×

Uh-oh, it looks like your Internet Explorer is out of date.

For a better shopping experience, please upgrade now.

The Twitter History of the World: Everything You Need to Know About Everything in 140 Characters
  • Alternative view 1 of The Twitter History of the World: Everything You Need to Know About Everything in 140 Characters
  • Alternative view 2 of The Twitter History of the World: Everything You Need to Know About Everything in 140 Characters
     

The Twitter History of the World: Everything You Need to Know About Everything in 140 Characters

by Kelvin MacKenzie
 

See All Formats & Editions

What if Twitter had always been part of our lives…? Who would say what during wartime? What would Jesus Tweet? And how would history's most indecent of scandals have played out on our computer screens? Kelvin MacKenzie and Chas Newkey-Burden take a 140-character romp through history in this hilarious book. From dinosaurs to Diana, the Magna Carta to

Overview

What if Twitter had always been part of our lives…? Who would say what during wartime? What would Jesus Tweet? And how would history's most indecent of scandals have played out on our computer screens? Kelvin MacKenzie and Chas Newkey-Burden take a 140-character romp through history in this hilarious book. From dinosaurs to Diana, the Magna Carta to phone-hacking, including 'Famous Last Tweets', hysterical hash-tags and salacious 'Follow Fridays', here is the story of the world told via 140 characters or less.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781782190486
Publisher:
John Blake Publishing, Limited
Publication date:
05/01/2013
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
288
File size:
2 MB

Read an Excerpt

The Twitter History of the World

Everything You Need to Know About Everything in 140 Character or Less


By Kelvin MacKenzie, Chas Newkey-Burden

John Blake Publishing Ltd

Copyright © 2012 Chas Newkey-Burden Kelvin MacKenzie
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-85782-822-1


CHAPTER 1

THE WORLD IS CREATED


@God

Been working like a dog for six days creating heaven + earth. Getting the firmaments right was a bitch. Enough already – DM if you need me. 11.59pm, 6 January, 0000

Whether you believe in the big bang theory, or that God created the world in six days, this page represents the day the universe started. This is 'Tweet zero'.


ADAM & EVE

@God

Awesome: @Adam has got a Twitter account, so I'll be able to keep an eye on him and @Eve. Guys, don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge. 8.12am, 9 January, 0000


@Serpent

@Adam @Eve Don't listen to him. Eat from the tree of knowledge all you like. What happens in Eden stays in Eden. 11.44am, 9 January, 0000


@Eve

Wow, the fruit from that tree is #Nom! @Adam had some too. We're both rocking the fig leaf look now. Does my bum look big in this? 2.21pm, 9 January, 0000


@God

@Adam @Eve Erm, remember I follow you guys on Twitter. I saw what you did – you guys are sooo in the crap now. 2.24pm, 9 January, 0000


@Adam

#FML 2.26pm, 9 January, 0000

[Retweeted by @Eve]

This mini-saga of a man, a woman, a snake and a tree is filled with symbolism in the eyes of some religions.


NOAH AND THE FLOOD

@Noah

As if the weather forecast said there was only a 40% chance of rain! Who's even running this show? 11.48am, 12 March, 0000


@DisgustedofTunbridgeWells

I know, right? All this rain but do they cancel the hosepipe ban? Like heck they do – tut! 11.49am, 12 March, 0000


@Noah

It's biblical correctness gone mad. Ah well, best get gathering some animals for the #ark. 11.52am, 12 March, 0000

According to the book of Genesis, Noah saved himself, his family and a whole bunch of animals when the world was flooded.


LOT AND HIS DAUGHTERS

@Lot

Relieved to see the back of Sodom (as it were). Shame my wife became a pillar of salt, but #shithappens. 1.19pm, 30 March, 0000


@Lot

One of my daughters has got me some wine. Gonna push the boat out and get wasted tonight. 6.54pm, 2 April, 0000


@Lot

Major league hangover situation going on today, but my other daughter has also got some wine. I'm badass. 7.02pm, 3 April, 0000


@Lot

You know when you get so drunk two nights running that you shag both your daughters? That. 11.48am, 4 April, 0000

Imagine leaving Sodom only to get caught in a trap of incestuous drunkenness. Funny times.


ASTEROID WIPES OUT DINOSAURS

@DailyExpress

Cave prices doomed as asteroid heads for earth! See pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 – and commemorative 'Oh Crap!' supplement 6.00am, 65,000000 BC


@TRex

@DailyExpress An asteroid? Last week it was Muslims, before that – chavs, before that – dangerous dogs. We're, like, whatever! 6.01am, 65,000000 BC


@Asteroid

Hey @Earth, prepare for the ultimate spam ... 6.29am, 65,000000 BC


@Earth

Oh shit, where's that 'block' button when you need it? 6.30am, 65,000000 BC

Dinosaurs are believed to have become extinct when earth was hit by a huge asteroid approximately 65 million years ago.


