The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0

The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0

3.9 211
by Christopher Moore

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'Twas the night (okay, more like the week) before Christmas, and all through the tiny community of Pine Cove, California, people are busy buying, wrapping, packing, and generally getting into the holiday spirit.

But not everybody is feeling the joy. Little Joshua Barker is in desperate need of a holiday miracle. No, he's not on his deathbed; no, his dog hasn't

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'Twas the night (okay, more like the week) before Christmas, and all through the tiny community of Pine Cove, California, people are busy buying, wrapping, packing, and generally getting into the holiday spirit.

But not everybody is feeling the joy. Little Joshua Barker is in desperate need of a holiday miracle. No, he's not on his deathbed; no, his dog hasn't run away from home. But Josh is sure that he saw Santa take a shovel to the head, and now the seven-year-old has only one prayer: Please, Santa, come back from the dead.

But hold on! There's an angel waiting in the wings. (Wings, get it?) It's none other than the Archangel Raziel come to Earth seeking a small child with a wish that needs granting. Unfortunately, our angel's not sporting the brightest halo in the bunch, and before you can say "Kris Kringle," he's botched his sacred mission and sent the residents of Pine Cove headlong into Christmas chaos, culminating in the most hilarious and horrifying holiday party the town has ever seen.

Move over, Charles Dickens -- it's Christopher Moore time.

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Editorial Reviews

Rocky Mountain News
“You’ll laugh your head off. Grade: A.”

Product Details

HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
Pine Cove Series, #3
Edition description:
Enhanced Edition
Sales rank:
Product dimensions:
5.29(w) x 7.91(h) x 1.14(d)

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The Stupidest Angel

A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0
By Christopher Moore

HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Copyright © 2005 Christopher Moore
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0060842350

Chapter One

Christmas Creeps

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Pine Cove, her pseudo-Tudor architecture all tarted up in holiday quaintage -- twinkle lights in all the trees along Cypress Street, fake snow blown into the corner of every shop's windows, miniature Santas and giant candles hovering illuminated beneath every streetlight-- opened to the droves of tourists from Los Angeles, San Francisco, and the Central Valley searching for a truly meaningful moment of Christmas commerce. Pine Cove, sleepy California coastal village -- a toy town, really, with more art galleries than gas stations, more wine-tasting rooms than hardware stores -- lay there, as inviting as a drunken prom queen, as Christmas loomed, only five days away. Christmas was coming, and with Christmas this year, would come the Child. Both were vast and irresistible, and miraculous. Pine Cove was expecting only one of the two.

Which is not to say that the locals didn't get into the Christmas spirit. The two weeks before and after Christmas provided a welcome wave of cash into the town's coffers, tourist-starved since summer. Every waitress dusted off her Santa hat and clip-on reindeer antlers and checked to make sure that there were four good pens in her apron. Hotel clerks steeled themselves for the rage of last-minute overbookings, while housekeepers switched from their normal putrid baby-powder air fresheners to a more festive putrid pine and cinnamon. Down at the Pine Cove Boutique they put a "Holiday Special" sign on the hideous reindeer sweater and marked it up for the tenth consecutive year. The Elks,Moose, Masons, and VFWs, who were basically the same bunch of drunk old guys, planned furiously for their annual Christmas parade down Cypress Street, the theme of which this year would be Patriotism in the Bed of a Pickup (mainly because that had been the theme of their Fourth of July parade and everyone still had the decorations). Many Pine Covers even volunteered to man the Salvation Army kettles down in front of the post office and the Thrifty-Mart in two-hour shifts, sixteen hours a day. Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics.

"Give up the cash, you cheap son of a bitch," said Lena Marquez, who was working the kettle that Monday, five days before Christmas. Lena was following Dale Pearson, Pine Cove's evil developer, through the parking lot, ringing the bejeezus out of him as he headed for his truck. On his way into the Thrifty-Mart, he'd nodded to her and said, "Catch you on the way out," but when he emerged eight minutes later, carrying a sack of groceries and a bag of ice, he blew by her kettle like she was using it to render tallow from building inspectors' butts and he needed to escape the stench.

