Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

Break Free of Ambivalence

Too Good to Leave / Too Bad to Stay spoke to me in a way no other self-help book ever has. Mira Kirshenbaum clearly understands those of us stuck in a cycle of thinking that keeps us confused and that prevents us from acknowledging the truth of our relationships and making a decision in one direction or another. In a gentle, yet frank and straightforward manner, she guides her readers through a series of questions, purposefully designed and ordered, which if answered honestly, can help break the cycle of ambivalence. She anticipates the reactions and emotions ambivalent thinkers might have and the comments they might make which would cause them to focus on less important, or unimportant, details and redirects their thinking away from the cycle of ambivalence. She offers plenty of examples to illustrate and clarify her questions, again directing the reader away from ambivalent thinking. And with each question, once answered, she offers a response to the unasked "But how do I know it's the right decision?" thought by relating the probability of happiness and satisfaction based on the numbers of people who have made the same choice. She never tells her readers what choice to make - only that they should be true to their own feelings and desires and willing to act on the truths that make sense to them. She offers hope for the future. This is, without a doubt, a book written with the purpose of helping those who have been unable to see their way clear to helping themselves, and Mira Kirshenbaum's desire to do that is evident on every page.

9 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

A good 'sanity' check

I thought it was an excellent book. It helped me through a very difficult time of trying to decide whether to stay in a marriage or not. I finally decided that it was too broken to attempt to fix it and left. I am a happier person, and I think my ex is too. I really liked the approach of 'symptoms' as opposed to pros vs cons. If you are not sure about your relationship, if you are doubting yourself -this book is a good sanity check.

6 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

Irresponsible

This book contains lots of food for thought, but the objective, empirical presentation is irresponsible, as is the author's failure to hold the reader accountable for his or her own part in the marital discord. By the time most people pick up a book like this one, they are so angry and unhappy that it is hard for them to see their own contribution to the problem. That self-focused examination is essential if you don't want to repeat in your next marriage the exact same problems you have in this one. If you want out because you are too hard-headed to see your part in it, then this book will open the door for you to go. There is little discussion of the need for both partners to grow up - if not for themselves and their own happiness, then for the sake of their kids.

6 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

DANGER!!

This book ALMOST ended our marriage... If a person is unhappy and looking for someone to support them in NOT looking at themselves but blaming the partner for everything this is the book. If you want to save your marriage look elsewhere. If you are set on ending your marriage, then no need to read this unless you are looking for someone to tell you it's 'ok'.

5 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

Helped me tremendously!

If you are looking for someone to make the decision for you, this is not the book for you. If you are looking for something to help you really examine your relationship with someone because you feel you have done your very best and need a more clear view, this is the book for you. It asks leading questions that make you actually think about the dynamics of your relationship and whether it is not as bad as you thought or worse (as was my case) than you thought.
When I went looking through the books in the store and I was thumbing through it, this one hit home so hard and so accurately that I actually cried in the store.

3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Need help deciding your future

Sometimes we are so immersed in a situation, we cannot see clearly.
Twelve years ago, this book and it's commonsense advice helped me
come to a final decision about leaving my marriage of 25 years. It
gave situations people might be involved in - and gave clear cut
comments on these situations--Eg: "Most people in this situation found
they were happier if they stayed, or if they left the relationship"
It helped me see more clearly during a time when my self confidence and self esteem were nil. Thank you Mira.

3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

Fantastic approach to solving relationship ambivalence

The title said it all to me- I was in a relationship that was "Too good to leave [and] too bad to stay". Kirshenbaum lead me through stages of trying to solve which one was really true. Based on her experieces counseling real couples (and their happiness with their decisions to stay in or get out of relationships) this book takes a new approach to "weighing" the situation.

Essentially, the book asks a series of questions that try to get to the bottom of your relationship- if it is really too broken to fix or if it has too much potential to abandon. It was very helpful to have a book that encouraged action; when you're in relationship ambivalence you put all your energy into trying to decide instead of trying to fix the situation or trying to get out and over it. By examining everything through Kirshenbaum's questions, you can hopefully decide what is best for you and act on it.

I'd highly recommend this book to anyone stuck in the relationship grey area the title describes.

