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Straight-from-the-hip advice on how to find, date, and land that special person
In this follow-up to her international bestseller How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You, Leil Lowndes explains why, when it comes to the quest for true romance, no one needs to settle for anything less than Mr. or Ms. Right. Whether it's someone rich and classy, drop-dead gorgeous, with a high IQ, or truly honorable that a reader finds most desirable, Leil Lowndes shows how to weed out the frogs and find your own true prince or princess. Combining Lowndes's trademark wit and sage insights into human behavior with easy-to-master strategies and techniques, UpDating!:
What's Keeping Me Back?
So Why Do I Keep Dating Frogs?
Fasten your seat belt. This may be a rough ride for some readers. You may not be conscious of it, but the reason you're still going out with second stringers could boil down to a deficiency in the self-esteem department. You may think you have no problem in that area. But unless you're dating your equals or better, you have a big problem. Why?
Because we do not go after who we want. We only go after who we think we deserve! "Not me," some of you might say. "I always go after what I want." Perhaps you do. But what you may not know is, unless you have true subconscious unwavering belief in yourself, you're sure to botch it up.
Women, you could aim your arrow at the nicest and best-looking man in your church, community, or company. You might even make a play for him. But unfortunately, unless you are subconsciously and profoundly confident you deserve such a fine partner, you'll muck it up in minuscule ways. You'll try to relax and swing your hips comfortably as you pass him--but your tension will make it look like you need hip replacement. You may bat your eyelashes seductively--but your nervousness makes it come across as an ocular astigmatism. Without confidence, you cannot carry any ploy off with the necessary panache.
Gentlemen, you might even ask the accomplished angel-faced Princess at work for the pleasure of her company at dinner. But unless you subconsciously feel she'd be the lucky one to get you, your insecurity will stick out like a dirty shirt tail and she'll turn you down. After all, if you don't think you're terrific, she won't either.
Bugs and Beasts Are Smarter When Choosing a Mate
When choosing "the one," a female penguin knows better than to fall for the first nerd who waddles up and honks. She holds out for the fittest suitor available, which, in Antarctica, means one tubby enough to sit for weeks on her newly hatched eggs without starving to death. Female scorpion flies are also fussy. They scorn unsymmetrical manbugs and only flirt with invertebrate lovers who have well-matched wings. Ladybugs opt for males who are most masterful at killing prey and bringing home the bacon.
So, if penguins and flies don't settle, why should you? The reasons are many--and often bizarre. Frequently, our settling for life in the froggery has to do with your own loneliness or need for support. Maybe it's just because we want easy sex. Or perhaps you enjoy having a slave who, although he or she is not up to our standards, will do anything for you.
Many people get into a relationship they're all excited about at first. Perhaps it's happened to you. You meet someone. He or she is stimulating and fun to be with. So you start thinking about a long-term relationship.
Then little by little you begin discovering your partner's nasty little habits. He or she tells a lie, cheats, or passes gas in public. The disappointments pile up on you one by one, and you begin to realize this is not the ideal mate you once hoped he or she would be. Perhaps you keep telling yourself things will change and your partner will become Mr. or Ms. Right. But deep down you know you're kidding yourself. Time passes and you do nothing about it.
Sometimes, when you're feeling low, you tell yourself you won't find anyone better. Then when it hits you that this person doesn't live up to your standards, you kick yourself, knowing you should make the move. But you don't. Why? Because although on a conscious level you feel worthy of a wondrously fulfilling relationship with a Royal Mate, on a subconscious level you're telling yourself a very different story.
See if you recognize any of these hidden hang-ups in yourself. Hang-Up #1 Fear of Failure This is a biggie in every aspect of life. Instead of concentrating on all the joy and happiness you will gain in your new life with a Prince(ess), you focus on what you'll lose if you're not successful. Suppose you make a pass or flirt with a Royal Potential Mate, and he or she ignores you. Ouch, that hurts. The only type of mate you are sure of success with is--you guessed it--another frog. So there you go again, diving back into the frog pond for a date.
