Tonto: An Autobiography of an Odd, Addled, Autistic Dachshund as Told to His Master

Tonto: An Autobiography of an Odd, Addled, Autistic Dachshund as Told to His Master

3.7 4
by Darrell Bain
     
 

This isn't really a science fiction story, but what other category do you put the story of a talking dog in? Especially when it's the story of the dog who was the avatar for the science fiction novel Bark! And finally, a talking dog makes it science fiction in my book, even if he did do it only that one magical night. When you read about what Tonto has to say for…  See more details below

Overview

This isn't really a science fiction story, but what other category do you put the story of a talking dog in? Especially when it's the story of the dog who was the avatar for the science fiction novel Bark! And finally, a talking dog makes it science fiction in my book, even if he did do it only that one magical night. When you read about what Tonto has to say for himself, you may have trouble believing a dog would think that way, but it's all true, I swear. I listened to his tale as he lay in front of the fireplace with me on a cold winter day. I don't know what happened that made it possible that one time for me to understand dog language, but I took advantage when it occurred and wrote it all down. I sat still and let Tonto talk. That's when I discovered I didn't know my dog near as well as I thought I did but after all, I was the one who asked him to tell about his life in his own words and in his own way so you would know what a really--um--exceptional dog he is. You see, Tonto is sort of addled and--but this is his story. Let him do the talking. You just kick back and read about his life and enjoy yourself. That's what I did, even though I knew a lot of it already. That one cold evening by the fire when Tonto suddenly began talking gave me an entirely different perspective on a dog's life. Maybe it took a full time author plus a special dog and a special evening to make the magic of understanding dog language work. It's never happened again, which is perhaps just as well. Tonto is pretty much full of himself already, to hear him tell it. If it got to where he could talk and make himself understood any time he wanted, no telling what kind of additional trouble he might getinto--and he gets in enough as is. Just read what he had to say that one time and you'll understand.

Read More

Product Details

ISBN-13:
2940000122600
Publisher:
Double Dragon Publishing
Publication date:
10/01/2007
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Sales rank:
1,214,719
File size:
283 KB

Read an Excerpt

BEGINNING

Hello, humans. My name is Tonto. I'm a dachshund dog, which in case you don't know is the finest kind of dog to be, especially if you get in as much trouble as I do. Long wiggly type dogs can escape predicaments better than those big brutes like German Shepherds and Labradors. Besides, I'm a special dog. You see, I have Doggie Asperber's Syndrome. That's a kind of autism that makes people sort of addled but also allows them to concentrate their efforts when they have a mind to. That's how come my master can understand every word I say right now, because I'm focusing so hard. Sometimes Master calls me strange and thinks I have ADHD and well ... yes, I guess I am a little addled, but it's not my fault. I was born this way. I'm also cross-eyed and can't jump and have trouble chewing and have no sense of direction which is why I used to get lost so often, and I was born with only one testicle, but that's no real handicap. I functioned better with one than most dogs can with two when I still had it. Just ask that lady dachshund across the road and if she could talk, she'll tell you that's the absolute truth.

I'm always getting into trouble because of my handicaps but I can't help it. Did I tell you how the thunder monsters are always after me and the vacuum cleaner monster and the airplane boogers and the car monsters and lots more. If you had all those boogers and monsters always after you, I bet you'd be a little addled and prone to trouble too, wouldn't you? I guess it's a good thing I have a lot of lives like those dern cats do because I sure have used up a lot of them. Being so unusual like I am and having all those handicaps don't bother me a bitbecause I have a good master and mistress and they take good care of me even when they do get aggravated at me. They know monsters and boogers are out there and don't like me so they're sympathetic.

Once you've heard my story, you'll also understand how I became the avatar for my master's science fiction novel Bark! where a little weenie dog like me not only saves the earth from a strange type of alien invaders but helps you humans get rid of a bunch of crooked Washington politicians while he's at it! Only a dachshund doggie like me could have managed that feat. By the way, that story has been published in digital form and so

Bark! is available now as an eBook at www.fictionwise.com and www.ereader.com and the print rights have been sold to LL Publications for a three figure advance. Print publication is tentatively scheduled for early in 2008. My master was very happy about that and gave me lots of treats for serving as the model for the doggie in that story, but shucks, I would have done it for nothing. Heck I can't help it. I'm just the way I am and he wrote a story about a dog like me. I haven't seen any aliens yet, but I bet I could take care of them just as good as that dog in the story did any old day. The Tonto in Bark! is fictional but this story of my life is true. I am my master's miniature dachshund, Tonto, the only tool-making and tool-using dog anyone has ever heard of or read about, and also the oddest little dachshund anyone has ever seen. I am truly one of a kind, and I am a perfect example of the phrase "Marching to the beat of his own drummer." That's how I got to serve as an example for that story, Bark!

I have not exaggerated a single episode here. I am a good example of the old adage "Truth is Stranger Than Fiction". I honestly don't know how I have survived as long as I have, but as my master and mistress say, I hope he goes on for years and years, amusing and amazing them as I go my happy bumbling way through life, completely unaware that I am different than other members of my species. They think I honestly believe I am a real dog! Shucks, I know I'm real. I'm telling you this story about my life, aren't I? They're not going to argue with me, that's for sure. I'm money in the bank as soon as this is published. Who knows? One day aliens may actually arrive on earth. If so, be at ease. Tonto will protect you!

Read More

Customer Reviews

Average Review:

Write a Review

and post it to your social network

     

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See all customer reviews >

Tonto: An Autobiography of an Odd, Addled, Autistic Dachshund as Told to His Master 3.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
"I know, I know. I'll tell her tommorrow. First thing."
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I only read sample so far and i am very intruigued. Soo cute!! I love dachshunds.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago