Read an Excerpt
The Twitter History of the World
Everything You Need to Know About Everything in 140 Character or Less
By Kelvin MacKenzie, Chas Newkey-Burden
John Blake Publishing LtdCopyright © 2012 Chas Newkey-Burden Kelvin MacKenzie
All rights reserved.
THE WORLD IS CREATED
Been working like a dog for six days creating heaven + earth. Getting the firmaments right was a bitch. Enough already – DM if you need me. 11.59pm, 6 January, 0000
Whether you believe in the big bang theory, or that God created the world in six days, this page represents the day the universe started. This is 'Tweet zero'.
ADAM & EVE
Awesome: @Adam has got a Twitter account, so I'll be able to keep an eye on him and @Eve. Guys, don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge. 8.12am, 9 January, 0000
@Adam @Eve Don't listen to him. Eat from the tree of knowledge all you like. What happens in Eden stays in Eden. 11.44am, 9 January, 0000
Wow, the fruit from that tree is #Nom! @Adam had some too. We're both rocking the fig leaf look now. Does my bum look big in this? 2.21pm, 9 January, 0000
@Adam @Eve Erm, remember I follow you guys on Twitter. I saw what you did – you guys are sooo in the crap now. 2.24pm, 9 January, 0000
#FML 2.26pm, 9 January, 0000
[Retweeted by @Eve]
This mini-saga of a man, a woman, a snake and a tree is filled with symbolism in the eyes of some religions.
NOAH AND THE FLOOD
As if the weather forecast said there was only a 40% chance of rain! Who's even running this show? 11.48am, 12 March, 0000
I know, right? All this rain but do they cancel the hosepipe ban? Like heck they do – tut! 11.49am, 12 March, 0000
It's biblical correctness gone mad. Ah well, best get gathering some animals for the #ark. 11.52am, 12 March, 0000
According to the book of Genesis, Noah saved himself, his family and a whole bunch of animals when the world was flooded.
LOT AND HIS DAUGHTERS
Relieved to see the back of Sodom (as it were). Shame my wife became a pillar of salt, but #shithappens. 1.19pm, 30 March, 0000
One of my daughters has got me some wine. Gonna push the boat out and get wasted tonight. 6.54pm, 2 April, 0000
Major league hangover situation going on today, but my other daughter has also got some wine. I'm badass. 7.02pm, 3 April, 0000
You know when you get so drunk two nights running that you shag both your daughters? That. 11.48am, 4 April, 0000
Imagine leaving Sodom only to get caught in a trap of incestuous drunkenness. Funny times.
ASTEROID WIPES OUT DINOSAURS
Cave prices doomed as asteroid heads for earth! See pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 – and commemorative 'Oh Crap!' supplement 6.00am, 65,000000 BC
@DailyExpress An asteroid? Last week it was Muslims, before that – chavs, before that – dangerous dogs. We're, like, whatever! 6.01am, 65,000000 BC
Hey @Earth, prepare for the ultimate spam ... 6.29am, 65,000000 BC
Oh shit, where's that 'block' button when you need it? 6.30am, 65,000000 BC
Dinosaurs are believed to have become extinct when earth was hit by a huge asteroid approximately 65 million years ago.
MOSES PARTS THE RED SEA
@Moses Okay, looks like @Pharaoh took your #FF a tad seriously and is *literally* following us ... 5.11 am, 1300 BC
I'm coming to get you, @Israelites! 5.14 am, 1300 BC
Fear not, @Israelites, watch this ... *parts Sea of Reeds* #swag 7.11 am, 1300 BC
According to Biblical legend, as the Israelites fled Egypt they were chased by Pharaoh. When they arrived at the Red Sea, Moses magically parted the waters to allow the Israelites safe passage, and then sent the water crashing over the
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Totally bored on Mount Sinai. Anyone got any suggestions? 12.34pm, 1301BC
@Moses Have no other gods, no idols, don't blaspheme, keep sabbath, honour your parents, no killing, adultery, theft, lies, or envy. 12.34pm, 1301BC
@God OMG – will RT and follow you back! 12.34pm, 1301BC
According to the biblical book of Exodus, God inscribed the Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, and gave them to Moses on Mount Sinai.
THE BUILDING OF THE PYRAMIDS
I need something built. I want it to be 481ft tall & weigh 5.9million tonnes. Can you recommend someone? A Pole would be nice #pyramidscheme 09.15am, 2540BC
@PharaohKhufu See ... that's gonna cost ya. We'll need 100,000 men and anticipate it will take around 20 years. Best put the kettle on ... 10.12am, 2540BC
Labourers, eh? I always feel like they're ripping me off but I feel too guilty to argue with the working-classes ... 10.13am, 2540BC
The ancient Egyptians built pyramids as tombs for the pharaohs and their queens. The best known, built for the pharaoh Khufu, was the 'Great Pyramid'.