Technique #1 Renounce Rebound Reactions
If the Prince doesnt ask you out, or if the Princess turns you down, do not make an immediate date with a frog just to reaffirm your desirability. Lick your wounds and go hunt up another someone worthy of your love..
Hang-Up #2 Staying with the Familiar
You may be so accustomed to life in the frog pond that it's difficult to jump out. Frogs are familiar. Frogs are routine. Frogs are comfortable. Frogs are a habit--a bad habit. I know routine is hard to break, but the only way to do it is to go cold turkey. Say, "No!" to the next frog who says, "Lets go out together."
Technique #2 Go Cold Turkey on Frogs
Constantly dating people beneath you is a bad habit like smoking, drinking, compulsive eating, or shopping {'}til you drop. It feels good at the moment, but it hurts big-time in the long run. One cigarette, one drink, one chocolate binge, one shopping spree--and you've failed. Likewise, one more date with a frog and you've failed.
Hang-Up #3 Being Emotionally Needy
You hunger for love--and frogs feed your voracious appetite. They adore you. And why not? They're getting a good deal in the relationship. You may be smarter, richer, more attractive, a better person, and a whole lot cooler than they are. They'd be nuts not to want you. Get rid of that excess baggage of being "emotionally needy" and desperately needing love. Reaffirm your worth by reviewing all the assets you bring to a relationship. Let a little self-love replace the unhealthy craving for love from just anybody.
Technique #3 Nix Emotional Neediness
When you feel lonely and crave love or sex, recognize that you could just be suffering from a bout of emotional neediness. Now's the time to make a list of your good qualities and reasons why a quality partner would be lucky to get you. This will dissipate the desire for "one more time" with any current dates.
Hang-Up #4 Feeling Life and Love Are Predestined Do you feel it's out of your hands and that someday your Prince(ess) will come? Do you just sit in front of the television with your current frog and wait? Now we're dealing with a real problem. I am not here to argue with your spiritual or religious convictions. I respect and hold many such beliefs myself. But let me tell you a story I heard from the eminent psychologist David Lieberman that I think will make the point.1 A terrible hurricane swept through a small town and the flooding was awful. The water rose higher and higher until only the treetops and the roofs of a few houses were visible. It was as if an ocean had emptied into the streets.
A man in a rowboat came up alongside a woman who was clutching the cross on top of a church a few feet above the rising water. "Let's go, Ma'am," the man in the boat said. But the woman refused to step into the boat. "Oh, no," she said. "God would not let me die." So the boatman rowed off in the storm to save someone else clutching a treetop. A little while later, a second boatman came by offering to take her to safety. "Oh, no," she repeated, clutching the cross tighter. "God would not let me die." And off this boatman went, battling the increasingly high waves to save other stranded folks. The torrential storm didn't let up, and the water soared higher and higher. It was now menacingly swirling around the woman's knees. A helicopter flying overhead swooped down and dropped a ladder to take her to safety. "Oh, no," she shouted up to the pilot. "God would not let me die." So off flew the helicopter.
The water rose higher, the hurricane raged stronger, and finally a fierce gust of wind swept the woman off the church steeple. And she drowned. When she passed through heaven's gate, God appeared in front of her. "How could you let me die?" she screamed. "I put my faith in you." God answered, "I tried to save you, my child. I sent you two boats and a helicopter. You let yourself die."
Technique #4 Dump the Destiny Bit
Need I say more? Even if you think you are destined to find a Princess or Prince, get off your tush and search.
What If Some Frogs Still Turn Me On?
Maybe some of the frogs you've been dating aren't nerds. But they are other kinds of undesirable amphibians. Some of them might be sexy or fascinating or mysterious. Even rich or good looking or clever. But you know many of these dates are not "good people," not the right ones for you. If this is the case, don't feel guilty. You are not alone. The professional journal Violence and Victims published a study exploring why women are attracted to the "bad boys."2 Men, too, find themselves getting tangled up in costly relationships.
