The One You Want to Marry (And Other Identities I've Had): A Memoir

by Sophie Santos, Joey Soloway (Introduction)

Overview

A hilarious and heartfelt memoir about finding your true voice by Sophie Santos, the fearless comic and host of The Lesbian Agenda.

From the self-proclaimed Queen of the Stunted Late Bloomers and one of the most exciting emerging voices in comedy comes an honestly funny memoir about the awkward, cringeworthy, hilarious, and longest possible journey of coming of age and into her own.

The only child of a perpetually transferring Filipino-Spanish US Army officer and a spitfire nurse, Sophie Santos spent her early years starting over again and again—and accumulating her fair share of anxieties. Growing up in 99.6 percent white communities, where girls had to learn to flash Vaseline-capped smiles before they’d be considered real women, Sophie adapted. Determined to fit in, she transformed from a tomboy misfit into a hormone-crazed beauty pageant contestant and a southern sorority girl, among other personalities. She nailed each role she took on, not shockingly, but nothing seemed to fit her true self.

In her twenties, floundering and locked in her bedroom with lesbian YouTube clips playing on repeat, Sophie began to understand that her true self might be more tomboy misfit than southern belle. That realization set her off on a journey that led her through an unexpected lesbian puberty and eventually toward a New York comedy career.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781542020411
Publisher:	Topple Books & Little a
Publication date:	10/01/2021
Pages:	400
Sales rank:	1,045,415
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Sophie Santos is a comedian and writer based in New York. She’s written for TV shows on Bravo and MTV and currently hosts the satirical comedy show The Lesbian Agenda. Her writing has also been featured in McSweeney’s. Sophie has appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and MTV News, and she has performed at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe and the Kennedy Center. Follow her on social media for lesbian propaganda. For more information, visit www.sophiesantos.com.

Table of Contents

A Note from Topple Books xi

Author's Note xiii

Preface xv

Phase 1 1

Chapter 1 Grand Entrance 3

Kira 6

Chapter 2 The Nanny Babysitter Diaries 9

Patricia 17

Chapter 3 Uniform Life 19

Chapter 4 First Lesbian Sighting 29

Miss Narum 37

Chapter 5 Look 'Em Straight in the Eye 39

Chapter 6 Finding God 55

Chapter 7 Strip Limbo 65

Olivia 74

Chapter 8 Mom, Dad, I Wanna Play Football 75

Miss Rast 82

Chapter 9 Where to Sit in a Prison Yard 83

Chapter 10 Viva Espana! 91

Chapter 11 Arab, AL, Population 8,340 99

Phase 2 115

Chapter 12 Puberty, Part I 117

Advice from a Thirteen-Year-Old on How to Be a Cam Girl 131

Chapter 13 I Didn't Come Out as a Dyke, I Came Out as a Mezzo-Soprano 133

Chapter 14 Arabian Nights 141

Chapter 15 Every 15 Minutes 151

Eulogy to My Friendship with Emma 159

Chapter 16 And the Winner Is 163

Chapter 17 It's a Rush! 179

How to Be a Sorority Girl, or The Guide to Being Ladylike, Abridged! 193

Chapter 18 Matthews, Olivers, and Fountains 195

Catherines the Greats 209

Chapter 19 Bambi and the Hunt for the Right D*ck 211

Chapter 20 Rock Bottom 221

Phase 3 233

Chapter 21 Summer-Camp Gay 235

Chapter 22 Puberty. Part II: The Second Coming 253

Chapter 23 Converting to Lesbianism 261

How to Be a Lesbian, or The Guide to Being a Dyke, Abridged! 275

Chapter 24 Christian Mingle 277

Chapter 25 This Is the Shit I Didn't Want to Write 291

Lessons I've Learned from My Shane Years 301

Chapter 26 A Girl Has No Door 303

Chapter 27 My Very Own Key West Lesbians 311

Chapter 28 You Can't Tell Me What to Do-I'm the President 321

Chapter 29 I Think I'm in Love with You 331

Chapter 30 Archie Andrews and the Quest of Ascending into Lesbian Stardom Territory 337

Chapter 31 Swan Song 347

Chapter 32 Hot Tub Time! 354

Chapter 33 Rockefeller Gal 363

Epilogue 369

Acknowledgments 373

About the Author 379

Editorial Reviews

07/12/2021

Comedian and TV writer Santos bares it all—the good, the bad, and the outrageously, obliviously gay—in this laugh-out-loud debut about coming out and feeling secure “in an insecure world.” An Army brat raised by a perpetually uprooted Filipino-Spanish family, Santos describes the difficult process of discovering her true self, first as a budding musical theater star in high school and later as an Alabama pageant queen (“My drug? Victory bouquets”), a sorority sister earning her “MRS degree,” and eventually—after a rocky road to admitting her sexuality to herself and “crossing the threshold into certified gaydom”—a too-accurate replica of the adulterous Shane from The L Word. Though some of her humor and colloquialisms (“as per ushe”) don’t translate smoothly from stage to page, her breezy tone feels intimate and makes the more serious and somber moments—such as her first comprehension of race (and the term “ethnically ambiguous”), her struggles with mental health, and rueful admissions of having mistreated former girlfriends—hit all the harder. LGBTQ millennials are sure to find a kindred spirit, warts and all, in these clever pages. Agent: Jack Greenbaum, the Arlook Group. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

One of Shondaland’s Best Books of October 2021

“[A] hilarious, identity-affirming memoir…a must read for anyone who has ever struggled to just be.” —Shondaland

“Her breezy tone feels intimate and makes the more serious and somber moments—such as her first comprehension of race (and the term ‘ethnically ambiguous’), her struggles with mental health, and rueful admissions of having mistreated former girlfriends—hit all the harder. LGBTQ millennials are sure to find a kindred spirit, warts and all, in these clever pages.” —Publishers Weekly

“Sophie Santos isn’t your average comedian…she details the plot points of her own life—like constant moves due to her dad’s gig in the Army and her stint in pageantry—with hilarious aplomb.” —Entertainment Weekly

“Kept me completely enthralled throughout…written in a casual, intensely readable style that reminds me of reading someone’s diary, complete with an uncensored look at every aspect of their life…Santos does not shy away…it’s a story about running from yourself, chasing mirages of who you are, and what happens when you’re finally forced to stand still and face yourself…it’s a messy process, and this book embraces that. I hope that young readers that feel like they’re doing it wrong, who are embarrassed about how long it took them to come out, or who are struggling to get stability in their adult identities, find this book.” —Book Riot’s All the Books podcast

“Quite funny. Santos rips through stories that are awkward, painfully relatable or even deeply embarrassing…that frankness helped me keep rooting for her…a story that’s less about coming out and more about finally coming into your own.” —Autostraddle

“Her ability to chameleon herself into different roles has served Santos well as a performer, and there are certainly some hilarious stories that have come of it — some laugh-out-loud funny, others intensely cringe — but that doesn’t mean she’s had it easy. In The One You Want to Marry, Santos frankly discusses her mental health struggles, and revisits some of her own bad behavior. She’s no saint, but she’s human, and it’s that messiness we love.” —Ilana Masad via them.

“Sophie Santos is a surprising and gifted writer, and I’m grateful to her for sharing her many lives with me, and us all, with this terrific debut that made me LAUGH, and then laugh more.” —Matt Rogers, comedian, entertainer, and cohost of the Las Culturistas podcast

“Very honest, very funny, a total delight. The one you want to read.” —Isaac Oliver, author of Intimacy Idiot

From the Publisher