Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants: Based on a True Story

Overview

This hilarious, whip-smart collection of essays from a top writer and producer of Six Feet Under crisscrosses from the highly personal (conflating her own loss of virginity and the Kobe Bryant accusations), to the political (what she has in common with Monica and Chandra), to the outrageously Los Angelean (why women wear huge diamonds and what they must do to get them). Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants is a genre-defying combination of personal essay and memoir, or a hilarious, unruly and unapologetic evaluation of ...
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Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants: Based on a True Story

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Overview

This hilarious, whip-smart collection of essays from a top writer and producer of Six Feet Under crisscrosses from the highly personal (conflating her own loss of virginity and the Kobe Bryant accusations), to the political (what she has in common with Monica and Chandra), to the outrageously Los Angelean (why women wear huge diamonds and what they must do to get them). Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants is a genre-defying combination of personal essay and memoir, or a hilarious, unruly and unapologetic evaluation of society, religion, sex, love, and -- best of all -- Jill Soloway.
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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
"In Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants, Soloway courageously dives right into her past — armed with a dangerous intellect, a prickly sense of outrage, and a scathing wit — and comes to the surface with a riotously good read...I can't help considering a woman who's this honest and this funny as nothing short of revolutionary."

— Salon.com

"Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants will remind you of those rambling, all-night-long, nothing's sacred talkfests that can happen with a good friend."

Glamour

"Sisterly, smart, funny, and vulgar, Soloway's debut deserves a space on the shelf beside David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs."

Entertainment Weekly

"FINALLY, a woman has written a hilarious manifesto for the post-feminist generation.... Soloway's wickedly entertaining prose and willingness to bare the most amusing, intimate moments of her life reveal the contradictory challenges of being a smart, sexy woman who wants to have it all."

New York Post

Publishers Weekly
There's one joke that Soloway, writer and co-executive producer of Six Feet Under, keeps coming back to, about a little girl who tells her mom a boy has paid her to climb a telephone pole. Her mom keeps telling her he just wants to see her panties... so the girl says she's "fooled" him, by taking them off. It's an apt metaphor for Soloway's view of women's situation today, which, she says, is ruled by the "Porno-ization of America," with younger women wanting breast implants and white boys thinking pimps are the height of cool. Soloway's rants are right-on and entertaining, too, probably because she includes herself among the occasionally deluded. She recounts her own 1970s upbringing as a liberated child who thought she might become president, only by seventh grade she'd "forgotten what Bella Abzug looked like" and gotten her "Ophelia card stamped." Fortunately, she recovered to become a delightfully sex-positive "Jewess" ("a word invented by others to conjure someone bossy... that I have reappropriated as prideful") who can joke about her cute "Jewish bush," her fun lesbian sister and her own unaccountable attraction to "Toolbelts" (hunky construction worker kind of guys). Soloway's book is an amusing work of feminist humor. Agent, Dan Greenberg. (Sept. 14) Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
Kirkus Reviews
Soloway, an Emmy-nominated writer for HBO's Six Feet Under, should have quit while she was ahead. Instead, she proffers this dreary collection of autobiographical essays describing her obsession with celebrities, the boring sex she's had, her shrink, her friendships with gay men, her dislike of dogs, her home office with the purple walls and the "hippie-dippie Moroccan bed." Soloway (whose short story "Courtney Cox's Asshole" was collected in Best American Erotica 2003 and caught the attention of director Alan Ball) is so fed up with the opposite sex that she wants to buy a tract of land in northern California, to be populated entirely by women; men can come for visits. Worried that a name like Wombtown would scare off potential recruits, she decides to call her haven Feather Crest. The author has a tiring penchant for WRITING IN ALL CAPS and using lots of exclamation marks!!! Despite her insistence in the introduction that this book is not mainly about sex, Soloway provides plenty of sex talk throughout. That would be fine if it didn't seem gratuitous and superfluous, but often it is. (Ex: "Have you ever had a penis in your mouth and thought, 'What the hell am I doing? I have a penis in my mouth!'" At least it wasn't all in caps.) Occasionally, Soloway gets a laugh-her comparison of Jewish men and construction workers in bed is pretty droll-but most of her attempts at humor are just not smart enough to be funny. Her musings on her son's Jewish identity are engaging, and the essay "Monica, Chandra, and Me" morphs magically from an intriguing analysis of Monica Lewinsky into a stirring ode to Soloway's parents and grandparents. But these elevated moments are too few. Embarrassing,self-indulgent and just plain boring.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780743272186
  • Publisher: Free Press
  • Publication date: 10/17/2006
  • Pages: 272
  • Product dimensions: 8.26 (w) x 5.52 (h) x 0.67 (d)