Why the lure of the rogue or rogue-ette? Often it's because we feel our life lacks drama. We remember the discovery, the excitement, the excruciating pain and intense pleasure of always being on the brink of disaster with our first loves. Later in life, you may have developed the "Ho-hum, I've been there and done that" feeling about lovers. Then you need a higher and higher threshold of what it takes to get the old juices flowing again. When you are confused or even abused by a current partner, it recaptures the melodramatic moments of your first loves. You can get high on the thrill and, if you're not careful, become a love junkie for these sexy scoundrels. There's another reason these sexy rats and rat-ettes turn us on. Most of them are, to all outward appearances, completely confident. They look and sound like they know what they want. And they push others around to get it. When so many other people suffer from insecurity, their arrogance can be a big turn-on.
But just as we grew up and realized a diet of Oreo cookies and hot fudge sundaes was not good for us, we begin to realize that many attractive sexy people are really frogs in foxy-looking clothes. It's time to let go.
Don't regret the past. Dating frogs was fine for a while. You probably learned a lot from them. And, in turn, you did your philanthropic bit for the frogs of the world by giving them not only your time and maybe your money but also your heart. But at last, you've gained the wisdom that they're not worthy of you. And it's time to move on.
Technique #5 Purge Your Pool of Sexy Frogs, Too
If you are currently dating anyone not worthy of you , get rid of him or her immediately. Warning: staying with a bad boy or bad girl may be harmful to your morals, thereby disqualifying you for your eventual Prince or Princess. Even if the frog is sexy, tough, and exciting, get out of the relationship while the getting is good. Each of us has reasons and rationales for having populated our life with frogs. No matter how much we think if we kiss them, they'll turn into a Prince or a Princess, somehow they never do. Our dud dates keep letting us down and down and down until we're drowning in their pond. Time to Play for Keeps I liken the search for a wonderful Mate to listening to the car radio. When we were young, we dug all kinds of music. We went racing down the highway of life, radio at full blast. We'd groove on scan--hear a few seconds of acid rock, a few seconds of rap, some C&W, and a few seconds of traffic and weather together.
Then as we got older, things started to change. We turned down the volume and found another sound track for life. Now our radio was on seek. We'd seek for a while until we found a station we liked. We'd listen for a while until it got repetitive, and then we'd move on. Finally, as adults, most of us want a high-quality station we really like so we can set our button for keeps.
It's the same with love. Most of us scanned relationships. Maybe we dated someone funny for a while. When we tired of cheap laughs, we'd try somebody else. Perhaps we then went for someone "deep." But we soon wearied of pondering the universe and our navels. Then we'd dig someone who made the universe shake for us--sexually. But we got disillusioned when there was nothing to talk about "afterward."
A few years later, we decided to seek. We searched until we found someone we liked. We'd go steady or even live with that person. But when we found ourselves wanting to drown out everything our partner said, we'd ram our thumb into the button and seek some more. So you can see that in love, too, there is a time to scan and a time to seek--but then there comes a time to set your life for keeps. Picking up this book means you are probably at this stage. You want to set your life with the one high-quality man or woman with whom you can make beautiful music forever.
And that's just what I'm going to help you do.
Technique #6 Set Your Dial for Keeps
You've heard kids singing "Finders Keepers," right? No different here. You won't be with the person you want to be with "for keeps" unless you first find him or her. Promise yourself you'll read all fifty-three proven techniques in UpDating! and put them into practice. It's hard work but the rewards are priceless. You'll win a lifetime with the Prince or Princess who was once just a dream.
