BN.com Gift Guide

The Secrets Men Keep: How Men Make Life & Love Tougher Than It Has to Be

( 8 )

Overview

All the things that men think and feel-but don't dare to talk about-are explored in this book by the best-selling author of Every Man's Battle, Stephen Arterburn. Significance. Fears. Sex. Communication. Relationships. Work. Commitment. Intimacy. Expectations. Control. Failure. Nothing that drives men, according to a national survey, is left untouched within these pages. But men-and the women who love them-are not left without hope either. For women who long to understand their man better, and for men who aspire ...
See more details below
Available through our Marketplace sellers.
Other sellers (Hardcover)
  • All (69) from $1.99   
  • New (7) from $1.99   
  • Used (62) from $1.99   
Close
Sort by
Page 1 of 1
Showing All
Note: Marketplace items are not eligible for any BN.com coupons and promotions
$1.99
Seller since 2008

Feedback rating:

(1113)

Condition:

New — never opened or used in original packaging.

Like New — packaging may have been opened. A "Like New" item is suitable to give as a gift.

Very Good — may have minor signs of wear on packaging but item works perfectly and has no damage.

Good — item is in good condition but packaging may have signs of shelf wear/aging or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Acceptable — item is in working order but may show signs of wear such as scratches or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Used — An item that has been opened and may show signs of wear. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Refurbished — A used item that has been renewed or updated and verified to be in proper working condition. Not necessarily completed by the original manufacturer.

New
Brand New and Unread! Multiple copies are available.

Ships from: Westlake, OH

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2006

Feedback rating:

(550)

Condition: New
Hardcover New 1591454697 **NEVER READ** Over 1, 000, 000 satisfied customers. SHIPS NEXT DAY from our clean, climate controlled, smoke free warehouse!

Ships from: Lakeville, MA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2008

Feedback rating:

(1783)

Condition: New
New May have normal shelf wear. Fast Shipping.

Ships from: cadiz, KY

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$10.89
Seller since 2009

Feedback rating:

(10631)

Condition: New
New Book. Shipped from US within 4 to 14 business days. Established seller since 2000

Ships from: Secaucus, NJ

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
$12.87
Seller since 2007

Feedback rating:

(23565)

Condition: New
BRAND NEW

Ships from: Avenel, NJ

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
$13.24
Seller since 2009

Feedback rating:

(946)

Condition: New
1591454697 *BRAND NEW* Ships Same Day or Next!

Ships from: Springfield, VA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$22.99
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:

(4)

Condition: New
Hardcover New

Ships from: Ankeny, IA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
Page 1 of 1
Showing All
Close
Sort by
The Secrets Men Keep: How Men Make Life & Love Tougher Than It Has to Be

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK 7.0
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK 10.1
  • NOOK HD Tablet
  • NOOK HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK eReaders
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook)
$9.99
BN.com price
Sending request ...

Overview

All the things that men think and feel-but don't dare to talk about-are explored in this book by the best-selling author of Every Man's Battle, Stephen Arterburn. Significance. Fears. Sex. Communication. Relationships. Work. Commitment. Intimacy. Expectations. Control. Failure. Nothing that drives men, according to a national survey, is left untouched within these pages. But men-and the women who love them-are not left without hope either. For women who long to understand their man better, and for men who aspire to build more successful lives, Arterburn not only delves into their private needs, aspirations, motivations and frustrations but gives perspective on where those secrets come from and how to respond to them . . . to make life and love easier on everyone.
Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781591454694
  • Publisher: Nelson, Thomas, Inc.
  • Publication date: 10/1/2006
  • Edition description: Annotated Edition
  • Pages: 224
  • Product dimensions: 6.20 (w) x 9.10 (h) x 1.20 (d)

Meet the Author

Steve Arterburn is host of New Life Live!, a radio and television program distributed across the country. He is a best-selling author with more than eight million books in print. He is also founder of Women of Faith®, a conference attended by more than four million women since its inception. Steve also serves as the teaching pastor of Heartland Church in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Read More Show Less

Read an Excerpt

THE SECRETS MEN KEEP


By Stephen Arterburn

Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2006 Stephen Arterburn
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4185-3736-4


Chapter One

FINANCIAL SECURITY: NOW AND THEN

When the reporter arrived, Burt was raking leaves around the "For Sale" sign stuck in the middle of his front yard. Earlier that day Burt had received a phone call from the reporter asking if he would share his story. Burt agreed, the reporter wrote the story, and I read it.

Burt had worked for Enron. He had prepared for his retirement with Enron stock that had, at one point, been worth more than $2 million. Burt explained how his retirement fund made him feel free, like the man he had always wanted to be. When the time came, he would be able to maintain a decent lifestyle without financial worries. But within a few months it had all gone away as the story of Enron's failure became known. The reporter wanted to know what it was like for Burt now.

