Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair

( 15 )

Overview

Written by respected pastor and marriage counselor Dave Carder, this revised and expanded version of Torn Asunder sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both partners. With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims of adultery, the perpetrators, ...

See more details below
Paperback
$14.09
BN.com price
(Save 17%)$16.99 List Price

Pick Up In Store

Reserve and pick up in 60 minutes at your local store

Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (23) from $4.88   
  • New (11) from $8.94   
  • Used (12) from $4.85   
Torn Asunder

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK
  • NOOK HD/HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook - New Edition)
$10.49
BN.com price
(Save 17%)$12.74 List Price

Overview

Written by respected pastor and marriage counselor Dave Carder, this revised and expanded version of Torn Asunder sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both partners. With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims of adultery, the perpetrators, and those who seek to help hurting couples.

Along the way Carder also answers questions like:

  • Why did this happen?
  • We didn't actually sleep together. Is it still an affair?
  • Can I trust my spouse again?
  • Should I reveal a secret affair?
  • What if my spouse doesn't want me back?
  • What do we tell the kids?
Read More Show Less

What People Are Saying

From the Publisher

It is biblical. It is well researched. It is hopeful. It is practical. Dave Carder not only knows the subject, he lives in integrity as a man who walks his talk. His life, his teaching, his character, and his competency assure the reader that this book will change lives.
-Dr. John Townsend, Author
Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780802471352
  • Publisher: Moody Publishers
  • Publication date: 10/1/2008
  • Edition number: 3
  • Pages: 320
  • Sales rank: 87,464
  • Product dimensions: 5.90 (w) x 8.90 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author


DAVE CARDER currently serves as Pastor responsible for Counseling and Marriage Ministries at the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton. He holds graduate degrees in Biblical Literature and in Marital and Family Therapy as well as the Michigan Limited License in Psychology and the Marriage and Family Therapy license in California. Dave has published five books, one of which won The Gold Medallion Award in Personal Evangelism in 1993. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have four adult children and five grandchildren. In their spare time they enjoy jogging.
Read More Show Less

Read an Excerpt

Torn Asunder

RECOVERING FROM EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS
By DAVE CARDER

Moody Press

Copyright © 1995 David M. Carder with R. Duncan Jaenicke
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0802477488


Chapter One

Infidelity is woven throughout the fabric of our culture. From television shows such as "NYPD Blue," "Melrose Place," and "Sisters," to the pages of our daily newspapers, infidelity is all too common-and is being glamorized to our youth.

For example, it's a well-established political fact that the Kennedy clan-starting with family patriarch Joseph Patrick Kennedy and his long-suffering wife, Rose, on down through sons Bobby, John (JFK), and Edward (Ted)-has been plagued by this usually secret behavior pattern. Marilyn Monroe and others have openly admitted to liaisons with the former president and his brother Bobby. "Womanizing was a family tradition," says Kennedy biographer and Northwestern University professor Garry Wills. "The family game of `chasing' is part of the self that was built up by all three imitators [sons] of their magnetic father. Passing women around and boasting of it was a Kennedy achievement."

Our national conscience is being seared to the point where we're not even shocked when we hear such things. For example, when this book went to press, an author was making the rounds of national TV talk shows (Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, Larry King) talking about his latest book, How to Cheat on Your Wife and Not Get Caught. Sound like a hoax? No, he's serious, promising in his promotional materials to teach readers "how to lie successfully," "how to have the edge over a clever or suspicious wife," "how to avoid feeling guilty," and "how to outfox your wife's detective."

What's more, statistical studies back up the headlines. In the general population some reports suggest an astounding 50-65 percent of husbands and an equally shocking 45-55 percent of wives have had extramarital affairs by the time they are forty. Statistics within the Christian community are more difficult to come by, due to the shame placed upon such behavior by those circles. But a study of pastors sponsored by Christianity Today found that 23 percent of the 300 pastors who responded admitted to some form of sexually inappropriate behavior with someone other than their wives while in the ministry; 12 percent admitted to extramarital intercourse; 18 percent confessed to other forms of sexual contact (such as passionate kissing or fondling); only 4 percent said they were found out.

True, the percentages among Christians are lower than those among the general population, but there is probably a large degree of underreporting among the clergy, due to the stigma attached to such behavior. Regardless of the fact that the numbers may be too low to reflect reality, they are still far too high for Christian leaders. And the sad thing is that among their parishioners the incidence of infidelity is probably close to the general population's. And that's far too high for those who carry the name of Christ.

