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The View from the Upper Deck
SportsPickle Presents the Funniest Collection of Sports Satire Ever
By DJ Gallo
St. Martin's PressCopyright © 2007 DJ Gallo
All rights reserved.
THINKING OF BASEBALL DOESN'T LESSEN SEXUAL AROUSAL OF SPORT'S NUMBER-ONE FAN
Jason Tyson, baseball's self-appointed number-one fan does not become less sexually aroused when he thinks of baseball, he announced today.
Married for seven years, Tyson, thirty-four, said he actually performs worse in bed when he thinks of baseball during heightened sexual excitement. "I've always heard that you should think about baseball or your mother-in-law in order to last longer in bed," Tyson said. "Thinking about my mother-in-law is downright disgusting, and having baseball pass through my mind makes me finish even quicker."
Tyson said he does not have sex with his wife if there is a baseball game on television or if Baseball Tonight is being aired. "That's a strict policy I have," he said. "I love the game and will allow nothing to come between it and me."
And if Tyson feels he needs to slow down in the marriage bed, he does his best to separate his love of baseball from his thought patterns. Thinking of a perfectly executed double play, hit-and-run, or squeeze play only puts him over the edge quicker.
Tyson said he is not bisexual and primarily thinks of specific baseball plays, not certain players. "Sure, Mickey Mantle, Barry Bonds, Nolan Ryan — those guys have entered my mind at orgasm, but it's purely because of my appreciation of their skills, not a sexual attraction to them."
Margie Tyson said she has been able to able to make her husband last longer in bed by whispering things in his ear about steroids or a labor dispute. "I say things like 'BALCO' or 'Don Fehr' sporadically while we're making love," she said. "He could go forever when I do that."
U.S. INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS DETECT INCREASED INFIELD CHATTER
U.S. intelligence officials reported this morning that they have detected increased chatter, much of it coming from our nation's infields, that may cause the terrorist alert to be increased again to Code Orange.
"We have uncovered a very high amount of infield chatter, especially as the Little League season has progressed," said a senior Homeland Security Department source. "The increased chatter has caused us to worry that al-Qaeda may be targeting our youth athletes for its next attack."
Intelligence officials are especially worried about a phrase repeatedly picked up in its monitoring: "Hey, Batta Batta, Sa-wing Batta, HeCan'tHitHeCan'tHit, Sa-wing Batta."
"So far we have been completely unable to determine what that phrase means," the source said. "We're not even sure what language it is."
CUBS HUNDRED-YEAR REBUILDING PLAN RIGHT ON TRACK
The Chicago Cubs — in the final years of the hundred-year rebuilding plan the franchise set in action after losing the 1910 World Series — are starting to reap the benefits of their patience.
With winning records in three of the last four seasons — including advancing to the verge of the World Series in 2003 — the Cubs are nearing the position to make a run at their first World Series championship since 1908, a title that team management didn't target until 2010 after dismantling the Series-losing squad of 1910 in favor of a ten-decade rebuilding plan.
"Honestly, any success we have in the postseason prior to 2010 is a bonus," said Cubs general manager Jim Hendry. "At this point in our rebuilding plan we just want to show improvement from year to year. We really don't want to get ahead of the program."
The organization is on track for achieving its goal of seriously contending for a World Series title in 2010, based on the rebuilding plan that has been kept under lock and key in Cubs offices since it was drawn up in 1910.
"By this time in the process we wanted to be a competitive team, an above .500 team, with designs on putting it all together for Year 100," said Hendry. "A trip to the play-offs before then would actually mean we are a bit ahead of schedule."
Hendry said he expects no more than five or six members of the Cubs' current twenty-four-man roster to be part of the 2010 World Series challenger. "We can't have a team that's too old if we plan to challenge for a title in 2010 and a few years beyond," he said. "I expect maybe Kerry Wood or Mark Prior will still be around, but Derrek Lee might be too old by that time, of course. It's really unfortunate for him, but Ernie Banks and Ryne Sandberg dealt with the same thing. Heck, Ernie was about fifty years short of our target year for building a title contender."
During the Cubs rebuilding, the Yankees have won twenty-six World Series titles, the Athletics and Cardinals nine each, and the Dodgers six. "Those teams have never had the need to start from square one as we did in 1910," said Hendry. "That's the difference between us and them. Sure, it would have been nice to go for broke and try to buy a championship here or there, but we wanted to do this the right way."
If the hundred-year plan pans out, the Cubs expect it to be a model for all future rebuilding plans by struggling baseball franchises.
"You can't just hope to fix things like your minor league system or your starting rotation overnight," said Hendry. "Stuff like that takes time. We just hope this plan pans out for 2010. If not, we'll go back to the drawing board and look at winning another Series early in the twenty-second century."
