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The Ultimate Zombie Hunter's HandbookA Guide to Surviving Zombies ... Probably
By Matthew Collins Geoffrey Collins
iUniverse, Inc.Copyright © 2010 Matthew Collins and Geoffrey Collins
All right reserved.
Chapter One(Deciphered by Geoffrey from ancient texts)
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How many zombies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3,723. One to screw in the lightbulb and 3,722 to be terminated-with prejudice-by yours truly. -Paul
Once upon a time, there was a young watch repairman who loved to collect watches. He especially loved rare old watches that didn't work anymore because it gave him the pleasure of fixing them throughout the night. Over time, this healthy hobby became an obsession that he was unable to control. Whenever he found a watch that was not functioning properly, he stopped whatever he was doing and attempted to fix it.
Things went on like this for a while, until one fateful day when he walked into his local police department to dispute a parking violation. After the clerk noted his dispute and gave him a court date, he begrudgingly headed toward the door. As he passed a door of no particular importance, he heard the faint ticking of a watch and noticed that the watch was ticking slowly, losing two-tenths of a second each hour. It wouldn't take him three minutes to make the proper adjustments so the watch would run like new again. Kreil-that was the man's name-rushed through the door and immediately found the watch on a table in the middle of the room. Within two minutes, he had fixed the problem, and he smiled as he replaced the backing on the watch. It was at about that time that he noticed the brick of C4 attached to the watch. Exactly three seconds later, thanks to Kreil's improvements, the watch triggered a detonator, and the brick of C4 exploded. Despite the medical officer's best efforts, Kreil didn't make it. No one ever figured out what inspired a man to walk through a door clearly marked LIVE BOMB FOR TRAINING PURPOSES ONLY.
For the slow starters out there, you may not have realized how you have been tricked. Well, if I have to spell it out for you, I might as well give up now, but here it goes anyway. Chapter 1 is really the introduction. Chapter 2 is chapter 1. This simple pattern repeats itself until the ending of the book. The reasoning behind this is also very simple: we didn't want anyone to skip out on the introduction like so many of you probably would have if we had had one. You see, the introduction is usually boring and unproductive, so most people skip it. However, this introduction is vital to the understanding of the book and the enormity behind its purpose. If Kreil had just read the sign on the door before launching into a quest to fix the object of his attention, he would have been alive today, teaching his kids how to fix watches. Instead, he skipped the introduction. To ensure that this information was not passed over, we hijacked chapter 1, and the rest of the book followed suit.
Who, might you ask, are these diabolical geniuses running the show behind the print? Nothing more than a couple of brothers: Geoffrey and Matthew Collins. My brother, Matthew, almost became a ninja, but instead ended up studying codes and numbers after a tragedy when a samurai murdered his karate kid classmates while he was on the pot blowing zombies through the pipes. (This happened back in the early '90s at Tokyo Dongs Tae Kwon Do Shop. The only criminal evidence found was a single strand of red facial hair. Matthew remembers this because he had been very excited about the roundhouse kick lesson that he was supposed to have that day. He has since drunk away the rest.) Meanwhile, I went to college to study brains and business and left with a psychology major and business minor, making me the hugest double-threat ever. We have both made it our life, second to our real lives, but overshadowing all three, to prepare the world for the upcoming apocalypse. Thus, the creation of this groundbreaking, precedent-setting, lemon-squeezing survival guide.
Read this guide. Study it, live it, dream it. If you have any time left in your day, you screwed up and should immediately make a list of things you did incorrectly. (You'll learn about lists later.) Also, remember that there are certain people that cannot be trusted; this is crucial to your survival. While you'll find a lot of evidence from us describing who we would and would not trust, it is ultimately up to you to make this decision based on your knowledge and training. Just don't mess it up because it could mean the end of the human race. Also, I might kill you.