Meet the Author

Jill Soloway is an Emmy-nominated writer and co-executive producer for HBO's Six Feet Under and creator of Sit n' Spin, a night of comedic storytelling in Los Angeles, where she lives with her husfriend and her son.

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Read an Excerpt

Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants

Based on a True Story
By Jill Soloway

Free Press

Copyright © 2005 Jill Soloway
All right reserved.

ISBN: 074327217X

Chapter One: Coming Home

(early)

Camp Pinecrest

Every summer, Camp Pinecrest welcomes hundreds of young women from all over the country and the world. Campers ages 6-16 will find a nurturing atmosphere where they can explore, compete, create and discover! Camp Pinecrest provides the tools necessary to grow from a confident young girl into a successful woman.

With over 30 acres of grounds and extensive waterfront property, campers at Pinecrest choose between any number of activities, from swimming in Lake Michigan to learning new crafts in the Recreational Lounge. Pinecrest also offers tennis, basketball, various athletic fields, an obstacle course, and stables, with forty horses.

Camp Pinecrest can accommodate up to 200 girls per session. Campers are assigned a tent cabin, depending on their age. Typically, there are 10-12 campers per cabin and a counselor. Showers and bathrooms are located just a few steps away from the tents -- which are equipped with electricity.

Nearby Camp Woodview is our brother camp. Though we share some facilities, activities and experiences at Camp Pinecrest are still strictly female. The two camps do commingle on special occasions during each session. Remember, sessions are filling fast!

When I was twelve my favorite book was about a girl named Marjorie. Marjorie wore pigtails and went to sleepaway camp, with woods and water and tents and friends. I wanted to hang out with Marjorie, or if that wasn't possible, have a life more like hers. Overnight camp sounded like the perfect place to help turn me into a real girl instead of the Formica girl I was becoming in our hi-rise luxury apartment. It was 1977, and we had just moved to the Gold Coast, a neighborhood on the near north side of Chicago.

Ours was a universe of glass, chrome, Berber carpet, and many, many cubes my mom lovingly referred to as Our Parsons Tables. Everything was clean and shiny and in a specific order that never budged. Dinner always featured one of four rotating meats (ground beef, chicken, pork chop, lamb chop, repeat) followed by a Jim Brooks or Burroughs sitcom, then a Pudding Pop. It never changed. Well, to be fair, for a few months in 1982, we tried Tuscan Bars, but returned to Pudding Pops shortly after.

Some deeply longing part of me believed there was something better than the four walls of our airconditioned splendor, a real place without decoratorchosen taupes and caramels and corners. Even though the capability to google the words "summer camp-Midwest" was two full decades into the future, I was a crafty information gatherer and ordered myself a handbook called The Camp and School Guide out of the back of the New York Times Magazine section.

After poring over the book for a few days, I found the perfect place: Camp Pinecrest, a couple hours north, in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. Its brother camp was across the lake and contained boys with whom we would surely share socials and underpants-centered pranking. We asked around the families we knew and found out that Faith's best friend Shelly had been going there for years and loved it. Faith agreed to join me.

"I'm not sure if you're a sleepaway camp person," my mom warned me. But I knew she knew nothing! (said haughtily, to self) and had no idea about the new me, the me who would soon be whittling things from corncobs and singing, arm in arm, with other real girls. I hovered my hot breath over my mom's shoulder as she filled out the forms. She suggested we start with two weeks and see how it went, but I knew anything less than the full eight would be a disappointment. A week later, the welcome packet arrived, and I sharpened my pencil and began marching around, ticking items off the "Things to Bring" list.

The packet suggested we buy our supplies at a place called the Camp and School Store. It was in downtown Chicago, on the seventh floor of an old-style building on Wabash, all the units darkened by the L trains rushing past outside. The whole entity smelled like dentistry, with elevators that had kindly black men calling out the floors and gates that slid open revealing marble halls and gold-leaf lettering on cloudy white glass doors.