All Proven Fact, No Pulp Fiction
Every time I walk into a bookstore or look at a magazine rack, I am thunderstruck by the number of doctors, psychologists, writers, and other "experts" who counsel on love. Most of what I read is based on the author's bird's-eye view of romance. There are, of course, some outstanding exceptions, but even many of those are not based on concrete studies. In the twenty-first century, we have the results of hundreds of studies of what actually works in love and what doesn't. I covered the proven answers to many questions about love in my earlier book How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You (Contemporary Books, 1996), which should serve as prerequisite reading to UpDating! We now know whether "love at first sight" is a myth or a reality. We know why we're attracted to one person and not another--even if the "another" is better looking, smarter, richer, and all the etceteras. We know the precise choreography of moves necessary to execute a successful pickup. We know what the most love-inducing first date is. We know whether playing hard to get works. We even know whether men like lipstick on a woman and whether women prefer men in glasses. All this and the results of many other love studies were covered in How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You. There was a reason the first book said "Anyone." It's because many of us were in the scanning or seeking mode then. It was fun to use the techniques I wrote about on a variety of people and watch them all flip over us. But now it's time to broaden our horizons, narrow our choices, upgrade our love life, and set our button for keeps.
Researchers Write in a Code Called Impossible to Read
I find it interesting that most of the studies seriously exploring this thing called love are written in an almost foreign language. For instance, when the researchers want to say, "How a man and woman who live together get along," they compose confounding phrases like dyadic function of heterosexual cohabiters. Instead of simply saying two people "want to live near each other," the sociologists come up with intentional propinquity. When they want to express "they don't think alike," they choose the bewildering cognitive dissonance. The words may impress editors of sociological journals, but they leave the rest of us scratching our heads. Researchers also go ballistic naming their studies. Would you be tempted to pick up a book called An Ecological Determinant of Differential Amounts of Sociometric Choices? No wonder much of the serious research that has given us the bottom line on love remains buried on back shelves of library archives. Perhaps it's perverse, but knowing what gold is entombed within the studies, I actually enjoyed deciphering them. With a pile of medical and sociological dictionaries on the library table, I blew away the dust and plowed through hundreds of them. Every time I discovered a gem, I plucked it out with tweezers, held it up to the test of truth, and wove it into a technique to help you achieve your more lofty love goals.
You'll find this book is very different from others in another way. Bookstore shelves are filled with guides to winning admirers, lovers, or a spouse. Some few have even concentrated on getting a rich husband or wife. But none, to date, have centered on finding one truly high-quality mate. Much of the advice you'll read elsewhere is generic, intended to work on practically anyone of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, when it comes to a Princess or Prince, most of the old tricks don't work.
Huntresses of love, suppose for the moment your definition of a Prince is a man who is extremely wealthy and cultured. Well, the advice of winking and wiggling seductively could actually turn him off. Oh, it may get you a ride in his Mercedes (most likely in the back seat behind some high bushes) but not a ring on your finger.
Hunters of love, suppose your definition of a quality mate is a woman who is extremely beautiful and spiritual. Your flashing a big fat wallet may make her glance your way but not give you her heart. Many methods employed to entice the majority of men or women are fruitless when your quarry is a Princess or Prince.
Technique #7 Chuck Cheap Tricks
Many methods you may have used to turn on the "dude" sitting in the bar guzzling beer, or the "chick" whose skirt is too tight and morals too loose, won't work on a Royal Potential Mate. Royals love sex, of course, but the come-on or lines are more subtle. We'll learn some of the elusive lures. Don't worry--Royals read between the lines.
So, What's the Secret?
What is the magic potion to make a quality man or woman fall in love with you? The formula is quite simple, actually--and yet complex.
1. You must swear off all DownDating all unworthy candidates.. No exceptions!
2. Then you must have a deep conversation with yourself and decide what you consider to be the perfect potential mate.
3. The next task is to learn all about that particular type of person--your desired mate's tastes, beliefs, values, and goals, as well as what he or she holds dear.
4. Now for the hard part. You must stare at yourself in the mirror like you've never seen your face before. Do you look and sound like the type of man or woman you want? Do you fit in with his or her elevated crowd? Then gaze more deeply into the looking glass of your life to see if you've "got the goods" to make your desired mate consider you a worthy lifelong partner.
There are two parts to your self-searching and transformation--two major categories of qualities you must excel in to capture a Royal Mate. There is the surface and there is the substantial. The surface (some would say "superficial") consists of how you wear your hair, how you dress, what words you use, and in some cases, knowing how to eat an artichoke or knowing not to drink from your finger bowl. The substantial runs deeper. Here you explore qualities like your integrity, your self-knowledge, your spirituality, your confidence, your thought processes, and how loving you are.
