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CHAPTER 1
How I Became a Foodie Superhero
There they are: my sheep, two hundred of them, at the Horowitz-Chang wedding. They kick back their chairs and smile, too full to do anything but sigh. It had been a grand affair in the turn-of-the-century, factory-cum-Soho–style loft in newly chic Long Island City. Countless celebrities had flocked to the venue: Donald Trump filmed The Apprentice there. The Sopranos used it to shoot scenes for its final season. And once, while combing through the warehouse's lower floors for the perfect antique tray, I bumped into David Cassidy.
As the owner and executive chef of The Raging Skillet, a cutting- edge catering company based in New York City, I rarely get calls to cater mainstream event spaces. But a nightclub in Gowanus, a factory in Queens, an old synagogue turned goth party space on the Lower East Side? That's where we hold court.
* * *
When I was a kid, I was the queen of nothing. My Orthodox parents kept a tight rein, preferring that I never left home except to marry a nice Jewish doctor, lawyer, or maybe a pharmacist.
These days, I marry lots of nice Jewish guys, sometimes to each other. And the occasional man does win my hand.
"Will you marry me?" a groom once asked, peering into the kitchen just as I sent out dessert.
"Hmmm. Didn't you just do that, oh, about five hours ago?" I deadpanned, while arranging a tray of rugelach.
"Yes! But that salmon! You have stolen my heart!" Moments later, the mother of the bride emerged, holding a shopping bag filled with plastic containers. "If you don't mind," she says in her thick Brooklyn accent, decades of cigarette smoke rasping her vocals, "everything was so good, I figured it would be even better tomorrow!"
As I spooned in enough leftovers to feed a football team, I looked down at her microwaveable bowls and started to laugh.
Ah, the microwave, the contraption that started it all.
* * *
I can't say we had a happy family, but we ambled along through mild discontent, with occasional bursts of joy and nausea. Dad was a teacher. Mom was a former teacher and mathematician. My brother, Matt, was laying the foundation for his excruciatingly ordered life as an accountant and yes, a teacher. Sister Lily was perfecting her private language based on sounds chickens make. And I, not yet Rossi, was all potential, no pizzazz.
In 1977 the Big M arrived.
It seemed innocent at first, this televisionish appliance that warmed soup in seconds, but within days of owning that first microwave, my mom was obsessed. Gone was the beef goulash that simmered longer than most of my relationships; the overcooked roast chicken seasoned with black pepper, paprika, and guilt; the cabbage and noodle casseroles with enough butter for six heart attacks.
The shelves in the garage, once stocked with enough canned goods to feed Pittsburgh, now held only tiny square containers of microwaveable soup and popcorn. The freezer became a smorgasbord of items, previously recognizable only to astronauts, waiting to be passed through the Big M and turned into the feasts promised on their seductive labels. Seductive, yes, because surely that's what happened to my mom. She was seduced by an electrical lover, and the payback was far more rewarding than a measly marriage with children.
The payback was time.
I was there for her first epiphany, the moment she suspiciously added water to a dry mix, plopped it in the microwave, pressed "2-0-0," and out came a bowl of tomato soup.
"It's like magic!" she squealed. "Eat it! Eat it! Tell me if it's good!"
"It's, umm, okay," I said, scrounging for a handful of saltines to soak up the bland mush.
"It only took two minutes!" she shrieked in delight. "Twoooooooominutessssss!"
She was reborn. No more slaving over vats of chicken soup. No more long hours traveling to the farthest kosher butcher for the cheapest veal. This thing, this tiny box, was her salvation. But it also was the end of food as we knew it.
There had always been an intangible price tag on my mother's cooking. We were supposed to do something more than say thank you; we were supposed to gorge ourselves as though this were our last meal on earth. Getting fat was the least we could do. I handled this task nicely, except I preferred to think of myself as big boned.
"Look at my wrists! I'm big boned!" I'd announced to the bully at school who called me "fatty."
