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The Recession Kama Sutra

The Recession Kama Sutra

by Sarah Herman
     
 

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Take a lesson in Advanced Sexonomics with these thrifty and naughty activities

Get ready to generate a stimulus package of your own with this raunchy and riotous recession romp-fest. The book covers activities such as Boom and Bust, Naughty NASDAQ, Total Liquidity, Euro Love Zone, and Bank Roll in the Hay.Whether you want to double-dip with a stranger or

Overview

Take a lesson in Advanced Sexonomics with these thrifty and naughty activities

Get ready to generate a stimulus package of your own with this raunchy and riotous recession romp-fest. The book covers activities such as Boom and Bust, Naughty NASDAQ, Total Liquidity, Euro Love Zone, and Bank Roll in the Hay.Whether you want to double-dip with a stranger or need some bond tips to reignite your stagflated workplace, this is the book for you. So fight off deflation, trim that unruly hedge fund, and pump up your assets—this frisky and frugal piece of capital is a smart investment that's sure to add a few "oh oh ohs" to your balance sheet.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781849533171
Publisher:
Summersdale
Publication date:
10/01/2013
Pages:
128
Product dimensions:
5.10(w) x 7.40(h) x 0.70(d)

Read an Excerpt

The Recession Kama Sutra


By Sarah Herman

Summersdale Publishers Ltd

Copyright © 2012 Summersdale Publishers Ltd
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-85765-816-6



CHAPTER 1

HOME HARD-ONS AND PLEASURE GARDENS


Your home might be where your hard-on is, but that doesn't mean it's not costing you thousands every year. Turn DIY into DI 'oh my!' and fight off the recession (bondage straps optional) from behind closed doors.


Total Liquidity


Get lathered like a hottie while savouring every drop of your water bill.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A hot and steamy shower

• Your favourite sexy-scented shower gel or soap


WHAT TO DO:

Yes, water costs money we're not suggesting for a second that you forego your daily cleanse, only that you make the most of every drop of water, get cleaned up in the dirtiest way possible and shower like a sex kitten. Turn the shower on hot, let the room fill with steam, and then tell your partner to come and help you fix something in the bathroom. Position yourself provocatively under the hot water, while lathering your body with your favourite shower gel or soap. When they see you poised, and ready to unleash some serious shower-certified sex moves, they won't be able to resist stripripping off and giving you the dirtiest scrub of your life. When you're done, return the favour and make the most of the steam-filled room by going down on them until the air clears.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

Lay some fluffy towels on the bathroom floor to soak up any wasted splashes and create some steam of your own by pulling your shower buddy down and riding them till you're hot, sweaty, and ready for another wash.

FRUGAL RATING:

****

You're getting wet (in all the right places) and sharing water. Saving the environment and your money in one hot and steamy session, good job!


Invisible Hands


Turn the lights down low and let your hands have all the fun for free!


YOU WILL NEED:

• A very dark room

• Candles (optional)


WHAT TO DO:

We love sex with the lights on, but there's no point paying extra on your electricity bill when the purse strings are already so tight. Turn all the lights in the house off, draw the blinds and let your imagination run wild when you can't even see your partner's face. Girls, put on your most provocative underwear, and boys show off your body in a cute pair of underpants and then play hide and seek in the dark for a truly electrifying sexual encounter. If you're seeking, locate your partner in the house and try to sneak up on them. As the seeker's reward your partner must strip for you, while touching their own body and describing everything they're doing to themselves and everything they want to do to you using the filthiest language they can muster. Try not to touch them during this time, but feel free to touch yourself. When you cannot control the urge any longer, thenen you can get in on the action by putting your hands all over their body in the pitch black. The darkness will add another level of mystery and imagination to your foreplay, and is ideal for character role-play and making the most of all your home's dirty little corners ... and your own!


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

Scared of the dark? Light a few candles and position them around your house, leading your partner to whichever room you want to sex them up in. Every time they pass a candle they blow it out, and when they find you, you blow him or pleasure her as a reward.


FRUGAL RATING:

*****

Turning the lights down low has never been so good for your wallet or your libido.