The store was all business: ceiling-high stacks of boxes and forms, forms, forms being checked off everywhere we looked. A pudgy, white-haired Jewish man led us around the store, looking over his half-glasses and pointing at exactly what the list demanded. In reverence to the camp colors, we got Brown and Gold everything -- stiff brown shorts, three crusty mustard polo shirts, brown army-issue wool blankets, stiff white sheets, pillow and duffel bag, labels for our names, brown socks, and canteens made of aluminum with brown canvas covers. My mom paid an exorbitant amount of money, and we packed the shopping bags into a cab and went home.

The next week was made up of more planning and meticulous packing. Whenever anyone asked me if I was scared, I'd harrumph and brush them off. After all, my sister would be there and so would Shelly, who I kinda knew, and soon I'd have friends of my own.

When the day came to leave, all of the parents drove their children to a parking lot where everyone bravely hugged good-bye. I hopped on the yellow bus. My sister sat with Shelly and I sat behind them. As they chatted about the eighth-grade girls, I looked around to try to spot the ones going into seventh who would soon be my terrific new bunkmates. The city was leaving us behind and nature, beautiful, real nature, filled the windows as we buzzed up I-94, then off into the north woods of Wisconsin.

We arrived and hopped off the bus. Camp looked exactly how I expected -- mossy, meandering paths with leaves everywhere, tall trees and sun-dappled trails to our tent cabins. It was beautiful and crunchy and rustic and it smelled of wet wood. My counselor, a tall, bossy, Naomi-type with big camp thighs and a homemade leather belt, met with my expectations. But sadly, my bunkmates did not. Marjorie was not among them.

They were seven buzzing girls who had known each other since their parents began sending them sleepaway to camp, probably from the age of three. These people were Not Jews. Not at all. But they weren't nature-y either. They were exactly like those old-money blondes with names like Paige and Braeden who went to the private schools in downtown Chicago. They had the hardened, sun-burnt shells of children raised by alcoholic women, left in the yard to play during two-day family parties. Nothing like us Soloway sisters. We were watched like hawks, never out of sight of our mother, never hungry, never bored. I was sure they'd love the way my bubbly personality would provide antidote to their leathered gentile lackadaisy.

Boy, was I wrong. They hated the living shit out of me. Maybe it was my ebullience. But probably, it was my wardrobe. It turned out the Camp and School Store list had just been a SUGGESTED list and not a REQUIRED list. As I made my bed with the itchy brown wool blanket, I noticed the rest of the girls had fluffy pink comforters plus sheets pulled from their home linen cabinets, soft as butter, washed weekly since forever.

In addition to their home bedding, each girl also brought mostly regular clothes. Regular clothes. Brown and Gold were only to be worn on Spirit Days, and then only if you were an enormous dork. Certainly not every day. And when it was Spirit Day, everyone wore lemon yellow cotton scoop-necks and satiny brown jogging shorts with white piping. Like a travel-anxiety nightmare, something had gone wrong in my packing. I had brought almost entirely mustard shirts and cardboard brown army shorts that my mother hadn't even washed first. Just one set of regular clothes. I started crying that night and became known as the Brown-and-Gold Crybaby to the Seven Shiksas. I had eight whole weeks to get through. But I didn't think I could stand one more second.

Faith, on the other hand, was doing fine, probably dabbling in a burgeoning lesbianism with her best friend, Shelly. Her cabin was chockful of tomboys who took their camping seriously and didn't judge one another on things like clothes. Faith loved camp, which should have come as no surprise, as she was incredibly athletic and a great swimmer. I hated things that involved rowing and floating, which most things there did. I have no idea why this didn't occur to me when I signed on. Perhaps I should have looked for a camp where girls filled their days with activities like impeccable research, ordering brochures through the mail, and economical packing.

Plus, this place had mosquitoes and bugs and spiders everywhere, including in the toilet and on the toilet seat, and thus, potentially, up my vagina. I was an outcast -- the freak in the stiff regulation camp clothes who slept under an army blanket and never peed. In the brutal heat of the Wisconsin summer, I was lonely and boiling and sweaty and sad.