MOSES PARTS THE RED SEA

@Israelites

@Moses Okay, looks like @Pharaoh took your #FF a tad seriously and is *literally* following us ... 5.11 am, 1300 BC


@Pharaoh

I'm coming to get you, @Israelites! 5.14 am, 1300 BC


@Moses

Fear not, @Israelites, watch this ... *parts Sea of Reeds* #swag 7.11 am, 1300 BC

According to Biblical legend, as the Israelites fled Egypt they were chased by Pharaoh. When they arrived at the Red Sea, Moses magically parted the waters to allow the Israelites safe passage, and then sent the water crashing over the


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

@Moses

Totally bored on Mount Sinai. Anyone got any suggestions? 12.34pm, 1301BC


@God

@Moses Have no other gods, no idols, don't blaspheme, keep sabbath, honour your parents, no killing, adultery, theft, lies, or envy. 12.34pm, 1301BC


@Moses

@God OMG – will RT and follow you back! 12.34pm, 1301BC

According to the biblical book of Exodus, God inscribed the Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, and gave them to Moses on Mount Sinai.


THE BUILDING OF THE PYRAMIDS

@PharaohKhufu

I need something built. I want it to be 481ft tall & weigh 5.9million tonnes. Can you recommend someone? A Pole would be nice #pyramidscheme 09.15am, 2540BC


@CairoPractors

@PharaohKhufu See ... that's gonna cost ya. We'll need 100,000 men and anticipate it will take around 20 years. Best put the kettle on ... 10.12am, 2540BC


@PharaohKhufu

Labourers, eh? I always feel like they're ripping me off but I feel too guilty to argue with the working-classes ... 10.13am, 2540BC

The ancient Egyptians built pyramids as tombs for the pharaohs and their queens. The best known, built for the pharaoh Khufu, was the 'Great Pyramid'.


PYTHAGORAS' THEOREM

@Pythagoras

Dudes! In a right-angled triangle the area of the square on hypotenuse is equal to sum of areas of squares of other two sides. 12.01am, November 1, 500BC


@Pythagoras

Or, to put it another way, a2 + b2 = c2. Amazing, eh? 12.03am, November 1, 500BC


@IonianTweeter

@Pythagoras Dude, you seriously need to get your leg over. 12.04am, November 1, 500BC

Ancient Greek mathematician Pythagoras could have bested Carol Vorderman when it came to the numbers (but probably not when it came to Rear of the Year contests).


OEDIPUS AND HIS MUM

@Oedipus

#FF @QueenJocasta - now there's a mother I'd love to fuck! #MILF 11.22am, January 2, 492BC


@QueenJocasta

@Oedipus It can be arranged ... 11.23am, January 2, 492BC

An Ancient Greek relationship between mother and son, this fling launched a thousand therapists and - so we hear - more than a few lurid internet videos.


GREECE INVENTS DEMOCRACY

@Pericles

Hello peeps! Am thinking of shaking things up, so everybody has a say in how the country is run. Seems fair, innit. 9.30am, 462BC


@GreekWoman

@Pericles *Everybody*? 9.31am, 462BC


@Pericles

@GreekWoman Well, everybody apart from women, foreigners and slaves. Obvs! 9.32am, 462BC


@GreekWoman

@Pericles This is unfair. 9.33am, 462BC


@Pericles

@GreekWoman Irrelevant. See above. 9.34am, 462BC


@GreekWoman

@Pericles Classy.

The Ancient Greek aristocrat Pericles is credited with inventing democracy, in 462BC. However, not all Greeks were allowed to participate.


#FAMOUSLASTTWEETS (PART ONE)

@Chrysippus

Just got a donkey drunk and I'm now going to get it to eat figs. This is pure ROFLCOPTER! 8.12pm, April 30, 207BC

The Greek philosopher Chrysippus died the way we all should: laughing at a drunken donkey's attempts to eat figs.


THE TRIAL OF SOCRATES

@Socrates

Got to go to court today for impiety and corrupting the youth. Hoping the News of the Screws don't get on my case about the latter charge. 8.11am, March 22, 399 BC


@Socrates

Got off lightly, all things considered. They just want me to drink this hemlock stuff. BRB. 8.11am, March 22, 399 BC

Socrates died after being sentenced to drink hemlock poison. His epitath: 'the unexamined life is not worth living' would have fitted well into a Tweet.


