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Overview
From his early pieces for the National Lampoon, through his classic reporting as Rolling Stone’s International Affairs editor in the 1980s and 1990s, and his brilliant, inimitable political journalism and analysis, P. J. O’Rourke has been entertaining and provoking readers with high octane prose, a gonzo Republican attitude, and a rare ability to make you laugh out loud. Christopher Buckley once described his work as “S. J. Perelman on acid.”
Thrown Under the Omnibus brings together his funniest, most outrageous, most controversial, and most loved pieces in the definitive O’Rourke reader. Handpicked and introduced by the humorist himself, Thrown Under the Omnibus is the essential O’Rourke anthology.
“The funniest writer in America.” —The Wall Street Journal
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780802191403 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Grove/Atlantic, Inc. |
| Publication date: | 09/01/2018 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 640 |
| Sales rank: | 597,696 |
| File size: | 8 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
What Are Manners?
Manners are a way to express altruism in daily life. Either that or manners are a way to screw people over without their knowing it. Anyway, manners are what your mother always wanted you to have. Whether your mother is a noble idealist or a scheming bitch is something that must be decided by you.
How Can Good Manners Be Identified?
Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste, and style mixed together so that you don't need any of those things. Good manners have a number of distinctive qualities. First, they can be learned by rote. This is a good thing; otherwise most rich men's daughters could not be displayed in public. Secondly, manners do not vary from culture to culture or place to place. The same polite behavior that makes you a welcome guest in the drawing rooms of Kensington is equally appropriate among the Mud People of the fierce Orokaiva tribe of Papua New Guinea — if you have a gun. This is the advantage of Westernstyle manners. Citizens of Westernized countries still have most of the guns.
Another distinctive quality of manners is that they have nothing to do with what you do, only how you do it. For example, Karl Marx was always polite in the British Museum. He was courteous to the staff, never read with his hat on, and didn't make lip farts when he came across passages in Hegel with which he disagreed. Despite the fact that his political exhortations have caused the deaths of millions, he is today more revered than not. On the other hand, John W. Hinckley Jr. was only rude once, to a retired Hollywood movie actor, and Hinckley will be in a mental institution for the rest of his life.
How Do Good Manners Work?
Manners exist because they are useful. In fact, good manners are so useful that with them you can replace most of the things lacking in modern life.
Good manners can replace religious beliefs. In the Episcopal Church they already have. Etiquette (and quiet, well-cut clothing) is devoutly worshipped by Episcopalians.
Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident. Senator Edward Kennedy, for instance, may or may not be a moral person, but he is certainly a polite one. When Miss Kopechne seemed to be in trouble, Senator Kennedy swam all the way to Edgartown rather than run up a stranger's phone bill calling for help. You should be the same way yourself. If you happen to be on a sinking ship with too few lifeboats, take one and slip quietly away. There's going to be a terrific fuss among the drowning passengers, and it's rude to deliberately overhear an argument which is none of your concern.
Good manners can also replace love. Most people would rather be treated courteously than loved, if they really thought about it. Consider how few knifings and shootings are the result of etiquette as compared to passion.
And good manners can replace intellect by providing a set of memorized responses to almost every situation in life. Memorized responses eliminate the need for thought. Thought is not a very worthwhile pastime anyway. Thinking allows the brain, an inert and mushy organ, to exert unfair domination over more sturdy and active body parts such as the muscles, the digestive system, and other parts of the body you can have a lot of thoughtless fun with. Thinking also leads to theories, and theoretical correctness is always the antithesis of social correctness. How much better history would have turned out if the Nazis had been socially correct instead of true to their hideous theories. They never would have shipped all those people to concentration camps in boxcars. They would have sent limousines to pick them up.
Thinking is actually rude in and of itself. Manners involve interaction with others. You cannot, for instance, think and listen to what other people are saying at the same time. And what most people have to say doesn't merit much thought; so if you are caught thinking, you really have no excuse.
As a result of thinking's innate rudeness, thinking people are not often popular. Although the Curies were extremely famous, they were rarely invited out socially. They were too thoughtful. Also, they glowed.
The fact that good manners require interaction is finally their most useful trait. Manners force us to pay attention to the needs, desires, and hopes of other people. If you have good manners you will never become narcissistic and self-obsessed. A self-obsessed person is to be pitied; there are so many interesting people in the world, and while he's not paying attention to them, they will probably rob and cheat him.