Technique #8 Give Yourself a Personal Checkup
As you read UpDating!, perform a checklist on yourself and possibly make some changes in either your surface or substantial qualities. I will guide you in both self-revelations and, if necessary, renovations. I'll show you how to emulate your desired mate's superficial qualities to get his or her attention. Then we'll work on your becoming more like them at a deeper level. When you, too, become a true Princess or Prince, you have the "currency" to buy a Royal heart and keep his or her love and respect forever.
The Horse-Trading Principle of Love
Why have I used such a crass word like "currency? Actually, it's because of the overwhelming response to a few paragraphs I wrote in How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You which likened love to bartering. Here are the paragraphs that kindled the firestorm of letters and E-mails asking for more:
During a heated argument, a man I once loved snarled at me, "Everybody's got a value on the open market, baby." I was appalled. How crass! How could he see people as commodities, especially somebody he said he loved? What a repulsive way to look at relationships! To me, love was beautiful. Love was pure. It was the source of the most intense human pleasure known to mankind and had no parallel in human experience. To me, love was sharing, trusting, total giving of self. The words of Robert Burns had reverberated in my heart since childhood: "Love, O lyric Love, half angel and half bird. And all a wonder and a wild desire." To hear my lover liken his loved one's qualities to pork bellies or soybeans on the commodities market was too much. I stormed out of the room. And, soon thereafter, out of the relationship. Now, many years later, older and, some few could argue, wiser, I wonder, "Was he right?" Not in his manner of presentation, certainly. But in his facts? It surprises no one to hear, "Everyone wants to get the best deal possible in life." Nor are they shocked when they learn about the law of supply and demand in business. People don't even flinch when sales gurus preach that, in all human interaction, the big question is WIIFM--what's in it for me? Why do we recoil when researchers tell us the same natural laws apply to love? Recently, the scientific community, not content with theories of love proposed by Sigmund Freud (sublimated sexuality) or Theodore Reik (filling a void in oneself), set out to get the real skinny on love. Conducting numerous surveys and laboratory experiments, scientists peeled back a deeper layer of the human psyche. Did they uncover some ugly facts? Did they confront a monster? Some might say, "Yes." Others would laugh it off and say, "Of course not." Whether you see their findings as the abominable snowman or the archangel of truth, the result is quite simply this: Studies do indeed support the thesis that everything and everybody has a quantifiable value on the open market. And everybody wants to get the best deal possible in love as well as in life. Researchers christened their findings the equity (or exchange) theory of love. It's sort of like the old horse-trading principle.
The equity theory of love is based on the same sound business principles of barter and open market value. Everything has a value. Everything has a price. As with that of a product, a person's value can be subjective. Generally, the world agrees on what's a good catch and what's a shoddy one. In the world of horse trading, there are top-grade champions or nags (horses ready for the glue factory). At a horse auction, buyers look for qualities they describe as pretty movers, good disposition, no bad vices, and even flashy. Are humans really so different? All these horse qualities affect the sales price. If you are trading a registered horse for one without pedigree papers, he better have some of the other superior qualities to make it a fair barter.
Studies show that the more qualities you bring to the bargaining table, the better you will do in love. The more your assets even out, the more apt you are to make someone fall in love with you. Equity theorists tell us the more equitable a romantic relationship is, the more likely it is to progress to marriage.3
So you might ask, "Does that mean, if I want a very rich partner, do I need to become a billionaire?" Or, "If I want a very beautiful person, do I need to have plastic surgery or leg implants to make me six inches taller?" Of course not. Because, as love researchers tell us, you don't need to have the same assets. Your and your intended partner's assets simply need to even out. The classic example is the drop-dead gorgeous woman you see on the arm of an old curmudgeon. What do you think? Admit it--money! If she's a "10" in looks, he's probably a "10" in the lucre department. Another example might be the brilliant and handsome stockbroker who marries an ordinary-looking woman. But when you get to know her better, you discover she is deeply spiritual. Yet another example might be the highly moral minister of the local parish who chooses to marry a less ethical woman. Most likely, it would soon become evident that she has other "assets," perhaps an effervescent personality and outstanding social graces, which help him keep the parish together. Researchers tell us that partners in the happiest and most secure relationships don't necessarily excel in the same qualities, but they bring equal assets to the table.