Nothing went right for me. On the second night there, I found myself awake in the middle of the night, outside, lying on the ground. I had no idea how I got there. It turned out I had rolled out of bed in my sleep, and onto the floor, then right out of the space between the tent flap and the bunk floor. I may have slept outside for an hour. I got up, snuck back around to the front, and let myself in while the rest of the girls snored. I slipped back under my hard white sheets, covered in bits of stick, and prayed I would make friends soon with whom I could laugh about such an incident.

But friends were not in the cards for me. The girls not only didn't talk to me, they even appeared to not see me. They lived in a bubble where they held loud private conversations in front of me that left no way in. They never specifically bullied me, they just behaved as if I wasn't there. In fact, I bet if you found any of these Paiges or Braedens today, they wouldn't even remember me.

My loneliness was overwhelming and my crying myself to sleep wasn't attracting the attention it was supposed to. Even though my sister was at the same camp, our paths didn't cross. I was campaigning to get them to let me sign up for an all-indoor day, a triple class in Lanyards followed by two sessions of Advanced God's Eye. Faith was out getting Best New Water-skier medals and captaining a Sunfish solo.

Between activities, Faith and I could find very little time to talk. I finally arranged a meeting with her at the Canteen (not the silver ones with the brown covers but the one where you could buy a candy bar and stamps, like prison). I had hoped Faith would hug me and introduce me to some eighth graders who might wish to take me under their eighth-grade wings. But as soon as she saw my tears she gave me an excuse about having to get to the stables to muck out her new horse, Lucky, and made a mad dash. It turned out Faith was thrilled to finally have some friends who didn't know about her association with, apparently, the biggest crybaby in the world, me. Away from home and our mom's sweet inclusiveness rules, she didn't have to pretend like she cared.

The last straw came on day four, when my counselor -- who was supposed to protect me from my meangirl bunkmates -- pointed out to them something they hadn't noticed. She made fun of the way I was eating. I guess I pushed my food onto my fork with my fingers instead of my knife. I still do this today, having picked up this shtetl-fabulous habit from my parents, who for some reason, have no idea how to eat. At my table, Paige, Braeden, and crew knew how to use both pieces of silverware. They thought they were so big. The waterworks started again. I looked around to find Faith, but she had her back to me. I feigned a stomach flu and went back to the cabin to lie down.

The next morning I went to the camp director, Miss Wurher, who the rest of the year played the banker Miss Hathaway on The Beverly Hillbillies. I told her to call my parents -- that I was going home. She brought me to the screened-in camp office and showed me the phone, certain my mom would comfort me by telling me how strong I was and that I would get through it. She obviously had never met my mom, a woman whose parenting style could be boiled down to one sentence, repeated lovingly to me and Faith on the hour throughout our childhood: "Whatever your little hearts desire."My mom told me she was on her way. I hung up the phone and smiled smugly at Miss Wurher.

A few hours later my parents were there with a silver Volvo and an empty trunk. Miss Wurher scowled and suggested the three of us go for a walk. My dad got out a can of Off, sprayed us all down, and we followed her into the woods. She led us to a stump and a log in an area that may have been called The Sharing Glen.

"I really must tell you," Miss Wurher said liplessly, "that if Jill goes home from camp early, it will be a mistake she will regret for the REST OF HER LIFE."

The rest of my life. Wow. That was heavy. Could this bitch in the brown poly pants be right? She didn't even know me. And she obviously hated Jews. I did my best to dismiss her. I stared at the way the sun made patterns on my shoes. I looked at my dad's sandals, and his black socks against his hairy white legs. I contemplated the internal life of a nearby potato bug.

My parents stood up. "We appreciate your opinion, but we disagree," my mom smiled, and we all headed for the car. My dad had missed most of the conversation, because, as usual, he was listening to a Cubs game, with a skin-colored knob in his ear and beige cord down his shirt and into his pants pocket. In retrospect, he was actually a very forward-thinking early iPod advocate, the first person I knew to spend time in between his ears in public.

In fact, throughout my entire childhood, my dad was always listening to a Cubs game. Most of the time he did it covertly, only causing trouble during one of my sister's high school orchestra recitals when, during a sotto movement, he screamed out, "Run You Fat Bastard!"