CHAPTER 2The Fundamentals of Contemporary Courtesy
The purpose of old-fashioned manners was to avoid attracting attention. The reason for this was that old-fashioned manners were possessed by only a few hundred rich people. These few hundred rich people didn't want all the hundreds of millions of poor people to notice who had the money. If the rich, polite few started attracting attention, the poor, rude many might get together and commit mayhem the way they did in Russia. The heck with that, said rich people.
But nowadays there are hundreds of millions of rich people, and poor people have been pretty much rendered harmless by drugs and sleeping on sidewalks. Plus it's getting so you can't tell rich from poor anyway, what with Nigerian illegal immigrants selling Rolexes on street corners and Gloria Vanderbilt putting her name on blue jean behinds. The problem modern people have is trying to be special. Therefore, the purpose of modern manners is to attract as much attention as possible.
Greetings
The importance of conspicuousness in modern life has led to the phenomenon of "greeting inflation." Once, even the closest friends greeted each other with a polite bow. Today such reticence is almost extinct. A loud "Sweetheart," a slap on the back, chuck on the arm, tousling of hair, and a cheerful "Have a nice day!" will do if you don't know a person at all. But if you have even the slightest acquaintance with someone, it is usual to embrace him physically no matter what the circumstances. If you're carrying a briefcase or package, just throw it into the gutter. This makes a dramatic gesture of good fellowship.
If you actually know someone's name, twin kisses on both cheeks are expected and should be accompanied by some highly original term of endearment. "I love you" or "You're my best friend" isn't nearly strong enough. In California, where manners are more modern than anywhere else, people say, "I'd murder my parents to have lunch with you" or even "I'm so glad to see you that I'm going to give you gross points in my new movie." (The latter statement is a lie, by the way.)
Rebuffs
At one time there was not only an etiquette of greeting people but also an etiquette of not greeting them. This ranged in degree from the coldly formal bow to the "cut direct." The cut direct was delivered by looking right at a person and not acknowledging his acquaintance or even his existence. This is no longer done. It has been replaced by the lawsuit. Opposing parties in a lawsuit (and other enemies) are expected to greet each other like lovers — especially now when it's so fashionable for hostesses to invite people who hate each other to the same dinners. If the enmity is minor or philosophical in nature, argument — or, better, tableware throwing — may resume after a drink or two. But if the hatred is deep and well occasioned, the mutual detestors are expected to chat amicably throughout the evening.
Hat, Cane, and Gloves
What to do with your hat and cane is a perennial awkwardness when greeting people. If the cane is necessary, it should be replaced with a crutch, which will gain you much more sympathy.
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. When you put on a hat you are surrendering to the same urge that makes children wear mouse ears at Disney World or drunks wear lampshades at parties. Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman. Every style of hat is identified with some form of undesirable (derby = corrupt ward heeler; fedora = male model; top hat = rich bum; pillbox = Kennedy wife, et cetera). Furthermore, the head is symbolically identified with the sexual organs, so that when you walk down the street wearing a hat, anyone who has the least knowledge of psychology will see you as having ... a problem. A hat should only be worn if you are employed as a baseball player or are hunting ducks in the rain.
Gloves present another problem, especially when shaking hands. Men must always remove their gloves before a handshake. There is a good reason for this. A man can be very accurately judged by his hand. A soft hand indicates a lazy, unemployed person. A hard, calloused hand shows that a person is an ignorant and dull manual laborer. A cold, clammy hand means that a person is guilty and nervous. And a warm, dry hand means a person is incapable of feeling guilt and has the nerve to pull anything on you. A woman never removes her gloves. There's a good reason for this, too. A woman can also be very accurately judged by her hand, and why would she want to be?
The Handshake
Despite the popularity of more effusive forms of greeting, the handshake is omnipresent. It is now extended to everyone — men, women, old people, young children, and, especially, pet dogs.
It's important to develop a limp and affected handshake. A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it. Also, a firm, hearty handshake inspires confidence in others. People who go around inspiring confidence in others are probably looking to sell them something. You don't want to appear to be that sort.
