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The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms Series #16)
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The Riptide Ultra-Glide (Serge Storms Series #16)

3.6 24
by Tim Dorsey
 

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Welcome to Paradise!

Freshly laid-off Wisconsinites Patrick and Barbara McDougall are going to sunny Florida for a modest romantic vacation. But the motel they picked isn't quite a pastel paradise, and they have to be midwesterners and make the best of a bad situation. Except bad goes to worse, and a string of misfortunes renders them unable to leave the state.

Overview

Welcome to Paradise!

Freshly laid-off Wisconsinites Patrick and Barbara McDougall are going to sunny Florida for a modest romantic vacation. But the motel they picked isn't quite a pastel paradise, and they have to be midwesterners and make the best of a bad situation. Except bad goes to worse, and a string of misfortunes renders them unable to leave the state.

Meanwhile, the next Mexican-American War is being fought, this time in Fort Lauderdale, between the Kentucky mafia and the Oxy cartel over control of the lucrative pain clinic market. Latinos are turning up dead, hillbillies are wandering the beach trampling sand castles, and cops continue arresting doctors wriggling out of office windows.

But it's never really a party until Serge and Coleman arrive. Cruising down U.S. 1, Captain Florida and his perpetually altered sidekick are on a mission to film the best reality show ever!

Back at their motel, the McDougalls are peeking out the curtains. They've become very popular, especially with Serge, who believes he's found the perfect stars for the pilot of his new TV series.

Are the McDougalls safer with Serge or should they take their chances on the mean streets?

Will Coleman get tired of signing autographs?

Can pelicans be used as murder weapons?

Is time running out for our heroes?

And, finally, the question still on everyone's lips: What's up with Florida? Stay tuned for all the answers in . . . The Riptide Ultra-Glide!

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Bestseller Dorsey serves up his usual mix of mayhem and mirth in his 16th Serge Storms thriller (after 2012’s Pineapple Grenade). As Serge—accompanied by his stoner companion, Coleman, who acts as straight man and one-man audience for Serge’s frequently baffling behavior—travels through Florida, he spouts weird bits of state history and dishes out inventive and unusual punishments to annoying miscreants. In particular, Serge, who aims for his own reality show (“You have to fake a lot of stuff”), deals with a beach bully, a rip-off artist preying on the elderly, incompetent doctors, shyster lawyers, pain clinics, and a budding turf battle between the Kentucky mafia and Mexican drug lords. Meanwhile, laid-off Wisconsin school teachers Barbara and Patrick McDougall embark on a Florida vacation that they will regret. Serge, the McDougalls, and the warring traffickers collide on a course that proves often hilarious and sometimes fatal. 10-city author tour. Agent: Nat Sobel, Sobel Weber. (Feb.)
Kirkus Reviews
Still thinking globally, but now acting locally, Serge Storms (Pineapple Grenade, 2012, etc.) turns his admittedly limited attention to the section of U.S. Highway 1 that goes from Fort Lauderdale to the Keys. Often confused by ill-informed tourists with Highway A1A, which actually does run along the ocean, U.S. 1 is home to gas stations, strip malls and seedy hotels. Perfect spot, thinks Serge, to film a reality show. So he packs his wingman Coleman into a '72 Corvette Stingray and heads down to Florida City, stopping at iconic spots like the Last Chance Saloon to film staged dust-ups with his spaced-out pal. Unfortunately, his foray into reality TV is constantly interrupted by, well, reality. A car chase ends abruptly in Lake Surprise. Crowds of awestruck stoners accost Coleman after he appears on the cover of High Tides. Eventually, Serge and Coleman get caught in the crossfire between drug kingpin Gaspar Arroyo, who runs a chain of shady pain clinics that specialize in dispensing OxyContin, and Catfish Stump, who moves the drugs from Lexington to Ocala in shipments of horse blankets. Also in the cross hairs are Patrick and Barbara McDougall, special educators vacationing in Florida after losing their jobs to Wisconsin's move to Right-to-Work. But their students' severe behavior problems are nothing compared to the mayhem they encounter when they book a stay at the Casablanca Hotel, right in the heart of U.S. 1. Filming and dodging bullets give Serge scant time for his other favorite hobby--vigilante justice--keeping the body count relatively low in Dorsey's stripped-down 16th.
New York Times Book Review
“Nutty… inspired”

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780062092786
Publisher:
HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
01/22/2013
Series:
Serge Storms Series , #16
Pages:
294
Sales rank:
1,086,072
Product dimensions:
6.20(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.00(d)

Read an Excerpt

The Riptide Ultra-Glide


By Tim Dorsey

HarperCollins Publishers

Copyright © 2013 Tim Dorsey
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-06-209279-3


7
Chapter ONE
ONE MONTH EARLIER
A fisherman found the body in the mangroves just before dawn.
Actually, tiny crabs found it fi rst. Th e tide had ebbed from an
inlet near the top of the Florida Keys, and the muck began to give off
that funk. Th e homicide was what authorities like to call a classic case
of overkill. But they were still stumped about the specifi c cause of death
because of the way . . . well, it's complicated. And all this didn't happen
until tomorrow. Right now the victim was still very much alive, and the
residents of Key Largo had their attention on something else . . .
At the very bottom of the state— below Miami and the zoo and the
Coral Castle and everything else— sits the tiny outpost of Florida City.
Last stop. Nothing below on the mainland but mangroves and swamp.

