The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man [NOOK Book]

Overview

A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.

Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew—and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her ...
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The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man

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Overview

A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.

Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew—and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it. When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.

The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle’s model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband’s choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy.

Compassionate and practical, The Surrendered Wife is a step-by-step guide that teaches women how to:

· Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
· Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle, or dismiss their husbands
· Trust their husbands in every aspect of marriage—from sexual to financial
· And more.

The Surrendered Wife will show you how to transform a lonely marriage into a passionate union.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780743211505
  • Publisher: Touchstone
  • Publication date: 2/28/2001
  • Sold by: SIMON & SCHUSTER
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 288
  • Sales rank: 73,636
  • File size: 2 MB

Meet the Author

Laura Doyle is the author of the controversial bestsellers The Surrendered Wife and The Surrendered Single. A popular speaker on relationship issues, she teaches workshops based on her books. She lives in Costa Mesa, California, with her husband.
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Table of Contents


Contents

Introduction

Take the Quiz: How Intimate is Your Marriage?

1. Respect the Man You Married by Listening to Him

2. Give Up Control to Have More Power

3. Keep Surrendering a Secret

4. Take Care of Yourself First

5. Express Your Desires

6. Relinquish the Chore of Managing the Finances

7. Receive Graciously

8. Foster Friendships with Women

9. Resist Biting the Bait

10. Avoid Setting Up a Negative Expectation

11. Stop Reading His Mind

12. Don't Crowd the Setter

13. Abandon the Myth of Equality

14. Set Limits by Saying "I Can't"

15. Strive to Be Vulnerable

16. Admit It When You're Hurt

17. Let Your Husband Be the Children's Father

18. Listen for the Heart Message

19. Take a Feminine Approach to Sex

20. Say Yes to Sex

21. Never Eat Worms

22. Ignore the Red Herring

23. Rely on a Spiritual Connection

24. Let Him Solve Some of Your Problems

25. Be a Diplomat in the Male Culture

26. Measure Your Progress

27. Spend Your Energy Surplus on Yourself

How It Is Now

Appendix: Surrendered Circles

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 61 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(29)

4 Star

(12)

3 Star

(2)

2 Star

(4)

1 Star

(14)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 62 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 18, 2008

    I liked the concept, but she doesn't uphold Christian principles

    In my efforts to be more submissive as a wife, my husband bought this book for me. I was appalled that this is supposedly written from a Christian perspective. Mrs. Doyle recommends letting your husband use pornography. She apparently hasn't read Jesus's condemnation of lust, or seen statistics on the horrors of pornography use, nor read about how pornography use in a marriage harms the intimacy and respect. I would not recommend this book to any woman looking for learning about true submission, which involves submitting to a husband who respects you and is faithful only to you, not entertaining thoughts of other women. Very sickening! I'm throwing the book away.

    4 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 16, 2001

    Time to debunk the junk!

    Approximately thirty years after the baptism of the feminist movement, it's quite unflattering and disillusioning to find that women remain overly hysterical and obsessed with getting married to obtain wholeness. Their need to be rescued by 'Mr. Right' who is supposed to fulfill their dreams and grant them happiness ever after, is now causing married women (that are apparently unsatisfied) to abandon self-esteem, confidence, sense of adventure and passion to pacify their relationship. Women who earnestly believe that 'surrendering' control to a mate will grant them happiness ever after, need psychiatric help ASAP. Women who see the world passing by only in pairs, intend to keep blind faith in an institution that really can't live up to forever placed upon it by society and religion. It's really the time not to 'surrender' but to 'debunk the junk' women are being fed about marriage, romance and happily ever after. Women who prefer to live in the shadow of the lie they regard as more civilized, friendly, and by the way, a lot less scary than the truth sadly demonstrate to the world that they prefer to behave like deaf people with tunnel vision. The author's theory is nothing more than stubborn determination to prolong permanence and demand freshness long after the last piece of wedding cake is stale. It wrongly encourages women to accept a brand of acidic cohabitation that endorses agitated decay as an alternative lifestyle. These women unfortuntely have underdeveloped emotional palates that allow them to choose to be one-half of a very watery couple, rather than to be solo, but savory. Tragically in so doing, women may be unconsciously encouraging a necrotic demise of their spirit that will be extremely difficult if not impossible to resuscitate!

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 15, 2001

    A new and controversial approach to a millenium-old concept.

    This is a rather controversial approach in a time when men on television are depicted as bumbling idiots barely capable of crossing the street or constantly playing the role of the antagonist. Overall I liked the book and felt that it gave new light to the age old (and often misunderstood) biblical principle of submission in marriage. Whether we like it or not, there can only be one head of an organization (marriage, baseball team, etc). Somebody's gotta submit and if you're a Christian, that's the wife. That means the husband is responsible for the health, welfare, and happiness of his wife. That doesn't mean that he's the tyrant screaming 'Where's my chicken pot pie!!' Surrendering, though, is a band-aid in a marriage where the wife is controlling. Controlling women (and men) need a basic course in people skills...Dale Carnegie for instance (Power and Confidence in Dealing with People). So he took the wrong exit on the freeway...big deal!! Turn around!! Is it really worth hurting his feelings over? So he hasn't mowed the lawn in 3 weeks...that is a big deal. Get off your butt and handle your business. So she over-cooked the chicken...big deal. Is it really worth hurting her feelings over? Be grateful that you have a wife that cares enough about you to take the time to cook dinner. If we start prioritizing these issues based on the qualifier 'Is it really worth hurting his/her feelings over?' marriages and relationships will be healed. In first grade, most of us learned to treat people the way we want to be treated. Apparently everyone has forgotten this basic people skill when it comes to their marriage.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 19, 2011

    Better Than Any Marriage Counselor

    This is the second copy of "Surrendered Wife" that I've purchased (I lost my original copy). The title is unfortunate because I feel its turned so many women off. Really this book she be called "How To Live With Your Husband." As a stong-minded woman who married and divorced early in life, I had come to the conclusion I just couldn't get along with a live-in husband or boyfriend and all men were just impossible to understand. I married again and luckily stumbled on this book. It was better than marriage counseling (I ought to know) and a lot cheaper. It showed me how to take a good look at myself, my husband, and how to respect each other. It's not, as the title might imply, about giving up your life and becoming your husband's slave. It's an insight into women and men and how we process information, how we perceive each other, and how to maintain your marriage while being true to yourselves. I refer back to it from time to time for reminders, which is why I'm ordering it again. Want a happy relationship? Give this book a try, making your own modifications where needed, and you might be surprised at how much fun marriage can be.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 26, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Surrendering does not mean being helpless and that is what this book tells us to do

    I was looking for a good book to give to family and friends that would describe the relationship between me and my boyfriend. I had hoped this book would do that. Boy was I wrong. I have not given up my will or ability to think to be submitted to him, never would I do half the things this book suggests because my boyfriend wants me to use my mind to make our life together easier.
    If you like weak, helpless women who's best response is, "What ever you think." then go read the Gor series by John Norman you will get much more out of them.
    If you want to be a submitted woman to your man than look on the internet for Masters And slaves Together International. There you can get much better info than what this book gives you.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 21, 2007

    worth the read

    i feel that this book is definitely worth the read. stick with it. at first you might think her ideas are out there, but they work.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 26, 2005

    practical and enlightening

    This book has helped me in so many ways, i can't even write them all down. Laura hits the nail on the head with issues of trusting your husband (or SO), even to the point of not questioning...it's liberating to let go of your own doubts, and this book encourages that. Way to go, Laura!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 18, 2004

    CRAZY TITLE - BRILLIANT SOLUTION!!

    Wow. I found this book during my darkest days of heartbreak - married 5 years and utterly hopeless that things would change for the better. So when I saw this crazy book I was desperate enough to check into it. After the first few pages the light came on in my mind, and I got so excited as I saw how I participated in creating the frustration, exhaustion, and misery of every day life.*****Now we've CELEBRATED 10 years! I wish I could convey how amazing it is to be passionately in love with a strong, sexy man who knows his own mind and heart, has determination and initiative, and absolutely adores his (very imperfect) wife. Ladies, you can have this too - this is who your man really is inside, if you decide to work on becoming the best you first. This book isn't about some religious gimmick, but I'll venture to say it just might become your Bible for marriage. Enjoy!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 12, 2003

    THANK YOU LAURA

    I read this book more than a year ago and I still have to go back and use it as a reference. This book is EXCELLENT!!! I was raised to be an INDEPENDENT STRONG BLACK WOMAN so when I got married I was an INDEPENDENT STRONG BLACK MARRIED WOMAN. I took charge and control of EVERYTHING which led my husband to be the weak one. The Bible clearly states the woman is the weaker sex. So everything I was raised with was totally against God's Word therefore my marriage was suffering. This book, with God's Will, allowed me to let go! A friend suggested it to me and I have suggested it to another friend whom I saw so much of me in her and her marriage. She just read the first five pages and called me to thank me! Just now I suggested it to two other ladies and I just found out Laura Doyle wrote one for single women. :O YEAH!!! No it wasn't easy to give up so much but it was worth it. I'm less stressed which makes me not only a better wife but a better mother. My husband feels more of the strong one in this marriage, more trusted and more 'manly'...even when he was laid off I didn't take control. My husband is still the head of our household. While so many of our friends are getting divorced...we're getting ready to celebrate our 10th Anniversary. Again, THANK YOU LAURA. I'm not only a surrendered wife but also a HAPPY, STRESS FREE, DEBT FREE SATISFIED wife.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 17, 2003

    Her 'advice' works

    I am a working mother and a feminist and I loved this book. Reading an excellent book is one thing, taking the advice in it, entirely another. I have found that if you are courageous enough to actually DO some of the things (or better yet, ALL of the things) this author suggests, you will see excellent results in terms of an improved marriage and simply feeling better about yourself and reducing your overall stress level. I realize this is a hotly debated book with hotly debated ideas and that the author has no credentials in the area of marriage counseling, child rearing or psychology. I can see her borrowing some ideas from 12-step programs. This is, nevertheless, one of the most helpful books I have ever read on marriage. The only struggle is taking the author's ideas and manifesting them in your own behavior. It takes discipline and it takes courage.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 18, 2002

    My mother is twice divorced--I am not

    I read this book about a year and a half ago, after my husband called me, "controlling." I was shocked that he would think my "strong" personality was so unattractive. Needless to say, after reading the book, my marriage is better than most. I apply all the principals -and find that my husband actually makes better decisions when I don't try to control him. He used to come home from work and sit in front of the t.v. all night ignoring the kids and me. No more! I am no longer "his mother" and now, his loving partner. He does everything for me, (he wants to)and constantly brags about how lucky he is to have me as his wife--now--not then. It isn't about being submissive, and those that think that don't understand the book or don't want to admit they control their husbands. The biggest thing I have learned is to respect your husband, and he will turn the world over for you...Thank you Laura! My three kids will actually have loving parents that stay married. Thank goodness!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 4, 2001

    I find this totally disgusting

    I am a young female, and have no words for a book so dispicable, and so digusting. It is not a woman's position in life to be her husbands slave. Any woman who gave this book more than one star should be ashamed of themselves. This book is basically asking you to turn the calenders back 30 years and everything that feminists as far back as Susan B. Anthony accomplished might as well never have happened.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 5, 2007

    Women, Beware

    If you are married to a man who thinks he is always right because he is male, DIVORCE HIM NOW! You will be much happier, I promise you. My husband and I listen to each other, and work out a solution we can both be happy with. And guess what?? We're happily married! If your husband thinks you having an opinion is arguing, drop him and find a man who knows how to respect you. And for the love of God, please do not compare your household to hens and roosters. Unless you can actually lay an egg, I'm pretty sure this analogy does not apply.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 11, 2002

    Havent read it, but intend to real soon.

    i was never a control freak (or so i think) but with both of us working and his hours being much earlier than mine, i found myself carrying much of the load just cause it was easier, faster, or got done period. but something snapped one day. not me! but something in my mind, my heart. i became much more 'girlie' if you will. which made him feel more 'manly'. i let myself become way more open in feelings, expressing, everything. i said what i felt (good or bad), i did what i felt (good or bad) as far as our marriage, our sex life. if you looked at me i would come across a bit conservative, but when i'm with him, alone, he says i'm his dream come true. i feel (and so does he, cause he told me) much more vulnerable being so open and a bit scared too. but it has brought us so much closer than i have ever been with anyone. my love is so deep for him. funny, i feel like i could conquer the world, but also feel 'weak' but in a good way. make your man feel like a man, and he will treat you like a queen. he surprises me with trips. keeps them secret until the day we leave. i in turn do the same for him now. twice a year we get away and forget everything, everyone else. women: let yourself go, emotionally, be completely totally open and on the vulnerable side. you will see a wonderful change in him and you.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 13, 2002

    Too much surrendering for this wife!