Privatised Porn Star


Role-play away the financial frustrations of getting things fixed with your own personal porn star.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A leaky pipe preferably in the kitchen (just block the sink and leave the taps running for effect).

• Worker's overalls

• A tool kit (filled with sex toys and some heavy-duty lube)

• A skimpy negligee


WHAT TO DO:

Take a day off work, get dressed up in your most revealing bedroom attire, and phone your partner on their mobile phone. Tell them that the pipe is leaking in the kitchen and that you need them to come home from work to help you fix it. Leave some worker's overalls by the front door with a tool kit (put your favourite sex toys and stimulating lube in there so your partner cottons on to the game) and a note telling them to get dressed for work and meet you in the kitchen. From this moment forth, your partner is the hot plumber who asks, 'What seemsseems to be the problem?' and you are the bored housewife/husband who can't wait to get their hands on the plumber's tools. Have your partner check out the sink, splash them with water so they're forced to strip off out of the overalls, and then proceed to flirt outrageously with them until they give in to the forbidden desire and seduce you. Make sure you tip them well for their service!


SEXONOMIC BONUS:


Play as hard to get as your time schedule allows and stay in character so your partner will want you even more. If you're not shy, and are feeling risky, leave the curtains open and get naked and naughty and risk giving the neighbours an eye-full!


FRUGAL RATING:

*

Let's be honest, you're still going to have to call a qualified plumber (or a cleaner after all that mess), but at least your own pipes got a thorough seeing to.


Reveal Your Assets


Get your windows cleaned while turning your lover's mind all kinds of dirty.


YOU WILL NEED:

• Some mildly dirty windows with curtains

• A ladder

• A bucket

• A sponge


WHAT TO DO:

It's about time your partner stopped playing Xbox and did some hard labour (don't worry, no one needs to have a baby for this one, unless you plan it that way!) Promise them a good bonking session if they clean the windows for you. Draw all the curtains closed, hand them a bucket filled with soapy water, a sponge, and get the ladder set up so all they have to do is climb and scrub. Once they've started, head back inside and position yourself in front of the window they're cleaning. Turn on your favourite sexy tunes, pull back the the curtains and dance seductively. Remove an item of clothing, and when their face is pressed up against the glass and they're starting to drool, pull the curtains shut and move to the next dirty window ready to reveal more. By the time your partner's finished soaping and squeegeeing, you should be naked and feeling horny from having their eyes all over you. When your personal window washer comes inside they'll be ready to come with you over and over again. Oh, and if you didn't distract them too much with your hotness, your windows should be clean! And if you're the brawny one in this relationship, then tell your partner you'll get up the ladder if they make it worth your while.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

Getting your partner to do manual labour equals a high-five and a trip to your favourite clothes store (on sale day!) to find your next sexy strip-tease outfit. Windows don't stay clean forever, you know! And if you were the one doing the hard work, you deserve to spend those savings sipping a beer and getting your own private lap dance from your partner!


FRUGAL RATING:

*****

Super saving on home maintenance and hot and horny sex. It doesn't get better than that!


Dirty Sock market


There'll be no more hunting for laundry change after trying this wet and wild wash cycle.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A basket of dirty laundry

• A freestanding washing machine (one you can sit on)


WHAT TO DO:

Yes, we know it's much easier to drop off your delicates at your local laundrette and leave the hard work to someone else, but service is costly, and that washing machine should start earning its keep. Drag your partner to whewherever you keep your washer/dryer, make them watch you bend over and load up all your dirty laundry. Then, act surprised and tell them that you need to wash the clothes you're wearing. Strip off so you're standing there in nothing but your undies and finish loading up the washer. Turn it on and then make the most of how turned on they'll be by getting hot and heavy right there. Lift yourself or your partner up onto the washing machine while you go down on them or vice versa for extra vibrating goodness. If your laundry's done but you're not, throw it in the dryer and start all over again. You don't get that kind of service down at the laundrette.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

If you keep this up, treat yourself to a drop-off laundry once a month, but keep your hottie's heart racing, and their face blushing, by throwing in a sexy thong or pair of briefs with their wash.


