The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton [NOOK Book]

Overview

Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell, gives the inside scoop about her owner--and gets downright catty--in this outrageous and hilarious parody.
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The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton

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Overview

Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell, gives the inside scoop about her owner--and gets downright catty--in this outrageous and hilarious parody.
Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780446562362
  • Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
  • Publication date: 6/27/2009
  • Sold by: Hachette Digital, Inc.
  • Format: eBook
  • File size: 2 MB

Read an Excerpt

The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries


By D. Resin

Warner Books

Copyright © 2004 Philip Brooke
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-446-69430-4


Chapter One

Nov. 01 |02

I've been Paris Hilton's dog for just under twenty-four hours now. I've been on both coasts, two airplanes, and three parties that you weren't invited to. Since yesterday. Afternoon.

Paris is like the United States Army of slack ... Paris Hilton will kill more time by 7 a.m. than most people will, ever.

I'm coming to you now live from a limo somewhere between here and Rodeo Drive, where I've been informed we will "get me looking right" for the film premiere we have scheduled for this evening. Discovering she didn't bring her credit card, Paris has wondered aloud if the five thousand in loose cash she has on her will be enough for "the dog stuff."

I have to say, for an animal that's been so forcefully bred behind the genetic eight ball that taking a shit requires me to stand on my tippy toes, this is shaping up to be quite a life.

Nov. 02 |02 Gravy Stain

I had no idea dog food came in this many varieties. Up until now I've been living on stuff that I thought was food. It kept me alive and I got it twice a day.

Here, it's food. Little bits of meat in gravy.

Plus, I've got the snack thing wired down tight ... all I have to do is wait by the top of the stairs on the second floor for a servant to bring a tray (they do it every few hours or so) and pop out at the last possible second, lean all my weight to one side like the Duke boys putting the General on two wheels, and bingo, a food storm. The food I can snag off the floor before the servant tries to kill me with whatever hand isn't holding his sprained ankle in place, or applying pressure to staunch a flow of blood is all mine.

I think this is what it's like when you people discover Internet porn for the first time. "I'm never leaving the house, ever!" I said aloud to a Pomeranian. Three Pomeranian dogs also live here in the LA house, and they're all completely stupid. Pomeranians are the dog equivalent of the short bus kids: you sort of have to be patient with them. Unfortunately, because they're small, yappy, and ubiquitous, they're the ones most people picture when they hear the term "toy dog." Real fond of barking at nothing and getting freaked out by their own tails. Not exactly Lassie. In fact, if they had done that show with a Pomeranian dog, it would have been much simpler: Timmy would fall down the well, Lassie would furiously lick itself for forty minutes, and then Lassie would turn around and psychotically challenge a small rock to a fight, which it would ultimately become intimidated by.

Getting away from the Pomeranians isn't too hard, as not too many moments tick by without Paris fussing over me in some way. It's not bad, it's just ... I mean, the novelty has to wear off a little eventually, right?

My New Owner

So far Paris has a slack, blank, almost Zen sort of ease that's like wallpaper to read but seems like it will be pretty easy to get along with.

Yesterday during brunch she knocked a skewerlike fondue fork off the edge of her table, which sailed into her thigh like a dart. It took her a full five minutes to even notice. The fork just sat there as if some tiny Columbus had annexed her left leg for the glory of Spain. I was too stunned to bark. When Paris did happen to glance down, she peeled the paper top off an individual pat of butter, yanked out the slightly impaled fork, and applied the paper as you would a patch on a rubber dingy.

She did all of this slowly, and I never saw any blood. Since she was wearing capri pants, I briefly wondered if her leg was actually fake, but her ankle was clearly flesh. You can't have a fake leg with a real foot, can you? In any event, that's pretty calm. She makes Miles Davis look like the Tasmanian devil.

Paris's sister Nicky is a little more of what you'd think of as normal, in that you don't find yourself wondering if she has any fake limbs.