2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

What an eye opener

This book opened my eyes to the basic fundementals of a good relationship. It allows you to walk through your relationship and answers questions on your own. It also helps to encourage you through the process with very positive remarks here and there. I would recommend as you read this book to not only look at what is offered to you in your current relationship, but to also read this and examine yourself. There are certainly enough subjects approached to help correct either your current relationship or help you examine yourself when starting a new one.

1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Invaluable

I found this book at a time when I was evaluating whether to stay with my husband. It helped me to focus on what was really important to me. I've shared it with a few friends whose relationships were troubled.

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Thought provoking

This book is very helpful if you are struggling with the decision to go or stay. I would recommend this book for people who are comtemplating marriage, as it will help to clarify your situation so you can be sure you are not making a mistake.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

A Must have

Best book I have ever read in this category. I have referred it to a handful of friends. Even if your relationship isnt troubled currently it is a great book to get under your belt to help you should trouble arise. Gave me clarity

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Very helpful

I was going thru a time when I just wasn't sure if I wanted to stay or go. This book made me realize what I have, and how sometimes even when we say we don't expect perfection, a lot of times we still do. Not to say that everything is roses all the time now, but I have a better way of looking at things. This book really helped me, and I was able to work on my relationship because of that.

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Great Tool

This book is a great tool to help you evaluate your relationship (I was married for 11 years) I read this book and felt right about my choice to leave (abuse....physical and mental), it was a destructive relationship and I am glad I found this book!

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

SAVED MY MARRIAGE!

I actually bought this book in the hopes that my husband who was waffling about leaving, putting me on an emotional roller coaster, would read it. I just brought it home, matter of factly, with some others that I was going to read. He picked it up, read it, showed up at my office the next day with flowers, saying that he wants to work it out! I asked him what changed since he was so sure he wanted to leave the day before, and he said 'the book'....

1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

LAWYER BOYFRIEND'S CPA GAVE ME THIS BOOK!

When I found myself torn about staying with or leaving my relationship of 4 years, I was both shocked and validated in my frustration when my lawyer-boyfriend's Accountant and CPA told me to read this book. The CPA told me he had also gave my lawyer-boyfriend's ex-wife (they were married 20 years and divorced)this same book to read because their marriage was so destructive to themselves, their 2 kids, and everyone else around them! It was a living hell 24/7 being around this man, his ex, his kids, his friends, his clients. Thank God his CPA gave me this book!

1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Seriously?

This book generates the mind, but confuses the spirit. I read with the idea that a solid truth would emerge by the end of the book. But, is life this black and white? I doubt that. This book lists 'diagnostic criteria' to tell you to leave or stay, and then in the last chapter, it states if you answered 'yes' to any single 'diagnostic criteria' then you would be better off leaving. If only life were that simple, none of us would need self help books. On the other hand, this book did enlighten the spark of decision making in my brain. It gave concrete examples of couples that made choices that affected their life. Certainly can be used as a tool, but not as a checklist.

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

My Guide For A Relationship.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay is a really good book. I like the idea of putting many different stories about good and bad relationships in a book. Readers can find one of the stories and relate to them. Some readers will make a better decision after they read this book and some might have to end theirs. I'm a teenager, and i think this is a really good value. I haven't experience any kind of 'too good' or 'too bad' relationships, but i would say this is a perfect book for teenagers because it will help us to know what is a right relationship and what is not before we start one.

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

The Last Resort

I think this book is very helpful to someone who has tried everything possible to make their relationship work including taking responsibility for their own actions in the relationship but still is stuck in ambivalence. This book gives the clarity to see the situation as it is, not as it could be or should be. Reading this book gave me alot of clarity to my 8-year, yo-yo relationship. The book does not tell you what to do, but gives you the information to make a decision that would be beneficial for everyone involved, and helps you to see that being stuck in a state of confusion is not helping your relationship one way or the other. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has tried everything and is still confused as to what to do about their relationship.

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

A Very Helpful Book!

If you are at a crossroads about your relationship, this is an excellent book to help you examine your situation and assess whether to move on or try to continue on together.
If you are suffering from what Kirshenbaum calls "relationship ambivalence," you should get this book!

Reality Check - very helpful

This book helped to provide reality check without driving my friends crazy ranting about my relationship issues. Helps to force self reflection about what is truly in the heart and mind and what is explosion of emotions.