8 TIM DORSEY
Th ere was some agriculture and migrants on the outskirts, but
mainly it was just a short tourist strip where the end of the state turn-
pike dumps motorists into a cluster of economy motels and convenience
stores: a fi nal gas- up, food- up and beer- up before the long, desolate run
to the Florida Keys.
Sportsmen bashed bags of ice on the curb in front of a Shell station,
college students toted cases of beer, and a '72 Corvette Stingray fl ew
south doing eighty. It ran a red light and was pushing a hundred by the
time it passed the last building— the Last Chance Saloon— and dove
down into the mangroves.
Th e driver looked in the rearview. Faint sirens and countless fl ash-
ing blue lights a mile behind. He fl oored it.
Coleman leaned back and shotgunned a Schlitz. “Serge, do you
think we'll ever be caught?”
“ 'Caught' is a funny word,” said Serge. “Most criminals catch
themselves, like getting stuck at three a.m. in an air duct over a car-
stereo store, and the people opening up in the morning hear crying
and screaming from the ceiling, and the fi re department has to get him
out with spatulas and butter. If your arrest involves a lot of butter, or,
even more embarrassing, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, then you actu-
ally need to go to jail, if for nothing else just some hang time to inner-
refl ect.”
“Th ose cops are still chasing,” said Coleman, fi ring up a hash pipe.
“Where did they all come from?” Serge leaned attentively. “Th ere
was nobody following, and then, bam! Th e road hits Florida City and
suddenly it's like a Blues Brothers chase back there.”
“Florida City?” Coleman dropped a Vicodin. “So that's what that
string of motels is called?”
Serge nodded. “Actually a funny story. Used to be called Detroit.”
Coleman swigged a pint of Rebel Yell. “Now you're making fun of
me because I'm wrecked.”
“Swear to God. You can look it up,” said Serge. “I wouldn't shit
you.”
“I know,” said Coleman. “I'm your favorite turd.”
“And naming it Detroit wasn't even an accident, like the other

THE RIPTIDE Ultra-Glide 9
times when two pioneer families set up shop in the sticks and there's
no one else around to stop them, and they're chugging moonshine by
the campfi re, 'What should we call this place?' 'Fuck it, I already spent
enough eff ort today running from wild pigs,' and then you end up
with a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas— you can look that up, too.
Except modern- day Florida City started as an ambitious land develop-
ment with hard- sell advertising and giant marketing geniuses behind
the project. Th en they had the big meeting to concoct a name: 'I got it!
What do people moving to Florida really want? To be in Michigan!' ”
“Bullshit on Michigan,” said Coleman.
“Th at was pretty much the universal consumer response back in
1910,” said Serge. “But I still can't wrap my head around that manage-
ment decision to name it Detroit. Th e brain wasn't engineered to deal
with that rarefi ed level of dumbness.”
“Sounds like they were all on acid,” said Coleman.
“Exactly,” said Serge. “So here's what I think really happened: Th e
top guy mentioned the name, and everyone else obsequiously nodded
and went along with the idea like they do around Trump, and then
months later they take the train south, and the main cat sees the signs
at the city limits: 'You idiots! Th at was sarcasm!' ”
“Th e cops are still back there,” said Coleman.
“Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running aft er
sticks,” said Serge. “Th ey probably don't even know why they do it.
Th ey just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who
isn't behind the wheel says, 'Why are we stopping?' 'Something inside
just told me to because there's a really cool crash up ahead. It's weird; I
can't explain it.' ”
“I hope we never get caught,” said Coleman.
“Th at would be my choice,” said Serge. “Unfortunately, a lot of
people are looking for us, and heading down to the Keys is never a good
call when you're on the run.”
Another Schlitz popped. “Why?”
“Geography. Th ere's just one road in and no way out, so it's a fool's
move,” said Serge. “Except in our case, because I can line up some boats.
I know these guys.”

10 TIM DORSEY
“Th e cops are getting closer.”
Serge gestured with the book he was reading. “Turn up the volume
on the TV.”
Coleman twisted a knob. “Th at Corvette is really fl ying.”
“I love watching live police chases on TV,” said Serge. “You usually
have to live in California.”
“Th ey have more helicopters out there,” said Coleman.
“But our Channel Seven whirlybird is staying right with him,” said
Serge. “Down the Eighteen Mile.”
“What's that?”
“Th e name for
(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Riptide Ultra-Glide by Tim Dorsey. Copyright © 2013 Tim Dorsey. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Tim Dorsey was a reporter and editor for the Tampa Tribune from 1987 to 1999, and is the author of fifteen novels: Pineapple Grenade, When Elves Attack, Electric Barracuda, Gator A-Go-Go, Nuclear Jellyfish, Atomic Lobster, Hurricane Punch, The Big Bamboo, Torpedo Juice, Cadillac Beach, The Stingray Shuffle, Triggerfish Twist, Orange Crush, Hammerhead Ranch Motel, and Florida Roadkill. He lives in Tampa, Florida.