FRUGAL RATING:

***

Make sure your clothes actually make it into the washer and that you don't break the machine with your hot and heavy laundry-day antics it'll be hard explaining that one to your roommates/parents/the kind lady at the Laundrette.


Va-Va-Value Added


Say 'How you doin'?' to home repairs with this frisky way to DIY.


YOU WILL NEED:

• Some home repairs, preferably outdoors

• A sun lounger

• Sexy swimwear

• A tall, cool drink with ice cubes

• Overalls


WHAT TO DO:

Don't hire in help to finish the deck, use the brains and (hopefully some) brawn that lazes around your house all the time and get jobs done at no extra cost. Whether you need the fence painted, thed, the lawn mowed or your favourite gazebo erected, ask your buffer half to get it done. Put on your sexiest swimwear and order them around the garden while seductively sliding ice cubes over your body. Tell them when they're finished sweating it out in the garden they can quench their thirst by licking your drink from your body. If you're the one who likes to do all the hard graft around your house, then simply make the bargain work in your favour.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

Two pairs of wandering hands are better than one get jobs done faster by stripping off and climbing into a pair of sweaty overalls too. Your hot-house help won't be able to keep their hands off you as you hammer, nail, and erect all kinds of hard and heavy things in your back garden.


FRUGAL RATING:

***

Home repairs are costly at the best of times, so make sure you get as much banging for your buck as possible.


Double Dip Impressions


Inject some colour into your home and some sexy time into your interiors.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A bucket of paint (go for something water-soluble that neither of you are allergic to this is just for fun and no one likes an unsightly rash!)

• A cover for your floor

• A wall you want to decorate

• A ladder


WHAT TO DO:

No need to call in professional painter/decorators when you want to brighten up your home, instead save a fortune by suggesting a sexy DIY session with your partner. Use your hands to cover each other's bodies in t in the paint while kissing, then, when your partner's turned on and ready to decorate you, have them press the front of your body up hard against the bare wall, while touching, licking or penetrating you from behind. Roll around together and push their back up against the wall so you can go down on them, and then cover each other in more paint and repeat. For athletic decorators, use the ladder as a prop ask your sex god or goddess to straddle it, pole dance with it, rest on it while they go down on you, and if you have the time, climb it to decorate up high. This wet, messy activity will leave your walls looking like amateur hour, but your inner walls or bulging brush feeling like they've had a thorough seeing to.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

Reward your hard, hard work with a long, sexy soak in the bath scrub each other good and proper to get rid of all that paint in hard to reach places.


FRUGAL RATING:

*

Your walls are going to look like a chimpanzee had his wicked way with a can of paint, so you might want to consider redecorating (with your clothes on) sometime soon.


Hello, mr Bond


TV licenses are for boring people who aren't getting any. That's not you.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A sexy costume (think Bond girl/007, Lara Croft/Jack Sparrow, Jessica Rabbit/Superman)

• Any props to bring your character to life


WHAT TO DO:

If you're watching TV with your partner, chances are you're not having sex. Pull the plug on your overpriced TV license and bid farewell to no-nookie nights by creating your own erotic programming schedule. Get your partner a drink and make sure they're sitting comfortably on the e sofa. Give them a choice of sexy-sounding channels to choose from and then go get dressed up in an orgasm-inducing character costume from a TV show or movie. When you enter the living room, improvise a scene in character and involve your partner in the charade. Keep the role-play going as long as possible, before you finally can't help yourself and grab your partner on the sofa for some living room loving. There's no TV show on the planet that wraps its legs around you (or that will do things to your erogenous zones with its mouth), so we can guarantee your partner won't want to channel surf any time soon.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

You might have cut yourselves off from the passion-killer that is TV, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a little audiovisual stimulation. Pick up a sexy flick or porn movie on DVD and enjoy even more intimacy for a fraction of the cost.


FRUGAL RATING:

****

So long, farewell to costly TV bills, movie-night popcorn and Cokes and say hello to a far more intimate viewing experience.


QUICK WIN TO GET IT IN


Backwardation Relations

Scrub the dishes while your lover, um, scrubs your dishes.

