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THE RICK & BUBBA CODE
By Rick Burgess Bill Bussey Marth Bolton
Thomas NelsonCopyright © 2007 Rick Burgess
All right reserved.
Chapter OneDISADVANTAGES TO BEING A MAN
Here's just a portion of the ever-accumulating list.
1. In an emergency, it's "Women and children first."
Who made up this rule? Obviously a woman. Or a child. It certainly couldn't have been a man. After all, man was created to survive. It's the "survival of the fittest," not the "demise of the most polite." We suspect some woman probably made up this rule during some long-ago emergency, and the men standing around at the time were too weak to object.
We are not weak men. In fact, whenever I (Rick) am on an airplane, I always look around and make sure I'm in a position where I can take anybody that's between me and one of the exit doors. I realize this sounds a bit self-centered, but it's simply survival instincts. It's also for the greater good of the others on the plane. I know if I can get out of that airplane first, then I'll be in a position to run to a nearby farmhouse, have a soda, and then call 911. (In an emergency situation I have been known to drink an entire can of soda in five seconds flat.) The rescue team would be on its way for the others in no time at all.
Another reason whyI should be the first one off the plane is because when the elderly lady sitting in the emergency row next to me starts shoving the passengers out the door and down that big yellow slide, there needs to be someone at the bottom who is strong enough to catch them. I couldn't let women and children just tumble down an emergency chute with no one down there to catch them. That's not the kind of stock I'm made of. I would stand there dutifully waiting for that first big guy to come sliding down and then assign him the job while I looked for my luggage.
It would work the same if I were on a cruise ship. If I have to knock a few others out of the way so I can get into the lifeboat first in order to help those behind me, well, then so be it.
Never let it be said that Rick Burgess wasn't willing to put his safety first for the ultimate safety of the masses.
2. Men have to take out the garbage.
Again, who decided that this would be the man's job? The bottom of the bag can rip open just as easily for us as it can for our wives. We're not even the ones filling the bags either. Our trash rarely makes it into the trash containers in the first place. Should the pain of all those missed "baskets" be compounded with having to haul the trash bags out to the curb, too?
Like other men, taking out the garbage is my (Bubba) job. And like other men, I didn't even get a vote. Every Monday morning it is incumbent upon me to see that the garbage cans make it to the street. According to the Betty Bussey Family Proclamation, I handle everything outside the house; she handles everything inside the house. But the garbage cans, which are technically both inside and outside the house, have been declared my responsibility. There's no bucking it: It's written in ink, with calligraphy.
For years I operated under the mistaken assumption that writing a book and having a radio and television show was a big deal to my wife. I have since learned it is not. In fact, when our first book came out, Betty lovingly said, "That's wonderful, honey. But you're still rolling the trash can to the street!"
If this book sells a million copies, it will still be, "That's wonderful, honey. But you're still rolling the trash can to the street!"
If I win the Nobel Prize for literature, she will send a note up to me right in the middle of my acceptance speech, reminding me that my true calling involves cans filled with banana peels, Twinkie wrappers, and toilet paper rolls.
After all, Betty takes this job of mine seriously. It doesn't matter how successful I become in life. In the end, my total worth will be judged (as it is each week) by one standard alone: whether or not I have taken out the garbage.
3. There are no sofas in men's restrooms.
Okay, ladies, this one's a fairness issue. Each of us has accidentally walked into enough of your restrooms to know that we men are being shortchanged in the public restroom department. Your facilities are clean, some smell like flowers or sea breezes, and a good number of them have sofas. This is in addition to working toilets, filled soap and paper dispensers, faucets that you can turn on and off, and the occasional bottle of hand lotion.
Men don't get any of that. The attendant checklist on the wall of the average men's restroom has a last entry of June 12, 1998; the soap dispenser will be empty and crusted over; the faucet-if it's even running-will squirt water in six different directions; and you will never ever find anything that even resembles a sofa.
As for aromas, our status as Southern gentlemen keeps us from going into detail. Just know this: if you've ever wondered why men's restroom lines move a lot faster than women's, the answer is simple-a man can only hold his breath for so long.
4. Even if we fall from thirty-foot scaffolding, we are not supposed to cry.
I don't know who made up the rule about men not being allowed to cry, but again, not fair. The fairer Kleenex-toting sex has known for centuries that sometimes in life, you just have to cry. After all, you can't watch your team lose the Super Bowl by a field goal and not show some sort of emotion. And you should see us bawling every April 15th.
The fact of the matter is, we (Rick and Bubba) do cry. And we're man enough to admit it.
5. Unlike women, we can't flirt our way out of a traffic ticket.
A cop pulls a pretty girl over for running a stop sign. The girl smiles (or cries), bats her eyelashes a few times, and the cop might let her off with a warning. This same cop pulls a guy over for the exact same infraction . . . and it's life with no chance of parole.
6. We have to take orders from women.
All our lives it seems that we men have been taking orders from a woman. When we were young, we took them from our moms. When we grew up and got married, we started answering to our wives. Now for me (Bubba), it's my cute little seven-year-old daughter, Katelyn, who is starting to order me around. My goal in life is to someday be the one in charge before I die. ... that is if it's okay with my mom, Betty, and Katelyn.
Note: We originally planned to have twenty items on this list, but we couldn't finish it. Bubba had to take out the trash, and Rick's wife said that six was plenty.
Excerpted from THE RICK & BUBBA CODE by Rick Burgess Bill Bussey Marth Bolton Copyright © 2007 by Rick Burgess. Excerpted by permission.
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