Trying to hide my smile from Miss Wurher, I followed my parents back toward the main office and to the car. Once the doors were closed and we were on our way, I cried and cried, this time pink and purple tears of joy, not brown and gold tears of shame. When we got to the airconditioned splendor of our downtown Chicago apartment, I knew I would never go anywhere again, and that the ABC lineup -- All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital -- plus a Lean Cuisine for lunch and another for dinner, were the perfect summer program for me.

I had our apartment and my mother to myself for the rest of the summer. When Faith finally came home, she was tan, had long, thin tennis muscles in her arms, and a woven headband in her hair. I was bloated from the Stouffers salt content, happy, and pale. I didn't care. I knew Miss Wurher was wrong and that it wasn't a mistake at all. I was sure there'd be other travels and new adventures, places that were mine, where I would know how to stay, instead of run.

Costa Rica

With beaches stretching across most of the country and spring-like temperatures all year round, Costa Rica offers the perfect vacation environment. Though the tumultuous climate of its neighbors has ruined much of the tourism industry in Latin America, people from all parts of the world continue to flock to Costa Rica. It has enjoyed a reputation of being beautiful and safe, making it one of the most popular destinations for women traveling alone.

If you're looking for adventure, there are active volcanoes, waves suitable for world class surfing, and lush jungles to explore. Many endangered species of birds and animals find solace on Costa Rican soil, thanks to the country's progressive policies on conservation.

But Costa Rica is also a place to sit back, relax, and unwind in the warm coastal breezes and bright sunshine -- but be careful, time tends to disappear in paradise!

Some time after college I decided it was time for me to finally write my first book. I decided I'd better start getting some Real Experiences under my belt, on my way to becoming the next Kerouac, or better yet, the First Female Kerouac. (By the way, if any boys reading this aspire to be the First Male Soloway, I say, go for it.)

My boyfriend at the time was a British guy named Nigel whose nickname for me was Pudge. Nigel was not a nice fellow. Whenever anyone asked me to describe him, the only answer I could think of was, "Exactly like the Max Von Sydow character in Hannah and Her Sisters but meaner and younger." After our first date, any normal woman would have said, "You never speak, and when you do, it's only to insult me, my beloved television, and the United States. Thank you, but I'd rather not get together again." Instead, I stayed with him for four years. When I couldn't stand him any longer, rather than break up with him, I arranged this trip to another land. My plan was to come back stronger, like a real person who went places and did things, like a real writer. Like someone with the backbone to say something as simple as, "This isn't working out."

When I chose to escape to Costa Rica, it was because of books again. The first was a guidebook. Jesus, I love me a guidebook. Such nicely organized information. Regions are divvied into reasonable, doable chunks. They promise adorable cafes, taunt you with the word "pensione," and have sections called "For Women Traveling Alone," as if that's a reasonable thing to do.

The other half of the blame goes to a book by Mary Morris, called Nothing to Declare, found in the cheapie bin at Kroch's and Brentano's. Just as I wanted to be more like Marjorie the camp girl, I'd graduated to envying the life Mary described in her books. Mary was partial to South America and made repeated references to huts and gentle foreign lovers and plump women who taught her how to hang laundry on twine handspun from banana leaves. Latin America sounded scary, but everyone said Costa Rica was like a cute, doll version of Latin America. In fact, in Costa Rica, the national word is "Tico," and you know what? Tico means friend!

I was a freelance production assistant so I had some money saved and no work for a few weeks. I made my move very quickly. I ordered a last-minute cheap plane ticket over the phone and announced to everyone that I would be leaving that Friday. I truly have no idea why no one stopped me. My mom didn't wave my camp experience in front of me, although Nigel looked up from his dark beer long enough to say, "You'll never make it, Pudge." My dad was still listening to the same Cubs game. So I made a list and shopped, bought blank books to write in, and nylon pocket things for my documents. I packed everything perfectly in my brand-new backpack and went, by myself, at the age of twenty-three, to Costa Rica.

When I arrived it was late at night. I caught a cab to one of the places Let's Go Costa Rica said was clean and lovely and Young Travelers Congregated. Time to begin my adventures. I walked in the door of the hostel. It was hideous, and fluorescently lit with waxy linoleum tile floors, slick with the stench of cheap disinfectant. It was like checking into a foreign hospital for no good reason. There were no travelers sitting in a klatch playing guitar and inviting me to join them, so I went to my room and went to sleep.