    I saw this book advertised on a talk show, and the host said he didn't like the idea of anyone in a marriage surrendering to anything. However, I did decide to get the book anyway because I knew I was controlling in some issues. The book was a great joy to read at first because it spoke of things like complaining how your husband loads the dishwasher doesn't get you anywhere etc. The more I got into the book, it just seemed to me to say that women need to let their husbands make all the decisions in life to avoid confrontation. The ideas about letting your husband take over certain tasks around the house doesn't work for me either because I am a stay at home mom. When I hear my husband complain about how he doesn't want to do much because he is gone for 12 hours a day it kind of makes it hard to say 'Honey I want you to take over the finances'. Anyway. The book does let women know that all the nagging about pidley things is not worth it. Also the whole phrase 'Whatever you want' just annoyed my husband.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 7, 2001

    Excellent insight into modern and traditional love

    This is a very good book. It offers perspective and insight to assist in rocky areas where partners seem to be in conflict, and not communicating well. The text expresses awkward, complicated issues more easily and speaks to certain fundamental difficulties. Some people (male and female) just are not comfortable expressing their relationship-expectations, espicially in these ¿modern times¿ when roles can be confusing. At the very least, this title and Dr. Julianna Slattery's 'Finding the Hero in your Husband' will raise good questions to be considered and discussed openly with your partner. Assuming that one is willing to put forth the effort and commitment to save their love!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 15, 2001

    This book is not about surrendering to your husband but to your need to control!

    I am really enjoying this book because it is helping me see areas in my life that I find the need to 'control.' This book is not simply about having a happier marriage but having happier relationships with everyone--this book is not about submitting to a husband who makes all decisions but empowering those around you to make their own decisions to to allow us 'control freaks' to relax and go with the flow.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 21, 2001

    A Near Miss

    I'd award this book another half-star if I could, because it is fairly good for what it is. However, the book is narrow in it's appeal and is relentlessly chatty and anecdotal. 'The Surrendered Wife' will be deeply offensive to some, and deeply gratifying to others. Christian women who accept the Pauline doctrine of the submissive wife will find some good ideas about how to live up to that very demanding role, but women who insist on equality and autonomy will reject it. Many men will be thrilled with the idea of women submitting to male authority, but many will not. It is unfortunate that the author seems to think that there are only two kinds of wife (submissive or domineering) and only two kinds of husband (henpecked or masterful); and only one kind of successful marriage. Many women, have found 'intimacy, passion, and peace' with their husbands without submitting to them and without domineering them. My husband and I would both feel that I was shirking my responsibilities as a wife and mother if I said 'whatever you think' as the author suggests, but my friend and neighbor found serenity and joy in her marriage when she 'surrendered' to her husband. In short, if the title offends you, seek advice elsewhere. But if you are not threatened by the idea of deferring to your husband, you will find some solid advice here.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 19, 2001

    It's been said before

    For years I have sat in church and heard this message taught to me about the ideal relationship between a man and a woman [1 Peter 3:3-6]. I'm overjoyed that people are finally starting to realise it in the secular world too. This text is well written and the personal experiences help to make it a practical guide to repairing the rifts that modern society has helped to create.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 19, 2001

    How many of you naysayers have read this book?

    *sigh* It would seem that many of you that are angry have not read the book and are simply basing your opinion on the title. The saying 'Do not judge a book by it's cover' has been around for a very long time, and yet people continue to do so. This is about letting your spouse have the control over their life that you want over yours. Don't tell them their faults. They may not care about what YOU think is a fault, and very likely don't want to be belittled. Don't nag about their choice of clothing. If they like it, who cares what others think? Don't boss them around. Everyone is an independent citizen, and can make their own decisions. The list goes on and on, but the fact is that these days, more and more, women are being domineering in marriages and not men. While men are frequently culprits in these behaviors, the occurrance of John Doormat is no longer a rarity. To put it differently...when was the last time you naysayers asked your husband's permission to do something, and when was the last time he asked permission to do something? As a side note, this applies equally to men and women, but since the market for self help books is dominated by women, it's pointed to them for obvious reasons. I will say that domineering girlfriends are what ended the three relationships before I met the wonderful lady that is my wife. She is strong and rarely bosses me around. I bet we're married for the rest of our lives. Dennis

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