Technique #9 Realize That Love Is a Tough Business
Believe it when people tell you love is exhilarating, love is exciting, love is beautiful. But don't let them kid you that love is blind. Finding a permanent partner is one of the most carefully considered and calculated risks you will take in life. Even the loftiest folks look at long-term love like a business deal. Acquiring a lifelong partner is too important a "purchase" to take a chance on getting a lemon. Don't be naive. Realize that love is one tough business deal. It's just like weighing the value of a purchase. Even the nicest people instinctively calculate their potential partner's "comparable worth." They examine the "hidden costs." They project the "maintenance-free." They factor in the "assumed depreciation." Overall, they are subconsciously calculating the "cost-benefit ratio" of the relationship.
And, of course, they want to make darn sure they don't suffer "buyer's remorse." One of the safest ways to do this is to stick with what they know. Similarity is safe for everyone, even for Royals. You Gotta Be One to Get One
As I told you, when I asked participants in my relationship seminars what type of mate they most wanted, I heard a cacophony of answers like "more intelligent," "better looking," "more sensitive" "honest," "a good person," or someone with more "money," "creativity," "education," or "integrity." But the word I heard most often was "class."
After discussing it for a while, everyone usually agrees the word class symbolizes all of the above. Why? Because many of the aforementioned enviable qualities often come as a package. Someone with class often is intelligent, honest, educated, rich, creative, and even good looking. Why is that? Well, someone with money, especially old-family money, has the time to explore "the finer things in life" and develop "classier" tastes. They have the leisure, the encouragement, and the freedom to be more creative.
Integrity often accompanies class because there's no monitory reason to not act with integrity. Someone truly intelligent knows you get along a lot better in life if you are honorable and have good taste. When you're rich, you can also afford the best education.
So how does "good looking" factor into this? When you're rich, you can buy the most flattering clothes, go to spas, and even pay a cosmetic surgeon to fix up any dirty tricks Mother Nature played on you.
There are, of course, many exceptions to this bundling-of-qualities rule. Someone who is flat broke and with very little integrity could be as classy as Old English typeface. A refined individual, cultured enough to introduce to the queen, could be dirt poor. A multimillionaire could pick his nose at a state dinner. A deeply honorable or wise individual could have as much class as an alley cat. And any of the above could be as beautiful as a Greek god or goddess or as ugly as a dead toad. But not usually. The qualities often go together.
Birds of a Royal Feather
Did you ever notice how the rich usually marry the rich, the beautiful usually marry the beautiful, and the famous usually marry the famous? Coupling is far more apt to happen when each partner has an abundance of the same qualities. It is usual and very common to see rich marrying rich, beautiful marrying beautiful, and famous marrying famous. But people with the more substantial qualities--like good character and intelligence--almost always marry people with equally substantial qualities. High-quality people don't want to spend a lifetime with someone who is dishonest or unprincipled. Why are there more exceptions to the rich, the famous, or the beautiful marrying someone with the same assets? Because a rich person who has enough money for two is not negatively affected by someone with a small bank account. A good-looking person can be impressed with another's qualifications even if he or she is not a "looker." And a famous person can enjoy being in the limelight and having a less-renowned spouse.
But it is rare indeed if a highly principled man or woman can love someone whose way of looking at life is not equally honorable and ethical. So the bottom line is, if you want to make a Prince or Princess with high standards fall in love with you, you, too, must become equally principled and honorable.
"Got it," one of my students said. "If I want a Royal Partner, the answer is just going out and becoming equally terrific--either in money, looks, brains, culture, prestige, character, or any of the above."
