Untying the Knot: Ex-Husbands, Ex-Wives, and Other Experts on the Passage of Divorce

by Deborah Brodie (Editor), Ashton Applewhite (Foreword by)

Overview

Amidst the pain and upheaval of divorce is a chance to grow and begin again. This unique book offers comfort, commiseration, and comic relief. Contributors range from celebrities to novelists, therapists, the Bible, and many others. Untying the Knot: Ex-Husbands, Ex-Wives, and Other Experts on the Passage of Divorce is a one-of-a-kind companion for an increasingly universal passage.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781466859715
Publisher:	St. Martin's Press
Publication date:	04/16/2025
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	160
File size:	238 KB

About the Author

Deborah Brodie, an executive editor at a major publishing house, is the mother of two, a mother-in-law of one, and an ex-wife. Her previous book is Writing Changes Everything: The 627 Best Things Anyone Ever Said About Writing.

Read an Excerpt

Untying the Knot

Ex-Husbands, Ex-Wives, and other Experts on the Passage of Divorce

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By Deborah Brodie

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 1999 Deborah Brodie
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4668-5971-5

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CHAPTER 1

"Danger and Opportunity"

Some Definitions of Divorce

The Chinese define stress as the balance between danger and opportunity. In our country, that's the definition of divorce.

— Abigail Trafford, journalist

Divorce: Fission after fusion.

— Rita Mae Brown, novelist

Divorce is a process, not a single event.

— Vicki Lansky, nonfiction writer

Divorce is not the sinking of the ship. It's more like the oil spill that follows, and the cleanup goes on indefinitely.

— Walter L. Kantrowitz, attorney, and Howard Eisenberg, writer

Divorce is like gridlock. It takes forever to get through.

— Erzsi Deak, writer

Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money, and divorce a matter of course.

— Helen Rowland, journalist, in Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, 1903

Marriage no longer is considered to be so permanent — "till death do us part" has been replaced with "till death of the marriage parts us."

— Florence W. Kaslow, therapist

The virtually universal understanding is that the breakdown of a marriage is irretrievable if one spouse says it is.

— Mary Ann Glendon, legal scholar

What does the promise of a permanent commitment mean when everyone knows it's provisional? I am tempted to say that divorce makes marriage meaningless — which doesn't mean I would wish there to be less divorce, just less marriage.

— Phyllis Rose, professor of English

Divorce is about the apportionment of two "things" (for lack of a better word): money and kids.

— Michael Leshin, family law attorney

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

— Cary Grant, actor, divorced four times

It is always a soap opera. No matter who you are or what has gone into your life, the end of a marriage becomes, when meted out in words, the same old story.

— Mary Cantwell, journalist

Divorces are made in Heaven.

— Oscar Wilde, dramatist, in The Importance of Being Earnest

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or to get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

— Woody Allen, filmmaker and humorist, divorced twice

I was given the secret handshake to the world's largest club. The Divorced. We were everywhere.

— Ann Patchett, novelist

It is always tough to end a relationship. It's like moving away from an apartment that you have just built up. Are you being evicted or are you looking for a place with better standards? Either way, it's a hell of a thing.

— Doug E. Fresh, hip-hop pioneer

Modern divorce is little more than a functional substitute for death. ... In the seventeenth century the remarriage rate, made possible by death, was not far off that in our own day, made possible by divorce.

— Lawrence Stone, social historian

Divorce evokes more anger than death, and it is, of course, considerably more optional.

— Judith Viorst, writer

The death of a marriage is like the death of a person: Who my friends were when they were together, their joined spirit, is gone.

— Sy Safransky, journalist

The end of a marriage is a loss, but not a failure. On the contrary it is a victory — over inertia, terror, conformity, insecurity, and countless other demons.

— Ashton Applewhite, writer

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck — if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left.

— Jean Kerr, playwright, in Mary, Mary

CHAPTER 2

"Impossible to Live With"

Why Divorce?

Everyone is nearly impossible to live with.

— Sharyn Wolf, couples counselor

In Biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today.

— Abigail Van Buren, Dear Abby

The modern age runs much on the instalment plan, and we are applying the same plan to matrimony. ... If present tendencies continue much further a divorce coupon for the convenience of the couple will be attached to each marriage license.

— Robert Grant, in Good Housekeeping, September 1921

In the old days, no one got divorced. We worked it out. We believed in the sanctity of a mistake!

— Borscht Belt joke

We are in the act of trying out — and failing miserably at it — one of the most pathological experiments that a civilized society has ever imagined, namely, the basing of marriage which is lasting upon romance which is a passing fancy.

— Denis De Rougement, French scholar

The clearest explanation for the failure of any marriage is that the two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female.

— Anna Quindlen, journalist and novelist

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

— John Gray, relationship expert

With the education and elevation of women we shall have a mighty sundering of the unholy ties that hold men and women together who loathe and despise each other.

— Elizabeth Cady Stanton, women's rights leader, 1868

If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don't blame the women's movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based.

— Betty Friedan, feminist and writer

Divorce is less common where women and men are economically dependent on one another — most notably in societies that use the plow for agriculture. In such societies, spouses need each other to make ends meet.

