The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More

( 12 )


  • Don't worry about family dinner.
  • Let your kids pick their punishments.
  • Ditch the sex talk.
  • Cancel date night.

These are just a few of the surprising innovations in this bold first-of-its-kind playbook for today's families. Bestselling author and New York Times family columnist Bruce Feiler found himself squeezed between caring for aging parents and raising his children. So ...

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The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More

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  • Don't worry about family dinner.
  • Let your kids pick their punishments.
  • Ditch the sex talk.
  • Cancel date night.

These are just a few of the surprising innovations in this bold first-of-its-kind playbook for today's families. Bestselling author and New York Times family columnist Bruce Feiler found himself squeezed between caring for aging parents and raising his children. So he set out on a three-year journey to find the smartest solutions and the most cutting-edge research about families. Instead of the usual family "experts," he sought out the most creative minds—from Silicon Valley to the set of Modern Family, from the country's top negotiators to the Green Berets—and asked them what team-building exercises and problem-solving techniques they use with their families. Feiler then tested these ideas with his wife and kids. The result is a fun, original look at how families can draw closer together, complete with two hundred never-before-seen best practices.

Feiler's life-changing discoveries include a radical plan to reshape your family in twenty minutes a week, Warren Buffett's guide for setting an allowance, and the Harvard handbook for resolving conflict. The Secrets of Happy Families is a timely, counterintuitive book that answers the questions countless parents are asking: How do we manage the chaos of our lives? How do we teach our kids values? How do we make our family happier?

Written in a charming, accessible style, The Secrets of Happy Families is smart, funny, and fresh, and will forever change how your family lives every day.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble

• Unhappy families might make better subjects for fiction, but happiness is the goal towards which every parent strives. Not long after top-selling author Bruce Feiler (The Council of Dads; Walking the Bible) began researching family dynamics, he started wondering whether insights gathered in seemingly unrelated fields might provides. By tapping recent studies of how people work best in small groups, he decided that his family could actually benefit from practices developed in businesses, professional sports, and even the military. When first seen, that approach might appear cold-hearted, but when applied, his method actually fostered more success than the uncertain improvisations of most parents.

The Washington Post - Yvonne Zipp
Feiler has an engaging style…and his primary thesis—that people should work as diligently on their families as they do on their careers—is well worth exploring.
“Infused with humor and authenticity. ... Feiler’s unique perspective and voice... sets it apart from other work in both the parenting and happiness genres.”
NBC Latino
“This is the best book I’ve read about how to transform families. … Run, don’t walk, to get a copy” - Bonnie Rochman
"Makes even the most skeptical parent sit up and take note"
Washington Post
“Refreshing. ... Feiler has an engaging stlye.”
“Makes even the most skeptical parent sit up and take note”
Lyss Stern
“I loved this book because it really is a new playbook for the modern-day family, something to counteract the chaos of the digital age.”
Outside magazine
“Not your run-of-the-mill parenting manual. … A practical, entertaining playbook that upends some of the most accepted wisdom in family-rearing today.”
A self-help book with teeth, loaded with examples. ... The Secrets of Happy Families is comprehensive and clear, a how-to guide for dads who may not have realized they needed one.
“Infused with humor and authenticity. ... Feiler’s unique perspective and voice... sets it apart from other work in both the parenting and happiness genres.”
Kirkus Reviews
New York Times columnist Feiler (Generation Freedom: The Middle East Uprisings and the Remaking of the Modern World, 2011, etc.) explores new ideas on family dynamics. Impressed by the amount of innovative thinking in the business world about how people work best in small groups and "[t]rend-setting programs from the U.S. military to professional sports" on being resilient in the face of setbacks, the author was also frustrated by the emphasis of psychologists on the happiness of individual family members. For him, this was not just an intellectual pursuit. He and his wife were struggling to balance the needs of their daughters, demanding jobs and elderly parents. Feiler was in search of an answer to the question: "What do happy families do right and how can the rest of us learn to make our families happier?" His quest began in Silicon Valley, where he sat in on a family meeting patterned on agile development, a cutting-edge program popular in the automotive industry that delegates top-down management-authority for getting a job done. Software engineer David Starr had successfully adapted aspects of the program to his own family. Following his lead, Feiler instituted formal weekly meetings and daily quick reviews with his wife and daughters to evaluate how well his family was functioning. Next, they worked on a mission statement for the family (another idea from the corporate world)--"May your first word be adventure and your last word love"--and a celebrity chef suggested making breakfast the family meal. Feiler picked up ideas from many sources, but in the end, he found the secret to a happy family--not in a set of nostrums or procedures, but in flexibility and a willingness to keep trying. A good addition to the self-help bookshelf.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780061778735
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 2/19/2013
  • Pages: 292
  • Sales rank: 469,093
  • Product dimensions: 6.40 (w) x 9.08 (h) x 1.08 (d)