Not so fast! Unfortunately, that's not the whole answer. You must also grasp the components of attraction and what the studies have proven works and doesn't work. We must never forget, even in the top echelon of society, that sex counts! Princes and Princesses enjoy doing much the same things in bed that the rest of us do. But getting one into our bed requires a special set of skills.
Similarity Runs Even Deeper
In addition to factors like looks, money, and intelligence, people are attracted to those who are similar in what the researchers call social characteristics. Social characteristics cover such things as your tendency to be a recluse or a party animal, how many friends and relationships you've had, how your folks got along, and even how you now feel about your dad.
There are some things you can change, some you can't, and others you wouldn't want to. We'll dig deeper into similarities later and discuss what qualities you must radiate in order to lure Princes and Princesses. But just for starters, let me quote a landmark study that explored the most common ways in which married or longtime partners were alike. According to the American Journal of Sociology, similarity was found with respect to the following:
Now obviously, you can't change such things as how happy your parents' marriage was, the number of brothers and sisters you had, or the number of people you've had relationships with. Nor, probably, would you want to change your religious affiliation. But there are some things you can change to rate a better mate. You can develop similar attitudes in life, which is all important. These are aspects like your perspective on money, friends, leisure-time activities, and marriage. You already have a head start in all this. By picking up UpDating!, you've demonstrated one admirable quality: your desire to grow in the areas that have proven to be significant to getting a superior partner.
That's a lot of work, isn't it? Yes, it is. But I'm sure someone in your life has spouted the old verity "You get what you pay for." However, we're not talking money here. Close your wallet but open your mind. In this case, you are paying with your valuable time and your dedication to get the man or woman you once thought out of your league.
The Big Bonus
By now, no doubt, you've guessed what the added benefit is to reading UpDating! During the process of learning what it takes to win a better mate, you'll probably get to know yourself in a different way than you ever thought possible. If you decide instead of just using the techniques to win a Princess or Prince, you want to make them part of your life (as I deeply hope you will), you will become a much better person. Make the changes permanent. Really become the person you know he or she could fall and stay in love with forever. As you emit the qualities that attract a first-rate mate, you may begin to like the new you--and so will everyone else!
Technique #10 Act Royal, {'}Round the Clock
Go for it! Make the qualities you gain to capture your Royal Mate part of your life, not just when you're "hunting." You'll respect yourself more--and so will everyone else. As you become the man or woman who attracts a high-quality person, you, too, become a high-quality person. And that's a very cool state!
| Introduction | ix | |
| 1 | What's Keeping Me Back? So Why Do I Keep Dating Frogs? | 1 |
| Bugs and Beasts Are Smarter When Choosing a Mate | 2 | |
| Hang-Up #1 | Fear of Failure | 3 |
| Hang-Up #2 | Staying with the Familiar | 4 |
| Hang-Up #3 | Being Emotionally Needy | 5 |
| Hang-Up #4 | Feeling Life and Love Are Predestined | 5 |
| What If Some Frogs Still Turn Me On? | 7 | |
| Time to Play for Keeps | 9 | |
| All Proven Fact, No Pulp Fiction | 11 | |
| Researchers Write in a Code Called Impossible to Read | 12 | |
| So What's the Secret? | 14 | |
| The Horse-Trading Principle of Love | 15 | |
| You Gotta Be One to Get One | 19 | |
