To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?: Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers

( 3 )

Overview

Q: How do you breed contempt?
A: Have a baby.

Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .

I’m not as innocent as you ...

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To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?: Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers

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Overview

Q: How do you breed contempt?
A: Have a baby.

Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .

I’m not as innocent as you think I am. You don’t realize it because you’re blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you’re holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.

Unapologetic.

Unplugged.

Unswaddled.

Be warned . . . it’s not always adorable.

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  • To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?
    To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?  

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“Twisted, clever and hilarious. I laughed out loud on every single page. You'll never look at your child the same way again." —Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, author of Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay

"Brilliant." —Redbook

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781451660654
  • Publisher: Atria Books
  • Publication date: 4/10/2012
  • Pages: 97
  • Sales rank: 540,168
  • Product dimensions: 5.70 (w) x 7.60 (h) x 0.60 (d)

Meet the Author

Suzanne Weber is best known for creating, performing, and writing as the character Anita Liberty, a performance poet who achieves notoriety by devoting her entire career to humiliating her jerk of an ex-boyfriend in public. A native New Yorker, Weber currently resides in Los Angeles where she writes books, television pilots, Facebook status updates, tweets, and her daughter’s second-grade homework.

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Read an Excerpt

iConfess

iHave

to

say

that

sometimes

iLove

your

iPhone

more

than

iLove

you.

iSorry.

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Table of Contents

Have You Thought This Through? 2

Where Are My Hands??!!?? 4

Cry Guide 6

Some Changes Around Here 8

A Piece of Me 10

Nipple Confusion 12

Tummytime 13

You Can't Handle the Truth 14

Big Blue Ball 16

The Conditions of Unconditional Love 19

Same Old, Same Old 21

Giving You What You Need 24

Creative Solutions 26

Who's Right Is Right and Who's Wrong Is... 27

The Middle of the Night 30

Fussy Loves Company 32

My Window 34

Attachment Parenting 36

The Spice of Life 37

Thinking Inside the Box 39

Just Go Already 40

First Visit to the Doctor 42

Another Lost Sock 44

What the Fuck Is That? 45

You Cry It Out, Bitches 47

I've Never Seen This Man Before in My Life 50

I Won't Dance...Don't Ask Me 52

Styling My Self 53

One of the Annoying Things About You 55

I'm Not Okay 57

People Are Strange 59

A Little Space Here? 61

Tata & Gampy 62

Tee(vee)riffic 64

Walking a Fine Line 65

You're Starting to Scare Me 67

Cease and Desist 68

Building Our Community 70

More Fiber in My Diet 72

To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born? 74

On a Short Leash 76

Suck It 77

iConfess 79

My Feelings About My Feelings 80

The Sounds of Being Humiliated 82

Me Do 83

NO 85

A Battle of Wills 86

You What??!!? 89

All in Good Time 91

Meaningful Consultation 93

Acknowledgments 95

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 5
( 3 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 3 Customer Reviews
  • Posted April 9, 2012

    Absolutelky hilarious. I was reading at work - and laughing, no

    Absolutelky hilarious. I was reading at work - and laughing, no actually guffawing out loud. Let's just say it is a delightful read.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 18, 2012

    A must for any Mom or Grandma!

    I purchased this book after reading an excerpt where the baby wonders what happened to his hands. After watching my daughter and daughter-in-law swaddle their babies like little burritos, I could not stop laughing when reading this baby's thoughts about being swaddled! The book has thoughts about every stage in a baby's life, and after purchasing copies for both girls, we constantly quote from this book, because it's all so true!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 16, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing all of 3 Customer Reviews

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