ALEXANDER THE GREAT

@Greece is now following you 336BC

@Egypt is now following you 332BC

@Arabia is now following you 331BC

@Persia is now following you 330BC

@Mesopotamia is now following you 330BC

@India is now following you 327BC

In little over a decade the Greek king Alexander The Great built a massive and formidable empire. He was undefeated in battle.


DAVID AND GOLIATH

@Goliath

I've got a little scrap to attend to today. It will be a breeze, you watch ... 8.22am, April 5, 1018BC


@Goliath

Ah well. Form is temporary but class lasts forever. Or some such. *Embarrassed* 7.42am, April 5, 1018BC

The first great 'underdog' story saw David the Israelite slay Goliath the Philistine.


JULIUS CAESAR

@JuliusCaesar

Feel like 'extending my empire' – so to speak. @Cleopatra, I'm cumming atcha! 3.40pm, June 4, 53BC


@Cleopatra

@JuliusCaesar Dude, keep it for @NicomedesIV. I'm not interested in being your beard. 3.42pm, June 4, 53BC


@JuliusCaesar

For the last time – I'M NOT GAY! Can someone get me @MaxClifford on the phone? 3.51pm, June 4, 53BC


@PeopleOfRome

Ooooohhh – get her! 3.52pm, June 4, 53BC


@Cassius

Hey, @Brutus: normally @JuliusCaesar is like [??] but by the end of today he'll be like ______ 6.12am, March 15, 44BC

Roman General Julius Caesar extended the Roman Empire through France, Belgium and beyond. He had an affair with Queen Cleopatra of Egypt but was also rumoured to have enjoyed dalliances with King Nicomedes IV. He was assassinated by a group of senators, spearheaded by Cassius and Brutus.


THE CRUCIFIXION OF JESUS CHRIST

@JesusChrist

Just had supper with 11 pals – stuffed. @Judas made a pass at me afterwards #awkward 10:02pm 1 April, 33


@JudasIscariot

Thirty pieces of silver – kerching! 10.30pm 1 April, 33


@JesusChrist

Uh oh ... ... 8:40am 3 April, 33


@JesusChrist

I'm back, bitches ... 11:43am, 6 April, 33

Following the Last Supper, Jesus Christ was betrayed by Judas who identified him with a kiss to arresting soldiers, who handed him over to Pontius Pilate. Christ was then crucified and - according to Christian belief – rose on the third day.


MOUNT VESUVIUS ERUPTS

@MtVesuvius

Just to put this out there, I'm in a hell of a mood today. 09.01am, August 24, AD79


@PompeiiPeople

@MtVesuvius Well, get her – someone got out of bed the wrong side today! 09.02am, August 24, AD79


@PompeiiPeople

Erm, what the fuck's that plume of smoke in the distance ...? 09.03am, August 24, AD79

Mount Vesuvius has erupted several times, most notably in AD79 when it destroyed the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum. It caught residents unaware, with a 'plume of smoke' on the horizon the first sign of what was afoot.


THE ROMANS INVENT PLUMBING

@Plumbarius

The way we've linked up these aqueducts and pipes inside people's homes is a bit swag. Soon we won't have to take a dump outside anymore! 5.12pm AD100


@Plumbarius

We're going into business with this. If you want your house plumbed up just come to us. We'll give you a fair price. 5.13pm AD100


@PolishPlumbarius

Whatever price they give you we'll do it for 90 percent less. 5.14pm AD100


@Plumbarius

#FML 5.15pm AD100

The Roman Empire is credited – blamed? – with introducing modern plumbing.


ATTILA THE HUN

@AttilaTheHun

On our way to Rome #roadtrip 4.42pm, March 2, 440


@AttilaTheHun

On our way to Gaul #roadtrip 4.42pm, March 2, 441


@AttilaTheHun

Hmmm, some people got in the way back there. We had to deal with them. #scourgeofgod 4.42pm, March 2, 441


@AttilaTheHun

On our way to Italy #roadtrip 4.42pm, March 2, 441


@AttilaTheHun

Got married today. Thanks for all your congratulatory Tweets and DMs. Hang on, nosebleed ... 4.42pm, March 2, 453

Attila The Hun was the leader of the Hunnic empire and one of the most feared men of his time. The cause of his death, in 453, is thought to be a colossal nose-bleed on the evening of his wedding day.


THE DOMESDAY BOOK

@WilliamConqueror

#FF Can you follow @DomesdayBook and also Tweet them all your landholdings and resources details? K'bye. 9.00am, March 12, 1085

A detailed survey of land commissioned by William The Conqueror, The Domesday Book now lives at The National Archives, Kew, in South West London.


WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER (PART ONE)

@KingJohn

Dudes, I'm going to put taxes up a bit. Well, a lot. #We'reAllInThisTogether #Honest 1.18pm, November 2, 1205

War with France created financial issues for England that King John addressed by taxing people like there was no tomorrow.


GENGHIS KHAN


@GenghisKhan

Can't decide whether I fancy a Chinese, a Thai or an Indian. Think I'll have all three. Get the horses, @MrsKhan 6.45pm, April 4, 1211


@GenghisKhan

Might have an Afghan, actually ... 4.28pm, October 28, 1213


@GenghisKhan

1) Someone said I have a silly moustache 2) So someone got trampled by a horse 3) And so did 40 million other people 9.12am, August 25, 1277


@GenghisKhan

... some cats and dogs might have got caught in the cross-trample, too. #ShitHappens 9.14am, August 25, 1277

Genghis Khan was one of history's great conquerors. He and his army grabbed an empire including much of Asia and ultimately stretching from the Black Sea to the Pacific. His army was so thorough and heartless it would even destroy the animals of the territories it swept through.


THE MAGNA CARTA


@KingJohn

No freeman shall be taken or imprisoned except by the lawful judgement of his equals or by the law of the land. 9.00 am, June 15, 1215


@KingJohn

To no one will we sell, to no one will we deny or delay right or justice. 9.01 am, June 15, 1215


@KingJohn

PS – Believe that and you'll believe anything. LOL! 9.03 am, June 15, 1215

The Magna Carta was an English charter which reined in the power of the monarchy and subjected it to the rule of law for the first time. Within months King John had reneged on most of the promises contained within it.


THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR


@StopTheWar

Stop The War! #edwardianwar 10.12am, August 1, 1337


@StopTheWar

Stop The War! #bretonwar 4.20pm, October 20, 1341


@StopTheWar

Stop The War! #waroftwopeters 11.11, September 2, 1356


@StopTheWar

Stop The War! #carolinewar 11.49am, May 29, 1369


@StopTheWar

Stop The War! #lancastrianwar 2.02pm, December 20, 1415


@StopTheWar

Oh, why do we even bother! 2.04pm, December 20, 1415

The Hundred Years' War was a series of conflicts and battles between England and France that were fought from 1337 to 1453. A bad time for pacifists.


THE BLACK DEATH


@YeOldePatient

@YeOldeGP Doctor, nearly half the people I know have died. Now I'm starting to feel a bit peaky myself. 9.22am, June 29, 1349


@YeOldeGP

@YeOldePatient Yeah, there's definitely something going around. What are your main symptoms? 9.23am, June 29, 1349


@YeOldePatient

@YeOldeGP I feel like crap and I keep coughing up blood. 9.24am, June 29, 1349


@YeOldeGP

@YeOldePatient Ah, you've obviously just got too much blood. We'll drain some of the excess and you'll be right as rain. 9.25am, June 29, 1349


@YeOldeGP

Okay, that didn't go to plan. 9.27am, June 29, 1349


@YeOldeGP

Feeling a tad rough myself. Going to go for a nap. 2.30pm, June 30, 1349

The Black Death killed up to 45 percent of the British population between 1348 and 1350. Attempts to cure or stop the plague were often primitive and naive.


INVENTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS


@Gutenberg

Invented the printing press today. This is going to democratise publishing. We can now massproduce written matter. 8.12pm, June 13, 1439


@GermanPrintersUnion

We'd like to announce our first strike. You won't break us. 8.13pm, June 13, 1439


@WilliamCaxton

Just back from Germany. Learned how to massprint while I was out there. Let's get going! 2.22pm, July 5, 1473


@EnglishPrintersUnion

We'd like to announce our first strike. You won't break us. 2.22pm, July 5, 1473

Johann Gutenberg, a German goldsmith, invented the printing press in 1439. It revolutionised publishing. ... and industrial relations.


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DISCOVERS THE NEW WORLD


@ChrisColumb

Trying a #SatNav for the first time today. Going to let it guide me to the Indies. Bring it on! 6.30am, August 3, 1492


@ChrisColumb

It says we're there now – at last! 5.42pm, October 12, 1492


@ChrisColumb

But the locals are saying we're actually in the Bahamas. #SatNavFail 5.59pm, October 12, 1492


(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Twitter History of the World by Kelvin MacKenzie, Chas Newkey-Burden. Copyright © 2012 Chas Newkey-Burden Kelvin MacKenzie. Excerpted by permission of John Blake Publishing Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Kelvin Mackenzie is a pundit and often appears on both television and radio. Chas Newkey-Burden is a leading celebrity biographer and a fanatic tweeter. His books include Adele, Amy Winehouse, and Justin Bieber.

Customer Reviews

Average Review:

Post to your social network

     

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See all customer reviews