Farewells
Much more important than greeting people is saying good-bye to them or getting them to say good-bye to you or getting rid of them somehow anyway. The one thing that can be safely said about the great majority of people is that we don't want them around. Be sincere and forthright about the problem. Take the person you want to get rid of aside and tell him he has to leave because the people you're with hate him. Say, "I'm sorry, Fred, but you can't sit down with us. Molly and Bill Dinnersworth hate you because you're so much smarter and more successful than they are."
This is nasty and flattering at the same time. And it makes life more interesting, which, if you're too sophisticated to just want attention, is the point of existence.
In Public
If you don't manage to get rid of everyone and end up having to go somewhere with a group of people, make sure the couples are separated and that each partner is escorted by somebody new. This will give everyone something different to fight about later.
Generally speaking, a man is supposed to walk to the left of a woman and also keep himself between her and the curb. Of course, it is frequently impossible to do both. But the great thinkers of all ages have been unanimous in their admiration of paradox.
Unless he is helping her into an ambulance or a paddy wagon, a man is never supposed to touch a woman in public. That is, he shouldn't if he's married to the woman. Nothing is more deleterious to the spirit of romance than watching a married couple hold hands.
If a man is walking down the street with two women, he should keep them both on his right and not appear between them like an acrobat taking a bow. Every authority on etiquette mentions this precept. But what no authority on etiquette mentions is how a man can manage to get two women in the first place. The best idea is for him to convince his wife or girlfriend to talk a friend of hers into a threesome. Most likely the result will be physically and emotionally disastrous. But everyone will get something juicy to tell the psychiatrist and something to romanticize in a diary or memoirs. Again, life is made more interesting.
It's no longer de rigueur for a man to burden himself with anything heavy that a woman is carrying, especially not a mortgage or someone else's baby. Nor should a man necessarily hold a door for a woman, unless it is a revolving door. It's not good manners to hold a revolving door, but it is lots of fun when other people are trapped inside.
Restaurants, Taxicabs, and the Theater
When entering a restaurant, a man should allow the woman to precede him to their seats. This lets her find a friend whose table she can stand at and chat for half an hour while the man gets a chance to glimpse the prices on the menu and has a clear shot to bolt for the door when he sees those prices.
A wise woman allows a man to enter a taxicab ahead of her so she can slam his hand in the door if he's been acting like an ass.
At the theater, concert, or ballet, a man allows a woman to take her seat first. He then holds her coat on his lap, along with his own coat, her purse, her umbrella, both programs, and any other personal effects. Safely hidden behind this mound of belongings, he can go to sleep.
The Importance of Being on Time
Whatever type of event you're attending, it's important to be on time. Being on time should not be confused with being prompt. Being prompt means arriving at the beginning. Being on time means arriving at the most interesting moment. Excepting love affairs, that moment is rarely the beginning.
"On time" is between midnight and four a.m. in New York, even for an eight o'clock play. Between midnight and four a.m. the actors will be getting drunk in a bar, and they'll be much more fun to talk to than when they're up on the stage.
In most other urban areas, "on time" is between twenty minutes and an hour late. This gives everyone else time to be late, too, and they'll appreciate it.
In the country being on time more nearly approximates being prompt. But don't overdo it. Being early is an unpardonable sin. If you are early, you'll witness the last-minute confusion and panic that always attend making anything seem effortlessly gracious.
In California, "on time" doesn't mean anything at all. An appointment for a meeting at three o'clock on Tuesday indicates there won't be a meeting and there might not be a Tuesday. Few words and no numbers have any meaning west of the Nevada border.
At Home
One popular way to avoid the problem of being on time is to stay at home and conduct your life over the telephone. This is very chic in New York. Even New Yorkers who occasionally go outdoors have taken to telephoning every person they know once a day and twice if any of them has anything awful to say about the others.
Living over the telephone has a number of advantages. It saves on cab fare and clothing budgets, and love affairs can be conducted without the bother of contraception or hairdressers. In fact, with judicious use of answering machines, a love affair can be conducted without the bother of ever talking to the loved one.
Making Up in Public
It's bad manners to apply cosmetics in public. It reminds people that you need them.
Smoking in Public
Smoking was once subject to all sorts of polite restrictions, but now it's just illegal. Therefore, there's only one remaining rule of etiquette about smoking in public: make sure you don't smoke anywhere else. Smoking is an inexpensive and convenient means of showing fashionable contempt for middle-class rules and regulations. Smoking also looks good. People who don't smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips. But, when no one's around to see you, it doesn't matter what you do so there's no point in smoking then.