Dudes! In a right-angled triangle the area of the square on hypotenuse is equal to sum of areas of squares of other two sides. 12.01am, November 1, 500BC
Or, to put it another way, a2 + b2 = c2. Amazing, eh? 12.03am, November 1, 500BC
@Pythagoras Dude, you seriously need to get your leg over. 12.04am, November 1, 500BC
Ancient Greek mathematician Pythagoras could have bested Carol Vorderman when it came to the numbers (but probably not when it came to Rear of the Year contests).
OEDIPUS AND HIS MUM
#FF @QueenJocasta - now there's a mother I'd love to fuck! #MILF 11.22am, January 2, 492BC
@Oedipus It can be arranged ... 11.23am, January 2, 492BC
An Ancient Greek relationship between mother and son, this fling launched a thousand therapists and - so we hear - more than a few lurid internet videos.
GREECE INVENTS DEMOCRACY
Hello peeps! Am thinking of shaking things up, so everybody has a say in how the country is run. Seems fair, innit. 9.30am, 462BC
@Pericles *Everybody*? 9.31am, 462BC
@GreekWoman Well, everybody apart from women, foreigners and slaves. Obvs! 9.32am, 462BC
@Pericles This is unfair. 9.33am, 462BC
@GreekWoman Irrelevant. See above. 9.34am, 462BC
The Ancient Greek aristocrat Pericles is credited with inventing democracy, in 462BC. However, not all Greeks were allowed to participate.
#FAMOUSLASTTWEETS (PART ONE)
Just got a donkey drunk and I'm now going to get it to eat figs. This is pure ROFLCOPTER! 8.12pm, April 30, 207BC
The Greek philosopher Chrysippus died the way we all should: laughing at a drunken donkey's attempts to eat figs.
THE TRIAL OF SOCRATES
Got to go to court today for impiety and corrupting the youth. Hoping the News of the Screws don't get on my case about the latter charge. 8.11am, March 22, 399 BC
Got off lightly, all things considered. They just want me to drink this hemlock stuff. BRB. 8.11am, March 22, 399 BC
Socrates died after being sentenced to drink hemlock poison. His epitath: 'the unexamined life is not worth living' would have fitted well into a Tweet.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT
@Greece is now following you 336BC
@Egypt is now following you 332BC
@Arabia is now following you 331BC
@Persia is now following you 330BC
@Mesopotamia is now following you 330BC
@India is now following you 327BC
In little over a decade the Greek king Alexander The Great built a massive and formidable empire. He was undefeated in battle.
DAVID AND GOLIATH
I've got a little scrap to attend to today. It will be a breeze, you watch ... 8.22am, April 5, 1018BC
Ah well. Form is temporary but class lasts forever. Or some such. *Embarrassed* 7.42am, April 5, 1018BC
The first great 'underdog' story saw David the Israelite slay Goliath the Philistine.
Feel like 'extending my empire' – so to speak. @Cleopatra, I'm cumming atcha! 3.40pm, June 4, 53BC
@JuliusCaesar Dude, keep it for @NicomedesIV. I'm not interested in being your beard. 3.42pm, June 4, 53BC
For the last time – I'M NOT GAY! Can someone get me @MaxClifford on the phone? 3.51pm, June 4, 53BC
Ooooohhh – get her! 3.52pm, June 4, 53BC
Hey, @Brutus: normally @JuliusCaesar is like [??] but by the end of today he'll be like ______ 6.12am, March 15, 44BC
Roman General Julius Caesar extended the Roman Empire through France, Belgium and beyond. He had an affair with Queen Cleopatra of Egypt but was also rumoured to have enjoyed dalliances with King Nicomedes IV. He was assassinated by a group of senators, spearheaded by Cassius and Brutus.
THE CRUCIFIXION OF JESUS CHRIST
Just had supper with 11 pals – stuffed. @Judas made a pass at me afterwards #awkward 10:02pm 1 April, 33
Thirty pieces of silver – kerching! 10.30pm 1 April, 33
Uh oh ... ... 8:40am 3 April, 33
I'm back, bitches ... 11:43am, 6 April, 33
Following the Last Supper, Jesus Christ was betrayed by Judas who identified him with a kiss to arresting soldiers, who handed him over to Pontius Pilate. Christ was then crucified and - according to Christian belief – rose on the third day.
MOUNT VESUVIUS ERUPTS
Just to put this out there, I'm in a hell of a mood today. 09.01am, August 24, AD79
@MtVesuvius Well, get her – someone got out of bed the wrong side today! 09.02am, August 24, AD79
Erm, what the fuck's that plume of smoke in the distance ...? 09.03am, August 24, AD79
Mount Vesuvius has erupted several times, most notably in AD79 when it destroyed the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum. It caught residents unaware, with a 'plume of smoke' on the horizon the first sign of what was afoot.
THE ROMANS INVENT PLUMBING
The way we've linked up these aqueducts and pipes inside people's homes is a bit swag. Soon we won't have to take a dump outside anymore! 5.12pm AD100
We're going into business with this. If you want your house plumbed up just come to us. We'll give you a fair price. 5.13pm AD100
Whatever price they give you we'll do it for 90 percent less. 5.14pm AD100
#FML 5.15pm AD100
The Roman Empire is credited – blamed? – with introducing modern plumbing.