Meet the Author

Bruce Feiler

Bruce Feiler is the author of six consecutive New York Times bestsellers, including Abraham, Where God Was Born, America's Prophet, The Council of Dads, and The Secrets of Happy Families. He is a columnist for the New York Times, a popular lecturer, and a frequent commentator on radio and television. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife and twin daughters.


Bruce Feiler has turned his curiosity into a career, writing on topics from clowning to Christianity with a sense of wonder, humor and inquisitiveness. Most recently he has become known as both theological tourist and tour guide, exploring Biblical history and its physical and cultural roots in the 2001 bestseller Walking the Bible and in 2002's Abraham: A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths.

Feiler had begun his career writing about another culture with Learning to Bow: Inside the Heart of Japan, a funny and enlightening account of his year as an English teacher in a small Japanese town. The book continues to be embraced by those who want a better understanding of Japanese culture, one spiked with the humor of its alien gaijin observer. Feiler depicted another hallowed educational system in Looking for Class: Days and Nights at Oxford and Cambridge, an account of the author's experiences as a graduate student at Cambridge. Feiler's books educate, but their appeal also lies in the discoveries he makes as someone entering a new situation with natural preconceptions, then having those ideas upended by reality.

Kicking the fish-out-of-water theme up a notch, Feiler joined the circus for Under the Big Top: A Season with the Circus. Here, Feiler showed the journalistic enterprise and mettle that would later figure into his bold journeys through Biblical territory. Spending a year performing as a clown on the Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus, Feiler provides a surprising look at the show, its performers and the often seamy underside that accompanies circus life.

Feiler jumped into yet another milieu with his look at the country music industry, Dreaming Out Loud. Presenting an insider's view of Nashville made possible by his access as a journalist to stars such as Garth Brooks and Wynonna Judd, Feiler puts together of picture of starmaking -- including in his profiles a young talent named Wade Hayes -- and the machinery that runs modern country music. As with his other books, Feiler describes how his notions (he hated country music before Brooks made him a fan) have evolved along with his subject.

Feiler is also an award-winning food writer and journalist who has written articles for major publications such as the New York Times, Rolling Stone, and the New Republic. But he gained a larger audience when he took on his biggest topic yet: the Bible. "Over more than a decade of living and working abroad I found that ideas, and places, became more real to me when I experienced them firsthand....In the Middle East, the Bible is not some abstraction," Feiler wrote in an essay on Barnes & about the origins of Walking the Bible. "It's a living, breathing entity unencumbered by the sterilization of time. That was the Bible I wanted to know, and almost immediately I realized that the only way to find it was to walk along those lines myself."

In taking that walk, Feiler vastly expanded his audience and found himself a subject he would stick with. He was already working on a sequel to the book when September 11 redirected him toward one aspect of his earlier studies: the religious father figure of Abraham. He set out to find hope in this binding tie among Judaism, Christianity and Islam; but found, again, a different picture than the one he anticipated painting. Feiler's education is ours; without him asking the questions, we might not have new insights on cultural fixtures that already seem so familiar.

Good To Know

How he wrote his first book: Feiler appropriated sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov's self-description as an "explainaholic," then explained in an interview with a country music web site how he came to write his first book: "I wrote a series of letters home [from Japan] of the ‘you’re not going to believe what happened to me today' variety. When I came back home, everywhere I went people said to me, ‘I really liked your letters,’ and I would say, ‘Do I know you?’. It turns out that these letters had been passed around. I thought, well, if this is as interesting for me and my family and all of you, I should write a book about [my experiences]."