| Birds of a Royal Feather | 20 | |
| Similarity Runs Even Deeper | 21 | |
| The Big Bonus | 23 | |
| 2 | You Won't Find Your Prince or Princess Until You Go Cold Turkey on Frogs: Paving the Path for a Better Mate | 25 |
| How Do I Start? | 26 | |
| Doing the Dirty Deed | 28 | |
| The Ditching Dilemma | 31 | |
| Women, You Must Ditch or Drown | 32 | |
| Men, Get in Touch with Your Inner Coward | 36 | |
| Good-Bye, Old Frog--Hello, New Prince(ess) | 39 | |
| Ya Gotta Know da Habits of da Critter | 41 | |
| Inspect Your Own Feathers | 42 | |
| You Gotta Be a Human Chameleon | 43 | |
| Fake It 'til You Make It | 45 | |
| The "Location, Location, Location" Law of Love | 46 | |
| Crossing Paths | 47 | |
| Familiarity Breeds Contempt--but Not in Courting! | 50 | |
| The "Mere Exposure" Rule of Love | 51 | |
| How Gillian Got Her Prince | 56 | |
| Digging Deeper | 58 | |
| 3 | How to Find a Drop-Dead Gorgeous Mate: The Challenge of Capturing a Beautiful Princess or Handsome Prince | 61 |
| What If I'm Not a "Looker"? | 62 | |
| Whose Looks Are More Vital: A Woman's or a Man's? | 64 | |
| Here's the Skinny on Getting a Gorgeous Partner | 66 | |
| Why He or She Digs That Turkey (and Not Me, f'Instance) | 66 | |
| Flattery Won't Get You Anywhere with a Looker | 73 | |
| I Love You for the Reasons You Love Yourself | 81 | |
| 4 | How to Capture a Rich or "High-Class" Mate: Class Is Not a Dirty Word | 85 |
| So What's "Classy"? | 87 | |
| Decorating Your Pad to Impress a Royal | 94 | |
| How Classy Is Your Home? | 102 | |
| The Classy Car--It's Not What You'd Think! | 106 | |
| Classy and Classless Fun and Games | 112 | |
| I Haven't Got a Thing to Wear! | 114 | |
| The Most Accurate Class Indicator | 123 | |
| How Important Are Looks to Classy People? | 126 | |
| Now Are You Sure You Want It? | 129 | |
| 5 | How to Find an Honorable Mate: Where Have All the Good Men and Women Gone? | 131 |
| No Slipups in Your Scruples Diet | 136 | |
| Coming Clean Counts | 137 | |
| Why Does This Need for Similarity Run So Deep? | 139 | |
| Character Counts | 140 | |
| The Prince Who Turned Out to Be a Frog | 142 | |
| Come Across as a "Really Good Person" from the Get-Go | 145 | |
| Integrity as Bait | 146 | |
| Girls Just Wanna Have Fun--Not! | 149 | |
| Your Home Is Not Your Castle--It's a Peek into Your Soul | 151 | |
| The Minute She Enters Your Office, She's Sherlock Holmes | 153 | |
| A Word to Wise Women | 155 | |
| Different Kinds of Similarities | 155 | |
| Fake It and You'll Break It | 156 | |
| What About "Opposites Attract"? | 160 | |
| Sometimes the Need for Similarity Is Crazy | 161 | |
| 6 | How to Capture a Magical One-of-a-Kind Mate: Taming the X-Royal | 165 |
| Tracking Down X-Royals in Their Natural Habitat | 167 | |
| Xs Use Brains, Not Brawn, to Get What They Want | 168 | |
| Make Sure You Really Want an X-Royal | 170 | |
| A Triple X-Rated Royal | 171 | |
| Be Yourself, Your Most Interesting Self | 175 | |
| 7 | The Crucial Confidence Factor: Self-Concept Is Everything | 179 |
| Self-Confidence Reigns in the Royal's Kingdom | 182 | |
| You Don't Make the First Move | 183 | |
| You Blow the Relationship | 185 | |
| You Won't Be Able to Love Your Royal Successfully | 188 | |
| We Know the Sickness--What's the Cure? | 189 | |
| It Works the Other Way, Too | 191 | |
| Be Careful What You Wish For (You Just Might Get It!) | 193 | |
| The Last Word | 200 | |
| Notes | 205 | |
| Index | 209 |
Overview
Straight-from-the-hip advice on how to find, date, and land that special person
In this follow-up to her international bestseller How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You, Leil Lowndes explains why, when it comes to the quest for true romance, no one needs to settle for anything less than Mr. or Ms. Right. Whether it's someone rich and classy, drop-dead gorgeous, with a high IQ, or truly honorable that a reader finds most desirable, Leil Lowndes shows how to weed out the frogs ...