It has been well said that people and the Word of God are the only two things worth investing one's time in. And it's people's stories that I'll be sharing-with names and certain circumstances changed, of course-in this book. As you and I walk alongside the various people we meet in these pages, we'll share their pain and try to learn something about this most devastating of marital events, the extramarital affair.

As we get started, I want to share the story of Ben and Lynn. It epitomizes so many aspects of this painful subject that it'll get us off on the right foot. Later in the book we'll take a more in-depth look at their story.

The "Perfect Match"

Ben grew up in a warm, affectionate family, with lots of hugs and nurturing from Mom and lots of special times with Dad, smiling and sharing hobbies. Ben had Dad's aptitude for drama and theater. It was natural for him to follow in Dad's footsteps, and numerous individuals began to talk about his abilities superseding those of his well-known father, who had done quite a bit of community theater in their area. Dad had founded a Christian radio ministry and was not threatened by that talk-he always encouraged Ben to pursue his interests. Mom and Dad were supportive emotionally and financially all along the way.

Lynn, on the other hand, lost her father to illness at the age of six. Mom and the two girls bonded together in their little family and continued on. There wasn't a lot of time to feel sorry for yourself-Mom worked long hard hours, and the two girls did all the household chores including cooking. They did all right, though no one had time to relax, be frivolous, or have fun. Everybody became very efficient, and the place ran like a well-oiled machine.

Ben and Lynn met in college and became quick friends and dates. Ben loved Lynn and the smooth way things always ran when she was in charge. He had a tendency to be spontaneous; his mom said that was true of all good actors. Intuitively, he knew Lynn would be good for him with her organized ways.

Lynn found in Ben that warm gregarious masculinity that she had been missing most of her life. He provided the fun and security, and she provided the efficiency and productivity. Together they seemed a natural.

Graduate school for Ben (in broadcasting like his father) followed marriage, and three children came along. Lynn handled it all in stride. Ben moved into his father's organization as a producer/director and was doing extremely well.

It seemed there was no end to what needed to be done at home, and they were all constantly on the run. The kids were constantly traveling to and from games, lessons, and school. Going to a private school meant the kids' best friends didn't live in the neighborhood, and that meant additional driving. Changing clothes, putting on makeup, grabbing lunch-all were done in the car on an everyday basis.

Ben and Lynn would joke about it occasionally and lament with other couples caught in the seemingly endless round of activity. But nothing ever changed. As he lay in bed watching the late news one night, Ben glanced down the hall at Lynn carrying the folded clothes to each of the kids' bedrooms. She was a great mother, but somewhere along the line, Ben felt as if they had got off track. But how could he complain? He knew Lynn was exhausted after each day.

Their marriage looked good, even perfect. But Ben's doubts and sense of emptiness didn't disappear. At first he tried to put such thoughts aside. When that didn't work, he tried to talk with Lynn, but there never seemed to be time. She was always in high gear, cooking, cleaning, and helping with homework.

"Success" at Work

Gradually, Ben became more and more involved in his new position, and his concerns about their busyness and lack of communication waned. The new position was demanding, but Ben rose to the occasion and won the admiration of his colleagues both inside and outside the studio.

Several members of the broadcast team were openly complimentary of Ben's efforts, and he found himself thriving on their recognition. His assistant producer, Whitney, especially seemed to admire his work. She was warm and fun-loving but also extremely efficient and productive. When it was one hour until air time, she could really make things happen.

Ben naturally admired that combination of talents in Whitney. She was married but had no children. She brought humor to an otherwise rather serious process. Most of the team took themselves seriously, but she was humble. Though capable, she didn't seem to be overly enthralled with herself.

They started catching meals together in groups after broadcasts. Once only the two of them and another woman could make it, and they all had fun. They talked and laughed about some of their families' recent experiences, and it was refreshing for Ben.

As he drove home, he thought about how long it had been since he had spent that kind of time with Lynn. He vowed to change that and asked her to set aside time for a date that weekend or the next. But after several last-minute cancellations for orthodontist appointments and school conferences, he gave up trying to break into Lynn's jam-packed schedule.