YANKEES NOT EVEN SURE WHO THEY'RE IN A BIDDING WAR FOR
With the Red Sox firing the first shot of the off-season by signing several high-profile free agents, the Yankees are hurrying to counter with some moves of their own, going as far as to engage in bidding wars for numerous free agents they have no interest in or can't even identify by name.
"This is standard operating procedure for us," said general manager Brian Cashman. "Mr. Steinbrenner has always made it clear, if a free agent is being offered a contract by a competitor, we submit a much more lucrative counteroffer. Doesn't matter who it is."
Cashman says that specific scenario is currently being played out with nearly a hundred different free agents.
"We just offered some guy — I think he's a shortstop or maybe a reliever on the Padres, or is it the Mariners? — anyway, we offered him six years, $90 million because we heard rumors that the Mets and Red Sox were interested in possibly signing him to a minor-league contract," said Cashman. "We're committed to not letting him slip away to our rivals, whoever he is."
The architect of the Yankees' big-spending philosophy, team owner George Steinbrenner, has mandated a standard response if the team is contacted by an available player's agent.
"I've told Brian and all the guys this," said Steinbrenner. "If some agent tells us he has an offer on the table from another team, just say: 'We'll triple the dollar amount and double the years. Think it over and get back to us.' That approach usually lets us get our man in the end."
Such an aggressive style has enabled the Yankees to land some of the biggest free agents over the years, from Gary Sheffield to Hideki Matsui, but has also stuck the franchise with some stinkers.
"Granted, it backfires on us from time to time," said Cashman. "That's what happened with Tony Womack. We gave him two years, $4 million after I got an anonymous call that Boston was about to sign him. Turned out it was just a prank call from Theo Epstein."
In addition to the bidding war over the shortstop or possibly reliever from the Padres or Mariners, the Yankees have multiyear, ten-figure offers on the table to — according to Cashman — "this one starter who used to pitch for the Devil Rays," "a Dominican outfielder from an NL West club, or at least I hope he's Dominican," "a few Royals players," "and an infielder named Jack or Jim or something like that with a J," among others.
Cashman said the Yankees are specifically focused on the Jack or Jim guy.
"I don't want us to be kicking ourselves come next September because what's-his-name with the J name is starring for the Red Sox," he said.
PLAYER TO BE NAMED LATER ACQUIRED FOR PLAYER TO BE NAMED LATER
The St. Louis Cardinals and Seattle Mariners pulled off a major trade, or perhaps a minor one, minutes before last Thursday's trade deadline when St. Louis dealt a player to be named later to Seattle for a player to be named later.
"We needed to get pitching for the play-off chase and this trade may or may not have gotten it for us," said Walt Jocketty, St. Louis general manager. "We're potentially very excited."
"People have given us flack over the years for not acquiring players that we need before the trade deadline," said Bill Bavasi, Seattle general manager. "This year that can't be said. If and when we get this player, he could make a very big impact for us. Or not, I suppose."
Both Jocketty and Bavasi said the players to be named later have not been agreed on, and neither knows if the deal will be consummated before the end of the season.
"It would be great if we got someone really good, though," said Jocketty.
ALBERT PUJOLS'S THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY A LOW-KEY AFFAIR
St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols celebrated his thirty-fifth birthday last night with a select group of close friends and family at a St. Louis restaurant, with those in attendance told not to speak of the purpose of the gathering or, at the very least, not to say Pujols's actual age aloud.
"This is just typical Albert," said a friend, Martin Guerrero. "He doesn't like a lot of attention drawn to himself. He's very humble. Although in this case, in regard to his age, I think there might be some other factors involved — if you know what I'm saying. You didn't hear that from me, though."
Pujols — listed as born January 16, 1980, in the Dominican Republic — exploded onto the scene in 2001 as a "twenty-one -year-old" rookie, exhibiting the poise and production rarely seen in a player so young. He has continued playing well straight through to this season, and is on the verge of eclipsing numerous records for a player "under the age of thirty."
Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said he still is amazed by what Pujols does on the field day after day.
"People forget that Albert is still only twenty-six years old," said LaRussa, adding "bullsh-t", and then breaking into a coughing fit. "When he first came up, I remember saying to one of my coaches that his size, maturity, and baldness made him seem much older, but I was quickly reminded that what I was saying was crazy talk because no Latino players have ever lied about their age. So even though Albert looks like he's in his thirties and the birth certificate of his that we have on file is a piece of tablet paper that says in pen: 'Albert Pujols is not in his thirties. No, really, he was born in 1980,' I'm going to take him at his word."
Pujols's longtime friend, Hector Ortiz, claims the rumors that Pujols is older than his reported age are absurd.