ATTILA THE HUN
On our way to Rome #roadtrip 4.42pm, March 2, 440
On our way to Gaul #roadtrip 4.42pm, March 2, 441
Hmmm, some people got in the way back there. We had to deal with them. #scourgeofgod 4.42pm, March 2, 441
On our way to Italy #roadtrip 4.42pm, March 2, 441
Got married today. Thanks for all your congratulatory Tweets and DMs. Hang on, nosebleed ... 4.42pm, March 2, 453
Attila The Hun was the leader of the Hunnic empire and one of the most feared men of his time. The cause of his death, in 453, is thought to be a colossal nose-bleed on the evening of his wedding day.
THE DOMESDAY BOOK
#FF Can you follow @DomesdayBook and also Tweet them all your landholdings and resources details? K'bye. 9.00am, March 12, 1085
A detailed survey of land commissioned by William The Conqueror, The Domesday Book now lives at The National Archives, Kew, in South West London.
WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER (PART ONE)
Dudes, I'm going to put taxes up a bit. Well, a lot. #We'reAllInThisTogether #Honest 1.18pm, November 2, 1205
War with France created financial issues for England that King John addressed by taxing people like there was no tomorrow.
Can't decide whether I fancy a Chinese, a Thai or an Indian. Think I'll have all three. Get the horses, @MrsKhan 6.45pm, April 4, 1211
Might have an Afghan, actually ... 4.28pm, October 28, 1213
1) Someone said I have a silly moustache 2) So someone got trampled by a horse 3) And so did 40 million other people 9.12am, August 25, 1277
... some cats and dogs might have got caught in the cross-trample, too. #ShitHappens 9.14am, August 25, 1277
Genghis Khan was one of history's great conquerors. He and his army grabbed an empire including much of Asia and ultimately stretching from the Black Sea to the Pacific. His army was so thorough and heartless it would even destroy the animals of the territories it swept through.
THE MAGNA CARTA
No freeman shall be taken or imprisoned except by the lawful judgement of his equals or by the law of the land. 9.00 am, June 15, 1215
To no one will we sell, to no one will we deny or delay right or justice. 9.01 am, June 15, 1215
PS – Believe that and you'll believe anything. LOL! 9.03 am, June 15, 1215
The Magna Carta was an English charter which reined in the power of the monarchy and subjected it to the rule of law for the first time. Within months King John had reneged on most of the promises contained within it.
THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR
Stop The War! #edwardianwar 10.12am, August 1, 1337
Stop The War! #bretonwar 4.20pm, October 20, 1341
Stop The War! #waroftwopeters 11.11, September 2, 1356
Stop The War! #carolinewar 11.49am, May 29, 1369
Stop The War! #lancastrianwar 2.02pm, December 20, 1415
Oh, why do we even bother! 2.04pm, December 20, 1415
The Hundred Years' War was a series of conflicts and battles between England and France that were fought from 1337 to 1453. A bad time for pacifists.
THE BLACK DEATH
@YeOldeGP Doctor, nearly half the people I know have died. Now I'm starting to feel a bit peaky myself. 9.22am, June 29, 1349
@YeOldePatient Yeah, there's definitely something going around. What are your main symptoms? 9.23am, June 29, 1349
@YeOldeGP I feel like crap and I keep coughing up blood. 9.24am, June 29, 1349
@YeOldePatient Ah, you've obviously just got too much blood. We'll drain some of the excess and you'll be right as rain. 9.25am, June 29, 1349
Okay, that didn't go to plan. 9.27am, June 29, 1349
Feeling a tad rough myself. Going to go for a nap. 2.30pm, June 30, 1349
The Black Death killed up to 45 percent of the British population between 1348 and 1350. Attempts to cure or stop the plague were often primitive and naive.
INVENTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS
Invented the printing press today. This is going to democratise publishing. We can now massproduce written matter. 8.12pm, June 13, 1439
We'd like to announce our first strike. You won't break us. 8.13pm, June 13, 1439
Just back from Germany. Learned how to massprint while I was out there. Let's get going! 2.22pm, July 5, 1473
We'd like to announce our first strike. You won't break us. 2.22pm, July 5, 1473
Johann Gutenberg, a German goldsmith, invented the printing press in 1439. It revolutionised publishing. ... and industrial relations.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DISCOVERS THE NEW WORLD
Trying a #SatNav for the first time today. Going to let it guide me to the Indies. Bring it on! 6.30am, August 3, 1492
It says we're there now – at last! 5.42pm, October 12, 1492
But the locals are saying we're actually in the Bahamas. #SatNavFail 5.59pm, October 12, 1492
Excerpted from The Twitter History of the World by Kelvin MacKenzie, Chas Newkey-Burden. Copyright © 2012 Chas Newkey-Burden Kelvin MacKenzie. Excerpted by permission of John Blake Publishing Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.