"It's not like you can't afford a couple of bucks for the less fortunate."

She rang her bell especially hard right by his ear and he spun around, swinging the bag of ice at her about hip level.

Lena jumped back. She was thirty-eight, lean, darkskinned, with the delicate neck and finely set jawline of a flamenco dancer; her long black hair was coiled into two Princess Leia cinnabuns on either side of her Santa hat. "You can't take a swing at Santa! That's wrong in so many ways that I don't have time to enumerate them."

"You mean to count them," Dale said, the soft winter sunlight glinting off a new set of veneers he'd just had installed on his front teeth. He was fifty-two, almost completely bald, and had strong carpenter's shoulders that were still wide and square, despite the beer gut hanging below.

"I mean it's wrong -- you're wrong -- and you're cheap," and with that Lena put the bell next to his ear again and shook it like a red-suited terrier shaking the life out of a screaming brass rat.

Dale cringed at the sound and swung the ten-pound bag of ice in a great underhanded arc that caught Lena in the solar plexus and sent her backpedaling across the parking lot, gasping for breath. That's when the ladies at BULGES called the cops -- well, cop.

Bulges was a women's fitness center located just above the parking lot of the Thrifty-Mart, and from their treadmills and stair-climbing machines, the BULGES members could watch the ins and outs of the local market without feeling as if they were actively spying. So what had started as a moment of sheer glee and a mild adrenaline surge for the six of them who were watching as Lena chased Dale through the parking lot, turned quickly to shock as the evil developer thwacked the Latin Santa-ette in the breadbasket with a satchel of minicubes. Five of the six merely missed a step or gasped, but Georgia Bauman -- who had her treadmill cranked up to eight miles per hour at that very moment, because she was trying to lose fifteen pounds by Christmas and fit into a red-sequined sheath cocktail dress her husband had bought for her in a fit of sexual idealism -- bowled backward off her treadmill and landed in a colorful spandex tangle of yoga students who had been practicing on the mats behind her.

"Ow, my ass chakra!"

"That's you're root chakra."

"Feels like my ass."

"Did you see that? He nearly knocked her off her feet. Poor thing."

"Should we see if she's all right?"

"Someone should call Theo."

The exercisers opened their cell phones in unison, like the Jets flicking switchblades as they gaily danced into a West Side Story gang-fight to the death.


