Read an Excerpt
See also Clothes
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
There’s one thing about baldness. It’s neat.
I’m casual; you’re messy; she’s a slob.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
His hair is getting thinstill, who wants fat hair?
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
P. G. Wodehouse
Her hair has more body than I do.
It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Arguments & Fighting
Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.
Bette Davis (in All About Eve)
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
Abigail Van Buren (aka Dear Abby)
When someone says they don’t mind, they mind.
Clothes & Fashion
When in doubt, wear red.
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
You can be better dressed when you own a lot of stuff.
Helen Gurley Brown
You mean those clothes of hers are intentional?
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.
Olympia Dukakis (in Steel Magnolias)
One-third of your life is spent in bed, two-thirds of your life in clothes.
E. L. Brentlinger
I say dress up every day; you never know when you’re going to meet your next husband.
Diets & Dieting
See also Food
[She thinks] you don’t get fat if no one sees you eating.
Nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
[She’s] a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts eating.
“How long does getting thin take?” asked Pooh anxiously.
A. A. Milne
Never eat more than you can lift.
I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.
Please sir, I want some more.
Charles Dickens [Oliver Twist]
Dumb Dumber Dumbest
Except where noted, all these descriptions were created by the well-known and oft-quoted Anonymous.
You’re not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
Kathleen Turner (in Body Heat)
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
He’s half a bubble off plumb.
She’s two bees short of a hive.
Sad The good Lord only gave her first gear.
I can see the wheel spinning but the hamster’s dead.
Strong as an ox, with the brains of a tractor.
He’s a taco short of a combination box.
Her intellect is rivaled only by garden tools.
She comes from a shallow gene pool.
Any dumber he’d be a begonia.
His tray table is not in its fully upright and locked position.
dumber than a bag of hammers.
He’s as dumb as a salad bar.
He’s not flying on all thrusters.
Mr. Spock (Leonard Nimoy)
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Rita Mae Brown
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
A joy that’s shared is a joy made double.
The door to happiness opens outward.
If you don’t enjoy what you already have, how could you be happier with more?
Happiness is a direction, not a place.
People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Jobs & Work
The trouble with work is it’s so daily.
Beware the barrenness of a busy life.
I think that maybe in every company today there is always at least one person who is going crazy slowly.
Few great men could pass Personnel.
No man ever listened himself out of a job.
They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.
Ronald Reagan [also attributed to Charlie McCarthy/Edgar Bergen]
Beware of any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Henry David Thoreau
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
One of the signs of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
To be successful, the first thing to do is fall in love with your work.
Sister Mary Lauretta
To love what you do and feel that it mattershow could anything else be more fun?
A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on.
Babies are such a nice way to start people.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Having a baby is like getting the world’s worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay.
Diaper backwards spells repaid. Think about it.
All children are essentially criminal.
Do not allow your children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.
Attributed variously, including to Steve Allen and Fran Lebowitz
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The thing about having a baby is that thereafter you have it.
Adolescents turn on youthat’s their job.
Don’t make a baby if you can’t be a father.
National Urban League slogan
Remodeling is a mental illness of late pregnancy.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies!
Butterfly McQueen (in Gone with the Wind)
No one has a normal childhood.
Everything else you grow out of, but you never recover from childhood.
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.
Harold S. Hulbert
Who knows the thoughts of a child?
They fuck you up, your mum and dad .
Parents & Parenthood
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.
You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
John J. Plomp
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
Let your children go if you want to keep them.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you’ve given birth.
Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world, a mother’s love is not.
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.
See also Friends & Enemies; Marriage; etc.
You want monogamy, marry a swan.
Steven Hill (in Heartburn)
Men and women, women and men. It will never work.
There is no way to take the danger out of human relationships.
Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.