"But why?" cries the small girl who just got bitten by her zombie hamster, Flufficans. I'll tell you why, little girl from down the street. Because I don't enjoy taking pleasure in blasting the face off of former little girls who used to sell me lemonade but are now dirty zombies. I want people to live through the invasion long enough for me to save them. That will not happen if you don't read this book. That will not happen if your family doesn't read this book. That will not happen if your neighbors don't read this book.
Before we get too deeply into the book, each of us wants to explain how our different personal lives changed course and resulted in a monumental collision, the result of which is now known as The Ultimate Zombie Hunter's Handbook. When it comes to it, I suppose it all started when I was about five, and Matthew was about three. We were just two beer-drinking, tobacco-spitting, roughhousing young men walking along the yard when we discovered a heavy brown brick. Matthew decided to throw the brick, and it went pretty far. Being the manly man that I was (and still am), I told him I could throw it farther, so he went out to mark his spot, and I promptly hit him in the head with it. Blood was gushing out, and we were just sure he was going to turn into a zombie, but Mom soothed our worries when she said he wouldn't turn into a zombie for the simple reason that he was distraught about becoming a zombie, and zombies don't concern themselves over stuff like that. It made us feel better.
Well, now things have changed. First off, we now know that she completely lied to us. You can become a zombie even if you do worry about it. Second, and more disturbingly, she disarmed us for over a decade to the real danger of zombies. For this, she may never be forgiven. I think I'd rather be cut in half, nuts to helmet, from a spit wad from God, than be that dangerously ignorant again. But I digress. We each came back into our understanding of zombies, but at different times in our lives.
"I think it all started back when I was young and still afraid of bullets. One warm fall day, as the leaves were bright in color and birds were preparing to fly south, I was walking on a path set between a small pond on the left and a lake on the right. There, in that pond, was a little duckling that had been left lost and all alone while the rest of its family had moved into the lake. I felt purposeful and benevolent as I scooped him up and set him in the lake on the other side, after which I paused to watch as he swam up next to his mother. She seemed pleased at his return, but immediately smelled the scent of man-danger all over him and suddenly attacked the duckling as if he were not her own. While I watched the momma duck drown the young fowl, I think I realized how fragile life was, and how sometimes, no matter how hard I tried, it just didn't make sense. I also thought about how sad it would be if that little duckling rose from the dead and tried to chase after me, ineffectually hungering for flesh and pecking at my shoes. I think that's about when I started to hate the zombies again ...
"There have been times since that day that I lapsed into complacency, into a frame of mind that isn't prepared to fight for my life against the unliving, a frame of mind that would have gotten me killed. Whenever I start to think that maybe there are no zombies, or that they won't invade during my lifetime, or that zombiism won't happen to me, I just remember those tiny little feathers floating across the surface of the water. It brings the hate back, keeps it fresh, and steadies my soul for the coming fight."
"It was a dark, stormy night. About every twenty seconds, a brilliant flash of lightning would erupt from the heavens, illuminating the surrounding forests. I was alone, and there were strange sounds coming from the darkness all around. I could hear the pounding of my heart as I concentrated on the task at hand. It was the only heart beating there that night.
"Then, all of a sudden, I realized something profound. It wasn't nighttime. It was two in the afternoon. And it wasn't stormy; it was warm with a light breeze. And that wasn't lightning every twenty seconds; it was the sun for all seconds. I was out at the lake, with my camcorder, simultaneously practicing for my American Idol debut and taping my The Real World audition. My show name was going to be Raul Suarez, because Hispanic names were popular back then. I played a solo with my favorite flute while sporting a Band-Aid over a nonexistent cut on my cheekbone. I was also showcasing my songwriting skills with my own version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," titled "One time, I Cut My Finger."
One time, I cut my finger, Watched it bleed. Cut on a rusty razor, Once by a Taco Bell.
I got food in my finger, Beans and beef. And I thought that I'd lose it, Once by a Taco Bell.
No one really thought I'd be okay, Or wake back up another day, despite me Being tough as nails or rocks, Wrapping it in dirty socks, They need to respect me.
