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Hello, humans. My name is Tonto. I'm a dachshund dog, which in case you don't know is the finest kind of dog to be, especially if you get in as much trouble as I do. Long wiggly type dogs can escape predicaments better than those big brutes like German Shepherds and Labradors. Besides, I'm a special dog. You see, I have Doggie Asperber's Syndrome. That's a kind of autism that makes people sort of addled but also allows them to concentrate their efforts when they have a mind to. That's how come my master can understand every word I say right now, because I'm focusing so hard. Sometimes Master calls me strange and thinks I have ADHD and well ... yes, I guess I am a little addled, but it's not my fault. I was born this way. I'm also cross-eyed and can't jump and have trouble chewing and have no sense of direction which is why I used to get lost so often, and I was born with only one testicle, but that's no real handicap. I functioned better with one than most dogs can with two when I still had it. Just ask that lady dachshund across the road and if she could talk, she'll tell you that's the absolute truth.
I'm always getting into trouble because of my handicaps but I can't help it. Did I tell you how the thunder monsters are always after me and the vacuum cleaner monster and the airplane boogers and the car monsters and lots more. If you had all those boogers and monsters always after you, I bet you'd be a little addled and prone to trouble too, wouldn't you? I guess it's a good thing I have a lot of lives like those dern cats do because I sure have used up a lot of them. Being so unusual like I am and having all those handicaps don't bother me a bitbecause I have a good master and mistress and they take good care of me even when they do get aggravated at me. They know monsters and boogers are out there and don't like me so they're sympathetic.
Once you've heard my story, you'll also understand how I became the avatar for my master's science fiction novel Bark! where a little weenie dog like me not only saves the earth from a strange type of alien invaders but helps you humans get rid of a bunch of crooked Washington politicians while he's at it! Only a dachshund doggie like me could have managed that feat. By the way, that story has been published in digital form and so
Bark! is available now as an eBook at www.fictionwise.com and www.ereader.com and the print rights have been sold to LL Publications for a three figure advance. Print publication is tentatively scheduled for early in 2008. My master was very happy about that and gave me lots of treats for serving as the model for the doggie in that story, but shucks, I would have done it for nothing. Heck I can't help it. I'm just the way I am and he wrote a story about a dog like me. I haven't seen any aliens yet, but I bet I could take care of them just as good as that dog in the story did any old day. The Tonto in Bark! is fictional but this story of my life is true. I am my master's miniature dachshund, Tonto, the only tool-making and tool-using dog anyone has ever heard of or read about, and also the oddest little dachshund anyone has ever seen. I am truly one of a kind, and I am a perfect example of the phrase "Marching to the beat of his own drummer." That's how I got to serve as an example for that story, Bark!
I have not exaggerated a single episode here. I am a good example of the old adage "Truth is Stranger Than Fiction". I honestly don't know how I have survived as long as I have, but as my master and mistress say, I hope he goes on for years and years, amusing and amazing them as I go my happy bumbling way through life, completely unaware that I am different than other members of my species. They think I honestly believe I am a real dog! Shucks, I know I'm real. I'm telling you this story about my life, aren't I? They're not going to argue with me, that's for sure. I'm money in the bank as soon as this is published. Who knows? One day aliens may actually arrive on earth. If so, be at ease. Tonto will protect you!
Posted December 28, 2012
Posted December 30, 2010
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