Feiler, who grew up Jewish in Savannah, Georgia, says that an early encounter with the legend of Abraham was part of a watershed moment for him. The Torah passage he read for his Bar Mitzvah was Lekh Lekha, the story of Abraham going forth from his father's house. He told BeliefNet, "The defining moment of my life was the night of my Bar Mitzvah, when my father pulled me aside at this family gathering, poured me a drink, and said, 'Son, you're a man now, you're responsible for your own actions.'"

Feiler's exploration of the Bible has been confined to the Hebrew Bible, leaving out much in the Old Testament and the entirety of the New Testament; but he told readers in a USA Today chat that he hopes to do a sequel that would take him through the events of Jesus' life.

Feiler is also a contributing editor at Gourmet magazine and has won two James Beard Awards for his food writing.

Feiler says he has traveled to over 60 countries and sprained his ankle on four continents.

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    1. Also Known As:
      Bruce S. Fieler
    2. Hometown:
      New York, New York
    1. Date of Birth:
      October 25, 1964
    2. Place of Birth:
      Savannah, Georgia
    1. Education:
      B.A., Yale University, 1987; M.Phil. in international relations, Cambridge University, 1991

Read an Excerpt

The Secrets of Happy Families

By Bruce Feiler

HarperCollins Publishers

Copyright © 2013 Bruce Feiler
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-06-177873-5




A Twenty-First-Century Plan to Reduce Chaos and Increase Happiness

The tension builds up all through the week. This kid refuses to make her bed. That one won't put down the iPhone. "Wasn't it your time to take out the trash?" "Hey, I told you, stop taking my gum!" "Mommmmmmm!"

By Sunday evening, the family is ready for relief. At just after 7:00 p.m., the sun was setting on the town of Hidden Springs, Idaho, population 2,280, just north of Boise. Two horses were running along a serpentine ridge. Some kids were finishing a pickup baseball game in Dry Creek Valley. But inside a neo-traditional, three-story, caramel-colored house, the six members of the Starr family were sitting down to the most important business of their week: their weekly family meeting.

The Starrs are a typical American family with their share of typical American family issues. David, a balding, roly-poly man with a mustache and goatee, is a software engineer. He's part of the new breed of deeply involved dads who's constantly tinkering with how his family runs. He also has Asperger's syndrome, making it difficult for him to read other people's emotions. He and his wife, Eleanor, are an impressive couple, because she is a woman of almost pure emotion, a flame-haired earth mother eager to spread love and fresh-baked corn bread to the neighbors. A few years after their wedding, David took an emotional assessment test and scored 8 out of 100; Eleanor scored 98. "How do we get along?" they wondered. On top of this combustibility, they quickly added four children in five years— Mason (now fifteen), Cutter (thirteen), Isabelle (eleven), and Bowman (ten). One had Asperger's syndrome, another had ADHD; one was laid-back, another had low self-esteem; one was a star math student who tutored on this side of town; another was a great lacrosse player who had practice on that side of town.

"We were living in complete chaos," Eleanor said.

Like many parents, the Starrs were trapped in that endless tension between the sunny, smooth-running household they aspired to have and the exhausting, earsplitting one they actually lived in. That gap is invariably widest in the hour after the kids get up in the morning, and the hour before they go to bed — the twin war zones of modern family life.

"When you're living in a house where six people are trying to brush their teeth at the same time and everyone is fighting, nobody is happy," Eleanor said. "I was trying the whole 'love them and everything will work out' philosophy, but it wasn't working. 'For the love God,' I finally said, 'I can't take this anymore.' "

What convinced her to make a change was the day David asked each of their kids to describe their mom. Their answer: "She yells a lot."

What the Starrs did next, though, was surprising. Instead of turning to their parents or friends, or trying to find advice in books or on television, they looked to David's workplace. They turned to a cutting-edge program called "agile development" that was rapidly spreading from automobile manufacturers in Japan to software designers in Silicon Valley. Agile development is a system of group dynamics in which workers are organized into small teams, each team huddles briefly every morning, and the team convenes for a longer gathering at week's end to critique how it's functioning. In the workplace, these gatherings are called "review and retrospective"; in the home, the Starrs called them "family meetings."