Your dishwasher is rinsing away your cash flow, but doing the washing up is completely unsexy, right? Or so you thought! Tell your partner you'll do the dishes if they stand behind you and make it worth your while. With your hands elbow high in rubber gloves and greasy water, you'll be helpless to their advances. Wiggle your butt or flex your rock-hard cheeks to draw them close and then try to scour that baking tin clean while your partner teases your nipples, thrusts their hand inside your underwear and finally pulls off your clothes and does sexy things to you from behind. We bet that from now on you'll be making a full-on roast every Sunday, so the washing up takes all afternoon.

CHAPTER 2

KEEPING IT UP APPEARANCES


It's no surprise that you and your partner spend your disposable incomes on new clothes, beauty products, and stylish gadgets just look at you, you're gorgeous, but do you remember the last time someone went down on you at the mall or you orgasmed while trying on a new (overpriced) dress or designer suit? Exactly. Try out these activities and enjoy fashion and beauty while getting yours.


Trim the Hedge Fund


You may be poor, but an overgrown bush is more a sign of laziness than poverty.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A well-grown hedge (of the lady/man-garden variety)

• Your preferred hair removal equipment

• Accessories of your choice glitter, vajazzle jewels, leaves, etc.


WHAT TO DO:

Although it's quite the delight to have a complete stranger tear the roots (and your very soul) from your hairy love zone (or your partner's), you will always pay a premium for professional service and at times like these cutting back is the only way you can afford to get a down-there haircut. Trim that hedge on the cheap and reap the rewards of frugality, by insisting your partner has to give you the trim and treatment you desire if you like your bush bushy then insist on doing theirs instead. Make it clear that if they want to see your noo-noo looking its best (or if they want theirs to dazzle), they have to do the dirty work themselves or let you show of your topiary skills. Make sure whoever's going to be removing the hair is fully briefed and that they have all the DIY tools of the traderade they require. Guaranteed whether you're tidying up their garden or they're mowing yours, you'll both have so much fun the recipient will soon be asking for a quick tidy up on a regular basis. Although it may not be the life you're both accustomed to, the private gardener is sure to get turned on after giving their lover's hedge the royal treatment.


SEXONOMIC BONUS:

Make sure whoever's doing all the hard labour takes a break and has their tackle treated to some attention of its own, as a reward for stripping the other person bare and saving cash.


FRUGAL RATING:

**

This might not be the pain-free experience you/they hoped for, and you're still going to have to fork out for all the essentials, but it beats being broke or walking around with a brimming bush.


Boom and Bust


AKA how to get your lover in the mood without spending a fortune on sexy undies.


YOU WILL NEED:

• A shopping centre

• A willing partner

• An ounce of confidence


WHAT TO DO:

Sexy silky bras, lace-trimmed panties and tight Calvin Kleins are the aphrodisiac of the wealthy. Why waste your time picking out sultry suspenders, come-to-bed corsets or burly boxers if you partner's just going to rip them off to get to the good stuff? Follow these simple instructions and achieve the same titillating effect without spending a thing. Take your partner to the nearest shopping centre and head straight to an underwear shop or lingerie department. Walk around the shop together picking out all the sexiest and most expensive items you can find (for him, for her, or for yourself), telling them how hot they are and howhow naughty they or you will look in them. Head to the changing room to try them on (or get cozy in the waiting area if your partner is more in the purchasing mood) and have your partner sit on one of those little chairs just outside. Whichever one of you is trying on clothes gets dressed up in each ensemble, and then stands in the entrance to the changing room so their partner can see how hot they look. (If this is out of either of your comfort zones, then just flash a shoulder, leg or booty shot from the dressing room door.) Politely hand all the items back after you're done and head to the next shop. Before your parking ticket is up you'll both be ready to hop in the car and drive home for some post-window-shopping sex.


(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Recession Kama Sutra by Sarah Herman. Copyright © 2012 Summersdale Publishers Ltd. Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Sarah Herman is the author of Do Worms Have Willies and Even Naughtier Games for Grown-ups

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