It was like being a fool, Burt had said. He had gone from confidence and pride in the provision and plans he had made to feeling like a fool for entrusting his future to Enron. At first he had been furious and wanted to fight like a man to the death. Then the depression hit and he wanted to die, or at least run. But he stayed, put his house up for sale, and started looking for a job. He explained that in addition to losing his house and his retirement, he had lost his manhood as well. Now all he had was anger, bitterness, sadness, and desperation. And a feeling that all of his hard work had been for nothing. It had all meant that much to him.

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT MEN AND FINANCIAL SECURITY

Kiplinger's Personal Finance magazine published a list of thirteen "scary scenarios" related to personal finances. Number one on the list was "Not Saving Enough for Retirement," and number two was "Outliving Your Retirement Savings." Those are obviously the flip sides of the same coin, but they are different. The first has to do with the discipline of saving, beginning at an early age, while the second has to do with the sometimes daunting task of figuring out which will arrive first: the end of me or the end of money. Related to these two issues was number six on the list: illness requiring long-term care and the financial implications of such a scenario.

The folks at Kiplinger's must have talked to some of the same people—at least some of the same men—we did. In our survey we found that this statement—"Men are fearful about financial security now and in retirement"—drew greater agreement than any other statement in our survey. Specifically, 68.3 percent of the 3,600 men surveyed agreed. (Of the Christian men surveyed, 69.1 percent agreed; of all other men surveyed, 66.2 percent agreed.)

What does this mean? In short, more than two-thirds of all men live in fear of running out of money either now or in the future.

WHAT FINANCIAL SECURITY MEANS TO MEN

Television producer Alan Eisenstock, in his book Ten on Sunday: The Secret Life of Men, tells about the experience of buying his and his wife's dream house in Santa Monica, California. In 1992, the couple lived through the Rodney King riots in L.A., which proved to be the last straw—they needed to move. They found a four-thousand-square-foot, six-bathroom house on several acres with a driveway wide enough for three-on-three basketball games. The asking price was seven figures, but the sellers came down and they signed a contract.

I'll let Mr. Eisenstock take it from here:

It's okay. I can afford it. I'm co-executive producer of a hot new sitcom [A League of Their Own] and the money is rolling in, no end in sight.

What I can't admit yet, what I don't actually know yet, at least not consciously, is that I am miserable.

It's not because of the two mortgages lashed to my back like two grand pianos. There is something deeper, a hole inside me, related to the midlife crisis I am facing and the numbing sense that, despite all the financial success I have achieved, I have, in fact, achieved nothing at all. The work I do, the television show I produce, and the more than one hundred television shows I have written and produced before, throb through my skull in a low-level hum, accompanied miraculously by an obscene amount of money that I receive every week, an amount that no one could possibly deserve. It's like some crazy game that I've gotten stuck in. I really don't want to do this, but I keep playing and they keep paying and I am scared to death to stop. Because if I stop, I'm afraid I will have to give up everything else in my life. I will have to live my life on spec.

After signing the contract to buy the house, Eisenstock and his wife, Bobbie, talk about his fears that they may be getting in over their heads:

"I think we should back out," Bobbie says, hard. "When in doubt, don't." Her motto.

"But you love the house."

"I do. But it's just a house."

Her eyes glimmer with the truth. I look deep into them and see no judgment. She is giving me permission to fail, the okay to walk away.

But I can't.

My upbringing and my gender will not allow me. I am bred to be the breadwinner. The man, damn it. I can't shake that. In the sixties, Ricky Nelson was my role model, but in the nineties I have become Ozzie. I am The Dad. Sire of two children, king of the castle, lord of the debt.

"Let's go for it."

Six months go by, during which they have the house remodeled (... remodeling this house took a lot more money than we thought. Why is that? We had a budget. A drop-dead bottom-line number that we absolutely could not exceed, which we have now exceeded by seventy grand. How did that happen?), and after which they move in.

They had been in the house only a short time when what happened to Job of old happened to Alan Eisenstock:

The next morning I get the word.

A League of Their Own has been canceled after three episodes.

(Job, a man of great wealth, who experienced history's most famous financial reversal, said, "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me" [Job 3:25].)

I hope you caught the part where he said his gender would not allow him to walk away. If you're a man, you get it. If you're a woman, you need to get it to understand your man. Ozzie and Harriet may have come and gone (Google it if you were born after 1970), but the ghost of Ozzie Nelson (and Ward Cleaver and Jim Anderson—Google Leave It to Beaver and Father Knows Best) is still around, reminding men to make good and be the man! Be the king of the castle, lord of the debt.

