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Q: How do you breed contempt?
A: Have a baby.
Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .
I’m not as innocent as you think I am. You don’t realize it because you’re blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you’re holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.
Unapologetic.
Unplugged.
Unswaddled.
Be warned . . . it’s not always adorable.
"Brilliant." —Redbook
Fussy Loves Company
Why are you always on me about being fussy?
You’re fussy.
You’re fussy if you’re tired.
You’re fussy if you’re hungry.
You’re fussy when you have gas.
You’re fussy when there’s nothing on TV.
You’re fussy when you’re too hot or too cold.
You’re fussy in the morning before caffeine.
You’re fussy when I wake you up
in the middle of the night.
You’re fussy when you look in the mirror
and don’t like what you see.
You’re fussy when your mother pays too much
attention to you.
You’re fussy when your mother doesn’t respond
to your call.
You’re fussy when you’re over- and/or under-stimulated.
You’re fussy sometimes for no apparent reason at all.
The gist is
we’re not so different—
you and me.
Clearly, the fussy nut
has not fallen far
from its fussy-ass tree.
Suck It
Can you explain to me
what makes you
so very uncomfortable
with my pacifier?
I like to suck.
You taught me that.
I got rewarded for sucking.
I got fed. With warm, delicious milk.
I felt close to you.
Heck . . . I felt close to achieving Nirvana.
Can you blame me for wanting to keep that sense of
peace and oneness going for just a little longer?
Sucking on something makes me feel like I might
have a chance at being a truly successful human being.
Can you say that about any of your vices?
You wish you could find something that makes you feel this good about life.
Something that wasn’t bad for you . . .
didn’t rot your liver,
give you cancer,
slow down your brain.
Just clean, honest impulse satisfaction.
It’s hurting no one.
Except maybe you and your fragile sense
of confident parenting
in the face of some random stranger’s perceived judgment
while
on line
at
CVS.
iConfess
iHave
to
say
that
sometimes
iLove
your
iPhone
more
than
iLove
you.
iSorry.
The Sounds of Being Humiliated
“What’s the doggie say?”
Oof. Ooof.
“What’s the kitty say?”
Me-owww.
“What’s the rooster say?”
Ack-a-doodle-doo.
“What’s the lion say?”
Rawr.
“What’s the pig say?”
Oink. Oink.
“What’s the horsie say?”
Nay-ay-ay.
Okay.
Enough.
I’m out.
I’m done.
I’m bored.
I am not your puppet.
I am not your clown.
I am not your trained monkey.
Eee-eee-eee.
Have You Thought This Through? 2
Where Are My Hands??!!?? 4
Cry Guide 6
Some Changes Around Here 8
A Piece of Me 10
Nipple Confusion 12
Tummytime 13
You Can't Handle the Truth 14
Big Blue Ball 16
The Conditions of Unconditional Love 19
Same Old, Same Old 21
Giving You What You Need 24
Creative Solutions 26
Who's Right Is Right and Who's Wrong Is... 27
The Middle of the Night 30
Fussy Loves Company 32
My Window 34
Attachment Parenting 36
The Spice of Life 37
Thinking Inside the Box 39
Just Go Already 40
First Visit to the Doctor 42
Another Lost Sock 44
What the Fuck Is That? 45
You Cry It Out, Bitches 47
I've Never Seen This Man Before in My Life 50
I Won't Dance...Don't Ask Me 52
Styling My Self 53
One of the Annoying Things About You 55
I'm Not Okay 57
People Are Strange 59
A Little Space Here? 61
Tata & Gampy 62
Tee(vee)riffic 64
Walking a Fine Line 65
You're Starting to Scare Me 67
Cease and Desist 68
Building Our Community 70
More Fiber in My Diet 72
To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born? 74
On a Short Leash 76
Suck It 77
iConfess 79
My Feelings About My Feelings 80
The Sounds of Being Humiliated 82
Me Do 83
NO 85
A Battle of Wills 86
You What??!!? 89
All in Good Time 91
Meaningful Consultation 93
Acknowledgments 95
Bookstore_Mommy
Posted April 9, 2012
Absolutelky hilarious. I was reading at work - and laughing, no actually guffawing out loud. Let's just say it is a delightful read.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted June 18, 2012
I purchased this book after reading an excerpt where the baby wonders what happened to his hands. After watching my daughter and daughter-in-law swaddle their babies like little burritos, I could not stop laughing when reading this baby's thoughts about being swaddled! The book has thoughts about every stage in a baby's life, and after purchasing copies for both girls, we constantly quote from this book, because it's all so true!!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted April 16, 2012
No text was provided for this review.
Overview
Q: How do you breed contempt?
A: Have a baby.
Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .
I’m not as innocent as you ...