As David wrote in an influential 2009 white paper "Agile Practices for Families," having weekly family meetings increased communication, improved productivity, lowered stress, and made everyone much happier to "be part of the family team."

When Linda and I adopted the agile blueprint with our daughters, weekly family meetings quickly became the single most impactful idea we introduced into our lives since the birth of our children. They became the centerpiece around which we organized our family. And they transformed our relationships with our kids — and each other —i n ways we never could have imagined.

And the meetings did all this while lasting under twenty minutes.


The institution of the family has undergone dramatic changes in recent decades. From the decline of marriage to the rise of divorce, from the surge of women into the workplace to the novelty of men being more involved in raising children, nearly every aspect of domestic life has been transformed.

Yet through all this, the family has prevailed and has even grown in importance. A 2010 Pew study found that three-quarters of adults said their family was the most important element of their lives; the same number said they were "very satisfied" with their family life, and eight in ten said the family they have today is as close or closer than the one they grew up in.

That's the good news. Now, here's the bad news: Almost everyone feels completely overwhelmed by the pace and pressures of daily life, and that exhaustion is exacting an enormous toll on family well-being. Survey after survey shows that parents and children both list stress as their number one concern. This includes stress inside as well as outside the home. And if parents feel harried, it trickles down to their children. Studies have shown that parental stress weakens children's brains, depletes their immune systems, and increases their risk of obesity, mental illness, diabetes, allergies, even tooth decay. And kids know it, too. In a survey of a thousand families, Ellen Galinsky, the head of the Families and Work Institute and the author of Mind in the Making, asked children, "If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?" Most parents predicted their kids would say spending more time with them. They were wrong. The kids' number one wish was that their parents were less tired and less stressed.

How do we solve that problem, at least inside the home? Part of the challenge has to do with families constantly undergoing change. My favorite line about parenting is from my friend Justin, who has four children. "Everything is a phase," he says, "even the good parts." Just when kids start sleeping, they stop napping; just when they start walking, they begin throwing tantrums; just when they get used to soccer, they add piano lessons; just when they start putting themselves to bed, they begin having homework and needing their parents' help again; just when they get the hang of taking tests, along comes texting, dating, and online hazing. No wonder the great Harvard family theorist Salvador Minuchin said the most important characteristic of families is being "rapidly adaptable." So has anyone out there figured out how to reduce stress and improve adaptability? Yes — in fact, an entire field has been devoted to this issue.

In the early 1980s, Jeff Sutherland, a former fighter pilot in Vietnam, was chief technologist at a large financial firm in New England when he began noticing how dysfunctional software development was. Companies followed the "waterfall model," in which executives issued ambitious orders from above and expected them to flow downward to the programmers below. Eighty-three percent of projects came in late, over budget, or failed entirely. "I'm looking at this and thinking, 'This is worse than flying over North Vietnam.'" Jeff told me one afternoon at his home in Boston.

"There only half the people got shot down!"

Jeff was determined to design a new system, in which ideas would not only flow down from the top but also percolate up from the bottom. Around 1990, he read thirty years of articles in Harvard Business Review before stumbling across one from 1986 called "The New New Product Development Game." The authors, Hirotaka Takeuchi and Ikujiro Nonaka, said the pace of business was quickening and argued that successful organizations were built around speed and flexibility. The paper highlighted Toyota and Canon and likened their tight-knit teams to rugby scrums. "We hit that paper and said, 'That's it!'" Sutherland said. Jeff is credited with applying the word scrum to business. Later scrum fell under the umbrella term "agile development." Today, agile (the word is used as a collective) is standard practice in a hundred countries, and two-thirds of all software is developed using its philosophy. Odds are you used something today, from your cell phone to your search engine, that was built using agile practices. In time, leading firms like GE and Facebook began using them in their executive suites, too.

In many ways, agile is part of the larger trend in society toward decentralizing power. The business guru Tom Peters said "agile organizations win" because they're not bound by fixed rules. They have the freedom to create new rules. A similar evolution has been happening in families for decades, as power has shifted from the exclusive domain of fathers to include mothers and, increasingly, children. Inevitably, fans of agile began to ask whether families could benefit from its practices.

