Read an Excerpt
Preggers: Yes or No?
You think you might be pregnant. Immediately, you have visions of your glowing, radiant body blossoming into motherhood (except, of course, your arms, legs, butt, and face.) You'll buy a few empire-waist dresses, temporarily trade your heels for cute flats, and try to get used to being the center of attention. Think again. Welcome to invasion of the body snatchers. Only this time, it's an inside job. Congratulations. You're pregnant.
If you're Caucasian, say goodbye to those pink nipples, sweetie. You're headed to brown town.
WHAT YOU MAY BE FREAKED OUT ABOUT
"The pregnancy tests and my ob-gyn say no, but I just know that they're wrong. Could the doctor be messing with my head or dipping the wrong woman's urine?"
You're delusional. Snap out of it. You can always have a vagina like a garage later. Go have a drink and a cigarette-even if you're not a smoker-for all those women out there for whom fun and vices will soon be a bitter, distant memory.
Knowing for Sure: Test Time
Welcome to the section of the pharmacy you didn't know existed. Move away from the lubes and products with silhouetted lovers and go toward the cooing infants. This is because there is no truth in advertising. If there were, you'd be looking for the image of the woman slapping her forehead or molesting a pint of ice cream. And get ready to piss on your hand. If you're normal, you'll have no idea about the trajectory of your own urine. If you're a marksman, it's probably because of some bizarre sorority pledging rite, which might be why you're here in the first place.
But first you must pick a predictor. You'll find everything from off-name brands (Wee &Weep) to commercial favorites (E.P.T. Early Pregnancy Test: "What if you could know the moment you became pregnant?" or its lesser-known companion, E.P.T.E.S.P: "What if you could know if you'd become pregnant in the future?") The choices are limitless, unlike your clothing options in the months ahead.
The display results vary with each test. Thanks to nervous women glutting up the pharmaceutical company's 800-number in double-line denial, wise product engineers have devised tests that now say "pregnant" or "not pregnant." (The standard "positive" or "not positive," as it turns out, all depends on your perspective. Just ask a jubilant-then-immediately-devastated teen.)
The In-Office Verdict
Now it's starting to sink in. You know you're pregnant. You're at the clinic, for chrissake. A blood test is just going to tell the doctor what you already know-you're terribly absent-minded when you're horny.
Testing 1, 2, 3...
A do and don't guide for testing intelligence:
DO: Dispose of used wands in a covered garbage container.
DON'T: Use as impromptu hair chopsticks.
DO: Take a picture of your positive result for your scrapbook (if you've been trying for a long time.)
DON'T: Use it to construct a new wing of the dollhouse you built from years of failed tests.
DO: Test more than once for accuracy.
DON'T: Use leftover wands for cocktails stirrers.
DO: Test a few days later than your scheduled period for the most precise result.
DON'T: Test a few months later to see if God and your post-sex purity pledge made it go away.
Let's Get Physical
This will be performed by either your ob-gyn or, if you're generally misguided, a midwife. You'll be asked to position yourself on the examining table or kitchen counter (see latter) with legs in stirrups. If given the choice, ask for a male physician. Then close your eyes and pretend you had a nice dinner together. Honestly, this is the last time in many months a man will look directly at your sugar walls without silently lamenting, Do I have to? Enjoy.
Of note, it is possible to experience all of the symptoms of pregnancy and not be pregnant at all. That's either called being crazy or dating a star NFL/NBA player.
Breaking the News...
Once you know for sure, it's time to share it with the person you now have by the balls. Here are some creative ways to make it official:
- Leave the positive test on the sink and scrawl on the bathroom mirror: "Meet me at Babies "R" Us with your wallet and a U-haul."
- Give him a sterling silver rattle with "I think it's yours" engraved on it.
- Have the waiter place a personalized message in a fortune cookie: "Confucius say a third of your paycheck is now mine."