Excerpted from The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Moore Copyright © 2005 by Christopher Moore. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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The Stupidest Angel with Bonus Material 3.9 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 209 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I like this author's work. I listened to a recorded version and found myself wondering if he and I knew some of the same people! Religious folks who are easily offended should probably avoid this one, though the "stupidest angel" in question isn't the central character. A good, funny, light read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
As others have noted, this book is not for the easily offended. If it were a movie, I'd expect an 'R' rating for language, adult-content and violence. (Heresy and sacrelige do not show on movie ratings, but consider yourself warned.) I could barely control laughing out loud while reading this. The analogies, characters, story-line and everything else conceivable had me gaffawing like a psychotic hyena on meth.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Definitely not a lighthearted book for sensitive people. It is warped, a bit raunchy, very rowdy and really really funny.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
"To IKEA!" they shouted; such a great response from an exciting miracle. If you're in the mood for an unlikely holiday gem look no further.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Super demented, a lot of fun, and (strangely) with characters you really come to care about.
lovetoreadAR More than 1 year ago
Okay, before I even started this the author's warning had me laughing and I just knew it'd be good. I was not disappointed. The one liners were hilarious, the characters off the wall and the writing pure Moore genius. I couldn't put it down. From bell ringer brawls, to some colorful and possibly dysfunctional and yet charming couples, angels, zombies (and even the dead were just classic here. IKEA!!!), fruit bats and gluttonous attack dogs, a wild ride of holiday fun and horror comedy. There was a bit of off color humor in spots, but not so bad I couldn't overlook it. If you love his work, you'll want this one for your collection. If you're looking for something fun and different, this certainly qualifies. Some books will have the special bonus chapter. While it ends perfectly fine without it, it's also a cute read if you get the extended version.
JgleJne More than 1 year ago
This is truly a great Christmas story from the mind of christopher moore! I am still laughing over the fruit bat in the book...and i read it like four years ago! you have to read it over and over it is so funny to be sure you get all the jokes!
starbird56 More than 1 year ago
Good intentions don't always lead to good results, as the characters soon learn. There are other works by Moore that I like more, but this one was a fun read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
My personal Christmas tradition every year is to curl up and enjoy this book. Christmas spirit, fruit bats and Ikea obsessed zombies... What's not to love?
Amah More than 1 year ago
*Pretty Darn Funny! Wacky characters! I really enjoy Moore's writing style & these characters are some of his best. I'll probably read it next holiday season.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
So I read this book only because it was chosen by my book club. I am so glad I did! Funny and quick read. I really enjoyed it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I picked up this book on a whim hoping for a light funny read when I was feeling a little glum. I could not put it down! I laughed from beginning to end - literally from page one to the last. I was quoting lines to anyone who would listen with tears rolling down my face and trying to catch my breath! I cannot believe this is my first read with this author. I am definitely getting more from him as soon as I am done writing this review. As I saw on other reviews, I must warn you to not waste your money if you are an easily offended individual. There is cursing and absolute absurdities that would truly offend some. Just read the synopsis of the book, and you will probably know if you would be offended. If you are looking for a fall out of your chair laughing kind of book, this one is definitely for you. Loved it, loved it loved it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Extremely amusing. A new tradition is born. Reading Dickens by the fire? Read a little Moore by the fire.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very warped, extremely funny!!!
LittleLAM More than 1 year ago
The second Christopher Moore book I read - And I def love his writing! I cant wait to read Lamb next =) I love how he ties in characters from previous stories to add an 'inside joke touch' to each book - It is true, it could have been proof read a little better; however, it wont bother you in the least Im sure =) A wonderful, laugh out loud book that I def recommend!
DeDeFlowers More than 1 year ago
I loved this book. It is a fast read and very enjoyable. Chris Moore is a hilarious author. The Stupidest Angel is funny, thrilling and a little touching. It's always fun when Moore's characters show up in other books too :)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I loved Moore's other books, and I do consider him a good author. But I think the Stupidest Angel is probably his worst book so far. The plot is just over the top and it seems to be all over the place in my opinion. His humor and wit isn't as sharp as it is in other books like Lamb or A Dirty Job. It is a quick read and there is some enjoyment to be had, but overall the story and writing is more childish. A lot of characters from his other books make an appearance in this one as is tradition with Moore. If you you're a fan of Moore you may want to read it anyway. I think the main reason it's weaker is because he states someone asked him to write a Christmas story and that could have caused a strain on the brain. Anyway the book is okay, but it's sadly not his best work.
Sean_From_OHIO More than 1 year ago
Christopher Moore does one thing better than anyone, and that's completely saturate the reader with a world. And the world he creates here (or better yet in his previous novels Practical Demonkeeping and Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove) is hilarious. Comedy is the hardest form of entertainment to translate on page because the reader needs to always be on the same page as the author or the jokes will go right on by your head. Here, I was in lock step with Moore. I loved every line on every page. Even the animals are a comedic gold mine. Truly a hilarious masterpiece! A+
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
While this is not his best book, it was a very original idea. Plus is was neat to see a lot of returning characters. If you're a Christopher Moore fan, or just like goofy, off-beat books, you will love The Stupidest Angel.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Nothing has warmed the Christmas cockles of my heart like this book, although there should have been a warning on the cover not to drink milk and read at the same time, lest hilarity get the better of your bovine beverage.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I thought this was the best Christopher Moore book so far. I have enjoyed them all, but this one had me laughing so hard that I had to stop to wipe my tears so I could continue to read. I have read it several times, each time I laugh just as much as the first time. I highly recommend it to those readers that don't take life too seriously and enjoy a demented and funny read!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love CM's books, all oof them!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I did not like this book. The portrayal of Christmas stories to be raunchy is not my idea of a good read. I am only about halfway through and will probably not finish it. Into the Goodwill bag for this book! Maybe someone else will enjoy it better.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago