The Petraeus Files: All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to See

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Overview

WARNING: The satire you are about to read will change the way you look at our nation’s leaders. FOREVER.

In November 2012, General David Petraeus stepped down from his post as director of the CIA when it was exposed that he'd had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.  The political scandal that unfolded would eventually include four-star generals, socialites, FBI agents, the Army, a stuffed Sasquatch, and the entire cast of TLC's...

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The Petraeus Files: All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to See

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Overview

WARNING: The satire you are about to read will change the way you look at our nation’s leaders. FOREVER.

In November 2012, General David Petraeus stepped down from his post as director of the CIA when it was exposed that he'd had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.  The political scandal that unfolded would eventually include four-star generals, socialites, FBI agents, the Army, a stuffed Sasquatch, and the entire cast of TLC's Sister Wives.

           

Hundreds, thousands—maybe millions—of e-mails were exchanged between these parties. Their computers have been seized by the government, and those e-mails would likely never see the light of day. . . .

However, access to these confidential documents has been obtained by a most unlikely source: comedian Ted Travelstead. Through a perfect storm of dumb luck, desperation, and a favor from a friend with a working computer, Travelstead managed to secure these e-mails.  He has pored over reams of pages to give you an inside look at The Petraeus Files.

Prepare to be amazed by:

*The coded phrases Gen. Petraeus and his mistress Paula Broadwell used to keep their rendezvous private, and the numerous nicknames they had for each other (“Peaches: I want your plums in my juicer.”)

*Florida socialite Jill Kelley’s official titles: Vice Consul of Sweet Times, Ambassador of Lady Town, Lil’ Mayor Push-N-Pull, and Undersecretary of All Things Considered, to name a few.

*Gen. John Allen’s previously unknown penchant for Nip/Tuck fan fiction

With exclusive e-mails, chats, photographs, and illustrations, this is a book that will change the way you look at the military, our nation’s leaders, and the phrase “rear admiral.”

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781250040992
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Press
  • Publication date: 2/12/2013
  • Pages: 176
  • Product dimensions: 5.40 (w) x 8.10 (h) x 0.60 (d)

Meet the Author

TED TRAVELSTEAD is a writer and performer. He is a co-author of SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk, a contributor to Care To Make Love In That Gross Little Space Between Cars?: A Believer Book of Advice, and has written for Esquire, Vanity Fair, Radar, and McSweeney’s, among other publications. As an actor he has appeared onstage performing sketch and stand-up at various venues in New York City, and in a broad range of films, comedic shorts, and music videos. He is a frequent tweeter; follow him at @trumpetcake.

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Read an Excerpt

The Petraeus Files

All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to See
By Ted Travelstead

St. Martin's Griffin

Copyright © 2013 Ted Travelstead
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9781250040992