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The Rip Tide, Ultra-Glide 3.7 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 23 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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ReadersFavorite More than 1 year ago
Reviewed by Alice DiNizo for Readers' Favorite Tim Dorsey writes humorous thrillers that are off-beat and amusing, and in his "The Riptide Ultra-Glide" he has written another goofy but well-written novel featuring Serge and his sidekick Coleman. Serge and Coleman are in Florida hoping to create a reality TV show rivaling what is currently on television. Up to their usual hijinks, Serge and Coleman begin by kidnapping the rude man in front of them at an ATM and so the story continues on its way. Meanwhile Barbara and Patrick McDoughall of Wisconsin are vacationing in Florida after being laid off from their teaching jobs working with kids who are developmentally disabled. Barbara and Patrick have lost some of their luggage but they continue with their vacation plans, staying at Casablanca where their reservation is lost, their identification possibly stolen, and unknown people keep telephoning them or knocking on their hotel door. Strange people such as Kentuckian Catfish,Gooch, Gaspar, Dr. Arnold Lip who is a totally unqualified doctor. and a host of policemen as well as drug dealers keep the story moving along as cars crash and bullets fly. Tim Dorsey's "The Riptide Ultra-Glide" is a hoot of a story, well-written and filled with unrealistic but totally believable characters. Serge and Coleman, Bar and Patrick McDougal, Catfish and Gaspar, Arnold Lip and Hagman Reed are all people the reader will enjoy reading about but will be delighted that they are not close neighbors. The dialogue is quite appropriate to the text and the plot proceeds with completely unexpected twists and turns to the end. All in all, "The Riptide Ultra-Glide" will delight those readers who seek the extraordinary in the books they select.
tedfeit0 More than 1 year ago
There’s nothing sane about a novel featuring Serge A. Storms and his sidekick, Coleman. There usually is a plot, but the real show is the madcap escapades and far-out situations described. And no less so are the irreverent observations from Serge’s mouth. Too numerous to mention. As in the former entries in the series, this novel takes place in Florida, giving Serge the opportunity to hold forth on the many locales and highlights of the State. It begins with Serge and Coleman driving down to the Keys, filming what is to be a reality show on a camcorder. And the rest of the book, of course, turns out to be surreal, when a couple of teachers from Wisconsin lose their job and decide to go to the Sunshine State on vacation. Instead they become embroiled in the midst of two gangs fighting for control of drug traffic. It remains for Serge to rescue them. The novels in this series are not particularly easy reading because much of the time Serge’s observations and comments are so outlandish that the reader has to stop and regroup. But, crazy as it sounds, most of the time they make sense. Nevertheless, a Serge A. Storms novel is always enjoyable. And recommended.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Serge and Coleman never disappoint!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Tim Dorsey only gets better.  I have read all his books and this is my favorite.  Keep them coming, Tim!
Judy15 More than 1 year ago
I have not read one of Tim Dorseys book that I did not enjoy. I pick it up and dont want to put it down. Really enjoyed him at the book signing tonight too. Thanks to Barnes and Nobles for having him.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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OrmondDixieDeb More than 1 year ago
Tim Dorsey is the Salvador Dali of authors, in my opinion. How does he come up with these things? He intertwines the various characters in most creative ways. This is a laugh out loud book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Really enjoy this series.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A must read to keep up with the wild ones adventures. Very easy read and a good book to relieve stress and escape from the real world for a while.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
After reading a quarter of the book, I just gave up. A total waste of time. The story line was just to unbearable to read any more. I should ask them to pay me for trying to read this one.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is the same formula as his last several books. It is getting hard to discern on book from another. No more originality. Seems like he wrote this to get another paycheck than to create something fresh.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
When I truly understand my opponent I hate him. But at the same time I love him. - Nitro Ultima__________ I was born in Manehatten. Where everyday it was busy on the streets. My father and my mother named me "Winston". At that time Manehatten was full with crime. Many things happenend. I spent my first year living in an apartment. My dad was named Jarvo Ultima. While my mom was named Crystal Ultima. My dad is a pro basketball player being traded all the time. My mom was an Electrical engineer. One dark night my mom was gone. I cried. My dad tried to do everything he could to stop me from crying. I finally stopped. By that time my dad got a call that he was traded from the boston celtics to the Los Angles Lakers. we packed everything we had and moved to L.A. I didn't know what to expect. But instead I got tons of heat. And by my next year things started to change.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
V V N
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
waited a long time for this book, now I just wish I could read it
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
B & n should be shot for even listing this rip off for sale