Fifties and sixties sitcom fathers didn't invent this role, of course. Alan Eisenstock got it right when he said it was a gender thing, not a generational thing. Men and money have been joined at the hip since time began, and basically for the right reasons. Yes, money gets the best of men sometimes. Yes, the love of it is the root of all evil. And yes, contrary to Wall Street's Gordon Gekko, greed is not good.

But what exactly does money mean to men? Simply put, money is a tool in the hands of reasonable men. With it, they can fix things in their domain. They can provide for themselves and their family, which is part of the male thing.

If you live in the kind of subdivision or neighborhood that makes up much of America today—houses on postage-stamp lots with garages that face the street—try this experiment: next time you take a walk after supper, see how many garages you can peer into and spot a large, red, five- to sixfoot tall metal cabinet. That is the classic auto mechanic's tool chest, now appearing in countless garages near you. Is your neighborhood filled with mechanics? Of course not—but it is filled with men. And men love tools. Even though they don't work on their own cars, they collect tools like women collect shoes.

And money is a tool. When a man doesn't have money, or is afraid he may not have enough for retirement or to cover exigencies such as a long-term illness, he gets insecure. Okay, he panics. So much so that sometimes he does really foolish things to get the money he thinks he needs.

The whole nation was amazed by the December 2005 story about Al Ginglen, the sixty-four-year-old grandfather of seven who robbed a series of small banks in Illinois to cover the ever-deeper financial hole he had gotten himself into. The amazing part, of course, was that it was his three grown sons who turned him in after one of the sons recognized his father's picture, taken from a bank surveillance video, on an Internet law enforcement Web site. The sad part was that a grown man lost the primary tool by which men define themselves—money—and turned to crime to get it.

Al Ginglen's sons turned their father in because he had raised them to do what was right. Yet such is the power of money that he failed to do what was right himself. I can't help but think that his amateur burglaries were just an open invitation for officials to catch him and put an end to his out-of-money pain. At least in jail he'd have no bills to pay.

No issue strikes the male heart with such a discordant note as the thought of running out of money either now or in the future. It's not running out of money, of course—it's not being able to secure that for which we exchange money: food, shelter, and the rest of life's needs for ourselves and our families, not to mention the "wants" that our creative minds dream about.

For good or for ill, money is almost a synonym of masculinity. That's good in the sense that a man is motivated to earn money in order to fulfill his responsibilities. But it's ill when money becomes an object in itself, an end instead of a means to an end. Walking the fine line between the two is every man's calling.

NEW DIRECTIONS

If men feel secure when they have the tool of money in their hands, then it's not surprising that a majority of men feel insecure today. For only the third time since records have been kept, Americans recorded a negative savings rate in 2005 of .05 percent. The previous two times this happened were in 1932 (-0.9 percent) and 1933 (-1.5 percent) in the midst of the Great Depression. A negative savings rate means that not only did people not save money overall in 2005, they dipped into their savings to pay for increased spending. (The Commerce Department announced in January 2006 that in December 2005 consumer spending rose 0.9 percent while incomes rose only 0.4 percent.)

With those facts in hand, men who are worried about the present and future state of their finances need to assume they have been issued a wake-up call. It's impossible for men to take advantage of their built-in congratulatory mechanism when they are not being responsible with money. And being responsible means spending less than is earned and laying the balance aside.

Saved money for a man is like that tall, red, metal mechanic's tool chest in the garage. It means being able to go to the cabinet and take out the tool that's needed to solve a problem. For a man to go to the cabinet and not find the tool he needs is an affront to his masculinity. Unfortunately, money that wasn't saved when it was available can't be replaced as easily as going to the hardware store to get a new wrench.

So a new practical direction is needed. Fortunately, there is no shortage of information available to help men gain the upper hand in financial planning. And the very fact that information is so readily available suggests that a lack of know-how is not the problem. Indeed, it suggests that something else is needed: conviction. And for men of faith: faith.

It takes tremendous courage to stand against the financial trends of the day. The over-the-top housing boom of 2004 and 2005 gave most people an excuse to pull the windfall equity out of their houses and spend the money on unnecessary purchases. Or they sold their newly appreciated (and previously adequate) home and moved on up, garnering for themselves a larger piece of the pie—and a more oppressive mortgage to boot. There's certainly nothing wrong with selling at the top of the market. But the trend in society is not to save windfalls, or even hard-earned excesses, but to spend them.

It's true that Jesus said we are to take no thought for tomorrow (Matthew 6:25–34). But that teaching was given in this context: "But seek first [God's] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (v. 33). Therefore, the question is, What does it mean to seek God's kingdom first in order to receive His provision for today and tomorrow second?