I awoke the next morning jet-lagged and confused. What was I supposed to do now? I grabbed my duffel bag and went through the lobby. I walked into town and sat in a cafe, and cracked open my fresh travel journal. Yes, I was a subject now, not an object! I was Kerouac! Costa Rican men were standing at a counter drinking shots of espresso, and I hadn't seen that before, so I wrote it down. And waited. For another thought. Anything to write about. I hadn't even gotten through the first page and I was done. I closed the book and buried it deep within my bag so I wouldn't have to see it again. It would be the first of many beautiful, leather-bound journals, empty save page one.

I went outside and saw a lot of multi-colored buses and sixties-style architecture and inhaled thick black bus fumes. I wondered where the tortoises and monkeys and thatched-roof huts were. I got on a bus to go somewhere I'd read about.

But it soon became obvious Costa Rica was unwilling to share with me her waterfalls and palm fronds. My whole trip is a memory of running, getting to a town, checking in somewhere, not knowing what to do, checking out, reading the guidebook, finding a hut, finding it full of cockroaches and Australians, running again. I finally made a friend but decided I couldn't stand her mere hours later. I finally found a tour that would take me to the jungle but changed my mind because one last warning sign foretold rigorous physical demands. I knew what rigorous meant.

Happily, I also knew what resort meant. I opened my guidebook and flipped to the section. I didn't have much money left, but I had my parents' credit card and I knew how to use it. When we were kids, every last week of August, our family had gone to an expensive resort in Mexico or Jamaica. This was something I could do.

I took a taxi to a giant concrete ugly sixties pyramidshaped hotel. The lobby had more linoleum, this time disguised as marble. I didn't care. I checked into my room and breathed a sigh of relief. Ahhhh. No more stinky buses or hairy travelers or orange drinks in dirty bottles. This place had room service, and a pool. I changed into my bathing suit and went downstairs, jumping in within seconds. Again with the ahhhhh. I paddled around a little, got out, ordered a banana daiquiri and lay flat on a chaise. Yes.

No. Within a half hour I was drunk and burnt bright red, skin afire and bubbly. I guess I missed the part in the guidebook about Costa Rica being near the equator and all. I stumbled back to my room, applied aloe vera everywhere, then made a sticky hovel for myself under the starchy sheets, alternately cold and feverish. It felt like the worst flu I ever had. I cried. The next day my skin peeled off in sheets like dried Elmer's glue and I was ready to run again. But I couldn't go home. I had done Camp Pinecrest for four days; I needed to at least get past that.

I got on a bus to anywhere. Next to me was a young couple. The girl placed her hand on the boy's thigh, palm up, and I watched as it casually bounced with the rhythms of the bus on the bumpy road, telling the world she belonged to someone. The sight grabbed my heart, and I got off the bus and called Max von Sydow to tell him I missed him more than life itself and to please come and meet me in Torteluga. He told me to grow up and tough it out. I imagined him in Chicago wearing Miss Wurher's soft-perm hairdo and brown polyester pants.

After exchanging numerous "I Love You More's" with the man I despised, I hung up. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I paged through my guidebook. I came across a listing about an American who helped travelers find accommodations with local families. Hmmm. This sounded good. When I dialed the phone, little did he know the only acceptable thing he could have done was drive straight to me with a silver Volvo and an empty trunk. Instead he gave me the name and address of a lovely family who rented out rooms to travelers, and called ahead so they'd expect me.

I took a taxi a few towns away, clutching the address, determined this would be the Native Experience for which I'd come this far. We twisted and turned down streets with addresses ordered something like 1, 88, 3, 88, 765, 14, 88, and 14. Turned out they used the Random and Repeated system to number homes in Costa Rica. The driver finally found the house and dropped me off.

The host family was lovely enough but sadly, also had a linoleum floor and used too much cleanser. Nothing smelled like incense or wood or the way I wanted my Latin American experience to smell, just bug spray and cheap disinfectant. The family showed me to a room with a frayed bedspread. Ol' Brown-and-Gold Crybaby lay down and had at it again, snuffling her tears into the nubs of the chenille.

