Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up And (Re)Learning To Live Together Happily

by Susan Newman

Overview

As nest eggs shrink, parents are moving in with their adult children and grandchildren in record numbers. Similarly, with jobs scarce and unemployment high, more and more adult children, be they recent college grads (77% of them in 2009) or on their own for a while, are returning home to their parents.

Under One Roof Again squarely addresses the inevitable and sensitive issues—from money matters to boundaries—that arise when formerly parent-child relationships become adult-adult ones. Drawing on her own research with family members already living together and on academic studies, social psychologist Susan Newman, a leading authority in the family relationship and parenting fields, provides solid advice for avoiding the snags and building stronger family ties when family members rejoin each other for long or short time periods.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780762758593
Publisher:	Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Publication date:	06/01/2010
Edition description:	First Edition
Pages:	256
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Susan Newman, PhD, is a recognized authority in the field of family relationships and parenting.  She maintains a blog about parenting for Psychology Today magazine, and is the executive editor of Elder Care Solutions, a newsletter devoted to elder care distributed to national corporations, government offices, and major companies, as part of Work & Family Life.  She is the author of 13 nonfiction books, including several classics in the family/parenting field, and toured extensively for them, appearing on national and local television and radio, including The Today Show, Good Morning America, 20/20, Larry King Show, NPR’s Talk of the Nation, NBC Nightly News, ABC News, CBS News, CNN, FOX, and more.  Her work has also been featured in the country's leading syndicated columns, as well as in national magazines. She has two Web sites (www.susannewmanphd.com and www.thebookofno.com) and is regularly featured as a parenting expert on The Learning Channel—Surviving Motherhood, Nickelodeon, and Moms Club Web sites. Her articles and blogs can be found online at grandparents.com, babycenter.com, about.com, iVillage.com, webmd.com, etc.

Table of Contents

Author's Note xiii

Introduction xv

Live Together? "Unthinkable!"

"Boomerang" Gets a New Definition

Multigenerational Families Make a Comeback

Mutual Admiration Society

All Together Now

Chapter 1 The Art of Living Together 1

Moving In or Just Visiting?

Reluctant Residents

The Family System

Siblings With and Without Attitude

Together Again-The Challenge

Chapter 2 Establishing Boundaries 17

Whole Lot of Changing Going On

Putting Ground Rules in Place

Ground Rule #1: Being Considerate

Ground Rule #2: Protecting Your Privacy

Ground Rule #3: Sticking to Food Preferences

Ground Rule #4: Respecting Others' Time

Ground Rule #5: Protecting Your Time

Solving Time-Eating Dilemmas

Chapter 3 Great (and Not so Great) Expectations 32

Remembrance of Things Past

Knowing the Players

Great Expectations

No One Is a Mind Reader

Family Meetings Resolve Issues Quickly

Lowering Expectations

Chapter 4 Money Matters 50

In These Changing Times

The Generational Divide

Your Fair Share

Pooling Resources

Stuck on the Giving or Receiving End

It's Not Always about Money

Chapter 5 Pushing Your Buttons 68

The Parent-Child Trap

Coping with Control and Manipulation

Short-Circuiting Criticism

Moving Beyond Hot-Button Issues

Chapter 6 From Bedroom to Den and Back Again 92

Finding Space

Welcome Home

Combining Two Households

Sharing Space

What's Mine Is Mine...and Yours

Some Privacy, Please

There's No Place Like Home

Chapter 7 Together and Apart 109

Separate Lives

Carving Out Time

Give Yourself a Break

Building Social Networks

Chapter 8 The Dating Life 122

Friends and Lovers

Adult Children, Single and Dating

Sleepovers-Possible or Not?

Parents Dating

Answering to Your Adult Child

Emotions Run Deep on Both Sides

The New Dynamics

Chapter 9 Homeward Bound at Twenty-Something 137

Twenty-Somethings Return to the Nest

You Were Commander in Chief

Older, But Not Totally Wise

The Job Hunt

The Care and Feeding of Parents

The Ultimate Plus for Everyone

Chapter 10 Older and Headed Home 158

Ready or Not, Here I Come

Beyond the Blame Game

When Parents Disagree

Choosing to Live with Parents

My Parent/My Friend

Chapter 11 Parents and In-Laws Moving In 171

We All Agree

Understanding Parents and In-Laws

Don't Underestimate What a Parent Can Do

Dealing with Quirks and Difficulties

Smart Decisions for the Entire Family

Modeling for the Next Generation

Chapter 12 "Grandma Said I Could" 186

The "First Grandma" Sets the Stage

Generating Trust

Grandparent Trap #1: Safety Concerns

Grandparent Trap #2: Too Much Interference

Grandparent Trap #3: Overindulging Grandchildren

Grandparent Trap #4: At Your Beck and Call

Grandparents Fill Essential Developmental Roles

Working Together

Building Bonds

Pure Love

Chapter 13 You Can Go Home Again 205

The New Normal

All Grown Up and a Place to Go

Expect Less, Get More

For the Long or Short Haul

Surprising Outcomes: I'm Still Here

Resources and Related Reading 217

Acknowledgments 225

Index 226

About the Author 231

Editorial Reviews

In her author’s note, Newman (The Book of No, Parenting an Only Child) compares the mystery of functioning families to the splitting of the atom and the prevention of global warming. Living in harmony with one's returning child and/or family or one’s parents is about as complicated. To help with the resurgence of this phenomenon, Newman offers practical considerations, from protecting privacy and sticking to food preferences to dealing with money and respecting others’ time. Verdict: Newman covers all the bases, and her book is essential reading for those facing this situation. Following her advice can make the difference between enjoying the richness of another generation or simply tolerating it.”

—Library Journal (starred Web review)

“A ‘how-to’ guide for every imaginable glitch that can and will arise. [Newman] makes it seem fun, adventurous, and a compassionate journey full of surprises, joys.”
—William Poy Lee, author of The Eighth Promise: An American Son Pays Tribute to his  Taiwanese Mother

 

“Susan Newman provides a master class in establishing boundaries, setting realistic expectations, handling the reversion into childhood roles, and guilt.”
—Sharon Naylor, author of Home from the Honeymoon

“This innovative book will normalize, infuse dignity, inspire hope.”
—Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, author of Liking the Child You Love

“Wonderfully insightful and comprehensive.”
—Susan Ginsberg, EdD, editor/publisher of Work & Family Life Newsletter

“[A] down-to-earth, straightforward book. .. [that] deals with the sensitive issues.”

—Allan Zullo, coauthor of A Boomer’s Guide to Grandparenting  

“Dr. Newman’s message is reassuring and reverses the conventional wisdom that coming home is a burden.”
—Irene S. Levine, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry, New York University School of Medicine, author of Best Friends Forever

From the Publisher

Psychologist Newman offers sound advice in this veritable "how-to" manual for parents and adult children who are navigating a new family dynamic, whether it be an adult child moving in with his or her parents or a parent moving in with his or her child. She covers the intricacies of intergenerational cohabitation, focusing on emotions, boundaries, money, food preferences, and dating. (LJ Xpress Reviews, 6/18/10)

Library Journal