Things Heat Up

Soon Ben and Whitney were eating together after the broadcast more often than not. After shutting down the studio, she would stop by his office briefly to say thanks for his capable leadership. In addition, they often saw each other socially with a variety of other couples. At times, Ben felt a little uncomfortable with her obvious admiration, but her marriage appeared secure and he dismissed his concerns.

That is, until one night after the broadcast when she stopped by to say her usual thanks. He couldn't believe the sudden rush of emotion he felt. He wanted her to linger longer, but she left quickly. On the way home he felt confused. He wished he could talk about it with Lynn, but he knew that was out of the question. That's all Lynn needs-to hear her husband is falling for another woman. So he put it out of his head.

To keep himself from falling for Whitney, Ben tried to put some distance between them. Apparently he was successful, because after a taping several months later, Whitney stopped by and asked if she could talk to him. He knew he should have said no, but the hurt in her voice appealed to his sense of fairness. He knew he needed to tell her why he was avoiding her.

As she sat down, Ben didn't even wait for her to bring up the subject. He blurted out that he thought he was failing in love with her and therefore needed to stay away. She shared mutual feelings of affection for him. Over the next several months it became a full-blown love relationship.

After about eight or nine months, Ben began thinking about getting out of the affair. He was concerned with Whitney's spontaneous comments around other people-they were starting to raise eyebrows. She was becoming increasingly careless about how she acted around him, and he could sense that she really didn't care who found out about their relationship. He tried to talk to her about it, but their time together always was so short and intense that he couldn't seem to get the point across.

So far, no one knew, even though Lynn had quizzed him about Whitney's behavior. The pressure was building, and he was having to increase his deceptions. Where was he? When would he be back? Why this expense? He hated lying to Lynn, but by now it had become a way of life. Whitney was worth it to Ben, or so he thought.

When she started talking about their leaving their mates and getting married, he was frightened. He couldn't do that to his reputation, his kids, his wife, his parents, his career. That was too much to give up for Whitney, no matter how much he loved her. Whitney started actually making plans to leave her husband, and Ben realized that their relationship meant even more to her than it did to him. He was feeling increasingly trapped but still couldn't bring himself to end it.

Now Whitney was talking dates-an actual departure time and how they would plan their wedding. Ben became more nervous and upset. Still nobody knew about the affair. He had had some close calls but had always managed to weasel out of them. But to give it up or to go away-neither seemed necessary. Why can't Whitney just leave it like it is? he mused, bothered by her insistence on escalating the intensity.

Such questions generated anger and accusations from Whitney. She claimed that he really didn't love her and was backing out. He sensed a threat of blackmail. With his high profile in the radio ministry, she'd have leverage against him. She demanded more and more of his time. His anxiety was sky-high.

At home Lynn's sexual overtures turned him off. All he wanted was to be left alone. But when he was with Whitney, it was special. It sort of made up for all the pain at home.

Finally after one of his agonizing mental back-and-forth sessions, Ben decided once and for all that maintaining the deception wasn't worth it. He knew he had to break it off.

After their next broadcast, Whitney, probably sensing his turmoil, pressed him for an actual runaway time. Even though he had prepared to end the affair, when she mentioned the actual departure, it appealed to him. What an escape! No more having to maintain the facade. Ben heard himself saying yes to all her plans, but in his head he knew he had to go home and tell Lynn the truth. It was now or never.

The Revelation

Lynn went berserk, as he expected. She immediately called Ben's boss, the executive producer. Until the producer and his wife arrived, Lynn stayed in the bedroom alone sobbing.

Lynn heard the doorbell, and she came out as they walked in. It was like a torrent from a broken dam. She swore at Ben repeatedly, called him every name she could think of, asked questions about the affair, but started swearing at him again before he had a chance to answer. The torrent of swearing, name calling, crying, and raging finally began to subside after a couple of hours.

The producer's wife was shocked and overwhelmed. The producer himself was concerned about the ministry since Ben was so highly identified as the son of the founder and Whitney was known in the industry as working with him. He asked a lot of detailed questions that reflected his own sense of betrayal and his feeling stupid for having the wool pulled over his eyes.

Lynn learned some facts from listening to Ben talk to the producer. When Ben cried from time to time, she found herself alternating between pitying Ben and getting even angrier at him-What a hypocrite he is, she kept repeating to herself.

When she heard that Ben and Whitney had been planning to leave town that weekend together, she ran to the phone in the bedroom and called Whitney's husband. She wanted to kill both of them and even told Ben he ought to leave with Whitney and get out of her life. At first she screamed at him to leave the house, then she changed her mind.

Finally the producer and his wife were ready to go-but before leaving, the producer summarily fired Ben right on the spot, telling him to have his desk cleaned out before the next round of tapings. There was no appeal, no consulting with the board of directors, no suggestion of therapy to help Ben recover from his shattered moral condition and be restored to his ministry or even to his wife. Ben was so ashamed at that point that he just agreed to disappear quietly. He didn't know of any other option.

Two weeks later, they pulled out of town, Ben driving the U-Haul and Lynn in the van with a trailer and two of the kids. A 1,500-mile trip lay ahead. They were moving in with his parents in Florida. They had nowhere else to go.

A New Beginning

The questions from his parents ruined their arrival.

Continues...


Excerpted from Torn Asunder by DAVE CARDER Copyright © 1995 by David M. Carder with R. Duncan Jaenicke
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Read More Show Less

Table of Contents


Foreword
Acknowledgements
Prologue: A Letter from "The Other Woman"

Section 1: Understanding Extramarital Affairs

1. "What God Hath Joined Together": In Pursuit of Healing for Shattered Marriages

2. Sorting Out the Chaos: The One-Night Stand and Sexual Addiction

3. Sorting Out the Chaos: The Entangled Affair and the Add-on Affair

4. Causes: Environments That Allow Affairs to Flourish

5. Other Factors Contributing to Infidelity

Section 2: Healing from Affairs

6. Understanding the Recovery: The Infidel's Process

7. Understanding the Recovery: The Spouse's Process

8. Why? Deciphering the Message of the Affair

9. Anger in Affairs: Getting Good Out of Getting Mad
10. Can I Trust You Again? Rebuilding Trust

11. "And They Shall Be As One": Restructuring Intimacy

Section 3: Special Circumstances

12. To Tell or Not to Tell? The Secret Affair

13. Emotional Affairs: Hooked, Played-out, and Desperate for Release

14. When Your Spouse Doesn't Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment

Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3
( 15 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(5)

4 Star

(2)

3 Star

(1)

2 Star

(3)

1 Star

(4)

Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation

Reminder:

  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

 
Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
Sort by: Showing all of 15 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 11, 2012

    Puts most of the blame on the spouse who was not cheating.

    I bought this book because a counselor suggested it. I was very shocked that the spouse was blamed and the infidel was to be consoled and pitied for the most part. I know I had my share in it, but this is even more hurtful. No matter what the spouse has or hasn't done NOTHING justifies adultry. The primary guilt is to the one who goes outside the marriage"

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted August 15, 2014

    Amazing and helpful for marriages in crisis

    For me personally, this book provided so much helpful information and insight as to what I could do to help to try and restore my very own marriage. Also, making me aware of the disrespectful things I had unknowingly said and done to my husband when a husband deserves respect from his wife. Conversely a wife needs to be loved by her husband as Christ loved the church. When these things do not occur between both parties and both are not in agreement in the repair of the marriage God cannot honor the marriage. However, I learned in Torn Asunder that when both spouses "feed" the marriage, God then not only honors but gives Favor upon the marriage as only He can! God does not like divorce and unfortunately in our society it is far too easy to do so. For me, I will not give up on my spouse without fighting for what we vowed to one another on our wedding day. I pray that God convicts his heart to do the same as I love him so very much. God bless anyone who is going through any type of marital storm, I pray that God will place His healing hand on the situation and bring you through it a stronger and more devout Christian. More importantly, that you will have a closer walk and relationship with Him.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 26, 2013

    The only book you'll need

    If you are in recovery from an affair, you need only read this book. He's spot on in everything he says. He in NO WAY blames the betrayed spouse for an affair.
    This will educate you on why an affair happens, what will happen upon disclosure, and what you can expect the future to be like.
    Follow his program to repair.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 24, 2010

    Great Book!

    Loved this book. Could not put it down. If you have gone through something similar it is a must read. Very educational and inspiring. Easy to read and follow. Have not put ideas to work yet, but truly belief he is on the right track on how to survive after an affair.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 19, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted June 26, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted June 24, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 25, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted May 24, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 29, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted February 2, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted December 17, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 14, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 28, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted June 23, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing all of 15 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)