"I've known Albert my whole life," said Ortiz, thirty-five. "And I know he's not a liar. I remember he was on my Little League team back in Santo Domingo in 1978 and I knew right away that he was a stand-up guy. And when we moved up to a twelve-to-fifteen-year-old league in 1983, he had my back then, too. Oh, no. Oh, crap — wait. I meant 1988, not '78. And he was in that twelve-to-fifteen-year-old league in the early '90s — yeah, that's how it was. The '90s. I was his babysitter. Yep, his babysitter because he's so young. Yep. Okay, I have to go now."
Even though he is only twenty-six, Pujols claims he may step away from baseball before he is thirty.
"I'm very active in charities and I'd like to give more time there," he said. "Plus, for reasons I'm not willing to get in to, I don't feel like I have many more good seasons left in me. Sometimes my body just doesn't feel like it's twenty-six anymore. Or even thirty-four."
"I take offense when people say that I'm injury prone and brittle ... Aw, crap, my jaw just broke as I was saying that."
— Ken Griffey Jr.
— the Phillie Phanatic, to a fan who threw beer on him
GREAT MOMENTS IN BASEBALL HISTORY
JUNE 19, 1889 Washington outfielder Dummy Hoy, who was deaf, throws out three base runners in one inning. Hoy's feat is less impressive considering he threw out Gimpy McNolegs, Fats Slowstein, and Peg-Leg Pete Van Retard.
MARCH 2, 1904 The Official Playing Rules of Professional Base Ball Clubs are adopted. The first section of the rule book laid out "gentlemanly ways in which players can repeatedly adjust their manhood with nary a spectator taking note."
OCTOBER 30, 1919 The Professional Baseball Association rules that spitballs and shineballs are illegal. The Association did not ban snotballs, however, leading to a period of dominance by pitchers with hay fever.
APRIL 17, 1953 Mickey Mantle of the Yankees hits a 565-foot home run against Washington, with the ball coming to rest in a backyard one block from the stadium. Unfortunately, the mean old man whose lawn the ball landed in refused to return it and the game had to be called off.
APRIL 19, 1960 Baseball jerseys began displaying players' last names on the back. The change came after longtime Boston Red Sox pitcher Gary Vaginalicker finally retired.
MARCH 5, 1973 New York Yankees pitchers Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson tell reporters that they traded wives during the off-season. Peterson also picked up a daughter to be named later in the deal.
OCTOBER 15, 1980 George Brett of the Kansas City Royals misses a World Series game due to hemorrhoids. Brett is able to return for the next game after treating his hemorrhoids by smearing pine tar all over his anus.
MARCH 30, 1993Peanuts character Charlie Brown hits a game-winning home run, his first in forty-three years of the comic strip. In a series of comics released by Peanuts creator Charles Schulz in 2005, it is revealed that Brown was on steroids when he hit his blast.
SEPTEMBER 28, 1996 Roberto Alomar of the Orioles is suspended five games for spitting on umpire John Hirschbeck. Alomar got the last laugh, however, when Hirschbeck tested positive for herpes.
NOVEMBER 13, 2003 Major League Baseball announces that only 5 to 7 percent of its players tested positive for steroids. The league was later forced to admit that 93 to 95 percent of its players were never tested.
JANUARY 13, 2005 Major League Baseball announces plans for a steroids testing program. The league also announced that it would stop recording 'Roid Rages (RR) as an official major-league statistic.
FEBRUARY 21, 2005 Retired slugger Jose Canseco releases his book: Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big, shocking the baseball world that he is literate.
PEOPLE TO KNOW
HANK AARON Race played a major role in the career of Hank Aaron. In 1952 he became the last player to make the jump from the Negro League — a league that was racist to its core and did not allow any white players — to major-league baseball, which welcomed players of all races and creeds with open arms. He is best known for breaking Babe Ruth's career home run mark, a feat he accomplished despite receiving thousands of pieces of racist hate mail. His historic, record-breaking 715th came on the night of April 8, 1974, a blast that knocked in three runs — Aaron himself and two hippies who were near the second base bag. In recent years, Aaron has become one of baseball's greatest ambassadors. In his spare time he has taken to sending racist hate mail to Barry Bonds.
YOGI BERRA One of the greatest catchers of all time, the Yankees legend is perhaps better known for his many malaprops — or Yogiisms — including: "It ain't over 'til it's over"; "When you get to a fork in the road, take it"; "I didn't really say everything I said"; and "Please, for the love of God! Why does everyone laugh when I talk? Can't you see I have Alzheimer's? Please get me some help!" Fun Fact: In 2005 Berra filed a lawsuit against TBS for using the word "Yogasm" in billboards advertising the show Sex and the City, but the case was thrown out after the judge vomited while thinking of Yogi Berra having an orgasm.
Excerpted from The View from the Upper Deck by DJ Gallo. Copyright © 2007 DJ Gallo. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
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