Mom was big boned, too. At five feet tall, weighing in at 295 pounds, she had bones that could fill out a muumuu like nobody's business.
When the Big M arrived, we figured that if Mom didn't have to spend so much time simmering stews into oblivion, we wouldn't have to be quite so grateful. We might even be able to get away without having thirds ...
What we should have done was smash the microwave with the nearest sledgehammer or cooled-off meatloaf. That box turned lima beans into linoleum and pizza into paste. The Big "M" stood for murder, and the victim was supper.
But the nuker was something else that it took me years to recognize. It was my call to arms.
At the grand age of thirteen and a half, I recognized it was up to me — the girl in the Sex Pistols T-shirt with Janis Joplin hair, who couldn't even make instant coffee — to save my family. I answered the call with a secret missile aimed right for the heart, a little ditty I pull out to this day when the going gets tough. I call it mozzarella.
There they were, sitting in the living room, dull eyes fixed on Happy Days reruns, my heartsick family with rumbling stomachs and bored souls. They were so lost, they didn't even know what they were missing.
Just as Mom called us to the table to dine from microwave-safe bowls on a stew-like concoction that might have been noodles, I pounced. Darting behind her, I pulled out hot-from-the-oven (the oven!) pizza bagels studded with mushrooms and — gasp — oregano.
A hush fell over the room. Reluctantly, my brother sniffed at the round, gooey thing, broke off a small piece, and placed it on his tongue.
His eyes grew wide with excitement, and he announced, "This doesn't taste yucky!"
My dad tried one with a begrudging grunt. (Dad grunted his way through about ten years of my childhood, so I'd come to recognize this particular grunt as the "food good" grunt, not the "be quiet or I'll crack you one" grunt.)
My sister grabbed one and started chewing away as she hummed along to one of the endless Partridge Family songs playing in her head.
My mom seemed to frown and smile at once.
"There's no nutrition in that," she screeched, but plopped a pizza bagel on her plate all the same.
My life was forever changed.
My father began to ask me strange things like, "Do you mind if I change the channel?" More notably, he used human words, not grunts!
My sister stopped sneaking into my bedroom to steal clean underwear.
My brother began to call me by my name instead of ... well, nevermind.
From the moment I pulled that first batch of pizza bagels from the oven, I knew that food was magical. Never mind drugs, this was the stuff — a mind-altering mishmash of stimuli that I could meld into every imaginable shape and flavor. I could become a foodie superhero!
For years, my mom's Hungarian recipes, handed down since the Ice Age, were the only things cooked in our home, but I wanted what my friends' moms were making for dinner — pizza, mac and cheese, something a little more "now."
Left to my own artistic wanderings, I came up with mad-scientist dishes like rice pilaf mixed with spaghetti. I gave my creations kooky names like "rice-a-getti" or "meatloaf-aise."
Nobody seemed to mind when I cut up Empire Kosher fried chicken and mixed it with macaroni, margarine, and peas. Try it, but use butter if you're not kosher. Decades later, I have to say this is still pretty tasty, though today I skip the broken-corn-chip topping. That was overkill.
After I turned fourteen and started high school, anything left of my good-girl pretense dissipated in a haze of Marlboro Lights, marijuana, cheap wine, and chocolate. I became the hostess of numerous after- school soirees.
They were simple affairs. I waited for Mom to leave the house, then my derelict friends would come over and sit on the front porch listening to Led Zeppelin while I concocted a variety of dishes, with one ingredient in common: Snickers bars. It was haute cuisine for teens.
The sight of the sloppy, drooling faces of my somewhat-stoned friends devouring Snickers and Potato Chip Casserole to the tune of "Stairway to Heaven" was as good as it gets.
"Hey man! Rossi is, like, out-of-sight cool, man! She's, like, the best, man!" came the chorus of the gang of high school students who spent more time in detention than they did in class.