If someone asks you not to smoke, tell him you have no intention of living to be an embittered old person. But thank him for his concern.
Nonchalance
Nonchalance about health and well-being is what gives smoking its charm. That same nonchalance is at the heart of all really good manners. The most fundamental lesson of etiquette is "be unconcerned." Proper behavior means always giving the appearance of unperturbed grace. This appearance is much easier to achieve if you really don't care about anything. And this is why people always seem to be on their best behavior right before they commit suicide.
Code of A Modern Gentleman
1. Never strike anyone so old, small, or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.
2. Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum security federal tennis prison.
3. Remember, the truth is rude. Consider the truth about where babies come from, especially some people's.
4. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
5. Never transmit a sexual disease in public.
6. Women and children should be protected in every tax-deductible way.
7. Don't pull on a crewneck sweater with a lit cigarette in your mouth.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Thrown Under the Omnibus"
by .
Copyright © 2015 P. J. O'Rourke.
Excerpted by permission of Grove Atlantic, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction xiii
Selections From…
Modern Manners (1983, revised edition 1989)
What Are Manners? 3
The Fundamentals of Contemporary Courtesy 5
Important People 11
The Bachelor Home Companion (1987, revised edition 1993)
We Are All Bachelors Now 19
How I Became a Bachelor Housewife 21
Bachelor Entertaining 25
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
Myths Made Modern 31
Ship of Fools 37
How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink 57
A Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace 64
The King of Sandusky, Ohio 68
Holidays hi Hell (1988)
A Ramble through Lebanon 79
Among the Euro-Weenies 104
At Sea with the America's Cup 118
Seoul Brothers 125
The Holyland-God's Monkey House 136
Third World Driving Hints and Tips 146
Parliament of Whores (1991)
Preface 153
The Mystery of Government 156
The Winners Go to Washington, DC. 165
Agricultural Policy 175
At Home in the Parliament of Whores 185
Give War a Chance (1992)
The Death of Communism 197
Return of the Death of Communism 206
Dispatches from the Gulf War 216
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Multiculturalism 265
Famine 279
Environment 298
Plague 329
Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut (1995)
A Few Thoughts on Humor and Humorists 359
The Welsh National Combined Mud Wrestling and Spelling Bee Championship 361
Fly-Fishing 369
Bird Hunting 374
Deep-Sea Fishing 385
Golf 391
Eat the Rich (1998)
Love, Death, and Money 399
Bad Capitalism 406
Bad Socialism 421
From Beatnik to Business Major 441
How to Make Nothing from Everything 456
How to Make Everything from Nothing 486
Eat the Rich 500
The CEO of the Sofa (2001)
"It's a Person!" 515
Kid Pro Quo 519
What You Learn from Having Kids 525
Summer 531
35th Anniversary of Elaine's Restaurant 534
Venice vs. Vegas 535
Blind (Drunk) Wine Tasting 541
The Memoir 551
Excuses for Republicans 555
Unpublished Introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 557
Peace Kills (2004)
Why Americans Hate Foreign Policy 563
Kosovo 573
Israel 581
9/11 Diary 597
Kuwait and Iraq 612
On The Wealth of Nations (2007)
An Inquiry into An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations 639
The Wealth of Nations, Book 1 647
The Wealth of Nations, Book 2 657
Driving Like Crazy (2009)
Sgt Dynaflo's Last Patrol 667
A Better Land than This 680
Reincarnation 693
Big Love 709
Don't Vote-It Just Encourages the Bastards (2010)
Politics Makes Us Free-And We're Worth It 715
A Digression on Happiness 725
The Purgatory of Freedom and the Hell of Politics 731
Taxes 742
More Taxes 745
Why I'm Right 747
Holidays in Heck (2011)
Introduction 759
Republicans Evolving 762
A Horse of a Different Color 768
A Journey to… Let's Not Go There 779
The Seventy-Two-Hour Afghan Expert 788
The Baby Boom (2014)
Prologue 805
In the Doldrums of Fun 807
The Prelude 817
Ripeness Is All 827
Big Damn Messy Bundle of Joy 836
Acknowledgments 843
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