"I began to see a lot of people using agile at home, especially with their children," Jeff told me. Jeff's own children were grown at the time, but he and his wife, Arlene, started using agile to help manage their weekends. They took me into their kitchen and showed me a giant flowchart hanging on the wall. The chart was divided into three columns: stuff to do, things in progress, things done. In the left-hand column, stuff to do, they placed a series of Post-it notes — "animals," "grocery shopping," "Skype with Veronica." When either person begins working on an item, they move it from the first column to the second column; when they finish, they move the note to the third column.

Agile terminology describes this type of flowchart as an "information radiator." Having large, highly visible displays lets everyone on the team track everyone else's progress. "If you have something public like this in your home," Jeff said, "I guarantee you'll get twice as much done. Guarantee."

Their favorite example was their first agile Thanksgiving. "We got everybody together and made a list of what needed to be done," Arlene said. "Food needed to be bought, dishes needed to be prepared, the table needed to be set. Then we created a small team for each item."

"We had this hospitality team led by a nine-year-old," Jeff said. "Whenever the doorbell rang, he would grab people and run to the door. 'Hi! We're so happy you're here. Let us take your coats!' No one has ever felt so welcomed to our house. Everyone agreed it was the best Thanksgiving we ever had."

But of course it didn't go off without a glitch. The team assigned to set the table couldn't agree on how to arrange the place cards. One of the daughters-in-law prefers to sit alongside her spouse, while the Sutherlands prefer to split up the couples. The committee couldn't reach consensus, so they punted, producing a bottle-neck at the table.

"This is where agile is particularly effective," Jeff said. "The next day, at our review meeting, we discussed what happened. First we named the problem. The team doesn't agree on seating. Then we proposed solutions for the next gathering. We can seat couples together, split them up, or mix and match. Then we built agreement, which was to switch off at alternate family functions."

So what lessons did they take away?

"Jeff and I each had difficult upbringings," Arlene said. "Our primary goal as parents was not to set up the same barriers for our children that our parents set up for us."

"That's where agile comes in," Jeff added. "People think it's natural to live in a world in where everyone is dysfunctional. It's not. It's normal for people to be satisfied. All you have to do is remove the barriers that are making you unhappy and you'll be a lot happier. That's what this system does."

In effect, what agile accomplishes is to accept that disorder and order live alongside each other. By acknowledging things will go wrong, then introducing a system to address those wrongs, you increase the odds that the system — in this case the family — can work right.


A similar goal motivated Eleanor and David Starr to make their Idaho home a happier place.

The first problem they attacked was the bedlam in the mornings. David, who had used an information radiator at work, suggested they use one at home. The family sat down and created a morning checklist. The document listed what every kid needed to accomplish before school. They tacked the note on the kitchen wall. Their first list looked like this:


1. Take vitamins or medicine

2. Eat breakfast

3. Shower or wash face and neck

4. Take care of your hair

5. Do morning chores

6. Brush your teeth (two minutes)

7. Backpack, shoes, and socks

What are you having for lunch?

What are you taking to school today?

What are you forgetting?

For the first few weeks, nothing really happened. The kids wandered around in something of a daze, asking what they were supposed to be doing and generally complaining. "And every time they would start milling about," Eleanor told me, "I simply said, 'Check the list.' After a while, I became like a broken record. 'You need to check the list.'" Gradually the kids began gravitating to it without having to be told. "I would say it took about two weeks," Eleanor said. "We had to make a few modifications. The little one couldn't read, so we made some symbols for him. But eventually, it clicked." Boy did it. When I showed up in the Starrs' kitchen at 6:00 a.m. that Monday, five years after this system had been implemented, I was amazed by what I saw. Eleanor came downstairs, made herself a cup of coffee, and sat down in a reclining chair. She remained there for the next ninety minutes as first her two oldest children came downstairs, checked the list, made themselves breakfast, checked the list again, made themselves lunch, checked the list, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, rechecked the list, fed the pets, checked the list one final time, then gathered their belongings and made their way to the bus stop.

Excerpted from The Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler. Copyright © 2013 by Bruce Feiler. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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