Nov 04 |02 Wrong

Oh, for the love of God ...

I'm in a pink angora sweater.

Here I thought I was a pet, right, a companion, not a hood ornament. Turns out they couldn't get me to a specialty toy dog store on Rodeo Drive fast enough to put me in a pink angora sweater and place a big pink bow on my head. I'm one of those dogs now ... the kind that people cheer when a falcon swoops down and disappears into the sky with one in its talons.

We were noble animals once, you know. Chihuahuas were bred to be familiars to royalty. My kind was once thought to serve as a guide for the human soul after death.

I just saw my reflection in the limo window-I look like the shit that a very flamboyant shark would take after it ate Isaac Mizrahi. I would try to kick my own ass if I met me. Splendid.

Nov 05 |02

Reach Out and Torch Someone

Keeping up this journal won't be too hard, that's for sure. Paris has some sort of cell phone fetish: one or more of just about every form of tiny personal messaging device ever invented belongs to her arsenal. Handy for thumb-sized paws.

This morning I swiped a phone-messenger roughly the size of John Ashcroft's libido from a pile of about fifteen on Paris's nightstand. She thinks it's adorable that her dog wants to be like her "mommy."

I'll bet Joan Crawford thought the same thing when the kid asked for a typewriter. Seriously, I'm being made to wear a tiny scarf as I type this. I barely have a neck, mind you, but look, I get to have a scarf.

The scarf has bunnies on it.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries by D. Resin Copyright © 2004 by Philip Brooke . Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3
( 15 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(6)

4 Star

(2)

3 Star

(1)

2 Star

(0)

1 Star

(6)

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Sort by: Showing all of 15 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 19, 2012

    Uuuuuuuuuu?

    I looked up tinkerbell and i got this junk as my result!!!!!!!! How stupid is that!?

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 12, 2012

    Wat the.....

    I searched tinkerbell books & wat the he kk is this...

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 26, 2012

    Mn

    Whaaaaaat??????????????????im bored just to hear the title,im serious,nobody is ever even going to get the sample

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted July 14, 2011

    I wouldn't download it even if it were FREE!!

    Paris Hilton's dog? Really... Find something else better to do Paris.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 23, 2013

    Meloetta

    Gtg

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 24, 2013

    Cyrus

    Precisely. As to why you're confused, I told that "killerdog" to inform you of my being locked out, and he calls a meeting.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 23, 2013

    Amanda

    Sits and whaits for the meeting- the "evil" meeting. *team galecsy*(typo) amanda grunt

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 10, 2013

    Emma

    She looked around the room and layed on her back.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 27, 2013

    Flight

    "That's... ummm... nice? Anyways, I'm gonna play MC."

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 25, 2013

    Astro

    Ill try. But it wont be easy.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 13, 2012

    Tell me if it is a good book

    Is it a good book

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 18, 2006

    Are you serious?

    I am wondering what this useless girly would offer to the evolution of the species. Paris Hilton is a symptom of the general social-cultural pathology. When a talentless nothing becomes something and gets attention in the media, then the system has serious problems. The remedy is to ignore and cut off the power suplly of these phenomena. Don't fall in the hypnotic, sedating realm of the media. There are other more serious problems that stress humanity. THERE ARE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN DEALING WITH HILTON'S DOGS!!! WAKE UP MAN

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 22, 2006

    THIS IS SO HOT !!!!

    this is a really hot book not only is it hot but its really funny its acually tinker bells thouts about paris

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 11, 2004

    tinkerbell is a hott dog

    this book is so cute, totally a dog lovers book. it makes me want to buy a Tinkerbell dog

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 6, 2004

    Totally hot book!

    Buying this book, I figured it would be kind of dumb. I mean, it's supposed to be a dog writing in it's diary! But, it was really entertaining. By making hilarious comments about the sometimes odd antics of Paris Hilton and her posse, it was a great beach read. Also, it's something I could read over and over again.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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