My status rocketed from weird, outsider chick to ruler of the planet.
In our family, each kid had jobs. Mine were taking out the garbage and, due to a lifelong habit of looking down when I walked, acting as doo-doo pointer. Neither made me feel truly needed. Then, suddenly, that elusive sensation of being the only one who could provide what everyone wanted was in my grasp, wedged between the kitchen mitts and the platter of cheese ravioli. It was a lesson I would never forget: Power is delicious. And so are pizza bagels.
Rossi's Teenage Pizza Bagels
Serves up to 12 people
INGREDIENTS
12 bagels
1 coffee cup of your favorite tomato sauce (When I was a kid, I used Ragu.)
½ bag (about a pound) grated mozzarella Dried oregano
OPTIONAL
1 (8 oz.) can mushrooms
Cut one bagel in half for each family member or stoned friend present.
Spread your favorite tomato sauce on top of each half. I always went for jarred marinara, but pizza sauce or whatever you have will do.
Top with enough grated mozzarella to cover the sauce.
I sprinkled dried oregano on top 'cause I was a fancy babe. I sometimes topped them with sliced canned mushrooms. This was years before I knew mushrooms came any other way.
Lay them in a baking pan and put in the oven at anywhere from 350 to 400 degrees — 350 if, like me, you prefer soft and cheesy pizza. If you're the crustier type, crank the oven up to 400.
Cook till the cheese is melted and it's as crusty as you like it. About 8–10 minutes should do it.
When I started to cook professionally, I served these as kiddy delights at a bar mitzvah or three. I tried to jazz things up with bell peppers and onions and sautéed shiitake mushrooms on top, but the kids strongly preferred the original teen Rossi recipe. What can I say? Some things are meant to be left simple.
Snickers and Potato Chip Casserole
Serves 6 not-stoned teenagers or 2 who are stoned
INGREDIENTS
2 Snickers bars
½ stick sweet butter
3 handfuls marshmallows
1 bag plain potato chips
Chop up your Snickers bars into chunks. Cut the butter into pieces. Grease a 9-inch pan or dish (a glass pie plate would do fine) with butter.
Over low heat, melt the butter. Then add the Snickers and marshmallows. Crumble up the potato chips with your hands and then mix the melted Snickers, butter, and marshmallow goop with your crumbled potato chips. Your ratio should be about equal chips to goop.
FYI — go for plain chips, not salt and vinegar or anything like that.
Once you mix, scrape the goop into your buttered pan and smush till it's all in. Top with a smidge more crumbled chips and let cool. When cool, you can cut it into the size pieces you want to devour.
This is so nasty, but lord, nothing tastes better to a teenager.
CHAPTER 2
Pesach on the Interstate
Cleaning the house in preparation for Passover is an ordeal. You have to pack up all the treif (not-kosher-for-Passover food), including the dishes used to serve the treif, scrub the house top to bottom, then actually remove all the packed-up treif and treif-ware.
You can throw away all your food or work a common loophole and "sell" your food to the nearest non-Jewish neighbor for a dollar, then buy it back after Passover. That wasn't a plan that set well with Mom, though, who didn't trust anyone to safeguard a year's worth of food she'd hoarded from all over the county with three-for-one coupon sales.
"Leave my thirty-eight cans of tuna in water ... with a nonblood relative?" You'd have thought she was talking about the Hope Diamond.
Mom trudged through the annual clean-a-thon for years, working another loophole by declaring that the pantry in our garage, with freezer, fridge, and storage shelves, did not count as part of the house.
"It's an extension, not part of the original structure! The Lord knows this!"
But year after year, her enthusiasm waned. "Major cleaning" had long ago left her vocabulary.