— Helen E. Fisher, anthropologist

Couples who are open to living together are often more open to divorce [after they marry] because they've practiced being in a relationship without permanent commitment.

— Georgia Witkin, therapist

We are the only animal species that cannot seem to figure out how to pair off and raise children without maiming ourselves in the process.

— Anne Roiphe, novelist

We believe lesbian and gay couples deserve the option to marry. Many already behave like married couples, but legalizing same-sex marriage would change the world around them, and, we believe, make divorce less likely.

— Stevie Bryant And Demian, publishers

Where they love they do not desire and where they desire they cannot love.

— Sigmund Freud, psychoanalyst

One of the arguments for the high divorce rate of our time is that people now live so long — or as one wag put it, "Every marriage ends in divorce — it is just that some people die before they have that opportunity."

— David Popenoe, professor of sociology

One man who came to me for advice because he was contemplating a divorce told me mournfully why he thought the marriage went wrong. He said, "I know what my problem was. I was looking for a Ferrari and I got a Ford." I said, "I think the problem was you were looking for a car."

— David Aaron, rabbi

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.

— Cher, actor and singer

Although they say that opposites attract, I have never read that they should marry.

— Ann Hood, novelist

I was impatient. I wanted instant gratification, and I didn't want to wait for it, either.

— Lawrence Block, mystery writer

Being on the other side of a relationship with someone like me must be difficult.

— Donald Trump, real estate mogul, on divorcing his second wife, Marla Maples

Nothing she could do would change him. Take him, leave him, or take him and hold it against him. These were her choices.

— Judith Sills, clinical psychologist

Love often fails because people instinctively give what they want.

— John Gray, relationship expert

A complete sharing between two people is an impossibility and whenever it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a mutual agreement which robs either one member or both of his fullest freedom and development.

— Rainer Maria Rilke, poet

When two people grow apart in love, it's usually only one who is growing.

— Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, therapist

You did the best you could with what you had to work with in your relationship. You could only say you'd failed if you'd planted a seed in fertile soil. But if you dropped that seed on a rock, it's the rock, not you, that prevented the seed from growing.

— Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist

Divorce after sixty is likely to mean one or both partners feel imprisoned — not enough space between them to breathe, too much togetherness, and no separate hobbies, trips, or learning experiences; too much acceptance of limitations.

— Eda Leshan, family counselor and writer

At first his jealousy was a compliment, then it became a prison.

— Mary D. Lankford, librarian

I married a man who left me feeling lonely not because he wasn't home but because he was.

— Daphne Merkin, essayist

The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self, two loves existing side by side until they end in separation.

— Pope John Paul II

Fifty percent or more of marriages go bust because most of us no longer have extended families. When you marry somebody now, all you get is one person. I say that when couples fight, it isn't about sex or power. What they're really saying is, "You're not enough people!"

— Kurt Vonnegut, novelist, in Timequake

He who therefore seeks to part, is one who highly honors the married life and would not stain it: and the reasons which now move him to divorce are equal to the best of those that could first warrant him to marry.

— John Milton, poet and essayist, in The Doctrine and Discipline of Divorce

We were a perfect couple; I was always feeling guilty and he blamed me for everything.

— Penny Kaganoff, editor and journalist

Nothing is too small to have a power struggle over.

— Sharyn Wolf, couples counselor

When things were getting pretty bad in my second marriage, my wife said, "You know, Ira, what you really want is a 'Stepford Wife.'" I got shot down with my own book title!

— Ira Levin, novelist

I became successful so suddenly I got much more macho. I suddenly felt like a strong man. That altered everything between us.

— Norman Mailer, novelist, on his marriage to the first of six wives

Our lives were always bursting apart and dispersing. Acting couples generally don't stay together because of this element of separation. I remember once coming home after a four-month tour and Jeanne leaving the next day for a play in Scandinavia.

— Jean-Louis Richard, actor, on his marriage to actor Jeanne Moreau

The partner of a performing artist can't have too many personal needs — it messes up the idea that you're the important one.

— Kate Johnson, opera singer

Music is my mistress and she plays second fiddle to no one.

— Duke Ellington, jazz musician, divorced twice

[I made] the mistake of thinking that each of my wives was my mother, that there would never be a replacement once she left.

— Cary Grant, actor, divorced four times

I still love you. I'll always love you. But it isn't ring-a-ding-ding anymore. Do you understand?

— Elizabeth Taylor, actor, to MICHAEL WILDING, the second of eight husbands

Partially it was youth, and partially it was adulthood.

— Isabella Rossellini, actor and model, on the failure of her marriage to director Martin Scorsese

There's no doubt in my mind that the essential problems between Grant [Tinker] and me were aggravated by alcohol-provoked arguments. They were never resolved as neither of us could remember them the next morning. The death knell of our seventeen-year marriage was sounded by ice cubes.

— Mary Tyler Moore, actor

I kissed and kissed and kissed but after thirteen years he was still a frog.