Introductions All Around
 

Inbox (8,451)
Drafts
Sent Items
Deleted Items
Outbox
Junk Email

SPRING 2006
From: Paula Broadwell
Date: Thu, 4 May 2006 10:04:12 -0500
To: David Petraeus
Subject: Your Talk At Harvard
Dear General Petraeus,
Hearing you speak at Harvard was a real eye-opening experience. I’d like to thank you for giving your time, and sharing your wisdom. I wanted to ask if there was any way I could talk to you further about my research work. Your help would be invaluable.
Best Regards,
Paula Broadwell
Hello Ms. Broadwell,
It was my pleasure to speak to you and the rest of those gathered. I would be glad to talk with you further. Perhaps we can set up a time to meet in person, and you can explain to me in more specific terms what you are looking for.
Do you like waffles?
Sincerely,
General David Petraeus
P.S. And please, call me David.
Hi David,
I do very much like waffles, and please call me Paula.
I am very happy you’re willing to hear what I have in my mind. I will let your schedule dictate our rendezvous. Just say the word and I’ll be there.
Many thanks!
Best,
Paula
TWO YEARS LATER
From: Paula Broadwell
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:01:34 -0500
To: David Petraeus
Subject: Hello Again
Hi David,
Thank you so much for all your help so far. As you know, I am pursuing my Ph.D. in public policy and I want to conduct a case study of your leadership skills. It will be invaluable if you would agree to let me spend some time getting to know you and talking to you. Either in person, by email, or both.
Best regards,
Paula
Paula,
It would be my pleasure. You’re whip-smart and a delight to be around. I’m excited to help out.
I’d like you to join me for a run soon if you’re able. I think running together is a great way for folks to get to know each other better.
Are you familiar with the books of Carlos Castaneda? He was a wonderful shaman, and I believe this quote is from him:
“The mysticism of physical exertion is the only magic we truly control. Harness it with another and watch your souls dance together in the widening sky.”
Pretty neat, huh?
Sincerely,
David
Hi David,
I’m not familiar with Carlos Castaneda’s writing, but have heard of him. What a fantastic quote.
I’d love to join you for a run!
Best,
Paula
Hi Paula,
You’re a great runner! Wow. I was super impressed. I’m kind of a running freak, and so it always surprises me when people keep up, and don’t lose steam along the way.
Great questions too. The fact that you were able to write down notes while we were chugging along like that was even more impressive.
All in all one of the best runs I’ve had in a while.
I hope we can do it again sometime!
Fondly,
David
Hi David,
Surprised you, didn’t I? Hey, you’re not the only one that went to West Point.
It WAS a great run. Thank you for inviting me, and thank you for being so forthright with your answers to my questions. I really think this case study is going to be terrific if I do say so myself. I’ll have you to thank when it does. You better start thinking of thank-you gifts!
With Much Cheer,
Paula
OCTOBER 2008
From: Jill Kelley
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 14:14:32 -0500
To: David Petraeus ; John Allen
Subject: Welcome to MacDill
Dear Generals Petraeus and Allen,
I am the official Community Outreach Liaison for MacDill and I wanted to welcome you, and invite you to my home for an officers’ gathering on Saturday evening, the 11th, at 7 pm, in your honor.
It will be a casual affair with light food, and plenty of beverages.
I hope you can make it as I would love to meet you and introduce you to some of the many wonderful people that make up our community.
My husband is a renowned physician, and we have an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Jill Kelley
MacDill Community Outreach Liaison
From: David Petraeus
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 14:19:21 -0500
To: John Allen
Subject: FW: Welcome to MacDill
Who is this lady?
If this is a pool party, forget it.
From: John Allen
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 14:21:17 -0500
To: Jill Kelley ; David Petraeus
Subject: Re: Welcome to MacDill
Hello Ms. Kelley,
Thank you for the invitation. General Petraeus and I would love to join you, and will plan on being there.
You mentioned your swimming pool. Will there be swimming?
Best Regards,
General John R. Allen
United States Army
From: Jill Kelley
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 16:45:48 -0500
To: David Petraeus ; John Allen
Subject: Re: Welcome to MacDill
Dear Generals,
So glad you both can make it.
We weren’t planning on any swimming, but if you insist, we can certainly prepare the pool for you.
I look forward to meeting both of you!
Very Sincerely Yours,
Jill Kelley
Neighborhood Garden Planner
From: David Petraeus
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 16:51:06 -0500
To: John Allen
Subject: FW: Welcome to MacDill
I’M NOT SWIMMING IN A STRANGE, CIVILIAN POOL AFTER DRINKING ALCOHOL.
From: John Allen
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 17:05:38 -0500
To: Jill Kelley ; David Petraeus
Subject: Re: Welcome to MacDill
Dear Ms. Kelley,
Oh no, please don’t prepare the pool on our account. I simply misunderstood your mention of it.
We’ll see you Saturday. Thank you again for the invite.
Best,
General John Allen
United States Army
From: Jill Kelley
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 17:44:30 -0500
To: David Petraeus ; John Allen
Subject: Re: Welcome to MacDill
Hi John,
Please, call me Jill. You too, David.
Guess what? It’s too late, I already made an appointment with pool maintenance!
Happy now? Hahaha.
Bring your bathing suits, you two!
See you Saturday!
Jill Kelley
Director of Florida Parents’ Association
From: David Petraeus
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 17:47:32 -0500
To: John Allen
Subject: FW: Welcome to MacDill
NOT GONNA DO IT.
From: John Allen
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 17:49:14 -0500
To: David Petraeus
Subject: FW: Welcome to MacDill
Chill out, bro. You don’t have to swim if you don’t want to. It could be fun!
From: David Petraeus
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 17:52:23 -0500
To: John Allen
Subject: FW: Welcome to MacDill
Fine.
BUT DON’T “BRO” ME, BRO.
From: John Allen
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 17:54:17 -0500
To: David Petraeus
Subject: FW: Welcome to MacDill
Yes, Sir.

 
Copyright © 2013 by Ted Travelstead


Continues...

Excerpted from The Petraeus Files by Ted Travelstead Copyright © 2013 by Ted Travelstead. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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