That night, we ate an awkward dinner of Beans and Rice with Delightful Gristle. I thanked my new family effusively and told them in my college Spanish how happy I was that I finally found a place in Costa Rica that felt like home, a place where I could just relax and use it as a base and really start to explore the country. Then I went back to my room and fell asleep at six-thirty.

I awoke at three in the morning, alert as a cat. Time to run. My host family snoozed, unaware their new guest was goin' on the lam. I wrote them a note in halting Spanish. It said "Tico, no esta usted, es mi," which I'd hoped meant "Friend, it's not you, it's me," but I now realize may have meant, "Friend, you're not you, you're me." Then I waited and watched out the window.

Soon the sun rose. In the distance, I saw a taxi go by. Then another. Then another. This was good. Taxis came here. I grabbed my bag and snuck out the front door, running like a kid who'd just left a pile of burning doodoo on their doorstep. I hailed the taxi and went to a pay phone. This time I was smart. I called my mom instead of Max von Sydow, and she told me that if my little heart desired to come home early, my little heart should come home early. I went to the airport and feigned an emergency stomach flu to a reservations agent and she arranged for me to get on the next plane.

I had about an hour to wait. I passed a room with a sign that said CHAPELand went in, hoping to squeeze in my transcendent travel experience. I pushed open the heavy door to find...more fluorescent light and linoleum. Someone should really put that in the guidebook: Costa Rica! Come for the Fluorescent Light and Linoleum!

I sat in a pew and looked up at the mommy who was going to have to be good enough until I could get home to my nice soft Jewish one. I think she was the Virgin Mother Mary or some such. I get confused and don't know why everyone is named Mary in Catholicism. Who's Magdalene? Which one was the prostitute? Which one was Jesus' mom? I don't know. If some of these chicks were named Kimberly or Donna it would help.

An hour later I was on the plane, and five hours after that I was home, sweet home. It was years after camp and so my mom's browns and tans had been traded in for art deco pinks and grays, but the couch felt just as good. I promised myself and the world, I would never go anywhere again.

I spent the next few days watching All My Children and eating Lean Cuisines, and soaking up the air conditioning and velour pillows. God, was I happy. I may have been ruined for life, but at that moment, for all I cared, Miss Wurher could eat my snatch while Max von Sydow and the Costa Rican host family watched.

To close, if this book helps one person not travel, it will have been worth it. That's right, unlike Mary Morris or Let's Go, Jill's book says: Let's Don't Go, Okay? Seriously, don't. Go anywhere. Television is plenty interesting. Also, women shouldn't travel alone. No one should, not even men. It's really lonely. If you have to travel, travel with someone. Also, sleepaway camp sucks, especially Camp Pinecrest, where the woman who runs it, Miss Wurher, is a big fat stupid Jew-hating bitch.

& copy 2005 by Jill Soloway



Continues...



Excerpted from Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants by Jill Soloway Copyright © 2005 by Jill Soloway.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction A, or, The Porno-ization of America

Introduction B, or, He Just Wants to See Your Panties

Introduction C, or, Summer Needs to Come Already

1 Coming Home (Early)

2 Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants

3 Lotion Bag

4 Monica, Chandra, and Me

5 Please Don't Try to Kill Me After You Read This

6 Found My Way in LA

7 Jill of Finland

8 Shoemaker's Daughters

9 Black was Beautiful

10 Everything Happens for a Reason

11 Why Jews Go to the Bathroom with the Door Open

12 Diamonds

13 Lesbo Island 204

Appendix 1, or, Brain Pickin's

Appendix 2, or, More Pickin'

Appendix 3, or, Oh, Yeah

Application to live on Feather Crest

© & copy 2005 by Jill Soloway

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 25, 2005

    Funny Meets Smart

    A friend of mine gave me a copy of Jill Soloway's book, and I wasn't sure at first if I would enjoy it....but I found her to be the kind of friend I would love to have. My only problem with this book is that I missed almost an entire night's sleep reading it! Soloway reads like the love child of David Sedaris and Gloria Steinem....I think she's one of the best new comic essayists to come along since Sedaris. Highly recommended.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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    Posted September 12, 2010

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