even gave this house a second look before today, but it seems as though I'm being talked at by the trees. The weeping willow seems to be whispering something important, but is impossible to make out, drawing me closer and closer. "It's probably just the weed ... I'm trippen'."
"You got my cat?" Out of nowhere the lady yells from her porch directly at me.
"You talking to m ..." before I can finish I see an orange cat out of the corner of my eye.
"Is this it, the orange one?" I ask picking the twenty pound cat up and start to move toward the old lady.
"How would I know what color it is you silly child, I'm blind."
Walking through the decades of foliage I can almost feel welcome. The yard seems as though it was changing to make me more comfortable, inviting me.
"Here's your cat. I'm just going to set him on the porch here." I say quickly closing the screen door and turning to leave.
"You've had a very disturbing dream recently haven't you?"
I freeze where I stand, and my heart starts to beat uncontrollably. The hair stands up on the back of my neck as a tear of fear almost escapes my scull. I turn around to ask her what she knew about it, considering I've been trying to forget about it since I had it. Something tells me I don't have to ask her.
"Come inside, you might want to hear what I have to say." She says sympathetically soft, insuring my security. I shake off my shakes, and wipe my face to try to prepare myself for what she may have to say about the scariest, and most life like nightmare I didn't even tell my momma about.
"Son of a bitch!" I hear the old lady tripping over somthing in the kitchen, knocking an assortment of random, God knows what on to the hard wood floors.
"You want me to turn a light on or something for you? I can't see anything in here?" I ask standing in the doorway, the moon the only light.
"Welcome to my world, but you can light the candles on the table if it makes you feel better."
I can see the corner of a table from the light of the doorway. Making my way to the table things get darker, so I pull the lighter out of my pocket and light the four candles that seemed to have melted together in the middle of the table. As the light fills the room I can't bring myself to ask why a blind woman would own so many books.
A narrow pathway is all that's left of the floor, as years of clutter and dust take up most of the room, looking more like a storage shed than a home.
"You had a dream didn't you? A very evil and disturbing dream ... didn't you?"
"How do you know about my dream?"
"Your dream is truth; the truth is coming, soon if you let it."
"What do you mean the truth, and what does this have to do with me?" I ask a bit wound up eagerly waiting for an answer.
"Seeing as how time is precious, how about shutting your noise hole, and listen to what I have to say?"
"You have my undivided attention." I submit, flustered as all hell.
"You have become the only one to save the world you know. An ancient weapon in your possession has the power to command an army of light, but in the wrong hands it can also be used to summon an army of darkness.
You can use the blade to overcome many obstacles in your path. A servant of the light will be appointed to help you on your quest, so feel free to ask the blade for help, but be warned. A glimpse into the future can jeopardize your well being."
I want to ask a few questions, but feel as though it is better to just let her finish what she has to say.
Excerpted from The Mishaps of Hardy Cornelius Funk by Donald C. Adams Copyright © 2009 by Donald C. Adams. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Posted February 8, 2010
The story took a lot of twists and turns, and lost me a few times here and there, but I think that is what kept my attention throughout the whole book. I kept reading it because I always wanted to find out what was going to happen next. Some improvement was needed in the way of the dialect, and maybe a broader vocabulary from the characters, but being that the characters were a bit younger makes it believable. All and all it was an easy and interesting read. I can definitely say that if there was a part 2... I would pick it up in a heartbeat!Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.