We ate in the kitchen, since the room that we laughably still called "the dining room" had lost its original purpose about a week after we moved in. It was now a two-hundred-square-foot storage room with a folding table on each of its four walls, piled three feet high with items Mom had decided were worth saving: old magazines, four-for-a-dollar batteries, coffee mugs with bank logos on them, shoeboxes filled with coupons, advertisements for sales that ended years before, clothing that had never fit anyone in the family, and the occasional rotting pear.
When we were all together, without the distraction of school or work or personal crisis, we drove each other stark, raving mad. So we hit the road ... a lot. My dad bought a camper he could wedge onto his yellow Ford pickup, and we began an annual summer trek from Jersey to the Deep South.
For the eight or nine months a year that we weren't traveling, the camper, plucked from the truck like a shell from a hermit crab, sat in our New Jersey backyard on cinder blocks. In our affluent town, the camper cemented our reputation as the white-trash family on the block. Literally. But it came to mean so much more to my mother.
* * *
Mom began her Passover sighing a few weeks early the year I turned eleven. She'd look at the twenty loaves of bread and the space in the not-part-of-the-original-structure pantry that could hold maybe a jelly bean and sigh. She'd look at the mountain of dishes piled up near the sink, survey the remaining shelf space in the pantry that might hold a teacup, and sigh. Finally, after throwing herself into a major depression, Mom stepped outside to get some air.
It was there that her eyes fell on the camper. One small room on wheels, a tiny kitchenette, all food items already removed the summer before. It was like a message from the Almighty: "You have suffered too much, dear lady ... suffer no more!"
One bottle of Pine-Sol and a roll of aluminum foil later, Mom had Passovered the camper.
"Children, we are hitting the road for our seder this year," she announced with glee.
"How's that?" Dad asked, digging in the fridge for his tenth piece of leftover chicken to hold him over for the fifteen minutes till dinner.
"Simple. We just pack up our Passover food and drive!"
So, on a sunny day in April 1975, my sister, brother, dad, mom, and I hit Interstate 95 with enough kosher-for-Passover cans of corned beef hash to feed Michigan.
Keeping Passover was always a challenge, but keeping Passover at truck stops in the South was impossible. Basically, the only thing safe to devour was air, and even that was ill advised at highway truck stops in the seventies.
Mom made all our meals in the camper. Now, let me explain what this really meant. The bed Mom and Dad slept on doubled as the dining table once the mattress was removed. The only problem was, well, it always smelled like Mom and Dad. No matter what you ate at the table, there was a hint of athlete's foot powder and roll-on deodorant. To further the downscale experience, my dad, well known among his racquetball buddies for going to the men's room just as the check arrived, was a strong advocate of the free campground.
A free campground, for those of you far too classy to know, was not a campground at all, but just a place to park for the night where we wouldn't have to pay. A good twenty-four-hour convenience store didn't mind a loud family from Jersey buying five dollars worth of hair products and then spending the night in the parking lot.
While families wheeled past our camper, pushing carts filled with paper towels and knee socks, Mom prepared the seder plate: roasted bone (Mom substituted one overcooked hard-boiled egg), sprigs of green (she had found aging celery sticks on sale), horseradish, salt water, and charoseth (a combination of apples, walnuts, and red wine), then matzo, of course.
We sat around the dinette table with our Haggadoth, and my dad led us through the seder.
"Why is this night different from all others?" he read.
"Because on all other nights, we can eat pizza," my brother razzed back.
"Because on all other nights, we could go to a motel instead of this fakaka parking lot," I cried.
"Can I have ten dollars?" asked my sister.
"Ma nishtanah haly la hazeh mikol halay lot!" Mom sang so loudly a shopper passing by nearly dropped her twelve pack of Fresca.
* * *
When I was fourteen, my parents decided to take us for a more authentic seder camping experience. Maybe Dad had developed wanderlust for the great outdoors or a desire to walk outside with his morning cup of instant coffee and not be confronted with a dozen shoppers.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Raging Skillet"
by .
Copyright © 2015 Rossi.
Excerpted by permission of Feminist Press.
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