With regard to money, it means to live by the teaching of Scripture: Live modest, frugal, generous lives; work and save diligently as an expression of faithful trust; acknowledge that everything comes from and therefore belongs to God; adopt the attitude of a steward—a manager of that which God has entrusted to you—and seek His approval for what you do with that which is His.

NEW CONNECTIONS

Regardless of whose survey you look at, money always lands near the top of the hot-button issues in marriages. And that shouldn't surprise anyone. Whatever is a critical issue in one partner's life is going to become an issue in the marriage. If 68 percent of the men in America are fearful about financial security now and in retirement, I can assure you that 68 percent of the marriages in America have a measure of tension in them as a result.

In 1985, Richard Foster wrote a book titled Money, Sex, and Power: The Challenge of a Disciplined Life. Think of those three subjects in terms of marriage and you'll identify three prime places for couples to either stand their ground or seek common ground. Far too often they stand their ground, holding tenaciously to practices and points of view they either learned from their parents or picked up along the way in life. Most couples enter marriage thinking about money the way their parents did—detailed record keeping or constantly overdrawn; poor credit ratings or great credit ratings; disciplined savers or dedicated shoppers; planning for the future or living for today; hording every penny or enjoying every penny.

Money is a great topic around which to build consensus in your marriage, but it requires making a commitment and connecting with your spouse. The future is coming, like it or not. It's up to you and your husband or wife to decide how you want to spend it.

Ipsos Public Affairs conducted a telephone survey in which they interviewed 1,016 adults ages forty-five to seventy-five. Indications are that there is not a lot of planning for the future going on among pre-retirees. Forty-nine percent of those surveyed had spent five hours or less during the previous twelve months planning for retirement; 18 percent had spent no time. Thirty-one percent of pre-retirees said they would rather clean their bathroom or pay bills than plan for retirement. Thirty-four percent said the most challenging part of planning for retirement is not knowing how much money they would need.

I could cite statistics all day, but they would all reveal the same thing: people don't like to think about the future because it represents a giant unknown. It's easier to live in denial than to make a commitment to gathering the information, creating a plan, and then making the necessary adjustments today to make the plan work in the future. If it's true that two heads are usually better than one (and it is), couples can begin creating their future today by making a commitment to each other to shape the future rather than letting the future shape them.

Merrill Lynch produced "The New Retirement Survey" in February 2005, which charted the changing landscape of retirement in America, especially among the massive generation of about-to-retire baby boomers. Consider some facts cited:

• Seventy-six percent of boomers intend to retire around age sixty-four and then launch into an entirely new job or career.

• Most boomers reject either full-time work or full-time leisure in retirement, preferring a blend of work (part-time or full-time) and leisure. Only 17 percent hope never to work for pay again after retirement.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from THE SECRETS MEN KEEP by Stephen Arterburn Copyright © 2006 by Stephen Arterburn. Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Read More Show Less

Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction: Why Men Keep Secrets....................vii
Chapter 1 Financial Security: Now and Then....................1
Chapter 2 It's a Worker's World....................10
Chapter 3 Parents' Expectations: A Heavy Weight Even for Men....................19
Chapter 4 Who's Bringing Home the Bacon?....................28
Chapter 5 "Me Time" for Men....................37
Chapter 6 Daddy Dearest....................46
Chapter 7 Sharing What's on the Inside....................59
Chapter 8 Wanted: Male Bonding....................68
Chapter 9 Living Well and Long....................77
Chapter 10 Romance and Excitement in Life....................87
Chapter 11 Total Commitment....................97
Chapter 12 Wake Me Up When Church Is Over....................109
Chapter 13 Being a True Spiritual Leader....................118
Chapter 14 Spiritual Inadequacy....................129
Chapter 15 Communicating with Women....................141
Chapter 16 Praise the Performance, Love the Man....................152
Chapter 17 A Matter of Respect....................162
Chapter 18 Meeting Her Needs....................171
Chapter 19 Success: The Intimidation Factor....................181
Chapter 20 Did I Marry the Wrong Woman?....................190
Chapter 21 There's an Ego in My Bed!....................203
Chapter 22 Men Have Sexual Fantasies—So What's New?....................213
Chapter 23 Pornography: A Community Standard....................222
Chapter 24 Must I Take the Lead ... Again?....................231
Chapter 25 Why Appearance Matters....................241
Conclusion: From Secrets to Solutions....................253
Appendix: "Men's Life Satisfaction" Survey....................263
Notes....................275
Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 8 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(3)

4 Star

(2)

3 Star

(1)

2 Star

(1)

1 Star

(1)

Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation

Reminder:

  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

 
Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 27, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)