I got, meds for my finger, To apply, Germs die out of my finger, Once by a Taco Bell.
I made those germs go bye, from my finger, Die, baby-die, die, die.
"At the ending of my performance, a car came out of nowhere, careening dangerously out of control in the direction of a small boy. The driver's face had that kind of look on it. The kind that says, 'Seriously, a flute? A fucking flute?!?' Meanwhile, the boy was helping an old man get some fish off a grill while the man watched from the picnic table nearby, stroking a rusty spoon in anticipation. Luckily, I have the dexterity of a child (not this child) and the speed of a starving obese man with a bottomless spaghetti bowl. As the car came ever closer, with a fatal impact imminent, I had already leaped into action, helping the boy escape from certain death with a lightning-fast ninja roll. We tumbled clear of the mechanical monstrosity as it passed by me and crashed into a nearby tree. Close one.
"At first, I didn't know what to think and lay in the leaves of confusion, which also happened to be maple. I was in the midst of planning my next move when the door from the car began to open slowly. Behind the steering wheel was a slow, unstable individual with blood caked to its lips. A slight moan betrayed the enemy of nature for what it really was: a zombie. Before I knew what had happened, the zombie lay dead at my feet while I stood there, holding the bloody tree branch that I had bludgeoned it with.
"After the darkness faded from my eyes, I realized that it was nothing but a drunk woman who had previously been a living member of the society. Hey, mistakes happen, and I regret nothing, because if she had been a zombie, hesitation would have meant damnation. I know this now ...
"Later that same night, I had a dream. In this dream, I was a pregnant woman. It was very odd, but everyone kept complimenting me on my glow and how pregnancy was a really good look for me. I had a baby shower with beautiful gifts from all my friends, and they all gave me hugs, and we laughed well into the evening. It was a wonderful party.
"The next day I went to the doctor for some checkups since the baby was approaching the due date. I sat there, thinking about all the wonderful memories I would be having with my new baby, gushing at the idea of its first steps and the first time it said, 'Mamma.' Then the doctor told me the baby was dead, which was a pretty huge surprise to me since I was expecting it to be alive. He told me that the umbilical cord had wrapped around its little neck, and it suffocated in my sleep the previous night. I was so upset by the worst news of my life that I went into labor.
"When the dead baby was born, the doctor got very quiet. After a couple of minutes, I decided that I had to look down and see what the problem was. That's when I saw it. My baby was a zombie, and it was eating the doctor's face. And I woke up.
"That day, I knew that zombies would be the end of the world as we know it."
But why do we care about you if we're already so prepared? If you are nothing but a liability, then why do we waste our time and effort to save your life? The answer is simpler than you might expect. It is the driving force behind every great accomplishment in the history of mankind. Success. We cannot live the rest of our awesome lives entirely alone in an undead world and go to sleep feeling a sense of victory. If every other human being on earth became fodder for the wolves, then what would the purpose of life be? Nothing. And there's always the need for companionship, the kind of companionship that no brother can provide. Think about it. We need it. I would rather throw a baby into a bear den than see it grow up in an empty world. You can take that promise to the bank.
While writing this book, a very important revelation struck us both at nearly identical times. There are only two types of people in the world today: There are the people who read this book, then study this book, then tattoo scripture from this book onto their skin and live their lives by the words written in this book. Then there are zombies. Dirty, stinky, horribly grotesque man-eating zombies. Only you can decide your fate. Who are you going to be?
Make your decision by setting this book down or by reading it from cover to cover. The knowledge in this book will help any man, woman, or child escape the hell that awaits all zombies. Read and reread it carefully. Take thorough notes, because not a detail can be lost in the translation. The information is all here, but it is up to you to put it to use. By the time you are finished, you will be ready to survive a fullblown zombie invasion. We will be waiting for you on the other side.
Excerpted from The Ultimate Zombie Hunter's Handbook by Matthew Collins Geoffrey Collins Copyright © 2010 by Matthew Collins and Geoffrey Collins. Excerpted by permission.
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