— "Alice," in Creative Divorce by Mel Krantzler

CHAPTER 3

Passion, Morning Breath, and Broken Plates

Expectations of Love and Marriage

We all have this idealized version of love, but the reality is fighting, passion, bad breath in the morning, and breaking plates.

— Boy George, musician

Love does not conquer all. It doesn't even conquer most.

— Judith Sills, clinical psychologist

As with most couples, they are like two people jumping out of an airplane clasped together, each believing the other to be a parachute.

— Alison Lurie, novelist, in Love and Friendship

Let's take the cup of hemlock now.

— Ernest Hemingway, novelist, at his wedding to his fourth wife

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

— Alan King, comedian

People should be required to reenact marriage every five years or so, like signing a lease.

— Marilyn French, novelist, in The Women's Room

I see us married for one day at a time.

— Bruce Willis, actor, a few months before separating from his wife of ten years, actor Demi Moore

Marriage at its lowest: We regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

— Robert Louis Stevenson, novelist and poet

Getting married is just the first step toward getting divorced.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor, actor, divorced eight times

Marriage is a divorce waiting to happen.

— Jeanne De Sainte Marie, writer

We acted as if marriage was the end of having to work on our relationship, when it was just the beginning.

— Evelyn Mcdonnell, writer

Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do.

— Bettina Arndt, journalist

You never have a better marriage than your parents'.

— Richard Peck, novelist

There is always something to talk about when one is falling in love. And so often there is not in the long-haul mechanics of marriage.

— Tim Parks, nonfiction writer

Phyllis: We won't wait long.
Strephon: No. We might change our minds. We'll get married first.
Phyllis: And change our minds afterwards?
Strephon: That's the usual course.

— W. S. Gilbert, dramatist, in Iolanthe

Before you get married, know whom you will divorce.

— Yiddish proverb

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

— Mark Twain, humorist

Marriage presents one of the most difficult personal problems in human life; the most emotional as well as the most romantic of all human dreams has to be consolidated into an ordinary working relationship.

— Bronislaw Malinowski, anthropologist

We both struggled with the romantic ideal. We used to coo at each other through clenched teeth.

— Benjamin H. Cheever, novelist and journalist

We had all those romantic ideas about marriage, just like heterosexuals, but got into lots of trouble with the butchfem kind of stuff. Since I had been married I just assumed Ted would do what my wife had. What a mistake that was!

— "Anonymous," in The Male Couple by David P. Mcwhirter and Andrew M. Mattison, therapists

Why do people expect to be happily married when they are not individually happy? How do you expect mankind to be happy in pairs when it is so miserable separately?

— Peter De Vries, novelist, in Reuben, Reuben

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only with what you are expecting to give — which is everything.

— Katharine Hepburn, actor

Who are happy in marriage? Those with so little imagination that they cannot picture a better state, and those so shrewd that they prefer quiet slavery to hopeless rebellion.

— H. L. Mencken, writer and critic

Marriage has been for forever for, well, forever. It hasn't adapted, hasn't moved with the times. Heck, cars used to last 20 years. You see any carmakers offering 20-year warranties these days?

— Michael Beninger, writer

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Untying the Knot by Deborah Brodie. Copyright © 1999 Deborah Brodie. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
Dedication,
Foreword by Ashton Applewhite,
Preface,
"Danger and Opportunity",
"Impossible to Live With",
Passion, Morning Breath, and Broken Plates,
"The Unseen Rival",
"The Sound of the Handcuffs Going Click",
"All Things Are Possible",
"Nuclear War on the Family",
"Misery Could Begin",
"Congratulations or Condolences?",
"The Friend Who Stands By You",
"Parent-ectomies",
"Strange and Terrible Behavior",
Dividing up Hopes and Memories,
"To Release and Forgive",
"Holding on to the Key",
Closing a Door,
"Not Beloved, but Kin",
"Ready to Resume Living",
Finding Your Soul Mate,
"Life Is Beginning at Last",
Index,
Also by Deborah Brodie,
Copyright,

What People are Saying About This

Mira Kirshenbaum

If you're going through a divorce--or thinking of going through one--read this book.
—Mira Kirshenbaum, author of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and Our Love is Too Good to Feel So Bad

Judith Sills

For anyone who has ever known the dark days of divorce, this collection offers an illuminating flash of humor, a calm moment of wisdom, even a quick fix of courage.
—Judith Sills, author of Excess Baggage and Biting the Apple

Penny Kaganoff

Pithy, sassy, poignant, and upbeat--Untying the Knot speaks to any man or woman going through the messy, necessary business of divorce. Here is a book for the funny bone as well as the soul.
—Penny Kaganoff, coeditor of Women on Divorce and Men on Divorce

Peter D. Kramer

What anyone struggling with divorce will want: a wise, witty, bittersweet companion, short on rancor and long on hope.
—Peter D. Kramer, author of Should You Leave? and Listening to Prozac

Editorial Reviews

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." —Zsa Zsa Gabor, married seven times

"You feel like two people at once: an old woman who has lost everyone and a girl whose life is beginning at last." —Jane Shapiro, fiction writer

"I knew I would never be given my freedom. I had to take it." —Tina Turner

From the Publisher